Motivation

[idiosyncr4zy]

It hit me tonight, as I sat in the movie theatre bathroom: Why don't I have motivation? Since then my mind has conveniently wandered, making it difficult to post, because I keep getting distracted. Motivation seems to be that last chunk of the puzzle of who I want to be. I was going to say that it's the last piece, but it occured to me that it has multiple pieces. Some of it has to do with fear. I'm not afraid of success, I'm afraid of stress. I learned that I don't handle stress very well in highschool when I would get bad stomache cramps due to stress and crohn's. Instead of learning how to deal with stress, I simply avoided it. Since then, it's become so routine that I hardly even notice it, and turn a blind eye when it should slap me in the face. There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to deal with stress. I did fine the end of last semester when I had to bust my ass with work. I've proven that I can, but only when I absolutely have to face it. The rest of my lack of motivation is probably due to my lack of need of it. I've made it this far in life with very little motivation and seem to be fairly well rewarded. I've been content with what I get, so I never really bothered to try.

It boils down to this: I need to be more mindful of motivation and stress. I wanna be so much more than this.