I am a horrible woman....
Never has appropriate icon been more appropriate. I have spent the past.....ninety minutes, basically, being absolutely horrid to the person I love most in this world, in an attempt to get her to do....Something. Anything. Anything, actually, other than what she did. I love her. And seeing her go back to that place, with those people....where she is so very miserable.....it hurts. An actual physical pain.....
And I have no right at all to say anything to her. Because I do the same thing myself....every day. When I wake up here, I do it. When I get up and get dressed and go to work, I do it. I allow others to bind me. With expectations. With habits. I get in my own damned way.
The only constraints that exist on us are the ones we allow to be there. I can name every one of mine. I know them all very well. And I also know that there is a point.....there on the horizon.....one day I shall reach it, and I will be free of most of them, or perhaps all of them. Because when I FINALLY have had enough....when I DO act....then the only constraints that will hold me back will be the ones I still recognize.
I love you, Gina. I'm sorry for being a bitch. I thought that was the face you needed then. I thought you needed me to be the tough one, to be hard and bitter and cold as ice. If I misjudged, I am sorry. It would not be the first time.
You don't disappoint me. Please don't think that. I am only disappointed in myself. You are in this situation partly because I saw this coming and I did nothing to prevent it. I let you down.
Not private this time....