The Long-Ass Holiday Review: Episode VI
Permit me to add to the anti-climax of the holidays: After writing about it for a month, I didn't participate in Halloween at all. I considered putting a "WARNING: RAZORS IN CANDY" sign on my door, but as it turned out, no extra dissuasion was needed to keep wary parents out of the dark alley where I live. There was no costume, no candy and no party for me on Halloween. I admit this with a sense of relief, because -- while I stand behind all of my Halloween articles except for the last one -- I feel dishonest making such a verbal fuss over a holiday that I, myself, barely celebrate. This final Halloween entry is an occasion for a little honesty. All dry musings aside, this is the story of how I and the atypical people that I know actually celebrated Halloween.
Me
It wouldn't be fair to say that I did nothing for Halloween. I bought the shirt at left in sort of a Halloween spirit, although I didn't wear it as a costume. I wrote a LiveJournal piece unrelated to the holidays, but I had the time only because of the holiday. For the most part, though, it was a night just like any other, except for my wife's absence; more on that later.
I can see the reader shaking his head at me as though I'd just blasphemed the Great Pumpkin. Look, it's not my fault! Like many people of my age, I got my fill of Halloween through school, work and family obligations long before the night itself finally rolled around. Aside from what I've done for these articles, I've painted pumpkins, gone costume shopping and served pumpkin cookies this year, all semi-voluntarily. At the bakery where I work, I even participated in an afternoon trick-or-treat, where I had to tolerate up to 10 children at once -- and isn't tolerating children what the holidays are all about?
Yes, for too long we service-industry-types have been looked down upon as scrooges during the holidays despite our primary role in making them happen. Let's cut through the bullshit wonder and goodwill; the holidays happen mostly because of work obligations and family obligations. I, the guy pulling pumpkin spice lattes and serving Cheesy Ghosts, am as much an agent of the culture as the father who grudgingly buys a bowl of candy for the neighborhood kids. So I take it back. I did celebrate Halloween, probably more than you did. Where's your holiday spirit, you loser?
Sheila and the In-Laws
No convoluted logic is necessary to make Sheila's Halloween seem complete. Convoluted logic was necessary to make it possible, though. As a 22-year-old married woman, Sheila isn't quite the type of youngster that people expect to come knocking on October 31st. This year, Sheila tried to slip in under the radar by going to Oregon to celebrate the holiday with her family. She tagged along with her younger siblings on Halloween night and chose a costume that would mask her age. She opted for the Scream guy, on the theory that the robe and full-face mask would make her indistinguishable from a child. Here she is:
You may have noticed a couple of flaws in her clever plan. Nonetheless, with the help of her siblings, Sheila was able to score a fair-sized bucket of candy. She didn't even get paint-balled this year, so maybe the costume did help. Sheila looked great as a pirate last year, but she also made a tempting target. Not to defend her assailants, but if I'm scanning the streets for paintball victims, I'm going to choose the girl with the striped leggings and the jangling coin belt every time.
Speaking of the Sheila's siblings, here they are. On the right is Jareth, my 5-year-old brother-in-law, dressed as Spider-Man. Jareth was the only person I encountered this Halloween who seemed sincerely enthusiastic about the day itself. He even tried to trick-or-treat me over the phone. A sobering thought: Given the technology that he's grown up with, it's perfectly reasonable for a five-year-old to expect that candy can be sent instantly from one state to another. Jareth's Spider-Man costume is complete with fake muscles, which seemed to surge in popularity this year. Personally, I think it's nice for there to be a superhero who doesn't have tremendous biceps, and Spider-Man used to fill that niche, but I can also remember being a kid. I would have gone for the suit with the muscles, too.
On the left is Sabrina, my 8-year-old sister-in-law. She's tall for an 8-year-old, and this put her in a weird place for Halloween costumes, because the ones that fit her were intended for slightly older girls; you know, 10-12 year-olds, who are nowadays expected to be sexually mature and ready to tart it up for candy. It was so difficult for my mother-in-law to find Sabrina a costume that she had to enlist Sheila and I to find her something. I was shocked at how difficult it was, not only because of the inappropriateness of many of the costumes, but because the less edgy costumes were so stodgy as to be kid-repellent. The costumes that seemed appropriate for Sabrina's age were mostly things she would have hated: long-haired hippie, for example. I sympathized with little girls going costume shopping this year. It's not their fault that all of the cool costumes are too revealing. Sheila and I finally settled on Almost But Not Quite Strawberry Shortcake, which I'm told went over well.
Sheila's whole family went out together, hit the rich neighborhoods, and scored quite a bit of candy. Meanwhile, back in my family:
My Family
My mom and my sister uncelebrated Halloween this year. Fearing unwanted visitors, they turned off all of their lights and hunkered down to watch Ghost Hunters. (They'd just gotten cable tv again after a long hiatus, so you can hardly blame them for eschewing human contact. They had a lot of catching up to do.) The two intended to buy candy just in case, but they forgot, so they waited for the day after Halloween and bought a bag to eat by themselves. Okay, maybe that's not in the spirit of the holiday, but just to play devil's advocate: Isn't that exactly what a child would do on Halloween, given the opportunity? And isn't sweets-grubbing the very behavior that we encourage to get kids pumped for the holiday? It's no surprise, then, when consumers catch the fever and start gulping down fun-sized treats with no tricking or treating involved. I blame society.
The reason that my family didn't want any little visitors on Halloween, incidentally, is because of the three howling terrors pictured above (Wilbur, Lafonda and Matilda, from left to right). My family's dogs -- like my family -- don't do well with strangers. All three of them dive at the picture window and bark whenever someone arrives at the doorstep, which would have made a busy Halloween night very noisy and potentially frightening for little kids.
In summary, this Halloween my family turned off all the lights, didn't buy any candy, didn't dress up and went out of their way not to scare anyone. Is it any wonder I turned out as a bit of a holiday homebody?
So much for Halloween. Next stop, Turkey Town.
Me
It wouldn't be fair to say that I did nothing for Halloween. I bought the shirt at left in sort of a Halloween spirit, although I didn't wear it as a costume. I wrote a LiveJournal piece unrelated to the holidays, but I had the time only because of the holiday. For the most part, though, it was a night just like any other, except for my wife's absence; more on that later.
I can see the reader shaking his head at me as though I'd just blasphemed the Great Pumpkin. Look, it's not my fault! Like many people of my age, I got my fill of Halloween through school, work and family obligations long before the night itself finally rolled around. Aside from what I've done for these articles, I've painted pumpkins, gone costume shopping and served pumpkin cookies this year, all semi-voluntarily. At the bakery where I work, I even participated in an afternoon trick-or-treat, where I had to tolerate up to 10 children at once -- and isn't tolerating children what the holidays are all about?
Yes, for too long we service-industry-types have been looked down upon as scrooges during the holidays despite our primary role in making them happen. Let's cut through the bullshit wonder and goodwill; the holidays happen mostly because of work obligations and family obligations. I, the guy pulling pumpkin spice lattes and serving Cheesy Ghosts, am as much an agent of the culture as the father who grudgingly buys a bowl of candy for the neighborhood kids. So I take it back. I did celebrate Halloween, probably more than you did. Where's your holiday spirit, you loser?
Sheila and the In-Laws
No convoluted logic is necessary to make Sheila's Halloween seem complete. Convoluted logic was necessary to make it possible, though. As a 22-year-old married woman, Sheila isn't quite the type of youngster that people expect to come knocking on October 31st. This year, Sheila tried to slip in under the radar by going to Oregon to celebrate the holiday with her family. She tagged along with her younger siblings on Halloween night and chose a costume that would mask her age. She opted for the Scream guy, on the theory that the robe and full-face mask would make her indistinguishable from a child. Here she is:
You may have noticed a couple of flaws in her clever plan. Nonetheless, with the help of her siblings, Sheila was able to score a fair-sized bucket of candy. She didn't even get paint-balled this year, so maybe the costume did help. Sheila looked great as a pirate last year, but she also made a tempting target. Not to defend her assailants, but if I'm scanning the streets for paintball victims, I'm going to choose the girl with the striped leggings and the jangling coin belt every time.
Speaking of the Sheila's siblings, here they are. On the right is Jareth, my 5-year-old brother-in-law, dressed as Spider-Man. Jareth was the only person I encountered this Halloween who seemed sincerely enthusiastic about the day itself. He even tried to trick-or-treat me over the phone. A sobering thought: Given the technology that he's grown up with, it's perfectly reasonable for a five-year-old to expect that candy can be sent instantly from one state to another. Jareth's Spider-Man costume is complete with fake muscles, which seemed to surge in popularity this year. Personally, I think it's nice for there to be a superhero who doesn't have tremendous biceps, and Spider-Man used to fill that niche, but I can also remember being a kid. I would have gone for the suit with the muscles, too.
On the left is Sabrina, my 8-year-old sister-in-law. She's tall for an 8-year-old, and this put her in a weird place for Halloween costumes, because the ones that fit her were intended for slightly older girls; you know, 10-12 year-olds, who are nowadays expected to be sexually mature and ready to tart it up for candy. It was so difficult for my mother-in-law to find Sabrina a costume that she had to enlist Sheila and I to find her something. I was shocked at how difficult it was, not only because of the inappropriateness of many of the costumes, but because the less edgy costumes were so stodgy as to be kid-repellent. The costumes that seemed appropriate for Sabrina's age were mostly things she would have hated: long-haired hippie, for example. I sympathized with little girls going costume shopping this year. It's not their fault that all of the cool costumes are too revealing. Sheila and I finally settled on Almost But Not Quite Strawberry Shortcake, which I'm told went over well.
Sheila's whole family went out together, hit the rich neighborhoods, and scored quite a bit of candy. Meanwhile, back in my family:
My Family
My mom and my sister uncelebrated Halloween this year. Fearing unwanted visitors, they turned off all of their lights and hunkered down to watch Ghost Hunters. (They'd just gotten cable tv again after a long hiatus, so you can hardly blame them for eschewing human contact. They had a lot of catching up to do.) The two intended to buy candy just in case, but they forgot, so they waited for the day after Halloween and bought a bag to eat by themselves. Okay, maybe that's not in the spirit of the holiday, but just to play devil's advocate: Isn't that exactly what a child would do on Halloween, given the opportunity? And isn't sweets-grubbing the very behavior that we encourage to get kids pumped for the holiday? It's no surprise, then, when consumers catch the fever and start gulping down fun-sized treats with no tricking or treating involved. I blame society.
The reason that my family didn't want any little visitors on Halloween, incidentally, is because of the three howling terrors pictured above (Wilbur, Lafonda and Matilda, from left to right). My family's dogs -- like my family -- don't do well with strangers. All three of them dive at the picture window and bark whenever someone arrives at the doorstep, which would have made a busy Halloween night very noisy and potentially frightening for little kids.
In summary, this Halloween my family turned off all the lights, didn't buy any candy, didn't dress up and went out of their way not to scare anyone. Is it any wonder I turned out as a bit of a holiday homebody?
So much for Halloween. Next stop, Turkey Town.