what's on your mind tonight? don't think too much, you'll go blind...
so yesterday, Valentine's Day, turned out to not be as terrible as i thought it would be. of course its no surprise, to anyone who kinda-sorta knows me, that i am pretty much the loneliest kid on earth. so its pretty obvious that i dont enjoy holidays that just shove everyone elses happiness and coupledom in my face. it just kind of amplifies the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that i endure everyday when i am confronted by the fact that i am always found unattractive by the opposite sex. of course this comes off as sounding like some pity me cuz im a melodramatic whiny girl entry, but really its not meant to be. i pretty much have stopped questioning why i never receive genuine attention from guys. its just a fact of life that ive come to accept. ive pretty much abandoned all hope of finding someone who is actually interested in me. and its funny, i think im the only 20 year old that i know who has never had a relationship last for over 4 months. everyone around me has had these long-term relationships that last for a year or more. but me, no, mine last about a month for the most part. but then again, i tend to not date people that are good for me. i make bad decisions in that part of my life. decisions about anything, forget it, ive got it down. but when it comes to relationships...its just laughable. i guess thats why i have been doing what ive been doing for the past few months of my life. just fucking guys i know and getting what i want (and probably something they dont mind getting) and then not having any committment or issues of being genuinely interested in a relationship with them. friends with benefits i suppose. i know most people say that never works, but for me it has. i dont think that anyone i hook up with or whatever has any interest in me (romantically) and i dont have that for them, but i suspend reality and for a few minutes, hours, whatever, just let myself enjoy the experience and the feeling of being connected. but then when its over, its fine. i move on with my life, the guy moves on with his, and thats that. we just talk again when we want to and fuck again when we want to. its pretty convinient. and it doesnt leave me feeling lonely or depressed or used cuz hey, neither party involved has romantic feelings for the other. its a fabulous arrangement really.
ok, so that led me to go off on a tangent...oops. but yeah after my chem lecture let out last night, which was around 8pm, i decided it would only be appropriate to purchase some carryout from Kyodai and brace myself for the long night of being lonely and having it rubbed in my face by everyone around me. so i called my order in, and left the TU campus. i decied to park back behind the Recher at the Towson Circle parking lot cuz its free, and free is good. i got out of my car and started walking towards the intersection of Pennslyvania and York, using the shortcut through the parking lot of the Kent Lounge and that random drive-up bank place. then i heard some random guy yelling 'Ma'am!' about a million times, but it has become a habit for me to not turn around when people call out for someone, unless it is distinctly my name. but if its a generic phrase or word, then no, i dont respond...ive made the mistake of doing that too many times in my life, to only end up looking like an ass when they are clearly not trying to get your attention. but after about the 10th time he said it, i got annoyed and thought maybe he really was trying to get my attention. oh, and i was on the phone at the time, so i was kind of focused on that. but yeah, so i turned around and had this pissed off look on my face (i do that a lot, even when im not really pissed, just confused). he then asked me if i my car was parked in front of the door to the Kent. and no, it wasnt, so i told him that wasnt my car and just kept walking. ps- it was a godforsaken SUV, and i think the entire world knows how much i hate unnecessarily large vehicles. theyre just so pointless and a waste of money and gas, and all that crap. after i said that to the guy, he apologized, and i felt really bad b/c i think i said it in a really mean tone and i didnt mean to snap at some random guy, but i did. i do that a lot, w/o even being aware of it. but at that moment i was sad, angry, confused, and feeling really overwhelmed by my complete social anxiety, which was only exacerbated by the fact that i was walking around by myself in Towson at night while everyone in the world was walking around with his or her significant other in tow. and me, well, i was walking around all by myself, feeling very self-concious.
after that debacle, and while still on my cell phone, these 2 thugged out looking black guys came walking towards me while i stood waiting for the little crosswalk sign to tell me i could go. of course they had to talk me....it wouldnt be my life is weird thug guys didnt try to talk to me when walking down the street by myself at night. its only natural in my life really. so of course im worried that theyre going to say something vulgar or something to make me feel embarassed or uncomfortable (b/c thats what is usually said to me in these situations), so i prepped myself for what i thought would be coming. miraculously, they didnt say anything disturbing, actually, the only thing they said was 'hey, Happy Valentine's Day!' the 2 guys then proceeded to hand me a pink carnation, and then just kept on walking. i was so bewildered by the whole situation that i just kind of vaguely smiled and said thanks to them. i wish i hadnt been on the phone b/c then i may have been able to say more of an emphatic thank you and maybe eek out a 'same to you' or something of the like. but b/c i was genuinely not with it at that moment in time, i dont think my appreciation for their kindness really translated well. i was kind of "in my own head" at the moment. if anyone knows what i mean by that....but due to my extreme anxiety about being out in public, especially someplace that is buzzing with activity, i have to block out everything that is going on around me and almost focus all of my energy on whats going on in my head at that moment. i can hear my thoughts very clearly and my mind starts racing, it kind of blurs any external realities and seems to just leave me alone with my thoughts admist a busy environment thats filled with a multitude of things going on at any one time. i tend to focus so hard on my internal thoughts that i have found my facial expressions seem to change depending on what is going through my mind at that moment. so when i snap out of it and get back in touch with reality, i often find myself with this confused expression on my face, furrowed eyebrows and all. sounds weird, right? i dunno, its just normal for me, but i bet people around me are really creeped out haha. im just weird, ive come to accept that.
but after that whole confusing and somewhat eventful trip through Towson, i returned home and ate my sushi and realized that my Valentine's Day didnt turn out as terribly depressing as i had expected it to be. in fact, i was hardly ever weighed down by my feeling of melancholy and deep sadness for my lack of someone to share my love and my life with. thank goodness i have my dog. it sounds pathetic, but she is one of the only things that gets me through each and every day. i know that shell love me whether im happy or sad, angry or mellow, confused or confident. at the end of the day she just love me for me and wants to be with me all the time. and that makes me happy. and it makes me appreciate her ability to provide this wonderful sense of companionship that none of my friends could ever even being doing. people are cool and all, but lets face it, we all have our own agendas, but animals, they just dont. they just literally want to be loved and to let you know that they love you. and thats so refreshing to me. ok, so now i sound like a complete weirdo. heh better quit while im behind.
on a sidenote, ive decided to stop going to my therapist. i hadnt been going to him for all that long, but it just made me realize (just like i did last time i went to one) that therapy is just not helpful for me. at least, not the majority of the time. im just not one of those people who can go into a session and sit down and just let all of my inner thoughts and feelings come spilling out. im not someone who can do that on demand. in order to get that from me, someone needs to catch me at the right time, when i just let my words fly out of my mouth and give people insight into my own personal world. i can honestly say that although it appears that i do that with a very large amount of people in my life, i just dont. i hold back. i keep my mouth shut. i only let superficial thoughts and feelings show themselves most of the time. i dont know why, i guess its just easier for me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. i wonder...do other people do that? or am i being overly controlling of myself and my emotions? do people see me as being emotionally unavailable or even emotion-less? or do i just come off as another 20 year old girl? i wish i knew the answers to these things. this is just a taste of the constant flow of thoughts running through my head at any given moment. it gets pretty tiring.
well ive rambled on for about long enough. now its time to get something to eat and maybe read over some stuff for my classes.
ok, so that led me to go off on a tangent...oops. but yeah after my chem lecture let out last night, which was around 8pm, i decided it would only be appropriate to purchase some carryout from Kyodai and brace myself for the long night of being lonely and having it rubbed in my face by everyone around me. so i called my order in, and left the TU campus. i decied to park back behind the Recher at the Towson Circle parking lot cuz its free, and free is good. i got out of my car and started walking towards the intersection of Pennslyvania and York, using the shortcut through the parking lot of the Kent Lounge and that random drive-up bank place. then i heard some random guy yelling 'Ma'am!' about a million times, but it has become a habit for me to not turn around when people call out for someone, unless it is distinctly my name. but if its a generic phrase or word, then no, i dont respond...ive made the mistake of doing that too many times in my life, to only end up looking like an ass when they are clearly not trying to get your attention. but after about the 10th time he said it, i got annoyed and thought maybe he really was trying to get my attention. oh, and i was on the phone at the time, so i was kind of focused on that. but yeah, so i turned around and had this pissed off look on my face (i do that a lot, even when im not really pissed, just confused). he then asked me if i my car was parked in front of the door to the Kent. and no, it wasnt, so i told him that wasnt my car and just kept walking. ps- it was a godforsaken SUV, and i think the entire world knows how much i hate unnecessarily large vehicles. theyre just so pointless and a waste of money and gas, and all that crap. after i said that to the guy, he apologized, and i felt really bad b/c i think i said it in a really mean tone and i didnt mean to snap at some random guy, but i did. i do that a lot, w/o even being aware of it. but at that moment i was sad, angry, confused, and feeling really overwhelmed by my complete social anxiety, which was only exacerbated by the fact that i was walking around by myself in Towson at night while everyone in the world was walking around with his or her significant other in tow. and me, well, i was walking around all by myself, feeling very self-concious.
after that debacle, and while still on my cell phone, these 2 thugged out looking black guys came walking towards me while i stood waiting for the little crosswalk sign to tell me i could go. of course they had to talk me....it wouldnt be my life is weird thug guys didnt try to talk to me when walking down the street by myself at night. its only natural in my life really. so of course im worried that theyre going to say something vulgar or something to make me feel embarassed or uncomfortable (b/c thats what is usually said to me in these situations), so i prepped myself for what i thought would be coming. miraculously, they didnt say anything disturbing, actually, the only thing they said was 'hey, Happy Valentine's Day!' the 2 guys then proceeded to hand me a pink carnation, and then just kept on walking. i was so bewildered by the whole situation that i just kind of vaguely smiled and said thanks to them. i wish i hadnt been on the phone b/c then i may have been able to say more of an emphatic thank you and maybe eek out a 'same to you' or something of the like. but b/c i was genuinely not with it at that moment in time, i dont think my appreciation for their kindness really translated well. i was kind of "in my own head" at the moment. if anyone knows what i mean by that....but due to my extreme anxiety about being out in public, especially someplace that is buzzing with activity, i have to block out everything that is going on around me and almost focus all of my energy on whats going on in my head at that moment. i can hear my thoughts very clearly and my mind starts racing, it kind of blurs any external realities and seems to just leave me alone with my thoughts admist a busy environment thats filled with a multitude of things going on at any one time. i tend to focus so hard on my internal thoughts that i have found my facial expressions seem to change depending on what is going through my mind at that moment. so when i snap out of it and get back in touch with reality, i often find myself with this confused expression on my face, furrowed eyebrows and all. sounds weird, right? i dunno, its just normal for me, but i bet people around me are really creeped out haha. im just weird, ive come to accept that.
but after that whole confusing and somewhat eventful trip through Towson, i returned home and ate my sushi and realized that my Valentine's Day didnt turn out as terribly depressing as i had expected it to be. in fact, i was hardly ever weighed down by my feeling of melancholy and deep sadness for my lack of someone to share my love and my life with. thank goodness i have my dog. it sounds pathetic, but she is one of the only things that gets me through each and every day. i know that shell love me whether im happy or sad, angry or mellow, confused or confident. at the end of the day she just love me for me and wants to be with me all the time. and that makes me happy. and it makes me appreciate her ability to provide this wonderful sense of companionship that none of my friends could ever even being doing. people are cool and all, but lets face it, we all have our own agendas, but animals, they just dont. they just literally want to be loved and to let you know that they love you. and thats so refreshing to me. ok, so now i sound like a complete weirdo. heh better quit while im behind.
on a sidenote, ive decided to stop going to my therapist. i hadnt been going to him for all that long, but it just made me realize (just like i did last time i went to one) that therapy is just not helpful for me. at least, not the majority of the time. im just not one of those people who can go into a session and sit down and just let all of my inner thoughts and feelings come spilling out. im not someone who can do that on demand. in order to get that from me, someone needs to catch me at the right time, when i just let my words fly out of my mouth and give people insight into my own personal world. i can honestly say that although it appears that i do that with a very large amount of people in my life, i just dont. i hold back. i keep my mouth shut. i only let superficial thoughts and feelings show themselves most of the time. i dont know why, i guess its just easier for me to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. i wonder...do other people do that? or am i being overly controlling of myself and my emotions? do people see me as being emotionally unavailable or even emotion-less? or do i just come off as another 20 year old girl? i wish i knew the answers to these things. this is just a taste of the constant flow of thoughts running through my head at any given moment. it gets pretty tiring.
well ive rambled on for about long enough. now its time to get something to eat and maybe read over some stuff for my classes.