(no subject)
why is it that when we feel down we find that every song we listen to relates with our state of being? have you ever noticed that?
so since i've been back i've been in a mood that is pretty much indescribable...like i'm far from happy but not completely sulk in a corner depressed. i think being home for so long made me go back to the way i was all throughout high school; just putting a fake smile one when i'm really not okay. my past experiences with my love life bother me. well, not all of them. i love how nick and i are still really good friends. and andrew and i are back to normal only because i was a freaking drama queen ahah. shane and i seem to be alright as well. i tried working on the garrett situation but he won't talk about it. kevin and i are friends now. like with the exception of garrett and clinton i've been able to stay friends with my exs. i do not like garrett or clinton anymore but everytime i see them i am hurt because i don't talk to them anymore. i obviously went out with them because i liked them (well the whole garrett sitch got screwed up but shhhh) like clinton and i had SO much in common and we could have been amazing friends but things got screwed up and that's why every time i see him i get upset. same thing with aaron. like we were good friends before we started dating then he was a jerk and now i'm lacking a friend who loves LOTR, movies, and causing mischeif all because things got screwed up. there is absolutly NO reason why i should forgive him but i cannot stay mad at a person, i'm horrible at conflict. everytime i get mad at someone i immediatly think about reasons how i can forgive them so the conflict will be gone. everytime i hear or see aaron i get wicked upset because i was loving college when i was hanging out with him and katy pretty much all day. now i just want to get away from here...not even home....not camp...just away. like i want to fall asleep and never wake up from my dream. i hate my luck. i just wish i knew how it felt to have someone who truly cared about me...like kelly, sarah, lindsy, katy and katie have or had. i grew up with amazing girls who made me feel like crap 24-7 just because they were lucky enough to get guys, one right after another.
i need someone...like now.
so since i've been back i've been in a mood that is pretty much indescribable...like i'm far from happy but not completely sulk in a corner depressed. i think being home for so long made me go back to the way i was all throughout high school; just putting a fake smile one when i'm really not okay. my past experiences with my love life bother me. well, not all of them. i love how nick and i are still really good friends. and andrew and i are back to normal only because i was a freaking drama queen ahah. shane and i seem to be alright as well. i tried working on the garrett situation but he won't talk about it. kevin and i are friends now. like with the exception of garrett and clinton i've been able to stay friends with my exs. i do not like garrett or clinton anymore but everytime i see them i am hurt because i don't talk to them anymore. i obviously went out with them because i liked them (well the whole garrett sitch got screwed up but shhhh) like clinton and i had SO much in common and we could have been amazing friends but things got screwed up and that's why every time i see him i get upset. same thing with aaron. like we were good friends before we started dating then he was a jerk and now i'm lacking a friend who loves LOTR, movies, and causing mischeif all because things got screwed up. there is absolutly NO reason why i should forgive him but i cannot stay mad at a person, i'm horrible at conflict. everytime i get mad at someone i immediatly think about reasons how i can forgive them so the conflict will be gone. everytime i hear or see aaron i get wicked upset because i was loving college when i was hanging out with him and katy pretty much all day. now i just want to get away from here...not even home....not camp...just away. like i want to fall asleep and never wake up from my dream. i hate my luck. i just wish i knew how it felt to have someone who truly cared about me...like kelly, sarah, lindsy, katy and katie have or had. i grew up with amazing girls who made me feel like crap 24-7 just because they were lucky enough to get guys, one right after another.
i need someone...like now.