(no subject)

[idamis]

It's been a while...so i have work at 10 and it's almost one...and i'm drinking coffee....good life choices? i think not. anyways, so there's been a lot going on lately but i haven't felt the need to "hide" it all away by writing it here because i realize i have Erica. I have always had her and we never stopped being friends but when i was having a mental breakdown a few weeks ago about Australia she was the only person i could even think about calling. I know my other friends would have listened to me to but Erica is just one of those people that no matter what you know she's listening and she always says the right thing. I have no idea what i'm going to do next year....well actually i know that i'll be on the phone a lot more because i will have to call her like once a week to update her and just talk. This year i've been stuck at school because of work and it really hasn't bothered me too much. I've lost touch with a lot of my friends back home...it bothered me at first but then i realized that they were never really much of my friends anyways. kelly and katie were my absolute best friends last year and just because i can't come home anymore they go and replace me with a girl who starts drama out of the blue just because she needs a reason to feel tough? K. have fun. guess i was wrong about them. We always said how we were going to be the girls that at our highschool reunion would be talking about stuff we did yesterday rather than years ago. Just goes to show that you really can't trust people. So that's the only thing that has really been bringing me down. I deleted every HK2 picture i have and i'm tempted to delete Kelly and Katie from facebook just so i won't have to see every week how they replaced me with nikki. It's not a pleasant feeling...being replaced. Anyways, i love and hate it here. There are times when i feel so out of place with my friends because you have the girls of our group that do their own thing and then you have the guys who do their own thing and then there's me. I feel like half the time my friends don't know me. Like the other night Kyle, dilila and i were talking about how we want to try to get last year back and i said "i know i'm trying" and kyle cut me off by saying that it's not my fault and it's not something that needs to be planned. and i cut back in and said 'i know, i was trying to say that's why i'm canceling events for the rest of the year.' I like to be busy, i like to organize things and more than anything i like to see my friends happy. I know my friends here care just by the things they do like making sure i walk back from the party with them, or making sure i'm not getting too overloaded with things but sometimes they just don't understand and it's frustrating. What's even more frustrating is being me in the film world. Here's the thing, there's like 5 girls in my major. The guys unconsciously overlook us and don't let us do anything. Even though it's something they don't realize they're doing they need to wake up and help us because as our friends, they should be on our side and supporting us. Frustrating fact #2, the other girls don't understand my anger with all this. They kinda do but they don't get as frustrated as i do. here's the thing about me, my entire life i've been a leader of some sort. I always have some kind of authority no matter what i do. Everything i commit to i follow through on. I do not accept failure....well anyways. for the most part, i decide things. Here however, I am fighting just to exist and that's why i get so frustrated because i've NEVER been disrespected like this! I've always had the respect of others so i don't deal well with the guys blowing me off. It's just aggravating. And on that note, i've come to the conclusion of why i hate camp so much. For exactly the reason i get aggravated at the guys! At camp, because i was so quiet at first, i do not get the respect or authority from others that i'm used to. I'm just a counselor. I strive on responsibility and i'm not given that at camp because i'm surrounded by counselors who have been devoted to camp their whole life so when it comes down to who gets the authority it goes to them because compared to them i'm an unfamiliar face. Hence forth why i've always "hated" camp. Well when i go back to camp for 3 weeks i'm gunna have a whole new attitude. It's gunna start with an apology....probably a facebook one because i'm not good with confrontation and a big smile on my face. I WANT to go back to camp. i WANT to have camp friends. I WANT to enjoy myself. and i plan to do so starting week 6 of camp.

so that's what's been going on. oh and you know that boy of mine...2 months :). Bliss would be a good explanation. He's giving up 5day to go to hyannis sound with me. and i can be one of the guys all day with him and then end the night being his girlfriend. It still sounds weird to me for people to call me his girlfriend, and even weirder for me to hear him say it but i think that's only because i'm used to "girlfriend" being in the context of being with someone like lee. It's just a different kind of relationship and just in general...i'm happy. i don't see this one leaving any time soon :)