(no subject)
ok, the thing. i want 2 start w. sumthin weird happened 2 me. I started looking in the mirror and seeing a pathetic, ugly grl. I got really insecure and just freaked. im normally not all I NEED MAKEUP but it helped, kinda. i felt ugly bcuz when i took it off, i saw the monster again. i thought, nothing is wrong w. makeup, n i juts ignored my insecurity, which made me feel worse. so 1 nite i came home from sumthin and i looked in the mirror and started crying. i HATED the face looking back @ me. I was crying juts bcuz i felt hideous, and i was stressed n just upset. i remembered how last year i would write when i got upset, n so i took out a really old diary n started writing about how much i hated myself. I then realized, thta i had rejected myself, and i remember that i started crying after i write "i dont want 2 b my friend" i realized it wasnt ok 2 hide myself and understood y sum1 as gorgeous as marah could say she was ugly and hate herself. I figured out a few things that nite. When you look @ urself in the mirror, say in the morning when ur getting ready, u r only looking 4 flaws bcuz ur expecting them. I look the same 2 every1 else as i do now and 3 days ago, but i c a different face. i went 2 dance and didnt think that my body juts wasnt rite. I didnt believe no 1 would even want 2 look @ me. It felt really good. I realized sumthin i NEED 2 stress. All those ugly things i was sure was, no1 had said thta about me. no 1 called me fat, said my nose as humoungus, said i had disgusting lines under my eyes, it was all me. i was the only 1 who was critisizing. i 4got that there was more 2 me then how ugly i thought i looked. i seperated the real me, the person who cared about things and was clear about the world around her, the girl all my fiends luv. i shut her down, and thats not fair. I didnt like myself 4 a short couple of weeeks and its over 4 me, and i dont think that u can completely understand unless u experiance it. Its so weird thta after all that discussion and reading about anne being split in 2, i never really got it, until now. its such a relief not 2 judge myself. i just want ppl 2 understand, but i doubt that will happen. I saw kirsten 2day and thought "she really looks pretty, like really pretty 2day" i found myself believing it 2. i wasnt searching 4 compliments 4 her, i juts saw it. i thought her smile was gorgeous, and she wasnt wearing size 3 pants, but she fit her clothes well and her hair was cute. its a sham bcuz kirsten is never gonna c that gorgeous girl i saw 2day, bcuz she sees a monster, a fat disgusting monster. i didnt even tell her bcuz hearing her reject my hert felt compliment would have broken my heart.
just think about it
em
ps- kiki is convinced that i like kyle and ne1 who really knows me would no that i dont like him. so dont agree w.her, shes sure, and i think its ridiculous, but let her believe wat she wants, i no the truth.
just think about it
em
ps- kiki is convinced that i like kyle and ne1 who really knows me would no that i dont like him. so dont agree w.her, shes sure, and i think its ridiculous, but let her believe wat she wants, i no the truth.