(no subject)
today i woke up and thought, "i want out."
i want free of this whole terrible thing. i want to be alone until i can find somebody who will be my friend. who will take care of my troubles like i will take care of theirs. i want to be free of the last three years of my life, in a big way. he can't be welcome here, anymore. i am so tired of our story. the whole fucked up plot. being used and then begging for forgiveness.
i'm free, now. i have no real ties, anywhere. this makes me incredibly sad, because i have always felt the need to belong some place. the pull of belonging and constructing a place with people that i love. how simple and well that would fit, like slipping on a pair of old shoes.
but now, i just don't have that. the home i thought i was building was taken away. and i'm still reeling, but no amount of sadness will give that back to me. it's gone now, so i will have to go out, searching.
i am free. i am sad about it, but that's not all i am. what if i just started living, instead?
i am in a new state, a new place i have never been. i can go anywhere, be anything. plant myself down and root myself up, stay or keep moving.
nothing is like i expected it would be. it's more painful than anyone likes to admit to, or can, really. but it's beautiful anyway. i can't bring myself to think anything different, even though i lately, and often, want to.
i want free of this whole terrible thing. i want to be alone until i can find somebody who will be my friend. who will take care of my troubles like i will take care of theirs. i want to be free of the last three years of my life, in a big way. he can't be welcome here, anymore. i am so tired of our story. the whole fucked up plot. being used and then begging for forgiveness.
i'm free, now. i have no real ties, anywhere. this makes me incredibly sad, because i have always felt the need to belong some place. the pull of belonging and constructing a place with people that i love. how simple and well that would fit, like slipping on a pair of old shoes.
but now, i just don't have that. the home i thought i was building was taken away. and i'm still reeling, but no amount of sadness will give that back to me. it's gone now, so i will have to go out, searching.
i am free. i am sad about it, but that's not all i am. what if i just started living, instead?
i am in a new state, a new place i have never been. i can go anywhere, be anything. plant myself down and root myself up, stay or keep moving.
nothing is like i expected it would be. it's more painful than anyone likes to admit to, or can, really. but it's beautiful anyway. i can't bring myself to think anything different, even though i lately, and often, want to.