Here goes something
At times i feel as though people do not truly comprehend how strongly i feel for you. and at times, when i get angry, i seem to forget as well.
What truly drives me? What is it that ignites my fire? What makes me go crazy on a daily basis.
Answer: The way i feel about you.
Sure, people see the outside complaining and suffering and bitching about how you did this and you did that. People see my drunk crying at 90% of parties. But who sees the sober cries? Only me.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. What's happening to me is because i deserve it, and I am ok with that. This is strictly to show my feelings in their most raw form. In their most pure indications.
So...here goes...
I always wondered what being in love is like. I always wanted to feel what it was that drove jack to die for rose, or romeo for juliet, or what drove sayuri to become one with her chairman, or justin and brian. ok, ok, i know it's so sappy and cliche' and you're all probably like "...right well those are movies and this is real life." BUT, I truly believe i've experienced love. It may have been unrequited, but it was love none the less.
I never thought you were attractive, but all of a sudden, you became the most beautiful thing. All of your physical flaws disappeared before me. I can never get the shape of your nose out of my mind, how perfectly curved upward it is. Your lashes and how long and beautiful they look from profile view, they follow the curve of your nose. Your teeth when they peek through the natural opening in your lips. The warmth that my skin so thirstily soaks up with any part of me that touches you, it could be just our elbows touching as we sit side by side. The scent of you. The feeling i get when i hug you from behind, or from anywhere for that matter. The way your feet curl into that stupid sheet you always have to sleep with. The scent of you. The scent of you. The scent of you.
I'll never forget the setting for the day i thought "damn...i've got it REAL bad for this kid." We were lying on your bed (as usual), and it was dark. the only light was the light from your computer screen (back when it was actually working). You had finally coerced me into listening to the dixie chicks after much refusal on my part. i was using your chest as my pillow and we were still and quiet. you said "this one's my favorite song of theirs"... and "top of the world" started playing. i wasn't very impressed at first. but then the orchestrations towards the end came along with natalie maines screaming "to the top of the world, to the top of the world, top of the world." Then combined with the sound of your beating heart in my right ear made me melt in that moment.
So put the two paragraps above together and you've got what i think about every single day, atleast 10 million times a day. If someone put a gun to my face and asked me to decide between us, there would be no doubt in my mind i would say myself. so next time you say I havent experienced love, think again.
I've never told anyone, but one of my greatest fears is feeling this way forever. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to feel the way i do, but it's not very fun when the feelings are not returned.
There's no getting over it, There's no moving on. There's no learning to deal with the fact that you are with him and not me, so dont expect me to, because i won't. I will never be ok with the fact that i am yours, but you are not mine. There's no heal to the slap in my face that has been the past three weeks. What i feel runs too deep. Too Deep to get over, too deep to move on, too deep to deal with anything, too deep to cure.
"jor-el is weak"
no, i am not weak. if this were just some stupid crush i could be strong. If these were feelings i acquired after having sex with someone i could brush them off. If this were someone i fancied and flirted with, it would be easy to turn off the switch. But this is love, and everything is powerless against any type of love. any resistance to love falls short and fails.
Call me crazy, but i am. Trust me, after all i've been through, i have nothing to lose.
So stop feeling sorry for me, because every negative occurence is nothing but an opportunity for light, and i've had one of the greatest opportunities.
What truly drives me? What is it that ignites my fire? What makes me go crazy on a daily basis.
Answer: The way i feel about you.
Sure, people see the outside complaining and suffering and bitching about how you did this and you did that. People see my drunk crying at 90% of parties. But who sees the sober cries? Only me.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. What's happening to me is because i deserve it, and I am ok with that. This is strictly to show my feelings in their most raw form. In their most pure indications.
So...here goes...
I always wondered what being in love is like. I always wanted to feel what it was that drove jack to die for rose, or romeo for juliet, or what drove sayuri to become one with her chairman, or justin and brian. ok, ok, i know it's so sappy and cliche' and you're all probably like "...right well those are movies and this is real life." BUT, I truly believe i've experienced love. It may have been unrequited, but it was love none the less.
I never thought you were attractive, but all of a sudden, you became the most beautiful thing. All of your physical flaws disappeared before me. I can never get the shape of your nose out of my mind, how perfectly curved upward it is. Your lashes and how long and beautiful they look from profile view, they follow the curve of your nose. Your teeth when they peek through the natural opening in your lips. The warmth that my skin so thirstily soaks up with any part of me that touches you, it could be just our elbows touching as we sit side by side. The scent of you. The feeling i get when i hug you from behind, or from anywhere for that matter. The way your feet curl into that stupid sheet you always have to sleep with. The scent of you. The scent of you. The scent of you.
I'll never forget the setting for the day i thought "damn...i've got it REAL bad for this kid." We were lying on your bed (as usual), and it was dark. the only light was the light from your computer screen (back when it was actually working). You had finally coerced me into listening to the dixie chicks after much refusal on my part. i was using your chest as my pillow and we were still and quiet. you said "this one's my favorite song of theirs"... and "top of the world" started playing. i wasn't very impressed at first. but then the orchestrations towards the end came along with natalie maines screaming "to the top of the world, to the top of the world, top of the world." Then combined with the sound of your beating heart in my right ear made me melt in that moment.
So put the two paragraps above together and you've got what i think about every single day, atleast 10 million times a day. If someone put a gun to my face and asked me to decide between us, there would be no doubt in my mind i would say myself. so next time you say I havent experienced love, think again.
I've never told anyone, but one of my greatest fears is feeling this way forever. I'm not saying it's a bad thing to feel the way i do, but it's not very fun when the feelings are not returned.
There's no getting over it, There's no moving on. There's no learning to deal with the fact that you are with him and not me, so dont expect me to, because i won't. I will never be ok with the fact that i am yours, but you are not mine. There's no heal to the slap in my face that has been the past three weeks. What i feel runs too deep. Too Deep to get over, too deep to move on, too deep to deal with anything, too deep to cure.
"jor-el is weak"
no, i am not weak. if this were just some stupid crush i could be strong. If these were feelings i acquired after having sex with someone i could brush them off. If this were someone i fancied and flirted with, it would be easy to turn off the switch. But this is love, and everything is powerless against any type of love. any resistance to love falls short and fails.
Call me crazy, but i am. Trust me, after all i've been through, i have nothing to lose.
So stop feeling sorry for me, because every negative occurence is nothing but an opportunity for light, and i've had one of the greatest opportunities.