(no subject)
I should be packing. Instead, I am procrastinating. No surprise there.
I helped my friend Kelsey move a few of her things over to her new place last night, and then she and I, along with our friend Miranda, watched 'She's Just Not That Into You' while curled up on her living room floor. The place is actually really nice and SO MUCH BIGGER compared to her last house, though she'll soon have some neighbors above her, but that shouldn't be too much of a problem. THe apartment is adorably crooked in a lot of places (they actually cut the top of the bathroom door down on an angle because the frame was horizontally uneven at the top) so I made a little crack about "going down the rabbit hole" as I stepped in, but really, it's very endearing. I happen to like things with characteristic flaws, so I gave my hearty approval to Kelsey. She and I took some time planning out color schemes for paint, curtains, etc., while trying to figure out how her furniture's going to go. The place is laid out quite awkwardly and it seems every wall has some sort of obstacle preventing furniture from being placed against it, so we had to do some creative planning. Unfortunately, she doesn't have all of her mismatched furniture collection so she can't really put things into perspective, though she has taken some measurements. Miranda, within a few days, will be moving in with Kelsey and her boyfriend Matt, so they should have quite a nice set-up. There were only a couple of real flaws to the house: there isn't a cable hook-up in the living room, there's still quite a few knick-knacks from the previous tenants that are rather trashy and horribly dirty, the curtains are homemade out of baby blankets, and the basement truly and honestly is out of some horror movie and is pretty useless in terms of space or even storage, so Matt will probably turn it into what I called "the Man Den." I'm really excited (and I admit, a little jealous) to see how this house turns out - I know Kelsey is going to make it look gorgeous and it will be such an upgrade from the closet Matt and Kelsey were trying to live in. So, congratulations, my dear friends!
I'm glad I got to see Kelsey again... we've seen each other a few times in the past year, but her and I are so busy with work and (only in her case, now) school that we don't often get the chance to hang out. But with all the space she has in her new home, we can actually spend time together inside the house, rather than trying to plan something to do in public. Plus, it's so refreshing to be with a friend that actually wants you there as a first choice, rather than a last resort, and is going somewhere in her life and with her goals. Most of my friends either have life plans but don't give a shit about me or they have nothing going on in their lives and love to hang out with me. I just want friends with whom I can discuss work, goals, hopes, frustrations, etc. while still enjoying their company just as a friend and confidant. I'm really sick of trying to make plans with some of my friends, being blown off for one reason or another, and then finding out that they had plenty of time to spend with other mutual friends. I guess, ultimately, I want to be someone with whom THEY want to spend time, but honestly, I really just want friends that don't suck.
So, I've been working on all sorts of things and picking up shifts at both jobs and generally being busy, but I find that when I'm not required to be busy, I'm exceptionally lazy. Yes, everyone does need some time to laze about, but on days I don't have to get up for work, I don't wake up until 1 or 2 pm, and then head to bed around midnight so I can get up for work the next day. I spend most of my waking hours listening to music or watching TV (not even reading!) instead of cleaning, packing, tying up financial or social ends, etc. I've got letters to write! A room to clean! Boxes to fill! People to call! Instead, I veg out in an oversized chair watching crappy indie movies (though I occasionally find a theatrical gem) and contemplating what I should eat.
That's another thing: I only contemplate what I should eat. I don't actually eat much. Plus side? I've lost 10 pounds. But generally, not-eating is not a good way to lose weight and I know that once I start eating regularly again, that weight will all just pile back on. I have been biking a few times in the past couple of weeks, but that's probably even doing more harm than good when I'm doing it on a severely empty stomach. But I just don't feel like eating. Unless I start getting that uncomfortable sinking feeling in my abdomen, I don't feel the need to consume anything.
I have this niggling feeling that somehow, I'm just off, y'know? Something's just not quite meshing right now, but I can't figure out what it is. I'm zoning out a lot more often than is typical and I just have no motivation when it's not asked of me. At work, I get far more done than expected of me, and I really enjoy being at work and keeping busy, but at home? Absolutely nothing. I feel such satisfaction at work for getting things done quickly and efficiently as I begin to start another task that was left over from an earlier shift or was supposed to be done during my shift the next day... I love just getting right down to it and getting shit done. I have so much shit to get done at home, too, but those tasks don't hold nearly as much prospective pleasure at their completion. I don't get excited or determined or motivated.
Gah, I'm just jumping to conclusions and rambling on again. I'm just gonna go pack more books. I'll finish this later.
Well, you can't tell that I've just taken a day-long break from this entry, but I feel it's important to note that. I'm now working on a mix for a penpal. My music collection has been... well, the best way to put it is 'MIA' because it was still alive, yet not where it was supposed to be and doing what it was supposed to do. However, that matter is settled and the mix has been made and now I'm just making it pretty. I hope she likes it! I'm having way too much fun with it!
...Fuck, the entire program just overloaded itself and shut down.
I'll finish it tomorrow, I suppose.
So, I guess there's a little backstory before I actually begin writing about an even that occurred today. I used to consider Hannah my closest, dearest, most valued and trusted friend. She spent an exchange year in France and came back the kind of person that I cannot help but avoid. What was once just characteristic ditziness and forgetfulness became intentional (and admitted) vapidness and flighty, stupid tendencies. Before she left, she generally valued her intelligence and creativity... she liked the fact that she was geeky and socially awkward. Now, she forces useless conversation, pretends not to understand a thing, interrupts conversations without any care as to what's going on around her. In a few words, she's become self-absorbed and idiotic. As much as I cherished the friendship we once had, I cannot continue to maintain friendship with a person whose every action grates on all of my nerves. The one trait that I will not tolerate in a person in the tendency to play up ignorance and stupidity, which Hannah does in abundance because "it's easier to be stupid than to try and be smart." That is exactly what she told me when I asked her bluntly "Why do you act so stupid around everyone when I know you're so much smarter than that?" I cannot possibly forgive the act of removing your intelligence for greater approval. Throughout my tumultuous adolescence, I did A LOT to be accepted, but not once did I ever even consider pretending to be of any lower intelligence. That was the one thing of which I was proud, even when it was strongly and harshly criticized.
I don't understand... I know she had a difficult time fitting in over in France, but she made two wonderful, intelligent, valuable friends with whom she spent 85% of her time, so what caused the drastic and unfortunate change in values and personality? The Hannah I knew before France would never have given up her intelligence for a laugh or approval. She may not have always displayed it well (I admit, she's always been rather ditzy... but unintentionally), but she always had that intelligence as a point of pride, not something to be hidden away so casually just for others. She's surrounded by equally intelligent males and females, all of whom value higher thinking, so there's nothing to encourage such ideals, but she persists. Even when several of us, bluntly and more politically, have told her how we feel about her newfound "idiot-girl" facade, she is still convinced that it's the better way for her. It's heartbreaking, but I see many of her dearest friends slipping away because we cannot stand girls like that! Needless ignorance isn't something we're fond of, but every so often, it's easily tolerated and often used as an endearing story later on, but continual and persistent stupidity is absolutely unheard of among us!
I feel like an asshole, writing about her this way, but I see no other way of putting it. So, now onto my little vignette: She arrived back home after a week spent at a Quaker camp. At this camp, they play a game called 'Wink' in which a person sits in the middle of a circle, which is situated inside another circle. Both circles have equal numbers of people that pair up. The members of the outside circle fight to kiss the person in the middle, while the inner circle members try to hold them out. The person that actually kisses the middle person on the lips wins. Well, while playing this cutesy game, Hannah sprained her elbow. When I arrived at a party earlier, she was already there, situated in a chair. As a greeting, she moans a little, does a little wave of the fingers wrapped in a cast, and tenderly lifts up the casted arm as if to say, "Oh, look, poor me, I'm so injured..." At this, I simply rolled my eyes because 1) she really wasn't in much pain; 2) if it really did hurt, she wouldn't have tried to lift it; 3) She should have a sling on but didn't feel like wearing it. I had absolutely no sympathy for her and that's all she was looking for with that kind of greeting so I indicated very clearly (because she rarely gets it otherwise) that I wasn't going to put up with her "injured, helpless damsel in distress" act. At my response, she pouted and said how offended she was, how she couldn't believe I would react like that, how insensitive and uncaring I was to her "very painful handicap." Oh, blow me. I don't give a shit! If you didn't play it up and cared for the injury properly, I would feel some sympathy, but I refuse to treat it as some debilitating point of attention for her already pathetic attempts at garnering celebrity status.
Wow, I AM an asshole, looking back on those words, but I don't know what to do anymore. I want so badly to be close to her again, but even when it's just she and I, she'll push my buttons with intentional stupidity so that I get frustrated, angry, and upset. She loves to see me frustrated, often to the point of tears, because I'm trying to build our relationship. For example, she and two of my other friends visited me at work at a mall before they went to another store to buy t-shirts. Well, an hour later, they came back, wearing the new shirts they had bought. Hannah, in an attempt to provoke me, wore these 3-sizes-too-small booty pajama shorts into the store so that she could see me roll my eyes and tell her what a stupid and self-embarrassing idea that was. Her panties were literally hanging out of the bottom of the shorts and she had, to be honest, the worst camel toe I've ever seen on a woman. And she waled like that down a very public, busy corridor of the only real mall in town. Obviously, many people saw her (which was attention, notorious or not, that she LOVED) and she thought it was hilarious that I was frustrated with her love of looking absolutely ridiculous and stupid. Our other friends were so embarrassed by her that they almost wouldn't let me see her. The Hannah I knew before France often looked ridiculous in public, but wouldn't have debased herself like that, looking completely trashy and disgusting, but the Hannah after thought it was hilarious and thought it even funnier to provoke my ire and disbelief. On other occasions, she feigns ignorance on the most basic subjects to see whether or not I'll correct her or roll my eyes or react in some way. It's so tiring to be around her and try to have a normal conversation because she only wants to piss me off.
I'm trying. I'm trying so hard. I want that friend with whom I can share anything and everything. We used to sit around her living room watching cheesy romantic comedies and giggling and eating Ben & Jerry's. We used to bond over boys and school frustrations and gossip about those we knew. We used to walk around town having serious talks about our families and our futures and the friendships we had with others. I miss that. I miss her. I know everything's very different and that we've all changed,but we should still be able to do at least a fraction of that and instead, after every meeting, I find that I can't spend more than a few minutes in her presence or I'll explode from sheer anger and frustration. Hannah's such an amazing girl with so many positives and talents and she's just blowing them all away, her friends included.
Ugh, I'm going to bed. I've got a lot to pack before work tomorrow. Goodnight.