FAIRIES
Title: FAIRIES
Author: dontcrosscross
Play/Poem: A Midsummer Night's Dream
Recipient: gehayi
Rating: PG.
Summary: Helena receives some rather bad news and
Warnings: Cursing, failure to use inside voices.
Author's Note: Hello, recipient! I hope this doesn't fall too far short of what you were hoping for. Either way, I quite enjoyed writing it! To the general public: If you have seen Slings & Arrows, imagine (if you will) that Ellen is playing Titania. It's very enjoyable that way.
SCENE I
TITANIA, Queen of the Fairies, is not prepared to deal with this kind of bullshit.
TITANIA: Tell me this.
She beckons a NYMPH to come and rub her shoulders.
TITANIA: What did he call himself?
HELENA wipes a hand across her eyes.
HELENA: He said he was - um - my good - a good friend. No, a good fellow. He said he was a good fellow.
TITANIA: Shit. Okay. That guy’s name is Robin Goodfellow. He goes by Puck. He’s one of Oberon’s men.
HELENA: Oberon - ?
TITANIA: The king. Our king.
HELENA: Oh - okay -
She sniffs and rubs her eyes again.
HELENA: Can’t you him bring him here? I mean, he must know how to - to break the spell or the - the -
She starts crying again, and is unable to finish her sentence.
TITANIA: Well, unfortunately - for both of us, trust me - Oberon and his fairies are taking a stag year.
HELENA stops wailing to look at the Queen in confusion
TITANIA: They’re having ‘manly time’. That makes sense to you humans, right?
HELENA nods slowly.
HELENA: When will this - this stag thing - when will it be over?
TITANIA: If you’re lucky, maybe eight months.
This isn’t dignified with a response from HELENA. TITANIA sighs and motions for a FAIRY to give the girl some dry moss to dab her eyes with, while she waits for the sobbing to stop.
TITANIA: Listen. Next time you’re with your guy, look into his eyes. If he’s enchanted, the irises will have a little ring of maroon around them. Dark red. Got that?
HELENA nods.
HELENA: Dark red.
TITANIA: Okay, well, I’ll have someone get to you later on that. How did Puck get you here?
HELENA: He did a sort of, um - snappy thing.
TITANIA: Excellent. You’ll be home in about two weeks.
HELENA: Two weeks?
TITANIA: Don’t worry, it’ll feel like a second.
HELENA continues to gape in red-eyed outrage.
TITANIA: Hey, kid, I never said I was your fairy godmother.
She chuckles at the joke as she snaps her fingers. HELENA disappears.
SCENE II
TITANIA: I take it you saw the ring.
HELENA continues sobbing. TITANIA takes this as an affirmation.
TITANIA: What’s your name, by the way?
HELENA still does not answer.
TITANIA: Oh, for heaven’s sake.
TITANIA points at a fairy, who claps twice. HELENA finds herself unable to cry. She dry-sobs for a few more seconds then gives up the effort.
TITANIA: Name.
HELENA: Helena.
TITANIA: (aside) Well, Helen - I can’t say you don’t deserve the name - you are quite beautiful - your husband’s a fool - I don’t know if I wouldn’t -
HELENA: What?
TITANIA: Nothing.
She fans herself with one hand, then continues.
TITANIA: As it is, you have two options: either you can go home and pretend that nothing’s happened, or you can take this nectar. When he’s sleeping, put a few drops in his eyes, and the enchantment will be lifted.
She holds up a small bottle of bluish liquid.
TITANIA: You can have time to choose, but bear in mind that if you go home while deciding, you’re essentially taking the first option… for the moment, at least.
HELENA stares at her, blank-eyed.
TITANIA: What? Do you need me to say that again?
HELENA shakes her head, as if trying to free water from her ears.
HELENA: No, I heard you. What will happen if I lift the enchantment?
TITANIA: He’ll feel the same way about you as he did the night he was enchanted. How did he feel then?
HELENA: It’s all sort of a blur, really… I think… I think he hated me. He hated me and he loved my friend.
TITANIA: Sorry about that, sweetie. Did your friend love him back?
HELENA: No, she had a lover, and they ran away… I thought you knew what happened?
TITANIA: I forget the particulars. Your names all sound the same.
HELENA: Oh.
TITANIA: Well, could you handle his hating you again?
HELENA does not speak for a few moments.
HELENA: It wouldn’t be the first time he’s gone from love to hate. I’m used to it.
She looks as if she is going to start crying again.
TITANIA: Do you want the elixir?
HELENA: I’d like some time to think about it, please.
TITANIA: So be it.
She snaps her fingers.
SCENE III
Two FAIRIES struggle under the weight of an enormous clock face as TITANIA avidly watches the ticking minutes.
TITANIA: And… time. PUCK!
At the roar of his name, a third FAIRY appears. He is slightly more substantial than the others.
PUCK: My Queen.
He makes an exaggerated, showy bow.
TITANIA: Stag year’s up, Goodfellow. Why are you interfering in the life of this -
She snaps her fingers and a bewildered HELENA appears.
TITANIA: - human girl?
PUCK: I was following a precedent set by Oberon himself! You would not remember the original events, of course, you were… not yourself!
He smirks.
TITANIA: I heard what happened. They were in our forest! This girl was minding her own business, in Athens. You had neither right nor precedent to inform her of her husband’s condition.
PUCK: You know, I don’t remember you making such a hullabaloo the last time I interfered with human business. Isn’t that right, Titania?
He snaps his fingers and disappears.
TITANIA: He is just - uch. Impossible to deal with.
HELENA: Can I ask… what he meant? About “the last time”?
TITANIA: I used to be human, you know.
HELENA: Oh. What happened?
TITANIA: A fairy seduced me. That fairy, actually. And if you spend too much time around fairies, you become one, eventually. And then you become royalty.
HELENA: What?
TITANIA: Human changelings are the only fairies able to rule. Because of our attitude, so I’m told - humans like to pride themselves on their spirit, their sense of adventure. But we don’t have a lot of real magic. There are only a few who do - Puck being one of them. So they rely on us to keep them in check, and we rely on them when we need to get things done. It’s a nice system.
HELENA thinks about this.
HELENA: Can I go home now?
TITANIA: Have you thought any more about -
HELENA: I still haven’t decided.
TITANIA: Fine.
She snaps her fingers.
SCENE IV
HELENA appears in the forest.
HELENA: I’ve made my choice.
TITANIA: Have you.
HELENA: Yes. I’d like the nectar, please.
TITANIA: Is that so.
HELENA looks around, not sure what the punchline is.
HELENA: Yes?
TITANIA: Well, perhaps you could make it yourself. I can give you the recipe.
HELENA: I thought you had to be magic? A fairy, or - ?
TITANIA: That’s true.
HELENA: Well then, I can’t make it.
TITANIA: How did you get here?
HELENA: I just did a sort of snappy thing and -
She realizes the implications of this.
HELENA: No. No!
TITANIA: Sorry, sweetie.
HELENA: That isn’t even possible!
TITANIA: I’m afraid it is. I told you what happened to me.
HELENA: What’s going to happen to me?
TITANIA: You’ll become Queen, eventually.
HELENA: For how long?
TITANIA: Forever. Until you die.
HELENA: No! You, you FAIRIES! Don’t you have anything better to do than mess with people’s lives? Demetrius hated me, but at least he hated ME. He doesn’t have a choice anymore! And you got Lysander, and Hermia involved in all of this too, and my tailor said you turned his friend into a donkey! And now this, what, I’m going to spend the rest of my life fluttering around the forest? Will I get to see my friends again? My family? My husband?
TITANIA: You said he -
HELENA: Does it matter what I say? Everything I said to you, every word, every letter was one more second ticking down! Why didn’t you tell me it would be this quick?
TITANIA: I didn’t know -
HELENA: Oh, thank you, my Queen, you didn’t know. I’ve been living with this for a year now, and you decide to spring - what? - on me? Queen of the Fairies? I don’t want to be Queen, I want to go home, to my husband, I want to have babies, and I want to die at the ripe old age of 40! You know what, if you want me, come and get me. Because you’re not having me now. I choose life. I don’t choose you, or your elixir, or your meddling, I choose love, because I want it, not because of a flower, and if you’d like me to come and rule your kingdom then you’re going to have to deal with that!
She snaps her fingers.
Author: dontcrosscross
Play/Poem: A Midsummer Night's Dream
Recipient: gehayi
Rating: PG.
Summary: Helena receives some rather bad news and
Warnings: Cursing, failure to use inside voices.
Author's Note: Hello, recipient! I hope this doesn't fall too far short of what you were hoping for. Either way, I quite enjoyed writing it! To the general public: If you have seen Slings & Arrows, imagine (if you will) that Ellen is playing Titania. It's very enjoyable that way.
SCENE I
TITANIA, Queen of the Fairies, is not prepared to deal with this kind of bullshit.
TITANIA: Tell me this.
She beckons a NYMPH to come and rub her shoulders.
TITANIA: What did he call himself?
HELENA wipes a hand across her eyes.
HELENA: He said he was - um - my good - a good friend. No, a good fellow. He said he was a good fellow.
TITANIA: Shit. Okay. That guy’s name is Robin Goodfellow. He goes by Puck. He’s one of Oberon’s men.
HELENA: Oberon - ?
TITANIA: The king. Our king.
HELENA: Oh - okay -
She sniffs and rubs her eyes again.
HELENA: Can’t you him bring him here? I mean, he must know how to - to break the spell or the - the -
She starts crying again, and is unable to finish her sentence.
TITANIA: Well, unfortunately - for both of us, trust me - Oberon and his fairies are taking a stag year.
HELENA stops wailing to look at the Queen in confusion
TITANIA: They’re having ‘manly time’. That makes sense to you humans, right?
HELENA nods slowly.
HELENA: When will this - this stag thing - when will it be over?
TITANIA: If you’re lucky, maybe eight months.
This isn’t dignified with a response from HELENA. TITANIA sighs and motions for a FAIRY to give the girl some dry moss to dab her eyes with, while she waits for the sobbing to stop.
TITANIA: Listen. Next time you’re with your guy, look into his eyes. If he’s enchanted, the irises will have a little ring of maroon around them. Dark red. Got that?
HELENA nods.
HELENA: Dark red.
TITANIA: Okay, well, I’ll have someone get to you later on that. How did Puck get you here?
HELENA: He did a sort of, um - snappy thing.
TITANIA: Excellent. You’ll be home in about two weeks.
HELENA: Two weeks?
TITANIA: Don’t worry, it’ll feel like a second.
HELENA continues to gape in red-eyed outrage.
TITANIA: Hey, kid, I never said I was your fairy godmother.
She chuckles at the joke as she snaps her fingers. HELENA disappears.
SCENE II
TITANIA: I take it you saw the ring.
HELENA continues sobbing. TITANIA takes this as an affirmation.
TITANIA: What’s your name, by the way?
HELENA still does not answer.
TITANIA: Oh, for heaven’s sake.
TITANIA points at a fairy, who claps twice. HELENA finds herself unable to cry. She dry-sobs for a few more seconds then gives up the effort.
TITANIA: Name.
HELENA: Helena.
TITANIA: (aside) Well, Helen - I can’t say you don’t deserve the name - you are quite beautiful - your husband’s a fool - I don’t know if I wouldn’t -
HELENA: What?
TITANIA: Nothing.
She fans herself with one hand, then continues.
TITANIA: As it is, you have two options: either you can go home and pretend that nothing’s happened, or you can take this nectar. When he’s sleeping, put a few drops in his eyes, and the enchantment will be lifted.
She holds up a small bottle of bluish liquid.
TITANIA: You can have time to choose, but bear in mind that if you go home while deciding, you’re essentially taking the first option… for the moment, at least.
HELENA stares at her, blank-eyed.
TITANIA: What? Do you need me to say that again?
HELENA shakes her head, as if trying to free water from her ears.
HELENA: No, I heard you. What will happen if I lift the enchantment?
TITANIA: He’ll feel the same way about you as he did the night he was enchanted. How did he feel then?
HELENA: It’s all sort of a blur, really… I think… I think he hated me. He hated me and he loved my friend.
TITANIA: Sorry about that, sweetie. Did your friend love him back?
HELENA: No, she had a lover, and they ran away… I thought you knew what happened?
TITANIA: I forget the particulars. Your names all sound the same.
HELENA: Oh.
TITANIA: Well, could you handle his hating you again?
HELENA does not speak for a few moments.
HELENA: It wouldn’t be the first time he’s gone from love to hate. I’m used to it.
She looks as if she is going to start crying again.
TITANIA: Do you want the elixir?
HELENA: I’d like some time to think about it, please.
TITANIA: So be it.
She snaps her fingers.
SCENE III
Two FAIRIES struggle under the weight of an enormous clock face as TITANIA avidly watches the ticking minutes.
TITANIA: And… time. PUCK!
At the roar of his name, a third FAIRY appears. He is slightly more substantial than the others.
PUCK: My Queen.
He makes an exaggerated, showy bow.
TITANIA: Stag year’s up, Goodfellow. Why are you interfering in the life of this -
She snaps her fingers and a bewildered HELENA appears.
TITANIA: - human girl?
PUCK: I was following a precedent set by Oberon himself! You would not remember the original events, of course, you were… not yourself!
He smirks.
TITANIA: I heard what happened. They were in our forest! This girl was minding her own business, in Athens. You had neither right nor precedent to inform her of her husband’s condition.
PUCK: You know, I don’t remember you making such a hullabaloo the last time I interfered with human business. Isn’t that right, Titania?
He snaps his fingers and disappears.
TITANIA: He is just - uch. Impossible to deal with.
HELENA: Can I ask… what he meant? About “the last time”?
TITANIA: I used to be human, you know.
HELENA: Oh. What happened?
TITANIA: A fairy seduced me. That fairy, actually. And if you spend too much time around fairies, you become one, eventually. And then you become royalty.
HELENA: What?
TITANIA: Human changelings are the only fairies able to rule. Because of our attitude, so I’m told - humans like to pride themselves on their spirit, their sense of adventure. But we don’t have a lot of real magic. There are only a few who do - Puck being one of them. So they rely on us to keep them in check, and we rely on them when we need to get things done. It’s a nice system.
HELENA thinks about this.
HELENA: Can I go home now?
TITANIA: Have you thought any more about -
HELENA: I still haven’t decided.
TITANIA: Fine.
She snaps her fingers.
SCENE IV
HELENA appears in the forest.
HELENA: I’ve made my choice.
TITANIA: Have you.
HELENA: Yes. I’d like the nectar, please.
TITANIA: Is that so.
HELENA looks around, not sure what the punchline is.
HELENA: Yes?
TITANIA: Well, perhaps you could make it yourself. I can give you the recipe.
HELENA: I thought you had to be magic? A fairy, or - ?
TITANIA: That’s true.
HELENA: Well then, I can’t make it.
TITANIA: How did you get here?
HELENA: I just did a sort of snappy thing and -
She realizes the implications of this.
HELENA: No. No!
TITANIA: Sorry, sweetie.
HELENA: That isn’t even possible!
TITANIA: I’m afraid it is. I told you what happened to me.
HELENA: What’s going to happen to me?
TITANIA: You’ll become Queen, eventually.
HELENA: For how long?
TITANIA: Forever. Until you die.
HELENA: No! You, you FAIRIES! Don’t you have anything better to do than mess with people’s lives? Demetrius hated me, but at least he hated ME. He doesn’t have a choice anymore! And you got Lysander, and Hermia involved in all of this too, and my tailor said you turned his friend into a donkey! And now this, what, I’m going to spend the rest of my life fluttering around the forest? Will I get to see my friends again? My family? My husband?
TITANIA: You said he -
HELENA: Does it matter what I say? Everything I said to you, every word, every letter was one more second ticking down! Why didn’t you tell me it would be this quick?
TITANIA: I didn’t know -
HELENA: Oh, thank you, my Queen, you didn’t know. I’ve been living with this for a year now, and you decide to spring - what? - on me? Queen of the Fairies? I don’t want to be Queen, I want to go home, to my husband, I want to have babies, and I want to die at the ripe old age of 40! You know what, if you want me, come and get me. Because you’re not having me now. I choose life. I don’t choose you, or your elixir, or your meddling, I choose love, because I want it, not because of a flower, and if you’d like me to come and rule your kingdom then you’re going to have to deal with that!
She snaps her fingers.