Concealed Constillations
It is as if I am void of confessing thoughts or observances these days. Maybe I am paying attention less. Maybe I am consumed with the shallow. Maybe it's writers block but I am going to force myself to keep on. I saw a fox last night, walking back in the darkness. It ran out from beneath a tree and it stood in the parking lot for some moments staring as if it were fearless but not quite tamed. One of its domestic counterparts an old speckled dog came up to me in the English office today. I'm always happy to make friends with animals. After sniffing you they can instantly sense if you are good or not. I wish humans had the sort of trustworthy detection.
These days I am trying to let go. I will not be morally superior or martyrly. I will try not to over think and analyze every little action. I will try to give into who I naturally am. I will work my hardest so at least I deserve and earn the good things in my life even if oftentimes it does boil down to luck. National novel writing month is soon! I am cold at night now and sometimes wish I had someone to curl up next to. What I wonder about most is why people have the need to hide things from each other; why we are always forming secrets---so deceptive. Sure mystery is attractive but when did everyone I love and myself become these completely mindfucked neurotic indecisive creatures. It is so self destructive.
I miss the people I worked with. Debbie with her home remedies, blond hair, motherly and Alan who came in at three every morning, swore profusely in French and made the best damn fruit tortlettts this side of Paris. I miss Ana and her always giggling and saying my name, her husband always calling on the phone. I suppose you find a niche in palaces sometimes, you start to feel at home there. Fortunately for me if I get into nursing school I may get to do my medical/surgical rotation at the hospital in my home town. I spent five years working/volunteering there and spent lifetimes with family there so it feels like another home.
I've had a rough two days but hell who cares. So goodnight.
Much Love,
Mara
These days I am trying to let go. I will not be morally superior or martyrly. I will try not to over think and analyze every little action. I will try to give into who I naturally am. I will work my hardest so at least I deserve and earn the good things in my life even if oftentimes it does boil down to luck. National novel writing month is soon! I am cold at night now and sometimes wish I had someone to curl up next to. What I wonder about most is why people have the need to hide things from each other; why we are always forming secrets---so deceptive. Sure mystery is attractive but when did everyone I love and myself become these completely mindfucked neurotic indecisive creatures. It is so self destructive.
I miss the people I worked with. Debbie with her home remedies, blond hair, motherly and Alan who came in at three every morning, swore profusely in French and made the best damn fruit tortlettts this side of Paris. I miss Ana and her always giggling and saying my name, her husband always calling on the phone. I suppose you find a niche in palaces sometimes, you start to feel at home there. Fortunately for me if I get into nursing school I may get to do my medical/surgical rotation at the hospital in my home town. I spent five years working/volunteering there and spent lifetimes with family there so it feels like another home.
I've had a rough two days but hell who cares. So goodnight.
Much Love,
Mara