The contest fic....
Debated posting it here all afternoon, finally decided why not. It's already been sent to a couple lists. It didn't win, but I'm happy with how it turned out and that's all I really cared about because it's the first time I've written a deathfic. So be warned.
Title: The Infinite Sadness
Author: Jo (lotrjunkie@attbi.com)
Pairing: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen
Rating: PG13
Summary: Some griefs just can't be overcome
Warnings: character deaths
Archive: Beyond The Fellowship (formerly Closer Than Brothers), the "I Want" archive, others please ask first
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't know them, and this sure as hell never happened.
Notes: Inspired by, and entered in, Jenwyn's "I Want" contest. Didn't actually use the lyrics in the story, but this is what came to mind after reading them and really thinking about them.
I want someone to grant my wishes
And I want a boy who only kisses
I want a friend that I can care for
And I want a love that's not so painful
But I can't have everything I want
'Cos I can't have you
I can't have everything I want
'Cos I can't have you
~"I Want" by Dayna Manning~
You lied to me. When we left New Zealand, you said you'd never leave me, said you'd always be there. But you lied because I need you and you're not fucking here. You'll never be here again.
Five years of my life - five wonderful, happy, perfect years - and here I sit, alone, on top of this cliff. Do you remember when we used to come here during filming? When things got to be too much for us, when the pressures of being here for a year and a half were too intense, we retreated to this spot. Do you remember how we used to sit here for hours, just watching the ocean below us? I do. I remember it all. Like the day you made love to me here as the sun set. The way the sun painted your body in crimson and burnt orange, casting your face into shadow as you loomed over me. For that one single moment, everything was so perfect it was almost painful.
It's not the same now. The cliff's still here, so is the ocean. And the sun still sets every day. I'm watching it right now, waiting for the right moment. It's still beautiful, still breathtaking in its perfection. But it's colder now. The air is crisp, tasting of snow, and the damp chill is seeping through my jeans. But you're not here. And I miss you so fucking much.
It's been four months and not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Every single minute my head is filled with thoughts of you, of us. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying and shaking, reaching for you, but you're not there. And I can't deal with that. I can't. Everyone tells me that it's going to get better, that it's going to stop hurting. They're wrong. It's not getting better, and I know it never will.
It's worse now than it was when I picked up the phone that day. At least then I was numb. It didn't hurt until I actually saw you. That was when it all became too fucking real. And it hurt so much I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. It still hurts. Half of my soul is missing and I'll never get it back.
I can't do this any longer. I can't go on without you. I'm not strong enough. I never was. You were my strength. You gave me the courage to try and the desire to be so much more than I'd ever been. Everything was so easy with you beside me. You made it easy. Like that day last year when you told the world about us. I was so proud of you then. I wasn't brave enough to do something like that, wasn't brave enough to tell the world that we were lovers. And then afterwards, you always made it a point to hold my hand when we were out, to kiss me no matter who was watching. That made me love you even more than I already did, and I never dreamed that was possible. And now I'll never feel your touch again, never taste your lips, never have you hold me at night. I want all that and I can't have it. It's over, it's gone, and I can't fucking get it back.
All because you had to do your own goddamn stunts. Why? Damn you! I told you to let someone else do them. I begged you to let the stuntmen take the risks. But you said it was okay, said you could handle it, said it was the last time. And it was. Now you're gone and you're never coming back and there's not a single fucking thing I have left to live for. You were my everything, my entire fucking world, and you're gone.
I miss you so much. I miss your smile, the way your eyes twinkled when you laughed, the way your body felt against mine. I miss your quiet self-assurance and your voice. Sometimes, at night, I can still hear you. Still hear the soft words you used to whisper to me as we lay there in the dark, sated, happy, curled up together. And that makes me cry. I hold your pillow tight, wishing it was you, and I cry like a little child because I want you so damn much and I can't have you.
I sold the house. Sold it all. I couldn't stand to live there anymore. There were too many reminders, too many things that hurt just to see them. They told me I was being irrational, not thinking clearly, but they were wrong. I knew exactly what I was doing, knew exactly what I wanted. And then, when it was all gone, I left. Just left. I wrote a letter, got on the plane, and left.
Now here I am. Back where it all began, on this cliff in New Zealand. It's just you and me and the ocean below. It's peaceful here. I think you'll like being here forever. I know I will. This is the most beautiful place on earth - so wild and free and full of life. There's nowhere else like it. Do you remember the first time you told me that you loved me? I do. It was right here, just as the sun was setting. I've never forgotten. I never will.
It's time now. I think you know that, though. I can feel you watching me as I watch your ashes drift away to fall into the ocean. You're smiling, aren't you? I am, too. Crying and smiling and missing you so damn much. Soon, love. I just need a moment to fix this all in my head. I want to remember it for eternity.
Yes, that's it. That's what I've been waiting for - that precise second when the sun touches the water there. Can you hear them, love? The angels are singing for us. But, I can hear your voice over everything else. Your voice calling to me, telling me again how much you love me. You're waiting for me, but you don't have to wait any longer. We'll be together forever now.
Will it feel like flying, do you think? I think it might. Here goes, love. That last step. And now I'm flying and falling, and you're right here beside me. Catch me, won't you, love? Because I'm so afraid it's going to hurt.
I love you, Viggo....
~fin~
Title: The Infinite Sadness
Author: Jo (lotrjunkie@attbi.com)
Pairing: Orlando Bloom/Viggo Mortensen
Rating: PG13
Summary: Some griefs just can't be overcome
Warnings: character deaths
Archive: Beyond The Fellowship (formerly Closer Than Brothers), the "I Want" archive, others please ask first
Disclaimer: I don't own them, I don't know them, and this sure as hell never happened.
Notes: Inspired by, and entered in, Jenwyn's "I Want" contest. Didn't actually use the lyrics in the story, but this is what came to mind after reading them and really thinking about them.
I want someone to grant my wishes
And I want a boy who only kisses
I want a friend that I can care for
And I want a love that's not so painful
But I can't have everything I want
'Cos I can't have you
I can't have everything I want
'Cos I can't have you
~"I Want" by Dayna Manning~
You lied to me. When we left New Zealand, you said you'd never leave me, said you'd always be there. But you lied because I need you and you're not fucking here. You'll never be here again.
Five years of my life - five wonderful, happy, perfect years - and here I sit, alone, on top of this cliff. Do you remember when we used to come here during filming? When things got to be too much for us, when the pressures of being here for a year and a half were too intense, we retreated to this spot. Do you remember how we used to sit here for hours, just watching the ocean below us? I do. I remember it all. Like the day you made love to me here as the sun set. The way the sun painted your body in crimson and burnt orange, casting your face into shadow as you loomed over me. For that one single moment, everything was so perfect it was almost painful.
It's not the same now. The cliff's still here, so is the ocean. And the sun still sets every day. I'm watching it right now, waiting for the right moment. It's still beautiful, still breathtaking in its perfection. But it's colder now. The air is crisp, tasting of snow, and the damp chill is seeping through my jeans. But you're not here. And I miss you so fucking much.
It's been four months and not a day goes by that I don't think of you. Every single minute my head is filled with thoughts of you, of us. I wake up in the middle of the night, crying and shaking, reaching for you, but you're not there. And I can't deal with that. I can't. Everyone tells me that it's going to get better, that it's going to stop hurting. They're wrong. It's not getting better, and I know it never will.
It's worse now than it was when I picked up the phone that day. At least then I was numb. It didn't hurt until I actually saw you. That was when it all became too fucking real. And it hurt so much I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. It still hurts. Half of my soul is missing and I'll never get it back.
I can't do this any longer. I can't go on without you. I'm not strong enough. I never was. You were my strength. You gave me the courage to try and the desire to be so much more than I'd ever been. Everything was so easy with you beside me. You made it easy. Like that day last year when you told the world about us. I was so proud of you then. I wasn't brave enough to do something like that, wasn't brave enough to tell the world that we were lovers. And then afterwards, you always made it a point to hold my hand when we were out, to kiss me no matter who was watching. That made me love you even more than I already did, and I never dreamed that was possible. And now I'll never feel your touch again, never taste your lips, never have you hold me at night. I want all that and I can't have it. It's over, it's gone, and I can't fucking get it back.
All because you had to do your own goddamn stunts. Why? Damn you! I told you to let someone else do them. I begged you to let the stuntmen take the risks. But you said it was okay, said you could handle it, said it was the last time. And it was. Now you're gone and you're never coming back and there's not a single fucking thing I have left to live for. You were my everything, my entire fucking world, and you're gone.
I miss you so much. I miss your smile, the way your eyes twinkled when you laughed, the way your body felt against mine. I miss your quiet self-assurance and your voice. Sometimes, at night, I can still hear you. Still hear the soft words you used to whisper to me as we lay there in the dark, sated, happy, curled up together. And that makes me cry. I hold your pillow tight, wishing it was you, and I cry like a little child because I want you so damn much and I can't have you.
I sold the house. Sold it all. I couldn't stand to live there anymore. There were too many reminders, too many things that hurt just to see them. They told me I was being irrational, not thinking clearly, but they were wrong. I knew exactly what I was doing, knew exactly what I wanted. And then, when it was all gone, I left. Just left. I wrote a letter, got on the plane, and left.
Now here I am. Back where it all began, on this cliff in New Zealand. It's just you and me and the ocean below. It's peaceful here. I think you'll like being here forever. I know I will. This is the most beautiful place on earth - so wild and free and full of life. There's nowhere else like it. Do you remember the first time you told me that you loved me? I do. It was right here, just as the sun was setting. I've never forgotten. I never will.
It's time now. I think you know that, though. I can feel you watching me as I watch your ashes drift away to fall into the ocean. You're smiling, aren't you? I am, too. Crying and smiling and missing you so damn much. Soon, love. I just need a moment to fix this all in my head. I want to remember it for eternity.
Yes, that's it. That's what I've been waiting for - that precise second when the sun touches the water there. Can you hear them, love? The angels are singing for us. But, I can hear your voice over everything else. Your voice calling to me, telling me again how much you love me. You're waiting for me, but you don't have to wait any longer. We'll be together forever now.
Will it feel like flying, do you think? I think it might. Here goes, love. That last step. And now I'm flying and falling, and you're right here beside me. Catch me, won't you, love? Because I'm so afraid it's going to hurt.
I love you, Viggo....
~fin~