FIC: Canadian Sex Acts (1/1) HIMYM
Canadian Sex Acts
She should never have told them her story. It was a pretty sweet story, but now all they could do was obsess about sex. And, okay, they always obsessed about sex but now it was Canadian sex and they (by they, read Lily) just wouldn't let it lie. They seemed determined to find out every detail of every single Candian sex act, and also if Robin had any personal experience.
"Halifax fudge backer!" Lily shrieked. "Come on! Robin! Halifax fudge backer!"
Barney snorted. "Are you kidding? For that one you need at least two dudes!" He coughed and quickly looked away.
Robin laughed. "Nope. And I don't suppose my asking you really nicely would stop this?"
Marshall shook his head. "She's built up a head of steam now. Whoa there, honey. You'll get tummy ache."
Lily shrugged him off. "Montreal Petting Zoo?"
Robin grinned. "Actually, that one I have done."
Barney's lips twitched and he shifted in his seat beside her.
"Really? Did it involve…" Lily's voice dropped to a loud-whisper. "…animals?"
Robin giggled.
"Oh my god!"
Robin swore that if Lily's eyes got any wider they'd pop right out of her head.
"One Tusked Walrus!" Ted said, sitting down at the head of the table.
Robin practically choked on her drink.
"Strike one!" Marshall yelled, giving Ted a high five.
Barney rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you guys. Don't you think this is a bit cruel?" They all looked surprised, then sheepish. "Making fun of Robin's intimate sexual experiences?" He continued, "asking her questions about every facet of her sensual awakening in the frozen north? Getting her to describe the whos, the wheres, the whats and the what-withs? Getting her to reveal exactly what she put in-"
"This is really turning you on isn't it?" Robin interrupted him.
Barney shook himself and laughed. "You got me!"
Everyone groaned and Lily kicked him under the table. "Great, now you've ruined it. Only you could out-sleaze canadian sex acts dot org!"
And with that, the conversation swiftly turned to other things - mainly Ted's venture into life as a small businessman - which would have been weary enough when Robin was dating him but now was almost insanely boring.
Robin almost wished Ted would shout out "Salty Prime Minister" so that she could be justified in hurting him in order to shut him up.
Later, when the others had finally left, Barney provided her with far more entertainment. He would sometimes stay up late with her, waiting until it was time for her to head off to work before (no doubt) rounding up some stray, drunken bimbo to have sex with.
"So…" He said, some time around the small hours.
"So?" She repeated, sipping her coffee.
"Old King Clancy…?"
She shrugged.
"You really turned down Old King Clancy? You? Robin Scherbatsky?"
She laughed nervously, shifting in her seat.
"Ever actually done it?" He asked with an evil grin.
Robin brushed the hair away from her face, not answering.
"Thought not." He reached under the table and produced a small bottle of maple syrup.
Robin swallowed. She couldn't help it, it took her back. Barney was right - there were a few things that she liked about sex - okay, loved about sex. And she had a really, really sweet tooth. "You actually are Satan…" She said and she could feel the hot flush rise up her throat, colouring her cheeks.
"You wanna?" He asked, grinning that dimpled grin that said "sex is fun!" She'd seen that grin before.
"God I wanna, but-" She checked her watch. "I gotta go!"
"Damn!" He said, good-naturedly. "So close!"
"I'll take a rain check on that, lover-boy!" She winked as she got up, gathering her bags.
"Hey, you need some help with those?" He said, on his feet in an instant. It was weird how he could do that - flip-flop from man-whore to gentleman in the blink of an eye.
"Thanks…"
He followed her outside and hailed her a cab. "What the hell is in these anyway?"
"Ach, just some stuff for the broadcast. I'm guessing you'll be watching over tonight's bimbo's shoulder if you can get her to do The Full Mountie?"
He laughed, loading her bags into the trunk. "You betcha!" He smiled as she stepped back, bumping into him. For an instant - for a fraction of a second - there were nose to nose and she had the strangest urge to kiss him.
But then the moment passed and she threw herself into the cab.
"Break a leg!" He yelled as she closed the door.
And as she riffled through her purse, her fingers met something cold and smooth. She pulled it out.
It was the bottle of maple syrup.
Continue to Too Old (Murtaugh)
She should never have told them her story. It was a pretty sweet story, but now all they could do was obsess about sex. And, okay, they always obsessed about sex but now it was Canadian sex and they (by they, read Lily) just wouldn't let it lie. They seemed determined to find out every detail of every single Candian sex act, and also if Robin had any personal experience.
"Halifax fudge backer!" Lily shrieked. "Come on! Robin! Halifax fudge backer!"
Barney snorted. "Are you kidding? For that one you need at least two dudes!" He coughed and quickly looked away.
Robin laughed. "Nope. And I don't suppose my asking you really nicely would stop this?"
Marshall shook his head. "She's built up a head of steam now. Whoa there, honey. You'll get tummy ache."
Lily shrugged him off. "Montreal Petting Zoo?"
Robin grinned. "Actually, that one I have done."
Barney's lips twitched and he shifted in his seat beside her.
"Really? Did it involve…" Lily's voice dropped to a loud-whisper. "…animals?"
Robin giggled.
"Oh my god!"
Robin swore that if Lily's eyes got any wider they'd pop right out of her head.
"One Tusked Walrus!" Ted said, sitting down at the head of the table.
Robin practically choked on her drink.
"Strike one!" Marshall yelled, giving Ted a high five.
Barney rolled his eyes. "Honestly, you guys. Don't you think this is a bit cruel?" They all looked surprised, then sheepish. "Making fun of Robin's intimate sexual experiences?" He continued, "asking her questions about every facet of her sensual awakening in the frozen north? Getting her to describe the whos, the wheres, the whats and the what-withs? Getting her to reveal exactly what she put in-"
"This is really turning you on isn't it?" Robin interrupted him.
Barney shook himself and laughed. "You got me!"
Everyone groaned and Lily kicked him under the table. "Great, now you've ruined it. Only you could out-sleaze canadian sex acts dot org!"
And with that, the conversation swiftly turned to other things - mainly Ted's venture into life as a small businessman - which would have been weary enough when Robin was dating him but now was almost insanely boring.
Robin almost wished Ted would shout out "Salty Prime Minister" so that she could be justified in hurting him in order to shut him up.
Later, when the others had finally left, Barney provided her with far more entertainment. He would sometimes stay up late with her, waiting until it was time for her to head off to work before (no doubt) rounding up some stray, drunken bimbo to have sex with.
"So…" He said, some time around the small hours.
"So?" She repeated, sipping her coffee.
"Old King Clancy…?"
She shrugged.
"You really turned down Old King Clancy? You? Robin Scherbatsky?"
She laughed nervously, shifting in her seat.
"Ever actually done it?" He asked with an evil grin.
Robin brushed the hair away from her face, not answering.
"Thought not." He reached under the table and produced a small bottle of maple syrup.
Robin swallowed. She couldn't help it, it took her back. Barney was right - there were a few things that she liked about sex - okay, loved about sex. And she had a really, really sweet tooth. "You actually are Satan…" She said and she could feel the hot flush rise up her throat, colouring her cheeks.
"You wanna?" He asked, grinning that dimpled grin that said "sex is fun!" She'd seen that grin before.
"God I wanna, but-" She checked her watch. "I gotta go!"
"Damn!" He said, good-naturedly. "So close!"
"I'll take a rain check on that, lover-boy!" She winked as she got up, gathering her bags.
"Hey, you need some help with those?" He said, on his feet in an instant. It was weird how he could do that - flip-flop from man-whore to gentleman in the blink of an eye.
"Thanks…"
He followed her outside and hailed her a cab. "What the hell is in these anyway?"
"Ach, just some stuff for the broadcast. I'm guessing you'll be watching over tonight's bimbo's shoulder if you can get her to do The Full Mountie?"
He laughed, loading her bags into the trunk. "You betcha!" He smiled as she stepped back, bumping into him. For an instant - for a fraction of a second - there were nose to nose and she had the strangest urge to kiss him.
But then the moment passed and she threw herself into the cab.
"Break a leg!" He yelled as she closed the door.
And as she riffled through her purse, her fingers met something cold and smooth. She pulled it out.
It was the bottle of maple syrup.
Continue to Too Old (Murtaugh)