FUUUUUUUUUUCK
it's 12:32 pm, and i want a FUCKING cigarette. today is quitting day, me and my roommate decided two weeks ago. i've been mentally preparing, praying for the willingness, and smoking my fucking brains out. i've made a point to smoke at least half a pack after the hour of 10 every night, and i would get entirely grossed out and feel like shit and then make myself smoke more. so i really wanted to stop. i feel like i'm dying a little bit every time i smoke. and when i was hanging out with people who didn't smoke, i.e. adri and johanna, i like, had this revelation that i like, smoke. a lot. that sounds fucking stupid, but ALL of my friends are heavy smokers so i never realize how much i smoke, or that it is bad.
plus i read these statistics, and apparently far more alcoholics die of smoking-related diseases than of alcoholism. apparently 90% of alcoholics are smokers or ex-smokers, as opposed to less than 1/3 of nonalcoholic Americans. apparently bill wilson and dr. bob, who cofounded AA back in 1936, died respectively of emphysema and throat cancer directly related to smoking. and i wish i could be one of these people that don't need to smoke every day, or didn't need to smoke a fucking PACK a day, cause then i probably wouldn't care as much, but it's all or nothing for me.
i cannot believe how hard this is. i've only been awake for 3 hours! jesus christ. i have these nicotrol inhalers and i've puffed away like 5 of them already. it better fucking get easier. like, how do i not have that deeply satisfying first cigarette of the day with my morning coffee? when i step out my front door how do i not light up and go on my merry way? what do i do with my hands when i'm walking? how do i have long conversations, on the phone or in person, without chain smoking? what do i do with myself after meetings or at the smoke break? how do i not smoke that cigarette after a meal, or when i get out of the subway, or between classes, or for a break when i've been in the darkroom for hours, or when i'm doing homework?
they say it takes 4 or 5 times of trying to quit to actually quit, so i'm probably just starting on this torturous roller coaster ride.
plus i read these statistics, and apparently far more alcoholics die of smoking-related diseases than of alcoholism. apparently 90% of alcoholics are smokers or ex-smokers, as opposed to less than 1/3 of nonalcoholic Americans. apparently bill wilson and dr. bob, who cofounded AA back in 1936, died respectively of emphysema and throat cancer directly related to smoking. and i wish i could be one of these people that don't need to smoke every day, or didn't need to smoke a fucking PACK a day, cause then i probably wouldn't care as much, but it's all or nothing for me.
i cannot believe how hard this is. i've only been awake for 3 hours! jesus christ. i have these nicotrol inhalers and i've puffed away like 5 of them already. it better fucking get easier. like, how do i not have that deeply satisfying first cigarette of the day with my morning coffee? when i step out my front door how do i not light up and go on my merry way? what do i do with my hands when i'm walking? how do i have long conversations, on the phone or in person, without chain smoking? what do i do with myself after meetings or at the smoke break? how do i not smoke that cigarette after a meal, or when i get out of the subway, or between classes, or for a break when i've been in the darkroom for hours, or when i'm doing homework?
they say it takes 4 or 5 times of trying to quit to actually quit, so i'm probably just starting on this torturous roller coaster ride.