Fourth Quarter Comeback
Title: Fourth Quarter Comeback
Play: Titus Andronicus
Author: the_alchemist
Recipient: angevin2
Rating: I’m not entirely convinced it’s suitable for anyone. If it were film it would probably be an 18.
Summary: goths v. jocks - rivalry at Roma High gets out of hand[s].
Warnings: sex, violence, rape, torture, dismemberment, cannibalism, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, disphobia, naughty words, bad jokes.
Author's Note: I wrote this in a few furious splurges with far more enthusiasm than attention to detail, and scant knowledge of what American high schools are actually like. In those respects, I humbly submit that I’m not entirely different from the Shakespeare who wrote Titus. Unfortunately, he had rather more talent than me, and his intended audience didn’t include any ancient Romans. Thanks to the two people who helped me by reading it and making comments, and sincere apologies if you’re offended.
Prologue
"Hey... Aaron was it?" Coach Titus grinned and held out his hand.
Aaron looked down at him. At six foot three, this was an unusual experience for Coach Titus, so to hide his discomfort he grinned all the more. Aaron took his hand and shook it politely. "Good morning," he said, in a disconcerting English accent.
"So, you thinking of trying out for the team this year? I saw you and those other guys playing around - I can see you got talent."
Aaron raised an eyebrow. "You’re new around here, coach."
"Sure am."
"Goths and jocks... we don’t mix."
Coach Titus had already seen the Goths walking around: dyed black hair, piercings, t-shirts with unwholesome slogans, pale skin... "Don’t tell me you hang around with that sort, son. You don’t look like a Goth."
Aaron laughed. It was a deep rich sound that Coach Titus didn’t altogether like. "Don’t you believe it," he said. "I’m so Goth I was born black."
Chapter 1 - Grace
Lavinia let herself in and ran straight to the lounge, where her three brothers were watching TV.
"S.P.Q.R. - Roma High you’re going far!"
"Well?" Andy Titus looked at his kid sister.
"I got it!" she said.
"Head cheerleader?"
Lavinia nodded. Her twin, Marcus, squealed with delight. "Way to go, sis!"
"And that’s not all," she said.
"Uh-huh?" Marcus frowned at her, mock disapproving. "Do I detect a hint of romance in the air?"
"Brad asked me to Homecoming!"
Luke, the youngest, made vomiting noises. Marcus squealed again.
Andy frowned. "I’m not sure you ought to be dating a senior," he said.
"You’re not my dad, Andy. You don’t get to say that." But as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.
"No," said Andy. "I’m not dad. And I’m not mom, and no-one’s ever going to replace them. But when they were killed I gave up my scholarship so I could look after you all, and I care about you and... just be careful OK."
"OK Andy." She gave him a hug. "I’m sorry. I’ll make dinner now. Macaroni and cheese?"
He smiled at her. "My favourite," he said.
* * *
"Thank you God for food," said Luke, looking hungrily at his plate.
"Thank you God for making me head cheerleader," said Lavinia. "And I pray for everyone less fortunate than us. Please look after mom and dad. Amen."
"Thank you God for family and friends," said Marcus. "And for giving Andy the coach job, and for helping us all settle in at Roma High. Thank you especially for the theater department, and Mr Ingle, and I pray that - if it’s your will - I get into Rent. Amen."
"Thank you God for all your blessings," said Andy. "We pray for everyone at Roma High, but particularly we pray for those who have chosen to rebel against you. For all those involved in the Goth movement. For those who have fallen to the temptations of drugs, homosexuality, promiscuity, rock music, alcohol, tattoos, liberalism, abortion or motorbikes. We pray for your guidance to help me root out the ringleaders before they can corrupt more people. We pray for those who are carrying on mom and dad’s work with Parents Against Goths, and we forgive whoever it was who sabotaged their car. Amen."
"So how did the try-outs go?" asked Lavinia, once they had started eating.
"Like you weren’t watching every second," said Luke.
Lavinia blushed. "I have to support Brad now we’re dating," she said.
"Good," said Andy, looking intently at his macaroni. "Lot of talent there."
"But Brad was the best, right? He’s got a better arm and he’s way more accurate."
Andy looked uncomfortable. "Bradley Bassiano is good," he said. "But so is Todd Saturnine, and he was backup quarterback all last year. It’s his turn..."
Lavinia scowled. "What you mean is his dad’s company sponsored the uniforms."
"That has nothing to do with it," said Andy.
"Andy, you can’t make Todd starting quarterback, that’s not fair!"
Marcus saw the look on their brother’s face. Gently, he put his hand on Lavinia’s knee. "Leave it," he said.
Chapter 2 - Tamora’s amours
"He did what?" Tamora was stretched out languorously on a chaise longue in her parent’s basement, her legs looking even longer and thinner than usual, clad, as they were, in tight leather trousers.
"Straight up," said Aaron, passing her a joint. "Asked me to try out for the team."
"That’s hilarious," she said.
Tamora’s mom knocked on the door.
"Yeah?" she said.
"It’s Keiran and Danny," she said. "Shall I let them down?"
"Whatever," she said.
Aaron rolled his eyes. "I don’t know why you bother," he said. "They’re only after our dope."
"They’re amusing," she said. "And good in bed."
"And I’m not?"
"Of course you are, darling, but that’s different. I respect you. Besides, they were such preppies before I got my hands on them. Keiran and Danny: future frat boys of America. You know I see it as my duty to corrupt youth, and it’s not as though you don’t have your bits of fluff too."
The door burst open. Tamora saw the looks on their faces. "Darlings, what is it?" she said.
"Alanis," said Danny.
"We were on our way over here," said Keiran. "And that new coach - Tight Ass or whatever he’s called - he searched us."
"And Alanis had the gear on her," said Danny.
"They’re talking about expelling her," said Keiran. "They’re talking about involving the police."
Tamora leapt up. "Fuck," she said. "Fuck."
* * *
"Please." It was not a word she often used.
Coach Titus tried not to smirk. "I’m sorry Tamora, rules are rules."
"But she’s a straight-A student. She wants to be a lawyer - it’ll ruin her life."
"Well, perhaps it’ll be a wake-up call to you and your friends."
"She doesn’t even smoke the stuff. She was getting it for a friend."
"Well, if you’d care to tell me who that friend is, I can make sure they’re appropriately punished."
"Instead of Alanis?"
"Forget about Alanis," said the coach. "I’ve spoken to her parents. They are decent god-fearing people. Even if the courts don’t decide to lock her away, they’re going to make sure she never sees you - or anyone like you - again."
Tamora felt her eyes filling with tears, and hated herself for it. "Decent god-fearing people? Is that what you call it? Have you seen the bruises on her legs? And that’s not the worst...
"I’ve seen the scars on her wrist," interrupted the coach. "I’ve seen how her mind has been poisoned by ‘Goth’ music and ‘Goth’ culture, and people like you."
"I’m serious, Coach," said Tamora. "Please, I’ll give you anything. I’ll do anything. I’ll dress any way you want and listen to nothing but uplifting Christian music, and study hard and try out for the goddamn cheerleading squad if you want me to. Hell, you can expel me if you like. But not Alanis. She’ll die. I’m serious, she’ll literally die."
The coach shook his head. "I’m sorry, Tamora, that’s enough. Go and wash that makeup off your face right now, or you’ll be late for next period."
Chapter 3: SPQR
The four school mascots waddled self-consciously onto the pitch.
"Here’s Saaaammy Salmon!" said Marcus, over the microphone. He was in his element leading pep rallies, but the mascots were not one of Principal Jupiter’s more popular ideas, and even he struggled to summon up the requisite enthusiasm. "Sammy Salmon is Sporting, the first of our school’s values." To demonstrate this, Sammy Salmon kicked a football with the left half of his tail. It rolled a few feet then stopped. There was some half-hearted applause from some of the students sitting closest to the teachers.
"Heeeeere’s Pattie Panda!" Marcus continued. "Pattie Panda is Peppy!" Pattie Panda jumped up and down, waving some pom-poms. Inside, a freshman girl burst into tears. It had been bad enough being denied a place on the cheerleading squad because coach thought she was too fat: this was adding insult to injury
"Here’s Quincy Quail! Quincy Quail is questioning." Quincy wandered around vaguely for a few seconds.
"And here’s Randy Rooster! Randy Rooster is respectful." Randy bowed to each of the other three, but accidentally head-butted Sammy Salmon, who fell over.
Marcus sighed. But the show must go on. "So a big sporting, peppy, questioning, respectful round of applause for all of them, please," he enthused. "Wooohooo! SPQR!"
Once the mascots had stumbled off and Principal Jupiter had stopped applauding, someone passed Marcus a golden envelope. "The votes have been counted, and here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for," he said. "Roma High’s 2009 Homecoming King is... Todd Saturnine!"
There was a blast of mic feedback as Todd got up from where he was conveniently positioned in order to accept the honour (which came as a surprise to no-one.)
"Uh yeah," said Todd as he took the mic. "Thanks, you guys."
"And as for Homecoming Queen..." Marcus fanned himself with a programme, "...well, keeping my fingers crossed for this one myself, actually." About half the audience laughed as he undid the envelope. "But I’m delighted to say that I’ve been pipped to the post by the worthiest of all opponents, my own twin sister Lavinia Titus!"
"Wow!" said Lavinia, as Todd handed her the mic. "I’m just..." she started crying. "It’s been a tough couple of years for me and my family, as most of you know, and this just... I mean, I just wanna say, thank you mom, thank you dad, I only wish you could be here."
Marcus hugged her and sat her down next to Todd, who put his arm round her. While Marcus went on announcing the rest of the court, she whispered in his ear. "You do know this King and Queen thing... I mean, it’s not a date. I’m still going with Brad... I just want it to be clear that... I don’t know, I guess you’ve already asked someone yourself, right?"
Todd frowned. "What?"
"You’re a great guy, and I can’t wait for the dance, but Brad asked me at the beginning of the semester, and we’re kind of going steady."
"I’m King, you’re Queen," said Todd. "We’re going together. Period."
"Uh... no Todd."
"Uh... yes, Lavinia."
"Or what?"
"Or I tell Coach about your faggy brother and what he and his faggy friends get up to when he says he’s at the shooting range."
Then they both noticed Marcus turning to them. He said into the mic, "now if you two love birds have finished whispering sweet nothings to one another, we all have some serious partying to do!" The crowd erupted into cheers.
"We’ll talk about this later," she hissed to Todd.
Chapter 4 - Parents against Goths
"Todd’s a fine young man," said Andy.
"So is Brad!" said Lavinia.
Andy paused. He knew he had to tread carefully. "What do you want to do when you finish school, Lavinia?"
"Go to college, of course," she said. "I’m gonna be an English major. Or maybe music."
"My salary isn’t enough to send anyone to college," said Andy. "Not me, not you, not Marcus or Luke. I wish it was, but it just isn’t."
Lavinia shrugged. "I’ll get a scholarship," she said.
"Not on your grades you won’t," said Andy.
Lavinia considered this. It was undeniably true. "Sometimes I wish mom and dad hadn’t left all their money to Parents Against Goths," she said.
"Lavinia!" said Andy, shocked. "How can you begrudge a bit of money from such a worthy cause?"
She sighed. "Yeah, I know," she said. "Sorry. But what has this got to do with Brad and Todd?"
"You know Todd has an elder brother, Rudy?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he was going steady with his now wife, Jane, when they went to college. And the Saturnines paid her fees..."
"Andy!" Tears sprang into her big blue eyes. "That’s, like, prostitution!"
"Lavinia," said Andy. "Remember mom’s letter..."
Lavinia would never forget mom’s letter, written to the four of them, only to be opened in the event of the unexpected death of both parents. It ended:
"...and remember that Andy is ten years older than you, Lavinia, and you, Marcus, and twelve years older than you, Luke. He loves you and will always do the best for you. Obey him as you obeyed us, even if you don’t understand why he’s asking the things he is. Honour thy father and thy mother. When we are gone, he will be both father and mother to you, though not in a faggy way, obviously. (Lavinia, you need to take care of the cleaning and cooking, and be a mother to your brothers in that way, but that doesn’t mean anyone has to obey you.) I hope you will never read this or not for a long while, but our position with PAG puts us in CONSTANT DANGER. There have been many attempts on our lives already, like that time when a wasp stung your father, whom the Goths MUST HAVE KNOWN was allergic, and put it in our garden. Anyways, I’m in danger of rambling now, but the thing is I love you, and your dad loves you, and God loves you and you must always look out for one another. Love, mom."
She was ashamed then, and lowered her eyes. "I’m sorry Andy," she said. "I know you know best. I’ll do whatever you say."
* * *
"...so yeah, Todd. What I’m saying is that I’m sorry, and of course I’ll be your date for Homecoming." She was uncomfortably aware that the Goths were at the next table, listening to every word. She wished she’d chosen somewhere more private than the school cafeteria.
Todd smirked. "Too late, baby doll," he said. "I’ve already found another date."
"Oh!" said Lavinia, very relieved. "That’s great."
"Hey Tamora!" he shouted.
She sashayed over, sat on his lap and licked his ear with her pierced tongue.
Poor Lavinia couldn’t do anything other than stare open-mouthed. She had never even spoken to Tamora before, though of course, she knew all about the Gothic Menace from her parents and from Andy. She knew exactly what people like Tamora did to young girls like her. She didn’t even want to look at her, in case she got the urge to commit suicide, become a lesbian, or start a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Instinctively, she grabbed her purity ring for comfort and protection.
"Oh yes," said Todd, "and I happen to know that Tamora came second in the Homecoming Queen ballot. If you were to resign, then you wouldn’t even have to come near us. That’s what you want, isn’t it?"
Lavinia nodded, terrified. She had always wanted to be Homecoming Queen, but not at that price! "Excuse me," she said, and half ran from the cafeteria, leaving her lunch behind.
Todd and Tamora looked at one another and burst out laughing. Sitting alone at the next table, Aaron smiled.
Chapter 5 - Homecoming; or, a certain snatch
Lavinia fiddled coyly with her purity ring. "I’ve had the perfect evening, Brad," she said.
"Me too," he said. He touched her hair. "It’s just so soft," he said. "So... kissable." He drew it up to his mouth, just like the How to get girls to kiss you! e-book had recommended. She didn’t draw back. Yes! The book had said that meant she was willing. He touched her lips with his. Wow! He was doing it. Actually, really doing it. Now what? Surely she was supposed to open her mouth? He tried to part her lips with his tongue, but she moved her head to the side. Damn!
"I... I think I love you," she said.
"I think I love you too," he said.
Their lips brushed again. Lavinia giggled. But then, out of the corner of her eye she saw Tamora and Aaron. Instinctively, she wrinkled her nose.
"What is it?" asked Brad. Then he saw them. "Oh," he said, and gently turned her face away from them. "You shouldn’t have to look at sh... at things like that," he said.
She blushed. "Thank you, Brad," she said. "You’re such a gentleman."
"Well, you’re such a lady," he said.
"I’m not a racist," she reassured him. "Before mom and dad passed on, we had a gardener who was a... a colored person, and he was just lovely. But he’d never have dreamed of... you know... a white woman. Not that I blame Aaron. I bet she wanted it. She seduced him... you know what Goths are like... argh - I’m talking too much."
But Brad wasn’t listening. He was too busy stopping himself from touching her breast.
* * *
"The whore," said Keiran, watching them. "The frigid little whore."
"The bastard," said Danny. "He doesn’t have a fucking clue. I tell you, if she was my date, I’d have her up against the wall in the bathrooms by now."
"Your date?" said Keiran. "No fucking way. She needs a real man. Someone like me."
Danny looked at his younger brother. Then he punched him in the face. Keiran fell to the floor, but was up almost instantly. He grabbed Keiran by the shoulders of his tux, then kneed him in the groin. Danny doubled up in pain, cleverly managing to head-butt Keiran in the neck while doing so.
Then both brothers felt a strong hand on the scruffs of their necks.
"Aaron!"
"Uh huh. What’s the problem, boys?"
"That," said Keiran, pointing at Brad and Lavinia, who had now progressed as far as holding hands.
"It is, I confess, slightly disgusting," said Aaron. "What I do not understand is why it provoked you to punch one another. Only one face around her is prompting my fist to itch, and that belongs to Mr Bassiano."
"She’s mine," said Keiran.
"She’s mine," said Danny.
"Evidence suggests she’s Brad’s," said Aaron.
"Yeah," said Keiran, "but if she wasn’t?"
"Did you boys never learn to share?" asked Aaron.
Keiran and Danny looked at one another.
"I mean, if what you want is a white wedding and happily ever after, I confess that it could be tricky," Aaron continued. "But I don’t think either of you is ready to settle down just yet. And if on the other hand, we’re talking about... a certain snatch... well, what’s wrong with taking turns?"
"But she’d never be up for..." said Keiran, then trailed off, aware of sounding a bit naïve.
"I don’t see why what she is or isn’t up for makes the slightest bit of difference," he said. Then, "do we have a deal?"
"What?" said Danny.
"Meet her in the basement in five minutes," said Aaron.
* * *
"Quick," said Aaron, "are any of you first-aiders?"
"I am!" said Lavinia, standing up very straight.
"Someone’s in trouble," said Aaron. "A sophomore girl, trying to sneak in to the dance, through the basement. I think she might have broken something."
Lavinia nodded importantly. "Call for an ambulance," she said to Brad. "And tell a teacher. Take me to her, Aaron."
"I’ll follow you as soon as I’m done," said Brad, whipping out his cell phone, "I’m not leaving you alone with a..." He stopped himself. "Anyway, I won’t be long."
"Thank you, Brad," said Lavinia.
* * *
"Hold it right there, Brad."
"Coach!"
"I’ve been doing random searches of the coats in the cloakroom..."
"Coach, there’s been an accident. I have to go down to the basement..."
"Oh no you don’t, Brad. You’re coming with me to Principal Jupiter’s office. You’re in serious trouble, young man."
* * *
Lavinia had never been in the basement of Roma High before. It was dark and very dusty. She could just about make out some of the signs. "Do not enter." "Danger! High Voltage." All around there were pipes and tanks and strange machinery that whirred and gurgled and hummed. She wished she’d waited for Brad.
"Where is she, Aaron?" But Aaron had somehow disappeared. "Aaron?" Nothing. What was it dad had always said when mom lost an earring or a needle? "It’s like looking for a nigger in a woodpile!" Well, this was like looking for a nigger in a school basement. She imagined going home and telling dad that. He would have laughed and laughed until mom had to help him out with a glass of water. No-one ever laughed like dad laughed. God, she missed him. She found she was crying.
"Hello?" she shouted. "Anyone?"
Somewhere to the left something rustled. A mouse? Too loud for that. A rat then. She shuddered. Go back. The sophomore girl - if she existed - would have to wait for the ambulance. But which way was back? She went cold, suddenly afraid to move. There was another noise, more rustling, then a clang, then... unmistakable, footsteps.
"Aaron?"
Silence again. Then two sets of footsteps, one on her right, one on her left. The hand was over her mouth and nose before she could scream.
* * *
"I swear I have never seen them before. Do a blood test or whatever. I’m clean, Coach. I’ve never done drugs in my life."
Coach Titus shook his head grimly. "It’s out of my hands, son. I’ve called the police. I’m sure they’ll do a blood test, but even if they do... well, this is clearly too much for personal use. They’re gonna want to charge you with dealing."
* * *
"You won’t get away with this," said Lavinia weakly. "I’ll tell Andy. I’ll tell the Principal."
Danny and Keiran looked at one another, their faces strange and shadowy in the torchlight. It hadn’t occurred to them that she would be able to tell.
Then Danny had an idea. "Did you ever see Nightmare on 13th Street?" he said.
Keiran shook his head.
"There was this girl, and this guy fucked her, and she said she’d tell, and so he cut out her tongue, so she couldn’t."
"Cool," said Keiran. Then suddenly he realised what Danny meant. "Oh!" he said, but didn’t do anything.
"What, are you chicken?" said Danny, casually sticking his hand over Lavinia’s mouth again, as she was trying to scream.
"No way, man," said Keiran. "Got a knife?"
"No," said Danny. "I’ve got a gun though. Or you could bite it off."
"Ew!"
"Gun then." He handed it to Keiran. Lavinia had clamped her mouth firmly shut, so he punched her in the face a few times until her jaw went slack.
"Hang on," said Keiran, "How can I hold her tongue out without shooting my own fingers off?"
Danny shrugged. "Has to be biting then."
"Why me?" said Keiran. "You do it."
"What?"
"Are you chicken?"
"No way!" And with that, Danny pulled her tongue out of her mouth, bit it off, and spat it on the floor. He grinned.
"Hardcore," said Keiran.
"Wait," said Danny. "Fuck."
"What?"
"I’ve just remembered, on Nightmare, she writes down the name of the guy who fucked her."
"Shit," said Keiran. "Oh well, pass me the gun..."
* * *
"Tell Lavinia I love her..." shouted Brad as he was pushed into the police car.
Coach Titus grimaced. Hearing his kid sister’s name come out of that mouth made him feel sick to the stomach.
* * *
"This way, Paulo!" Marcus led the cute exchange student down to the basement. He had often used the janitor’s den for this kind of thing before, and knew his way through the darkness like the back of his own hand.
"I liking the blow jobs," Paulo whispered triumphantly. "I liking the handsome men."
"I liking the blow jobs and the handsome men too," said Marcus. He coculd see himself getting rather fond of Paulo. He was cute, and you have to admire anyone who could turn up in a foreign country knowing no vocabulary except his favourite sexual act and the group of people he is prepared to do it with.
* * *
Tamora rested her head on Aaron’s chest. "Thank you, my love," she said. "But you didn’t plant all the dope on Brad, did you?"
Aaron smiled, reached into the bedside cabinet, and expertly rolled a joint.
* * *
"No, thank you, Paulo!" Marcus kissed him. "But we’d better get back. This way."
As he let his new friend back up to the corridor he thought he heard something. "You go up. That’s right. I’ll come out later. We shouldn’t be seen together."
Marcus crept back down. "Hello?" he called. There it was again. Like groaning, only... different. "Anyone there?"
He switched on his flashlight.
"Oh. My. God. Lavinia? Lavinia, sweetheart? What happened? Tell me! Oh shit - your tongue? Why would anyone do that? Hang on. Oh fuck. What was that comedy horror parody musical we snuck off to see last summer? Nightmare on 42nd Street. It’s just like that, and I bet... the same thing happened to you? Yes? Oh sweetie! I’m so sorry. With Philly it was only her tongue... This is so much worse. I would have killed for hands like yours - so smooth, with lovely shapely nails. Mine have a tendency to crumble at the word manicure. And you won’t be able to cheerlead any more. Or do first aid. Shit! First aid. OK, stay there, Lavinia, sweetie. It’s OK. It’s all going to be... fuck, what did Philly’s uncle do? OK, darling, I’m dialling 911 right now..."
Chapter 6 - aftermath
Andy Titus lay face down in the middle of the lounge, sobbing loudly, as though daring anyone to call it an overreaction.
Luke sat in front of the TV, half-heartedly playing a video game that involved shooting people and stealing their cars, one that Andy had expressly banned, back in the days when he noticed stuff like that. Lavinia was trying to play too, jabbing at the spare controller with her slender stumps. Luke was kind of grossed out by that, but didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying so.
Marcus was just sitting and watching them all until he got a text message. "It’s Paulo," he said. "My friend I... shoot guns with. He wants to know if I’m coming down to the range today. I thought I might, if that’s OK with you, Andy?"
"Attaboy," said Andy, briefly raising his face from the ground. "Shooting. Proper, red-blooded American young man. Always said they were wrong to call you a faggot." Then he started sobbing again.
As Marcus was walking out, Luke threw down his controller and shook Andy’s shoulder. "Are you a retard or something?" he said. "Shooting guns. It’s a metaphor for jizzing." But Andy didn’t hear, or pretended not to.
In the corner, Lavinia finally managed to kill one of the little cartoon men, and waved her right stump in the air in triumph.
* * *
"Good to have you back," said Principal Jupiter.
Lavinia didn’t say anything.
"As you will see, we have stepped up school security. I spoke to the police this morning, and they have several interesting leads. I’m sure they’ll catch the intruder who... perpetrated these crimes in no time."
Lavinia didn’t say anything. Principal Jupiter patted her on the back. "I trust you have learned your lessons from this whole sorry business," he said. "That what might seem to you like innocent, flirtatious behaviour can inflame men’s passions, and lead to consequences we all regret. So let’s put it all behind us. I must say that whatever part you played in the sad events at Homecoming, you have since an inspiration to us all, a shining example of Christian womanhood and the school spirit. SPQR!"
* * *
"Stop it! Leave me alone!"
Luke started running, out of the house and into the garden, but Lavinia ran too, and would not stop touching his arms with her stumps.
"Just GET OFF, OK?"
But then Luke ran headlong into Andy, who was just coming through the gate.
"Whoa," he said. "Easy, tiger. What’s up?"
"Lavinia keeps following me. She’s creepy, Andy. Make her stop."
Andy frowned. "That’s no way to talk about your sister, Luke," he said. "Apologise, please."
Luke looked at his sister. "I’m sorry, Lavinia," he said. "I didn’t mean to call you creepy. But please leave me alone."
But Lavinia ignored him, and kept trying to tug at his elbow.
"Maybe she wants something," said Andy. "What are you holding, Luke?"
"Nothing," said Luke. "Just my boy scout handbook."
But the moment he held it up, Lavinia grabbed it between her stumps and ran off towards the house with it. Before she went in, she turned and looked at her brothers.
"I think she wants us to follow," said Andy.
The three of them ran through the kitchen and up the stairs to the door of Marcus’s bedroom, which Lavinia started to hammer on with the book.
"Who is it?" called Marcus from inside.
"It’s Lavinia," shouted Andy. "I think she wants something from you."
Marcus opened the door. "Hey sis," he said, giving her a hug. "How ya doing? Can I help you with something?"
She nodded.
"Anything," said Marcus.
Lavinia ran to the larger of Marcus’s two closets.
"Uh..." said Marcus. "Anything except that. Um... sweetie? Hello?"
But it was too late. She opened the door, and out tumbled a glittery mass of feather boas, sequined dresses, tiaras, stiletto shoes (extra large), velvet gloves and - right on top of the pile - a pair of pom poms.
Luke snorted derisively.
Marcus went bright pink.
Andy frowned. "You can tell me if you have girls over," he said. "I don’t mind, you know. It’s only natural - a red blooded male like yourself, particularly with some of the rumors going round..."
Lavinia meanwhile had pounced on the pom poms and was frantically trying to attach them to her wrists.
"...so which of the cheerleaders is it?" continued Andy. "Anyways, feel free to invite her to breakfast next time, OK?" He gently punched Marcus’s shoulder. "Attaboy!" he whispered.
Marcus nodded. "Um... yeah... thanks..." he said, and knelt down to help his sister, improvising with a couple of sparkly elastic headbands. "There," he said. "That should hold for now as long as you’re not too vigorous. We can find something more permanent later."
Andy finally turned his attention to Lavinia. "So you still want to be a cheerleader, huh? That’s the spirit. SPQR, eh?"
Lavinia held the right pom pom up in the air, keeping the left one pointing downwards.
Andy nodded encouragingly. "Go on then," he said.
Luke rolled his eyes. "Jeez..." he said, under his breath. "You guys are sick."
"Come on, sweetie," said Marcus. "You can do it! S.P.Q.R. Roma High You’re Going Far!" As he said it, he did a suspiciously good impression of one of Lavinia’s cheer routines.
Lavinia kicked the Boy Scout handbook towards her brothers.
"You don’t want the book anymore?" said Andy.
"Or maybe she wants us to read it," said Marcus. At this, Lavinia nodded vigorously.
Andy began leafing through it. "Knots?" he suggested. Lavinia shook her head. "First aid? Camping? Fishing?
Luke sighed. "Are you guys fucking retards or something? It’s semaphore. Page 73. She’s signaling the letter D or the number 4."
Andy turned to his youngest brother. "Watch your tongue, young man. The rape and dismemberment of your sister is no excuse for a foul mouth. I’ve warned you before. This time you’re grounded."
"Uh... guys," said Marcus, holding the book. "She’s just signaled ‘Danny and Keiran’. Do you think..."
Andy went pale. Then he went red. "I’ll kill them," he said. "No, killing’s too good for them..."
Chapter 7 - lend a hand
"Where’s Luke?" Coach Titus grabbed Aaron by his lapels and shook him.
"What?" said Aaron. "Let me go, Coach."
Danny snickered to Keiran: "he’s gone crazy, man!"
"I said, where’s Luke? I’m driving him home. He’s supposed to be here." Apart from the four of them, the parking lot was deserted.
Tamora walked up to the group. Today she looked almost Victorian, with a long, lacy black skirt, a high-necked blouse, also black, and her hair piled up on top of her head. "Did you say Luke?" she said.
Coach Titus let Aaron go. "What do you know about him?"
She smiled, and lit a cigarette. "What’s it worth?" she said, and blew smoke in his face.
Coach Titus coughed. "Smoking within school bounds is strictly forbidden," he said.
"So is physically attacking students," she said. "Which one do you think Principal Jupiter’s gonna come down hardest on?"
Keiran snorted.
Coach Titus spotted Marcus walking over to the Theater block. He waved to him, and he came over.
"Scared are you?" said Danny. "Need your faggy brother to hold your hand?"
"They’re all pole smokers," said Keiran. "The whole Tight Ass clan, even your dyke sister. But we showed her what a real man’s like..."
"And now we’re going to show little Luke the same," said Aaron, his voice ringing out, deeper, and more English than ever.
"I’m calling the police," said Coach Titus, getting out his cell phone.
"Go ahead," said Aaron. "We’ll no doubt be put away for a long time. It’ll be too late for Luke though."
"Where is he?" shouted Coach Titus. "Tell me where he is."
"I said, what’s it worth?" said Tamora.
"Yes," said Aaron, "make us an offer."
Coach Titus nodded and swallowed. "What do you want? Money?"
"Money’s good," said Danny.
Aaron and Tamora looked at one another. "Nothing so mercenary," said Aaron. "I just need one of you to lend us a hand with something..."
* * *
"No, let me do it!" said Marcus. "Honestly, I don’t mind. I can still sing and dance and act with one hand! Hell, it’ll even be an advantage for some roles."
"I commend your generosity," said Coach Titus, "but as head of the household, it’s my duty to do whatever’s necessary to keep you safe."
"But you’ll never play ball again!"
"And you’ll never shoot guns again! I know how much the shooting range means to you..."
"I can totally... um... shoot with one hand," said Marcus.
Keiran and Danny were almost pissing themselves with laughter.
"Well, hurry up and decide," said Aaron. "If you’re not quick, our friends will have finished with Luke before you’ve made up your mind."
"I guess we could take two," said Tamora.
Coach Titus sighed. "Fine," he said. "Go for it, Marcus. But go and get a towel and first aid kit first.
"Sure thing, Andy!" said Marcus, and ran back over to the theater block.
"Quick," said Coach Titus, "while he’s gone!"
Aaron laughed. "Cunning," he said, opening his car door. "Put it here, Coach. Keiran, Danny, hold him still."
Even above the slamming noise, the coach’s hand made a very satisfying squelchy, crunchy snap. Tamora applauded. Keiran and Danny let go of him, and he slumped to ground, staring at the mess at the end of his wrist.
"I had the car door modified," said Aaron. "You never know when you’ll need something of that nature."
Tamora hugged him. "I love you," she said.
Then Marcus returned. "I’ve got the... oh. Andy? Shit. OK, Andy, honey. I’m here. Take it easy. I’ve got you..."
"What’s happening?" In the chaos, no-one had noticed Luke arrive.
"Luke, darling," said Marcus, reaching out to him from the pavement, where he was cradling the stricken Andy in his lap. "Are you OK? Did they hurt you?"
"Did who hurt me? It was only a detention."
Marcus stared at him. "What?"
"So I got detention. Big deal. Some Goth kid said something about Lavinia, so I punched him, and I got detention. Um... what happened to Andy?"
"A detention," said Marcus, "with... like... teachers and shit?"
"Yeah."
"Not Goths?"
"No. Ms Minerva and Mr Neptune. But what happened to Andy’s hand?"
"April Fool!" said Tamora, and turned with an elegant swish of her long skirt. Danny and Keiran strutted away after her. Aaron got into his car and drove off.
"It’s September," said Luke quietly.
He took in the scene in front of him. He had learnt in Boy Scouts that severing someone’s hand does not lead to very much blood loss. He now discovered this was not in fact the case. "I’m sick of this crazy fucked up shit," he said, after some consideration.
"Language," said Andy, then fainted.
Marcus patted his shoulder abstractedly. "I know," he said to Luke.
"Why don’t we just get out of here?" said Luke. "Go stay with Grandpa Lear in Florida."
"And leave Roma High to the Goths?" said Marcus. "Never! Besides, last I heard Grandpa Lear had some crazy fucked up shit of his own going on."
"SPQR!" contributed Andy, faintly.
Marcus’s cell phone beeped. "Text from Lavinia," he said. "She says... hmm ‘azm bku,,lxa nce plxz’. Any idea?"
"Show me," said Luke. "‘Am... something... nice, please’?"
‘Lavinia’s texts’ had become something of a parlor game in the Titus household. Unfortunately, everyone except Andy was useless at it.
"Where is Lavinia?" said Marcus. "I thought Andy said she... shit! Lavinia - stop doing that!" She had developed a disconcerting habit of standing behind people very quietly and lurking until they noticed her. She ignored him and pointed urgently at the text.
"Let me see," said Andy, then threw up on Marcus’s arm and passed out again.
"Got it!" said Luke. "Ambulance please! She wants us to call 911."
Marcus had produced a red silk handkerchief from his breast pocket and was wiping his sleeve. "Oh yeah," he said. "Give me the phone."
"You are such a homo," said Luke.
"Hi," said Marcus. "Paramedics? Yeah. Roma High, again."
Chapter 8 - lamenting doings
Marcus brought the last bowl in and sat down.
Luke poked at his with his spoon. "Vegetable stew again?" he said.
"Thank you God for family," said Marcus. "Thanks for keeping us together and helping us all look out for one another. We pray for Lavinia, and Andy and anyone else who’s sick or in pain right now..."
"Unless they deserve it," said Andy. "We also pray for anyone who isn’t sick or in pain and should be."
"Um... yeah," said Marcus. "If it’s your will, Lord, we pray for that too. Luke?"
Luke shrugged. "I pray things get better," he said. "And we get to eat meat again."
Marcus spooned up some stew and offered it to Lavinia, who turned her head away.
"Attagirl!" said Andy. "Food is overrated, right?"
"Um... I don’t think that’s very helpful, Andy," said Marcus. "Come on Lavinia, remember what that lovely nurse at the hospital showed you."
"Hospital’s full of faggots and Goths," muttered Andy. "Not going back."
Marcus sighed, and made a mental note to check Principles of Wound Care out of the school library again.
He tapped Lavinia’s lips with the spoon. She opened her mouth a little way, and some went in, but most of it dribbled down her chin.
"Gross," said Luke.
Marcus banged the table.
"Stop that, both of you," said Andy.
"Sorry," said Marcus. "I was just swatting a fly."
Andy frowned. "Why?" he said.
"Uh... what?" said Marcus.
"You killed it," said Andy.
"Are you OK?"
"It came here to hum some pretty little tunes for us and you killed it," Andy was starting to go red.
"It was a fly, Andy," said Marcus, quietly. "Calm down. It’s OK."
"What if that fly has brothers and sisters?" said Andy. "How do you think they are feeling right now?"
"Oh for fuck’s sake," said Luke.
"It was just a fly, Andy. A big, black, ugly fly." He grinned. "Like Aaron," he said.
"Oh," said Andy, relaxing. "I see. Sorry - I didn’t realise. Here, let me swat it too." He leant over the table and brought his fist crashing down. A glass fell to the floor and broke.
"Great," said Marcus, his smile forced. "Can we get on with dinner now, or does someone else want a go? Luke? Lavinia?"
Andy was breathing deep and shallow, and staring at the little black blotch on the tablecloth. Then he picked up his bowl of stew and threw it in that direction. It shattered, spattering gravy, turnips and carrots over everyone.
Luke and Lavinia stared at him, mouths open. Marcus stood up. "Steady on," he said, coming round the table, but it was too late: cutlery, glasses, soup bowls, all of them started flying at the tiny black blotch.
Marcus grabbed his brother’s arm (the left one, the one with a hand at the end of it). "Cool it," he said, but Andy shook himself free and pulled the cloth off the table, bringing everything crashing to the floor with an almighty clatter. Then he jumped up and down on it, grinning with savage elation.
Luke and Lavinia backed away. Next, Andy picked up an enormous vase of flowers from the sideboard. But it was too heavy and too slippery to carry one-handed, and it fell before Andy had a chance to bring it to the table cloth. At that he crumpled onto the floor, curled up face down in the fetal position.
Marcus squatted next to him.
"I’m sorry," said Andy. "I didn’t mean to do that..."
"It’s OK," said Marcus. "Watch out for the glass though. Look, you’ve cut your hand. Luke - go get a dustpan and brush."
"I have not one tear left to shed," said Andy.
"Why don’t you curl up on the sofa?" said Marcus.
Andy picked up a shard of glass and stared at it.
"Whatever you’re planning to do with that," said Marcus, "I don’t think you should."
Andy dropped it, knelt up, and put his arms round Marcus, resting his head on his shoulder.
"That’s better," said Marcus, hugging him back, and trying not to think about the blood joining the stew spatters on his best shirt.
"If only getting Aaron and the others was that easy, right?" said Andy, starting to laugh.
"Right," said Marcus
"We will though, won’t we?" said Andy.
"Sure we will," said Marcus.
Chapter 9 - SPQR (reprise)
Principal Jupiter straightened his tie. "SPQR" he said to his reflection in the mirror. There was a knock on the door. "Come!" he said.
Tamora, Todd, Keiran, Danny and Aaron came in, and sat on the chairs in his office. Marcus, Luke and Lavinia followed shortly afterwards. There were no chairs left, so they stood awkwardly in the corner, as far away from the other four as they could get.
"Now," said Principal Jupiter, "you can probably guess why I’ve called you all in here."
No-one said anything.
"Cat got your tongues?" said Principal Jupiter.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"Well," said Principal Jupiter, not noticing his faux pas, "word has reached my ear of a rivalry between certain... factions within the school. And that is something I just will not tolerate. It goes completely against the school spirit. SPQR!"
"SPQR!" Everyone except Lavinia repeated dutifully.
"As you know, Coach Andy is currently on extended sick leave, but he phoned me this morning to suggest a remedy. He invites all of you to a pizza party, next Saturday..."
Marcus and Luke looked at one another. That seemed kind of improbable, given Coach Andy’s state of mind, and feelings about Tamora and her associates.
"Well?" continued Principal Jupiter. "What do you say to his kind offer? (Just nod, Lavinia. Good girl.)"
* * *
Andy could not remember the last time he’d slept properly. Sometimes he closed his eyes, and sometimes he saw things that were not really there. Sometimes the two things happened together - he supposed that was probably sleep of a sort. The night before the pizza party, as he lay awake, he heard someone knocking on his bedroom window, and then a faint voice. "SPQR!"
"SPQR," he replied, and went to investigate. He opened the curtains and saw, standing on the kitchen roof, just outside his window, four familiar figures.
"Let us in," yelled one.
He fumbled with the lock, and clumsily pushed the window right open. At once, the fattest of the four stood forward, so it was less than a couple of yards away from him. "I am Payback Panda," she said, "sent from the infernal kingdom to ease the knawing of thy vulture mind by working wreakful vengeance on thy foes!"
She stepped back, and the shortest waddled forward: "I am Savage Salmon," it said. "I am here to help you take revenge on any inhuman savages you know, who might have... uh... you know. Dismembered anyone or anything like that. ‘Kay?" He stood there awkwardly until Payback Panda pulled him back.
"I am Quisling Quail," said the third figure, stepping into the front. "A Quisling is a traitor, according to Wikipedia..." (at that point the Payback Panda punched him in the wing) "...and I am here to help you seek out traitors to the school and to the human race who... uh... do any bad stuff." He stepped back.
The fourth stepped forward, the tallest, a rooster with feathers blacker than the night. "I am Rapey Rooster," it said, in a deep, rich, English accent. "Show me a villain that hath done a rape, And I am sent to be revenged on him."
Andy smiled. "You are welcome, all three of you," he said. "And boy do I have work for you. But I’m forgetting my manners. Come in, come in..." With an extravagant gesture he ushered them into his bedroom.
They looked at one another. "Sure!" said Savage Salmon. Then he turned back and whispered to the others. "Come on, you guys. He’s batshit crazy. What harm can it do? We can have some fun." Quisling Quail started climbing through the window.
"I have homework," said Payback Panda.
"What do you think?" whispered Rapey Rooster to her.
"Keiran’s right," she said. "He’s as harmless as he is armless. But maybe you’d better stay to keep them out of mischief."
"Sure," said Rapey Rooster. "Love you."
"Love you too."
He climbed through. In each corner of the room there was a person, and each of the people were pointing a gun at him, and only one of the guns was attached to a Heath Robinson-esque contraption of strings and pulleys, such as allowed it to be operated by a person with no hands.
"Fuck," he said.
Chapter 10 - deus ex machina
The school cafeteria was decorated with paper chains and a Christmas tree, grinning turkeys, dancing skeletons, pumpkins, four leafed clovers, graduation scrolls and a big sign saying "Happy Hanukkah!!!!"
The big oval table used for School Governers’ meetings had been moved into the middle. At the centre, there were two thrones from when the Theater department did Hamlet, and arranged around them were six chairs. Luke and Lavinia were sitting on two of these.
"Wow!" said Todd as he and Tamora arrived, "this is... quite something."
"Welcome!" said Coach Titus. "Do sit down." He gestured to the thrones.
"Uh... I got a text from Aaron this morning," said Tamora. "He, Keiran and Danny are going to be a bit late. He said to start without them."
"No problemo!" said Coach Titus, and strutted off to the kitchen.
The four around the table looked at one another awkwardly.
"So, how you doing, you guys?" said Todd at last.
"OK," said Luke. "Um... considering."
There was an uneasy silence.
"So, thinking about trying out for the team next year?" Todd tried.
"Don’t know," said Luke, and stared at his placemat. Sammy Salmon stared back at him reproachfully.
* * *
Coach Titus re-entered, carrying a metal tray containing an enormous pizza high above his head. "Ta-da!" he said. "This one’s fish". Slowly, carefully, he lowered it onto the table.
He went out and came straight back in again, carrying a second pizza. "And this one’s chicken," he said. Then he brought in another chicken one. He frowned. "No sign of Marcus yet?"
Luke shook his head. "He said he was going shooting first," he said.
Coach Titus tutted. "That boy," he said. "Obsessed with guns."
Luke and Lavinia exchanged a glance which meant "guns in the sense of dicks, yes."
"Well," said Coach Titus, "we might as well say start saying grace. We have a family tradition of all contributing part of the prayer. Who wants to go first?" He looked at Todd.
"Sure," said Todd. "Uh... thank you God for food and friendship, and for the school values: sporty, peppy, questioning and respectful. Amen."
Todd looked at Tamora, "oh... um... thank you God for peace and reconciliation. Amen."
"Thank you God for... all this I guess," said Luke. He felt his cheeks burning and - to his humiliation - a tear working its way out of the corner of his eye.
"Lavinia, you’re excused," said Coach Titus, then: "Thank you, Lord, for bringing us together in this way. In fact I have a feeling that this meal is going to bring some of us closer to each other than we’ve ever been before..."
He reached out for a slice of pizza. "Well, tuck in, guys!"
Luke took a slice from the quarter of the pizza that had been reserved for the Tituses, and then took another for Lavinia. He tried not to look at Tamora or Todd.
"Delicious!" said Todd. "What kind of fish is it? Tastes almost like pork."
"I was just going to say the same about the chicken," said Tamora. She looked very hard at Coach Andy. "I’m... not sure I like it," she added, not taking her eyes off his face.
"Oh come, come," he said. "Don’t be shy. We all know how much you like eating big, black cock."
She looked horrified for a moment then smiled uneasily. "This is a joke, right? Like when we said we’d kidnapped Luke but he was just in detention."
Coach Titus considered this. "In one respect it is quite like that, yes. If you really don’t fancy the pizza, perhaps you could choose from the finger buffet instead." He whipped out a Tupperware container from under his seat and took off the lid. "Black or white?"
As Tamora was throwing up, the cafeteria door slammed open.
"Marcus!" said Coach Titus. "You’re late."
Marcus giggled disconcertingly. "We’re all late," he said.
Todd, who had just peered into the Tupperware container, suddenly cottoned on. "Oh. My. God." he said. "You’re sick." And he launched himself at Coach Titus.
A bullet hit him in the chest while still in midair, then another, and he fell to the ground. Then Marcus walked over to him and shot him again, in the face.
"I’m sorry, Lavinia," he said. "I didn’t mean for you to have to see that." He pointed the gun at her. "I love you. I meant you to go first."
She was shaking her head, and crossing her arms across her face. She screamed: a terrible, inhuman sound, the first she’d uttered since losing her tongue. The sound of the gun cut the sound off in an instant. Bang. Bang. Luke fell dead at the same time.
Tamora bolted towards the door, and Marcus shot her in the back three times.
"What’s all this..." Principal Jupiter strode in. His jaw metaphorically dropped to the ground when he saw the carnage in front of him.
Bang. His jaw literally shattered into a spray of blood, bone and teeth.
Andy started to laugh. Marcus grinned at him. "I’ve got more guns and ammo," he said. "How about it?"
"I always knew you were a real man," said Andy.
"How about it, Andy? Let’s see how many more we can take down."
Andy nodded. "SPQR," he whispered.
"SPQR, bro."
Epilogue
It was several weeks before anyone worked out that the Titus house had a cellar. Interestingly, the autopsies showed that two of the handless, footless, tongueless, eyeless, lipless, noseless, earless, castrated corpses had died shortly after their other injuries had been inflicted, the immediate cause of death being a series of bites to the neck.
The pattern of teeth matched that of the third handless, footless, tongueless, eyeless, lipless, noseless, earless, castrated etc. corpse, which was still warm.
Aaron consequently received write-ups in several respected medical journals, as well as two popular films, a series of comic books and a musical.
Play: Titus Andronicus
Author: the_alchemist
Recipient: angevin2
Rating: I’m not entirely convinced it’s suitable for anyone. If it were film it would probably be an 18.
Summary: goths v. jocks - rivalry at Roma High gets out of hand[s].
Warnings: sex, violence, rape, torture, dismemberment, cannibalism, racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, disphobia, naughty words, bad jokes.
Author's Note: I wrote this in a few furious splurges with far more enthusiasm than attention to detail, and scant knowledge of what American high schools are actually like. In those respects, I humbly submit that I’m not entirely different from the Shakespeare who wrote Titus. Unfortunately, he had rather more talent than me, and his intended audience didn’t include any ancient Romans. Thanks to the two people who helped me by reading it and making comments, and sincere apologies if you’re offended.
Prologue
"Hey... Aaron was it?" Coach Titus grinned and held out his hand.
Aaron looked down at him. At six foot three, this was an unusual experience for Coach Titus, so to hide his discomfort he grinned all the more. Aaron took his hand and shook it politely. "Good morning," he said, in a disconcerting English accent.
"So, you thinking of trying out for the team this year? I saw you and those other guys playing around - I can see you got talent."
Aaron raised an eyebrow. "You’re new around here, coach."
"Sure am."
"Goths and jocks... we don’t mix."
Coach Titus had already seen the Goths walking around: dyed black hair, piercings, t-shirts with unwholesome slogans, pale skin... "Don’t tell me you hang around with that sort, son. You don’t look like a Goth."
Aaron laughed. It was a deep rich sound that Coach Titus didn’t altogether like. "Don’t you believe it," he said. "I’m so Goth I was born black."
Chapter 1 - Grace
Lavinia let herself in and ran straight to the lounge, where her three brothers were watching TV.
"S.P.Q.R. - Roma High you’re going far!"
"Well?" Andy Titus looked at his kid sister.
"I got it!" she said.
"Head cheerleader?"
Lavinia nodded. Her twin, Marcus, squealed with delight. "Way to go, sis!"
"And that’s not all," she said.
"Uh-huh?" Marcus frowned at her, mock disapproving. "Do I detect a hint of romance in the air?"
"Brad asked me to Homecoming!"
Luke, the youngest, made vomiting noises. Marcus squealed again.
Andy frowned. "I’m not sure you ought to be dating a senior," he said.
"You’re not my dad, Andy. You don’t get to say that." But as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.
"No," said Andy. "I’m not dad. And I’m not mom, and no-one’s ever going to replace them. But when they were killed I gave up my scholarship so I could look after you all, and I care about you and... just be careful OK."
"OK Andy." She gave him a hug. "I’m sorry. I’ll make dinner now. Macaroni and cheese?"
He smiled at her. "My favourite," he said.
* * *
"Thank you God for food," said Luke, looking hungrily at his plate.
"Thank you God for making me head cheerleader," said Lavinia. "And I pray for everyone less fortunate than us. Please look after mom and dad. Amen."
"Thank you God for family and friends," said Marcus. "And for giving Andy the coach job, and for helping us all settle in at Roma High. Thank you especially for the theater department, and Mr Ingle, and I pray that - if it’s your will - I get into Rent. Amen."
"Thank you God for all your blessings," said Andy. "We pray for everyone at Roma High, but particularly we pray for those who have chosen to rebel against you. For all those involved in the Goth movement. For those who have fallen to the temptations of drugs, homosexuality, promiscuity, rock music, alcohol, tattoos, liberalism, abortion or motorbikes. We pray for your guidance to help me root out the ringleaders before they can corrupt more people. We pray for those who are carrying on mom and dad’s work with Parents Against Goths, and we forgive whoever it was who sabotaged their car. Amen."
"So how did the try-outs go?" asked Lavinia, once they had started eating.
"Like you weren’t watching every second," said Luke.
Lavinia blushed. "I have to support Brad now we’re dating," she said.
"Good," said Andy, looking intently at his macaroni. "Lot of talent there."
"But Brad was the best, right? He’s got a better arm and he’s way more accurate."
Andy looked uncomfortable. "Bradley Bassiano is good," he said. "But so is Todd Saturnine, and he was backup quarterback all last year. It’s his turn..."
Lavinia scowled. "What you mean is his dad’s company sponsored the uniforms."
"That has nothing to do with it," said Andy.
"Andy, you can’t make Todd starting quarterback, that’s not fair!"
Marcus saw the look on their brother’s face. Gently, he put his hand on Lavinia’s knee. "Leave it," he said.
Chapter 2 - Tamora’s amours
"He did what?" Tamora was stretched out languorously on a chaise longue in her parent’s basement, her legs looking even longer and thinner than usual, clad, as they were, in tight leather trousers.
"Straight up," said Aaron, passing her a joint. "Asked me to try out for the team."
"That’s hilarious," she said.
Tamora’s mom knocked on the door.
"Yeah?" she said.
"It’s Keiran and Danny," she said. "Shall I let them down?"
"Whatever," she said.
Aaron rolled his eyes. "I don’t know why you bother," he said. "They’re only after our dope."
"They’re amusing," she said. "And good in bed."
"And I’m not?"
"Of course you are, darling, but that’s different. I respect you. Besides, they were such preppies before I got my hands on them. Keiran and Danny: future frat boys of America. You know I see it as my duty to corrupt youth, and it’s not as though you don’t have your bits of fluff too."
The door burst open. Tamora saw the looks on their faces. "Darlings, what is it?" she said.
"Alanis," said Danny.
"We were on our way over here," said Keiran. "And that new coach - Tight Ass or whatever he’s called - he searched us."
"And Alanis had the gear on her," said Danny.
"They’re talking about expelling her," said Keiran. "They’re talking about involving the police."
Tamora leapt up. "Fuck," she said. "Fuck."
* * *
"Please." It was not a word she often used.
Coach Titus tried not to smirk. "I’m sorry Tamora, rules are rules."
"But she’s a straight-A student. She wants to be a lawyer - it’ll ruin her life."
"Well, perhaps it’ll be a wake-up call to you and your friends."
"She doesn’t even smoke the stuff. She was getting it for a friend."
"Well, if you’d care to tell me who that friend is, I can make sure they’re appropriately punished."
"Instead of Alanis?"
"Forget about Alanis," said the coach. "I’ve spoken to her parents. They are decent god-fearing people. Even if the courts don’t decide to lock her away, they’re going to make sure she never sees you - or anyone like you - again."
Tamora felt her eyes filling with tears, and hated herself for it. "Decent god-fearing people? Is that what you call it? Have you seen the bruises on her legs? And that’s not the worst...
"I’ve seen the scars on her wrist," interrupted the coach. "I’ve seen how her mind has been poisoned by ‘Goth’ music and ‘Goth’ culture, and people like you."
"I’m serious, Coach," said Tamora. "Please, I’ll give you anything. I’ll do anything. I’ll dress any way you want and listen to nothing but uplifting Christian music, and study hard and try out for the goddamn cheerleading squad if you want me to. Hell, you can expel me if you like. But not Alanis. She’ll die. I’m serious, she’ll literally die."
The coach shook his head. "I’m sorry, Tamora, that’s enough. Go and wash that makeup off your face right now, or you’ll be late for next period."
Chapter 3: SPQR
The four school mascots waddled self-consciously onto the pitch.
"Here’s Saaaammy Salmon!" said Marcus, over the microphone. He was in his element leading pep rallies, but the mascots were not one of Principal Jupiter’s more popular ideas, and even he struggled to summon up the requisite enthusiasm. "Sammy Salmon is Sporting, the first of our school’s values." To demonstrate this, Sammy Salmon kicked a football with the left half of his tail. It rolled a few feet then stopped. There was some half-hearted applause from some of the students sitting closest to the teachers.
"Heeeeere’s Pattie Panda!" Marcus continued. "Pattie Panda is Peppy!" Pattie Panda jumped up and down, waving some pom-poms. Inside, a freshman girl burst into tears. It had been bad enough being denied a place on the cheerleading squad because coach thought she was too fat: this was adding insult to injury
"Here’s Quincy Quail! Quincy Quail is questioning." Quincy wandered around vaguely for a few seconds.
"And here’s Randy Rooster! Randy Rooster is respectful." Randy bowed to each of the other three, but accidentally head-butted Sammy Salmon, who fell over.
Marcus sighed. But the show must go on. "So a big sporting, peppy, questioning, respectful round of applause for all of them, please," he enthused. "Wooohooo! SPQR!"
Once the mascots had stumbled off and Principal Jupiter had stopped applauding, someone passed Marcus a golden envelope. "The votes have been counted, and here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for," he said. "Roma High’s 2009 Homecoming King is... Todd Saturnine!"
There was a blast of mic feedback as Todd got up from where he was conveniently positioned in order to accept the honour (which came as a surprise to no-one.)
"Uh yeah," said Todd as he took the mic. "Thanks, you guys."
"And as for Homecoming Queen..." Marcus fanned himself with a programme, "...well, keeping my fingers crossed for this one myself, actually." About half the audience laughed as he undid the envelope. "But I’m delighted to say that I’ve been pipped to the post by the worthiest of all opponents, my own twin sister Lavinia Titus!"
"Wow!" said Lavinia, as Todd handed her the mic. "I’m just..." she started crying. "It’s been a tough couple of years for me and my family, as most of you know, and this just... I mean, I just wanna say, thank you mom, thank you dad, I only wish you could be here."
Marcus hugged her and sat her down next to Todd, who put his arm round her. While Marcus went on announcing the rest of the court, she whispered in his ear. "You do know this King and Queen thing... I mean, it’s not a date. I’m still going with Brad... I just want it to be clear that... I don’t know, I guess you’ve already asked someone yourself, right?"
Todd frowned. "What?"
"You’re a great guy, and I can’t wait for the dance, but Brad asked me at the beginning of the semester, and we’re kind of going steady."
"I’m King, you’re Queen," said Todd. "We’re going together. Period."
"Uh... no Todd."
"Uh... yes, Lavinia."
"Or what?"
"Or I tell Coach about your faggy brother and what he and his faggy friends get up to when he says he’s at the shooting range."
Then they both noticed Marcus turning to them. He said into the mic, "now if you two love birds have finished whispering sweet nothings to one another, we all have some serious partying to do!" The crowd erupted into cheers.
"We’ll talk about this later," she hissed to Todd.
Chapter 4 - Parents against Goths
"Todd’s a fine young man," said Andy.
"So is Brad!" said Lavinia.
Andy paused. He knew he had to tread carefully. "What do you want to do when you finish school, Lavinia?"
"Go to college, of course," she said. "I’m gonna be an English major. Or maybe music."
"My salary isn’t enough to send anyone to college," said Andy. "Not me, not you, not Marcus or Luke. I wish it was, but it just isn’t."
Lavinia shrugged. "I’ll get a scholarship," she said.
"Not on your grades you won’t," said Andy.
Lavinia considered this. It was undeniably true. "Sometimes I wish mom and dad hadn’t left all their money to Parents Against Goths," she said.
"Lavinia!" said Andy, shocked. "How can you begrudge a bit of money from such a worthy cause?"
She sighed. "Yeah, I know," she said. "Sorry. But what has this got to do with Brad and Todd?"
"You know Todd has an elder brother, Rudy?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he was going steady with his now wife, Jane, when they went to college. And the Saturnines paid her fees..."
"Andy!" Tears sprang into her big blue eyes. "That’s, like, prostitution!"
"Lavinia," said Andy. "Remember mom’s letter..."
Lavinia would never forget mom’s letter, written to the four of them, only to be opened in the event of the unexpected death of both parents. It ended:
"...and remember that Andy is ten years older than you, Lavinia, and you, Marcus, and twelve years older than you, Luke. He loves you and will always do the best for you. Obey him as you obeyed us, even if you don’t understand why he’s asking the things he is. Honour thy father and thy mother. When we are gone, he will be both father and mother to you, though not in a faggy way, obviously. (Lavinia, you need to take care of the cleaning and cooking, and be a mother to your brothers in that way, but that doesn’t mean anyone has to obey you.) I hope you will never read this or not for a long while, but our position with PAG puts us in CONSTANT DANGER. There have been many attempts on our lives already, like that time when a wasp stung your father, whom the Goths MUST HAVE KNOWN was allergic, and put it in our garden. Anyways, I’m in danger of rambling now, but the thing is I love you, and your dad loves you, and God loves you and you must always look out for one another. Love, mom."
She was ashamed then, and lowered her eyes. "I’m sorry Andy," she said. "I know you know best. I’ll do whatever you say."
* * *
"...so yeah, Todd. What I’m saying is that I’m sorry, and of course I’ll be your date for Homecoming." She was uncomfortably aware that the Goths were at the next table, listening to every word. She wished she’d chosen somewhere more private than the school cafeteria.
Todd smirked. "Too late, baby doll," he said. "I’ve already found another date."
"Oh!" said Lavinia, very relieved. "That’s great."
"Hey Tamora!" he shouted.
She sashayed over, sat on his lap and licked his ear with her pierced tongue.
Poor Lavinia couldn’t do anything other than stare open-mouthed. She had never even spoken to Tamora before, though of course, she knew all about the Gothic Menace from her parents and from Andy. She knew exactly what people like Tamora did to young girls like her. She didn’t even want to look at her, in case she got the urge to commit suicide, become a lesbian, or start a game of Dungeons and Dragons. Instinctively, she grabbed her purity ring for comfort and protection.
"Oh yes," said Todd, "and I happen to know that Tamora came second in the Homecoming Queen ballot. If you were to resign, then you wouldn’t even have to come near us. That’s what you want, isn’t it?"
Lavinia nodded, terrified. She had always wanted to be Homecoming Queen, but not at that price! "Excuse me," she said, and half ran from the cafeteria, leaving her lunch behind.
Todd and Tamora looked at one another and burst out laughing. Sitting alone at the next table, Aaron smiled.
Chapter 5 - Homecoming; or, a certain snatch
Lavinia fiddled coyly with her purity ring. "I’ve had the perfect evening, Brad," she said.
"Me too," he said. He touched her hair. "It’s just so soft," he said. "So... kissable." He drew it up to his mouth, just like the How to get girls to kiss you! e-book had recommended. She didn’t draw back. Yes! The book had said that meant she was willing. He touched her lips with his. Wow! He was doing it. Actually, really doing it. Now what? Surely she was supposed to open her mouth? He tried to part her lips with his tongue, but she moved her head to the side. Damn!
"I... I think I love you," she said.
"I think I love you too," he said.
Their lips brushed again. Lavinia giggled. But then, out of the corner of her eye she saw Tamora and Aaron. Instinctively, she wrinkled her nose.
"What is it?" asked Brad. Then he saw them. "Oh," he said, and gently turned her face away from them. "You shouldn’t have to look at sh... at things like that," he said.
She blushed. "Thank you, Brad," she said. "You’re such a gentleman."
"Well, you’re such a lady," he said.
"I’m not a racist," she reassured him. "Before mom and dad passed on, we had a gardener who was a... a colored person, and he was just lovely. But he’d never have dreamed of... you know... a white woman. Not that I blame Aaron. I bet she wanted it. She seduced him... you know what Goths are like... argh - I’m talking too much."
But Brad wasn’t listening. He was too busy stopping himself from touching her breast.
* * *
"The whore," said Keiran, watching them. "The frigid little whore."
"The bastard," said Danny. "He doesn’t have a fucking clue. I tell you, if she was my date, I’d have her up against the wall in the bathrooms by now."
"Your date?" said Keiran. "No fucking way. She needs a real man. Someone like me."
Danny looked at his younger brother. Then he punched him in the face. Keiran fell to the floor, but was up almost instantly. He grabbed Keiran by the shoulders of his tux, then kneed him in the groin. Danny doubled up in pain, cleverly managing to head-butt Keiran in the neck while doing so.
Then both brothers felt a strong hand on the scruffs of their necks.
"Aaron!"
"Uh huh. What’s the problem, boys?"
"That," said Keiran, pointing at Brad and Lavinia, who had now progressed as far as holding hands.
"It is, I confess, slightly disgusting," said Aaron. "What I do not understand is why it provoked you to punch one another. Only one face around her is prompting my fist to itch, and that belongs to Mr Bassiano."
"She’s mine," said Keiran.
"She’s mine," said Danny.
"Evidence suggests she’s Brad’s," said Aaron.
"Yeah," said Keiran, "but if she wasn’t?"
"Did you boys never learn to share?" asked Aaron.
Keiran and Danny looked at one another.
"I mean, if what you want is a white wedding and happily ever after, I confess that it could be tricky," Aaron continued. "But I don’t think either of you is ready to settle down just yet. And if on the other hand, we’re talking about... a certain snatch... well, what’s wrong with taking turns?"
"But she’d never be up for..." said Keiran, then trailed off, aware of sounding a bit naïve.
"I don’t see why what she is or isn’t up for makes the slightest bit of difference," he said. Then, "do we have a deal?"
"What?" said Danny.
"Meet her in the basement in five minutes," said Aaron.
* * *
"Quick," said Aaron, "are any of you first-aiders?"
"I am!" said Lavinia, standing up very straight.
"Someone’s in trouble," said Aaron. "A sophomore girl, trying to sneak in to the dance, through the basement. I think she might have broken something."
Lavinia nodded importantly. "Call for an ambulance," she said to Brad. "And tell a teacher. Take me to her, Aaron."
"I’ll follow you as soon as I’m done," said Brad, whipping out his cell phone, "I’m not leaving you alone with a..." He stopped himself. "Anyway, I won’t be long."
"Thank you, Brad," said Lavinia.
* * *
"Hold it right there, Brad."
"Coach!"
"I’ve been doing random searches of the coats in the cloakroom..."
"Coach, there’s been an accident. I have to go down to the basement..."
"Oh no you don’t, Brad. You’re coming with me to Principal Jupiter’s office. You’re in serious trouble, young man."
* * *
Lavinia had never been in the basement of Roma High before. It was dark and very dusty. She could just about make out some of the signs. "Do not enter." "Danger! High Voltage." All around there were pipes and tanks and strange machinery that whirred and gurgled and hummed. She wished she’d waited for Brad.
"Where is she, Aaron?" But Aaron had somehow disappeared. "Aaron?" Nothing. What was it dad had always said when mom lost an earring or a needle? "It’s like looking for a nigger in a woodpile!" Well, this was like looking for a nigger in a school basement. She imagined going home and telling dad that. He would have laughed and laughed until mom had to help him out with a glass of water. No-one ever laughed like dad laughed. God, she missed him. She found she was crying.
"Hello?" she shouted. "Anyone?"
Somewhere to the left something rustled. A mouse? Too loud for that. A rat then. She shuddered. Go back. The sophomore girl - if she existed - would have to wait for the ambulance. But which way was back? She went cold, suddenly afraid to move. There was another noise, more rustling, then a clang, then... unmistakable, footsteps.
"Aaron?"
Silence again. Then two sets of footsteps, one on her right, one on her left. The hand was over her mouth and nose before she could scream.
* * *
"I swear I have never seen them before. Do a blood test or whatever. I’m clean, Coach. I’ve never done drugs in my life."
Coach Titus shook his head grimly. "It’s out of my hands, son. I’ve called the police. I’m sure they’ll do a blood test, but even if they do... well, this is clearly too much for personal use. They’re gonna want to charge you with dealing."
* * *
"You won’t get away with this," said Lavinia weakly. "I’ll tell Andy. I’ll tell the Principal."
Danny and Keiran looked at one another, their faces strange and shadowy in the torchlight. It hadn’t occurred to them that she would be able to tell.
Then Danny had an idea. "Did you ever see Nightmare on 13th Street?" he said.
Keiran shook his head.
"There was this girl, and this guy fucked her, and she said she’d tell, and so he cut out her tongue, so she couldn’t."
"Cool," said Keiran. Then suddenly he realised what Danny meant. "Oh!" he said, but didn’t do anything.
"What, are you chicken?" said Danny, casually sticking his hand over Lavinia’s mouth again, as she was trying to scream.
"No way, man," said Keiran. "Got a knife?"
"No," said Danny. "I’ve got a gun though. Or you could bite it off."
"Ew!"
"Gun then." He handed it to Keiran. Lavinia had clamped her mouth firmly shut, so he punched her in the face a few times until her jaw went slack.
"Hang on," said Keiran, "How can I hold her tongue out without shooting my own fingers off?"
Danny shrugged. "Has to be biting then."
"Why me?" said Keiran. "You do it."
"What?"
"Are you chicken?"
"No way!" And with that, Danny pulled her tongue out of her mouth, bit it off, and spat it on the floor. He grinned.
"Hardcore," said Keiran.
"Wait," said Danny. "Fuck."
"What?"
"I’ve just remembered, on Nightmare, she writes down the name of the guy who fucked her."
"Shit," said Keiran. "Oh well, pass me the gun..."
* * *
"Tell Lavinia I love her..." shouted Brad as he was pushed into the police car.
Coach Titus grimaced. Hearing his kid sister’s name come out of that mouth made him feel sick to the stomach.
* * *
"This way, Paulo!" Marcus led the cute exchange student down to the basement. He had often used the janitor’s den for this kind of thing before, and knew his way through the darkness like the back of his own hand.
"I liking the blow jobs," Paulo whispered triumphantly. "I liking the handsome men."
"I liking the blow jobs and the handsome men too," said Marcus. He coculd see himself getting rather fond of Paulo. He was cute, and you have to admire anyone who could turn up in a foreign country knowing no vocabulary except his favourite sexual act and the group of people he is prepared to do it with.
* * *
Tamora rested her head on Aaron’s chest. "Thank you, my love," she said. "But you didn’t plant all the dope on Brad, did you?"
Aaron smiled, reached into the bedside cabinet, and expertly rolled a joint.
* * *
"No, thank you, Paulo!" Marcus kissed him. "But we’d better get back. This way."
As he let his new friend back up to the corridor he thought he heard something. "You go up. That’s right. I’ll come out later. We shouldn’t be seen together."
Marcus crept back down. "Hello?" he called. There it was again. Like groaning, only... different. "Anyone there?"
He switched on his flashlight.
"Oh. My. God. Lavinia? Lavinia, sweetheart? What happened? Tell me! Oh shit - your tongue? Why would anyone do that? Hang on. Oh fuck. What was that comedy horror parody musical we snuck off to see last summer? Nightmare on 42nd Street. It’s just like that, and I bet... the same thing happened to you? Yes? Oh sweetie! I’m so sorry. With Philly it was only her tongue... This is so much worse. I would have killed for hands like yours - so smooth, with lovely shapely nails. Mine have a tendency to crumble at the word manicure. And you won’t be able to cheerlead any more. Or do first aid. Shit! First aid. OK, stay there, Lavinia, sweetie. It’s OK. It’s all going to be... fuck, what did Philly’s uncle do? OK, darling, I’m dialling 911 right now..."
Chapter 6 - aftermath
Andy Titus lay face down in the middle of the lounge, sobbing loudly, as though daring anyone to call it an overreaction.
Luke sat in front of the TV, half-heartedly playing a video game that involved shooting people and stealing their cars, one that Andy had expressly banned, back in the days when he noticed stuff like that. Lavinia was trying to play too, jabbing at the spare controller with her slender stumps. Luke was kind of grossed out by that, but didn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying so.
Marcus was just sitting and watching them all until he got a text message. "It’s Paulo," he said. "My friend I... shoot guns with. He wants to know if I’m coming down to the range today. I thought I might, if that’s OK with you, Andy?"
"Attaboy," said Andy, briefly raising his face from the ground. "Shooting. Proper, red-blooded American young man. Always said they were wrong to call you a faggot." Then he started sobbing again.
As Marcus was walking out, Luke threw down his controller and shook Andy’s shoulder. "Are you a retard or something?" he said. "Shooting guns. It’s a metaphor for jizzing." But Andy didn’t hear, or pretended not to.
In the corner, Lavinia finally managed to kill one of the little cartoon men, and waved her right stump in the air in triumph.
* * *
"Good to have you back," said Principal Jupiter.
Lavinia didn’t say anything.
"As you will see, we have stepped up school security. I spoke to the police this morning, and they have several interesting leads. I’m sure they’ll catch the intruder who... perpetrated these crimes in no time."
Lavinia didn’t say anything. Principal Jupiter patted her on the back. "I trust you have learned your lessons from this whole sorry business," he said. "That what might seem to you like innocent, flirtatious behaviour can inflame men’s passions, and lead to consequences we all regret. So let’s put it all behind us. I must say that whatever part you played in the sad events at Homecoming, you have since an inspiration to us all, a shining example of Christian womanhood and the school spirit. SPQR!"
* * *
"Stop it! Leave me alone!"
Luke started running, out of the house and into the garden, but Lavinia ran too, and would not stop touching his arms with her stumps.
"Just GET OFF, OK?"
But then Luke ran headlong into Andy, who was just coming through the gate.
"Whoa," he said. "Easy, tiger. What’s up?"
"Lavinia keeps following me. She’s creepy, Andy. Make her stop."
Andy frowned. "That’s no way to talk about your sister, Luke," he said. "Apologise, please."
Luke looked at his sister. "I’m sorry, Lavinia," he said. "I didn’t mean to call you creepy. But please leave me alone."
But Lavinia ignored him, and kept trying to tug at his elbow.
"Maybe she wants something," said Andy. "What are you holding, Luke?"
"Nothing," said Luke. "Just my boy scout handbook."
But the moment he held it up, Lavinia grabbed it between her stumps and ran off towards the house with it. Before she went in, she turned and looked at her brothers.
"I think she wants us to follow," said Andy.
The three of them ran through the kitchen and up the stairs to the door of Marcus’s bedroom, which Lavinia started to hammer on with the book.
"Who is it?" called Marcus from inside.
"It’s Lavinia," shouted Andy. "I think she wants something from you."
Marcus opened the door. "Hey sis," he said, giving her a hug. "How ya doing? Can I help you with something?"
She nodded.
"Anything," said Marcus.
Lavinia ran to the larger of Marcus’s two closets.
"Uh..." said Marcus. "Anything except that. Um... sweetie? Hello?"
But it was too late. She opened the door, and out tumbled a glittery mass of feather boas, sequined dresses, tiaras, stiletto shoes (extra large), velvet gloves and - right on top of the pile - a pair of pom poms.
Luke snorted derisively.
Marcus went bright pink.
Andy frowned. "You can tell me if you have girls over," he said. "I don’t mind, you know. It’s only natural - a red blooded male like yourself, particularly with some of the rumors going round..."
Lavinia meanwhile had pounced on the pom poms and was frantically trying to attach them to her wrists.
"...so which of the cheerleaders is it?" continued Andy. "Anyways, feel free to invite her to breakfast next time, OK?" He gently punched Marcus’s shoulder. "Attaboy!" he whispered.
Marcus nodded. "Um... yeah... thanks..." he said, and knelt down to help his sister, improvising with a couple of sparkly elastic headbands. "There," he said. "That should hold for now as long as you’re not too vigorous. We can find something more permanent later."
Andy finally turned his attention to Lavinia. "So you still want to be a cheerleader, huh? That’s the spirit. SPQR, eh?"
Lavinia held the right pom pom up in the air, keeping the left one pointing downwards.
Andy nodded encouragingly. "Go on then," he said.
Luke rolled his eyes. "Jeez..." he said, under his breath. "You guys are sick."
"Come on, sweetie," said Marcus. "You can do it! S.P.Q.R. Roma High You’re Going Far!" As he said it, he did a suspiciously good impression of one of Lavinia’s cheer routines.
Lavinia kicked the Boy Scout handbook towards her brothers.
"You don’t want the book anymore?" said Andy.
"Or maybe she wants us to read it," said Marcus. At this, Lavinia nodded vigorously.
Andy began leafing through it. "Knots?" he suggested. Lavinia shook her head. "First aid? Camping? Fishing?
Luke sighed. "Are you guys fucking retards or something? It’s semaphore. Page 73. She’s signaling the letter D or the number 4."
Andy turned to his youngest brother. "Watch your tongue, young man. The rape and dismemberment of your sister is no excuse for a foul mouth. I’ve warned you before. This time you’re grounded."
"Uh... guys," said Marcus, holding the book. "She’s just signaled ‘Danny and Keiran’. Do you think..."
Andy went pale. Then he went red. "I’ll kill them," he said. "No, killing’s too good for them..."
Chapter 7 - lend a hand
"Where’s Luke?" Coach Titus grabbed Aaron by his lapels and shook him.
"What?" said Aaron. "Let me go, Coach."
Danny snickered to Keiran: "he’s gone crazy, man!"
"I said, where’s Luke? I’m driving him home. He’s supposed to be here." Apart from the four of them, the parking lot was deserted.
Tamora walked up to the group. Today she looked almost Victorian, with a long, lacy black skirt, a high-necked blouse, also black, and her hair piled up on top of her head. "Did you say Luke?" she said.
Coach Titus let Aaron go. "What do you know about him?"
She smiled, and lit a cigarette. "What’s it worth?" she said, and blew smoke in his face.
Coach Titus coughed. "Smoking within school bounds is strictly forbidden," he said.
"So is physically attacking students," she said. "Which one do you think Principal Jupiter’s gonna come down hardest on?"
Keiran snorted.
Coach Titus spotted Marcus walking over to the Theater block. He waved to him, and he came over.
"Scared are you?" said Danny. "Need your faggy brother to hold your hand?"
"They’re all pole smokers," said Keiran. "The whole Tight Ass clan, even your dyke sister. But we showed her what a real man’s like..."
"And now we’re going to show little Luke the same," said Aaron, his voice ringing out, deeper, and more English than ever.
"I’m calling the police," said Coach Titus, getting out his cell phone.
"Go ahead," said Aaron. "We’ll no doubt be put away for a long time. It’ll be too late for Luke though."
"Where is he?" shouted Coach Titus. "Tell me where he is."
"I said, what’s it worth?" said Tamora.
"Yes," said Aaron, "make us an offer."
Coach Titus nodded and swallowed. "What do you want? Money?"
"Money’s good," said Danny.
Aaron and Tamora looked at one another. "Nothing so mercenary," said Aaron. "I just need one of you to lend us a hand with something..."
* * *
"No, let me do it!" said Marcus. "Honestly, I don’t mind. I can still sing and dance and act with one hand! Hell, it’ll even be an advantage for some roles."
"I commend your generosity," said Coach Titus, "but as head of the household, it’s my duty to do whatever’s necessary to keep you safe."
"But you’ll never play ball again!"
"And you’ll never shoot guns again! I know how much the shooting range means to you..."
"I can totally... um... shoot with one hand," said Marcus.
Keiran and Danny were almost pissing themselves with laughter.
"Well, hurry up and decide," said Aaron. "If you’re not quick, our friends will have finished with Luke before you’ve made up your mind."
"I guess we could take two," said Tamora.
Coach Titus sighed. "Fine," he said. "Go for it, Marcus. But go and get a towel and first aid kit first.
"Sure thing, Andy!" said Marcus, and ran back over to the theater block.
"Quick," said Coach Titus, "while he’s gone!"
Aaron laughed. "Cunning," he said, opening his car door. "Put it here, Coach. Keiran, Danny, hold him still."
Even above the slamming noise, the coach’s hand made a very satisfying squelchy, crunchy snap. Tamora applauded. Keiran and Danny let go of him, and he slumped to ground, staring at the mess at the end of his wrist.
"I had the car door modified," said Aaron. "You never know when you’ll need something of that nature."
Tamora hugged him. "I love you," she said.
Then Marcus returned. "I’ve got the... oh. Andy? Shit. OK, Andy, honey. I’m here. Take it easy. I’ve got you..."
"What’s happening?" In the chaos, no-one had noticed Luke arrive.
"Luke, darling," said Marcus, reaching out to him from the pavement, where he was cradling the stricken Andy in his lap. "Are you OK? Did they hurt you?"
"Did who hurt me? It was only a detention."
Marcus stared at him. "What?"
"So I got detention. Big deal. Some Goth kid said something about Lavinia, so I punched him, and I got detention. Um... what happened to Andy?"
"A detention," said Marcus, "with... like... teachers and shit?"
"Yeah."
"Not Goths?"
"No. Ms Minerva and Mr Neptune. But what happened to Andy’s hand?"
"April Fool!" said Tamora, and turned with an elegant swish of her long skirt. Danny and Keiran strutted away after her. Aaron got into his car and drove off.
"It’s September," said Luke quietly.
He took in the scene in front of him. He had learnt in Boy Scouts that severing someone’s hand does not lead to very much blood loss. He now discovered this was not in fact the case. "I’m sick of this crazy fucked up shit," he said, after some consideration.
"Language," said Andy, then fainted.
Marcus patted his shoulder abstractedly. "I know," he said to Luke.
"Why don’t we just get out of here?" said Luke. "Go stay with Grandpa Lear in Florida."
"And leave Roma High to the Goths?" said Marcus. "Never! Besides, last I heard Grandpa Lear had some crazy fucked up shit of his own going on."
"SPQR!" contributed Andy, faintly.
Marcus’s cell phone beeped. "Text from Lavinia," he said. "She says... hmm ‘azm bku,,lxa nce plxz’. Any idea?"
"Show me," said Luke. "‘Am... something... nice, please’?"
‘Lavinia’s texts’ had become something of a parlor game in the Titus household. Unfortunately, everyone except Andy was useless at it.
"Where is Lavinia?" said Marcus. "I thought Andy said she... shit! Lavinia - stop doing that!" She had developed a disconcerting habit of standing behind people very quietly and lurking until they noticed her. She ignored him and pointed urgently at the text.
"Let me see," said Andy, then threw up on Marcus’s arm and passed out again.
"Got it!" said Luke. "Ambulance please! She wants us to call 911."
Marcus had produced a red silk handkerchief from his breast pocket and was wiping his sleeve. "Oh yeah," he said. "Give me the phone."
"You are such a homo," said Luke.
"Hi," said Marcus. "Paramedics? Yeah. Roma High, again."
Chapter 8 - lamenting doings
Marcus brought the last bowl in and sat down.
Luke poked at his with his spoon. "Vegetable stew again?" he said.
"Thank you God for family," said Marcus. "Thanks for keeping us together and helping us all look out for one another. We pray for Lavinia, and Andy and anyone else who’s sick or in pain right now..."
"Unless they deserve it," said Andy. "We also pray for anyone who isn’t sick or in pain and should be."
"Um... yeah," said Marcus. "If it’s your will, Lord, we pray for that too. Luke?"
Luke shrugged. "I pray things get better," he said. "And we get to eat meat again."
Marcus spooned up some stew and offered it to Lavinia, who turned her head away.
"Attagirl!" said Andy. "Food is overrated, right?"
"Um... I don’t think that’s very helpful, Andy," said Marcus. "Come on Lavinia, remember what that lovely nurse at the hospital showed you."
"Hospital’s full of faggots and Goths," muttered Andy. "Not going back."
Marcus sighed, and made a mental note to check Principles of Wound Care out of the school library again.
He tapped Lavinia’s lips with the spoon. She opened her mouth a little way, and some went in, but most of it dribbled down her chin.
"Gross," said Luke.
Marcus banged the table.
"Stop that, both of you," said Andy.
"Sorry," said Marcus. "I was just swatting a fly."
Andy frowned. "Why?" he said.
"Uh... what?" said Marcus.
"You killed it," said Andy.
"Are you OK?"
"It came here to hum some pretty little tunes for us and you killed it," Andy was starting to go red.
"It was a fly, Andy," said Marcus, quietly. "Calm down. It’s OK."
"What if that fly has brothers and sisters?" said Andy. "How do you think they are feeling right now?"
"Oh for fuck’s sake," said Luke.
"It was just a fly, Andy. A big, black, ugly fly." He grinned. "Like Aaron," he said.
"Oh," said Andy, relaxing. "I see. Sorry - I didn’t realise. Here, let me swat it too." He leant over the table and brought his fist crashing down. A glass fell to the floor and broke.
"Great," said Marcus, his smile forced. "Can we get on with dinner now, or does someone else want a go? Luke? Lavinia?"
Andy was breathing deep and shallow, and staring at the little black blotch on the tablecloth. Then he picked up his bowl of stew and threw it in that direction. It shattered, spattering gravy, turnips and carrots over everyone.
Luke and Lavinia stared at him, mouths open. Marcus stood up. "Steady on," he said, coming round the table, but it was too late: cutlery, glasses, soup bowls, all of them started flying at the tiny black blotch.
Marcus grabbed his brother’s arm (the left one, the one with a hand at the end of it). "Cool it," he said, but Andy shook himself free and pulled the cloth off the table, bringing everything crashing to the floor with an almighty clatter. Then he jumped up and down on it, grinning with savage elation.
Luke and Lavinia backed away. Next, Andy picked up an enormous vase of flowers from the sideboard. But it was too heavy and too slippery to carry one-handed, and it fell before Andy had a chance to bring it to the table cloth. At that he crumpled onto the floor, curled up face down in the fetal position.
Marcus squatted next to him.
"I’m sorry," said Andy. "I didn’t mean to do that..."
"It’s OK," said Marcus. "Watch out for the glass though. Look, you’ve cut your hand. Luke - go get a dustpan and brush."
"I have not one tear left to shed," said Andy.
"Why don’t you curl up on the sofa?" said Marcus.
Andy picked up a shard of glass and stared at it.
"Whatever you’re planning to do with that," said Marcus, "I don’t think you should."
Andy dropped it, knelt up, and put his arms round Marcus, resting his head on his shoulder.
"That’s better," said Marcus, hugging him back, and trying not to think about the blood joining the stew spatters on his best shirt.
"If only getting Aaron and the others was that easy, right?" said Andy, starting to laugh.
"Right," said Marcus
"We will though, won’t we?" said Andy.
"Sure we will," said Marcus.
Chapter 9 - SPQR (reprise)
Principal Jupiter straightened his tie. "SPQR" he said to his reflection in the mirror. There was a knock on the door. "Come!" he said.
Tamora, Todd, Keiran, Danny and Aaron came in, and sat on the chairs in his office. Marcus, Luke and Lavinia followed shortly afterwards. There were no chairs left, so they stood awkwardly in the corner, as far away from the other four as they could get.
"Now," said Principal Jupiter, "you can probably guess why I’ve called you all in here."
No-one said anything.
"Cat got your tongues?" said Principal Jupiter.
There was an uncomfortable silence.
"Well," said Principal Jupiter, not noticing his faux pas, "word has reached my ear of a rivalry between certain... factions within the school. And that is something I just will not tolerate. It goes completely against the school spirit. SPQR!"
"SPQR!" Everyone except Lavinia repeated dutifully.
"As you know, Coach Andy is currently on extended sick leave, but he phoned me this morning to suggest a remedy. He invites all of you to a pizza party, next Saturday..."
Marcus and Luke looked at one another. That seemed kind of improbable, given Coach Andy’s state of mind, and feelings about Tamora and her associates.
"Well?" continued Principal Jupiter. "What do you say to his kind offer? (Just nod, Lavinia. Good girl.)"
* * *
Andy could not remember the last time he’d slept properly. Sometimes he closed his eyes, and sometimes he saw things that were not really there. Sometimes the two things happened together - he supposed that was probably sleep of a sort. The night before the pizza party, as he lay awake, he heard someone knocking on his bedroom window, and then a faint voice. "SPQR!"
"SPQR," he replied, and went to investigate. He opened the curtains and saw, standing on the kitchen roof, just outside his window, four familiar figures.
"Let us in," yelled one.
He fumbled with the lock, and clumsily pushed the window right open. At once, the fattest of the four stood forward, so it was less than a couple of yards away from him. "I am Payback Panda," she said, "sent from the infernal kingdom to ease the knawing of thy vulture mind by working wreakful vengeance on thy foes!"
She stepped back, and the shortest waddled forward: "I am Savage Salmon," it said. "I am here to help you take revenge on any inhuman savages you know, who might have... uh... you know. Dismembered anyone or anything like that. ‘Kay?" He stood there awkwardly until Payback Panda pulled him back.
"I am Quisling Quail," said the third figure, stepping into the front. "A Quisling is a traitor, according to Wikipedia..." (at that point the Payback Panda punched him in the wing) "...and I am here to help you seek out traitors to the school and to the human race who... uh... do any bad stuff." He stepped back.
The fourth stepped forward, the tallest, a rooster with feathers blacker than the night. "I am Rapey Rooster," it said, in a deep, rich, English accent. "Show me a villain that hath done a rape, And I am sent to be revenged on him."
Andy smiled. "You are welcome, all three of you," he said. "And boy do I have work for you. But I’m forgetting my manners. Come in, come in..." With an extravagant gesture he ushered them into his bedroom.
They looked at one another. "Sure!" said Savage Salmon. Then he turned back and whispered to the others. "Come on, you guys. He’s batshit crazy. What harm can it do? We can have some fun." Quisling Quail started climbing through the window.
"I have homework," said Payback Panda.
"What do you think?" whispered Rapey Rooster to her.
"Keiran’s right," she said. "He’s as harmless as he is armless. But maybe you’d better stay to keep them out of mischief."
"Sure," said Rapey Rooster. "Love you."
"Love you too."
He climbed through. In each corner of the room there was a person, and each of the people were pointing a gun at him, and only one of the guns was attached to a Heath Robinson-esque contraption of strings and pulleys, such as allowed it to be operated by a person with no hands.
"Fuck," he said.
Chapter 10 - deus ex machina
The school cafeteria was decorated with paper chains and a Christmas tree, grinning turkeys, dancing skeletons, pumpkins, four leafed clovers, graduation scrolls and a big sign saying "Happy Hanukkah!!!!"
The big oval table used for School Governers’ meetings had been moved into the middle. At the centre, there were two thrones from when the Theater department did Hamlet, and arranged around them were six chairs. Luke and Lavinia were sitting on two of these.
"Wow!" said Todd as he and Tamora arrived, "this is... quite something."
"Welcome!" said Coach Titus. "Do sit down." He gestured to the thrones.
"Uh... I got a text from Aaron this morning," said Tamora. "He, Keiran and Danny are going to be a bit late. He said to start without them."
"No problemo!" said Coach Titus, and strutted off to the kitchen.
The four around the table looked at one another awkwardly.
"So, how you doing, you guys?" said Todd at last.
"OK," said Luke. "Um... considering."
There was an uneasy silence.
"So, thinking about trying out for the team next year?" Todd tried.
"Don’t know," said Luke, and stared at his placemat. Sammy Salmon stared back at him reproachfully.
* * *
Coach Titus re-entered, carrying a metal tray containing an enormous pizza high above his head. "Ta-da!" he said. "This one’s fish". Slowly, carefully, he lowered it onto the table.
He went out and came straight back in again, carrying a second pizza. "And this one’s chicken," he said. Then he brought in another chicken one. He frowned. "No sign of Marcus yet?"
Luke shook his head. "He said he was going shooting first," he said.
Coach Titus tutted. "That boy," he said. "Obsessed with guns."
Luke and Lavinia exchanged a glance which meant "guns in the sense of dicks, yes."
"Well," said Coach Titus, "we might as well say start saying grace. We have a family tradition of all contributing part of the prayer. Who wants to go first?" He looked at Todd.
"Sure," said Todd. "Uh... thank you God for food and friendship, and for the school values: sporty, peppy, questioning and respectful. Amen."
Todd looked at Tamora, "oh... um... thank you God for peace and reconciliation. Amen."
"Thank you God for... all this I guess," said Luke. He felt his cheeks burning and - to his humiliation - a tear working its way out of the corner of his eye.
"Lavinia, you’re excused," said Coach Titus, then: "Thank you, Lord, for bringing us together in this way. In fact I have a feeling that this meal is going to bring some of us closer to each other than we’ve ever been before..."
He reached out for a slice of pizza. "Well, tuck in, guys!"
Luke took a slice from the quarter of the pizza that had been reserved for the Tituses, and then took another for Lavinia. He tried not to look at Tamora or Todd.
"Delicious!" said Todd. "What kind of fish is it? Tastes almost like pork."
"I was just going to say the same about the chicken," said Tamora. She looked very hard at Coach Andy. "I’m... not sure I like it," she added, not taking her eyes off his face.
"Oh come, come," he said. "Don’t be shy. We all know how much you like eating big, black cock."
She looked horrified for a moment then smiled uneasily. "This is a joke, right? Like when we said we’d kidnapped Luke but he was just in detention."
Coach Titus considered this. "In one respect it is quite like that, yes. If you really don’t fancy the pizza, perhaps you could choose from the finger buffet instead." He whipped out a Tupperware container from under his seat and took off the lid. "Black or white?"
As Tamora was throwing up, the cafeteria door slammed open.
"Marcus!" said Coach Titus. "You’re late."
Marcus giggled disconcertingly. "We’re all late," he said.
Todd, who had just peered into the Tupperware container, suddenly cottoned on. "Oh. My. God." he said. "You’re sick." And he launched himself at Coach Titus.
A bullet hit him in the chest while still in midair, then another, and he fell to the ground. Then Marcus walked over to him and shot him again, in the face.
"I’m sorry, Lavinia," he said. "I didn’t mean for you to have to see that." He pointed the gun at her. "I love you. I meant you to go first."
She was shaking her head, and crossing her arms across her face. She screamed: a terrible, inhuman sound, the first she’d uttered since losing her tongue. The sound of the gun cut the sound off in an instant. Bang. Bang. Luke fell dead at the same time.
Tamora bolted towards the door, and Marcus shot her in the back three times.
"What’s all this..." Principal Jupiter strode in. His jaw metaphorically dropped to the ground when he saw the carnage in front of him.
Bang. His jaw literally shattered into a spray of blood, bone and teeth.
Andy started to laugh. Marcus grinned at him. "I’ve got more guns and ammo," he said. "How about it?"
"I always knew you were a real man," said Andy.
"How about it, Andy? Let’s see how many more we can take down."
Andy nodded. "SPQR," he whispered.
"SPQR, bro."
Epilogue
It was several weeks before anyone worked out that the Titus house had a cellar. Interestingly, the autopsies showed that two of the handless, footless, tongueless, eyeless, lipless, noseless, earless, castrated corpses had died shortly after their other injuries had been inflicted, the immediate cause of death being a series of bites to the neck.
The pattern of teeth matched that of the third handless, footless, tongueless, eyeless, lipless, noseless, earless, castrated etc. corpse, which was still warm.
Aaron consequently received write-ups in several respected medical journals, as well as two popular films, a series of comic books and a musical.