(no subject)

Jul 07, 2008 14:13

ive had another livejournal going on. its all about jackie... i dont know why i havent posted it here. this is my journal, this is my life. i shouldnt have to hide anything. just say it.

well, jackie has probably read (most of) the entries.

Jun. 29th, 2008

* 3:52 PM

so i just told her that there was a secret livejournal where im venting all the things i would usually vent to her. she said she understood exactly what i was doing, and was happy that i told her.

i mentioned to her how i wish i could tell her exactly what i said in my post...
she said, "i know you do, scott."

i went swimming after that.
i would pretend that she was drowning on the opposite side of the pool. i would swim my fastest to the other side, to save her. if i went above the surface of the water before reaching the other side, mentally it would mean that i let her drown.

i never let her drown. this lasted a few minutes...

when i got upstairs after swimming, i could hear the lil ringtone on my phone that i received a text msg. it was her.
she told me about what really happened:

when i first began to tell her about it (it was on the phone), her heart stop for a second because she thought i was about to tell her something so much worse.

i hid something from her before, but i just felt like if i told her that i was hiding something for the sake of my relationship with her, i wouldnt have to feel like i was hiding something for her.

the truth? her heart stopping meant more to me than she knows.

her heart stopping was yet another sign of her feelings for me. and i like seeing a part of her that shes been pushing back so long.

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her funeral

* Jun. 29th, 2008 at 6:57 PM

so if she died... and i was at her funeral (undoubtedly i would go), what kind of things would i say?

my goodness... to think of the things i'd say...

i would say that she was smarter than i thought all along. i would say that she was a strong lover, that her feelings werent ever half-ass. i would say she interrogated into my heart so well i thought she could be a lawyer if she was up to the challenge. poetic, beautiful, shy and magnificent would be the words i would use to describe her. her body in the casket would be beautiful, and i wouldnt hesitate to kiss her dead lips.

i would say that i was honored to be the last person she ever loved.
no.. not that.

i think i would say that i was her lover when she died, and even as her body would fade from this universe, my love wouldnt. regardless of the way things have been in the past, it goes without question that even, today, i am her lover still. i am her lover, and she faught the feeling hard and well. she's had years of experience of pushing feelings away with dozens of others, and id like to think that i was the only one she couldnt push back entirely. that being said, i was hers, and am still hers.

i will forever be hers, even if the next girl im with isnt her.
i really dont want to see the day that this would happen though.

at her funeral, i would speak of how silly she was, her lil songs, her childish spirit. i would speak how whenever something bothered her, she expressed it clearly and would often exagerate the seriousness of the problems.

extremely expressive. i would add that to the ways i would describe her. or would that go under 'poetic'? i ask because i could be like, "she was poetic in the sense that she was very expressive of her thoughts, her feelings, and her attitudes towards EVERYTHING in life."

i hope to not have to see her go so soon.

================================================

Jun. 29th, 2008

* 7:40 PM

she saved me
whether or not she knows it, she saved me
and id like to think i was worth saving all along.

================================================

her hand

* Jun. 29th, 2008 at 8:48 PM

she smashed her hand on her way home from bjs. she had to use one hand to drive while the throbbing never ended. theres probably gonna be a bruise there, or possibly a broken hand, if the pain is as bad as she expressed it...

but i just cant help to wonder. was she really crying out of pain? i really cant remember the last time i cried out of physical pain. theres 2 guesses as to why she was crying to it...

1) she was a crybaby as a kid. so her crying maybe was just a continuation of her past personality. whenever in enough pain, she will cry.

2) she felt lonely during it. i told her "im so sorry baby, i would go get some ice and aspirin if i were there. i really wanna take care of you. i wanna help you take care of yourself. plz, plz go put ice on it."

she just wanted to go to sleep. i dont think it was because of the hand really... but maybe because she missed me badly and just didnt want to miss me so much while shes in need of help from somebody. who else in the world would she rather have help her other than the only thing she ever wanted to know, which was me. who else?

and she didnt have me...

i wish she would take me back already.

============================================

closer to the beginning, further from the end

* Jun. 30th, 2008 at 2:13 PM

so we stayed up a lil late playing cs together. she slipped the b word (babe , baby) a few times, and she would try to correct it instantly. i think it is, and still think it is, her being comfortable for a brief moment in time, being with me. seeing the good in being with me, having the fun being with me, being comfortable with the idea of being with me. it was a glimpse, but i will always think of it as something more.

she was getting tired, and not feeling well. she left to bed, saying that she'd be back. i was pretty certain that she wouldnt come back. so i left game, turned my headset onto the highest volume, laid it next to me along with my cellphone. it reminded me of the last time i did this, how we fell asleep with each other on msn. i remembered how she would wake me up in the middle of the night, just so she could know that i was still there.

my memories of us are always good. hers are always bad.

and then i dreamed a dream about a sleepover we were at, and how i somehow found myself naked next to abby (of all fucking ppl in the world), and jackie found us. of course she could jump to her conclusions... and nothing i could say would change what she believed. thats sort of where we are right now.

and she wants me to try to do something to try to stop dreaming of her. she says its for me, not her. i cant believe that too easily.

nothing i can say, only the things i can do, can change what she believes of me.

she took me back in the dream. i told her about this dream this morning, and she became angry that i would dream something like her taking me back, because only god knows she wouldnt.

changing what her beliefs are is insanely difficult. she tells herself things that will always be in favor of being justified in not taking me back, but also be against her favor in the sense that they wont allow her to take me back. its a crazy situation, because i honestly believe for her to take me back, she might have to stop thinking these false things, these things that i might do when im with her, this person that she thinks i still am, she will have to let these things go. and thats... impossible i think. only time might change what she believes.

thus, logically, only time can get her to relax, breathe, miss me, and drop all the horrendous thoughts of what i did and who i was.
it isnt just time though. me. i have to live up to my words. express to her as often as possible that i am who i say i am now. she probably sees this, and is fighting hard to recognize it. shes willing to do whatever she can do in order to not be wrong, even lie to herself.

there might be a possible life i am throwing away when i do all these things for her, and im perfectly comfortable with that sacrifice. perfectly. theres no effort here, no regrets. just me knowing something like her. shes unbelievable.

and YET she still talks to me, and not only does she talk to me, but she still talks to me about the things that she normally wouldnt talk about with anybody! and yet we still spend our nights talking, laughing, thinking, debating our beliefs against each other. my beliefs arent beliefs anymore. hers are though.

i have changed for the best
and she has saved me
and if she finds the mercy in her
ill have all of her grace

[she already has all of mine]

in the end of things, i cant help but to think she still is giving me more and more of herself, just not the thing she knows i want the most.

in the end of things, i cant help but to think im still her everything.

==========================================

Jun. 30th, 2008

* 8:13 PM

i would hide things so she wouldnt break up with me
i would hide things so i could have her believe i was a good enough boyfriend
it was stupid

and now im not giving up on her ever again
and im pushing for something
because i feel that if i stop
at any moment
i could lose her forever

i dunno if i can take the risk

i wonder if she'd try to get me back if the roles were switched

==============================================

Jun. 30th, 2008

* 10:46 PM

its funny how my diet sort of reflects my ego. how when i lose her, i lose my ego, i lose my appetite, and the minimum is enough.

maybe itll stay this way forever. except for the losing her part...

of course...

i wanna win in the end. she will be my beautiful prize. my everything again.

==============================================

Jun. 30th, 2008

* 11:14 PM

i want this now
you'd love to give me this chance
but you already gave me my last chance
the pain of this is unbearable

i dont think youre betraying anyone
i see it as you saving us, saving me
i don't want to jump into this
i don't want to ruin this

we see my faults
can't i fix them
undo these mistakes
so it won't break us again?

i know you want this
just as much as i do
but we can't just rush it
i want this time to be forever

soon baby...
soon we'll be together again
just believe my words are true
and don't give up on us

[i won't.]
<3

==========================================

Jul. 4th, 2008

* 11:37 AM

youre going out with him again tonight
youre becoming more and more his everything
how would it feel to be me now
how would it feel to be you then

but you love me, you love me, you love me, you love me
its been said, its true, im still that charming boy of yours
ill do whatever it takes to show you who i am
i cant let you go though, cant let you go

we spend hours talking on the phone still
the topic is something you hate, the topic is us
you say ive learned, i know what to do now with you
you say you love me, youre not gonna get over me

but you left me, you left me, you left me, you left me
its been done, its over, but im still that charming boy of yours
ill do whatever it takes to get us back together
i wont let you go though, wont ever let you go

trust and time, maybe we can yet still save this
even if you dont want it, you want it
to find that boy, to never have him leave you
open and honesty from the start

we can save this, can save this, can save this, can save this
if you put your guard down, i promise i wont hurt you badly
i promise to be what you wanted from the start
keep your eyes on me, and let it go tonight

if you love me, why are you trying to leave me
if you love me, take the chance and get me back
if you love me, be greedy with me, im all yours
if you love me, dont leave me, let time save our love

if you love me, believe me, and dont leave me.

================================================

Jul. 5th, 2008

* 11:57 AM

last night we had a talk
it was the best talk we've had since the breakup because she dropped the whole stubborn act and acted real with me. it was nice to have finally see the real her.

actually, the real her was getting all jealous during the friendly conversations. she found more and more things she wanted to say to me, but she never found the heart to say them (except the michelle thing). instead, frustrated with herself and her feelings, she pulled a defensive move: she asked if we could stop talking for a while.

to stop talking to her for a while makes me really scared...

1) maybe im supposed to not allow this to happen, but she would become so furious with me if i did break it, she might not talk to me ever again. not an option.

2) maybe she'll drop all feelings for me in this time, which is the worst thing she can do for me. im really relying on how she feels in order to get her back

3) maybe we can build trust and faith in each other after this silence, begin anew. maybe this is the time that everybody has told me to wait for. everybody says time will help heal these problems, scott. yet i was always rushing for results today, now, here, forever.

maybe this is the time apart that i never allowed us to grow from. i never really stopped talking to her before... everyday we've made at least some sort of communication, except for the day she had no phone and no computer. everyday she has been in my thoughts, and it wont change.

im not looking for myself to get over her, im looking for her to find whatever it is in her to be comfortable being however she was yesterday with me.

ive been so selfish to not give us time. im looking to see that what she did is the right move now.

jealousy........... its more than just a feeling. its a give-away. she wants me to herself still.
well here i am, jackie.
im waiting for you now.

i wish i knew what her intentions are for this.

it hurts to see her get drunk to fight the missery, and i cant be there to tell her to lay down and stop drinking. shes looking for outside things now to help. shes getting desperate.

ill still wait til the end of the world for her.

her lj..."something I'll tell ya after I'm dead"
i can only wonder.

and her new lj...
shes really not stable. she needs something. she needs me, and its the most frustrating crap to not be able to do shit.

=========================================================

day one of no talking

* Jul. 5th, 2008 at 10:43 PM

worked.
judy went home early because she sucks and is horribly sick. ( D: )

i hate pushing carts in the summer. sweat. sweat. sweat. ew.

today was hard. and today isnt over yet. i still want to talk to her. i opened my cell phone probably 8 or so times today, began typing a text message to her, and then stopped myself. i just kept thinking how mad she would be if i did text her. like i would fail the test of patience, of allowing space. i thought even the simplest message from me "are you ok?" or "hope youre doing fine" or something would just make her explode into a billion pieces, and she would never talk to me again or something.

im afraid by not breaking this silence, im gonna lose her for good. im afraid. god, i just wanna know if shes ok. when you love somebody, you care about them and want to know what they're doing, if they're hurt or not, feeling well or not...

actually, to put it simple, i want to know everything about her.
we... briefly talked this morning. she was having a dream that ppl from the catacombs forum were msging her or something. it was funny because she was like "STOP DOING WHATEVER YOURE DOING"

as if theres a link between my actual life and her dreams.
reminded me of when i reinstalled wow and she dreamed it or something.
its strange... but i posted something that evening i think. it was about hancock. well, it coudlve been the day before. im not sure.

most of the day, i just wanted to ask her 2 questions:
why are you doing this?
what are you hoping to get out of this in the end?.

i guess i could always ask her when we start talking again.

==============================================================

Jul. 6th, 2008

* 6:53 AM

woke up early... cant sleep

"i'm slowly erasing it all
fading memory"

it all... everything. i dont think she'll be able to actually ERASE it... actually i know it for a fact. im a psychology major.

=============================================

Jul. 6th, 2008

* 7:37 AM

im hoping for so much right now.

immediate and first hope, she just calls me and takes me back. not gonna happen.

she talks to me again, and we try to be strong and face this and build from it. she will take me back, and we'll continue to grow from this. not gonna happen.

after this spell of us not talking, she will be my friend, but will still have feelings of jealousy, those feelings shes been trying to fight now. she will become aware and accept her feelings, and we will get back together, and we will build up trust. her heart will be a lil vulnerable, but thats love.

we will talk again, become friends as best as we can. we will talk so much that it'll just turn into what it was before, and this time ill be open and honest from the start. we will try not to speak of what ive done before, instead of who we are now, what we're doing today, what we want to do tomorrow and how we're gonna reach our dream of living together (with a cat), away from everything. we will be a stronger couple than before, with a foundation of trust that i wont do this again, faith that i wont outsmart her.

in the end, i just want her to be happily by my side.

===========================================================

Jul. 6th, 2008

* 8:02 AM

this universe is such a big empty space... everybody wants to believe that they're alive for a reason. insignificant. we are all insignificant until we maybe do something for the rest of mankind.

i just want to spend this insignificant life of mine with her.

oh god i miss her

i love her so much

i never want to hurt her again
i want her.

i never want to hurt her again. i want her back. i want her back so much that merely being awake now reminds me of her. i look at my bed and i see where i spent some amazing nights on the phone with her. i see where that same place is the same place i become restless at.

i want her much. i still believe i can be her everything. this hurt, i want us to grow from this. lets be the most in love couple in the world. lets build trust. lets build something great.

and so i wait for her.

[ i destroyed something beautiful. lets create something perfect. ]

=========================================================

Jul. 6th, 2008

* 9:15 AM

marijuana
drinking
happiness with me

if i had the power to pick one for her...

======================================================

Jul. 6th, 2008

* 3:12 PM

cant we just talk... less?
will she even talk to me when shes ready?
will she let me know some how?

=====================================================

Jul. 6th, 2008

* 8:55 PM

shes gonna have to come clean with me too for this to work

======================================================

crazy and in love

* Jul. 7th, 2008 at 12:51 AM

day 2...

harder. i went a lil crazy today. took pictures of it. then photoshopped them into crazier looking pictures. thank god nobody was home. the writing is still all over my chest, even after the bath i took after it. go go permanent marker.

dane cook helps take things off my mind. i guess ill wake up tomorrow, thinking "she'll talk to me today... maybe..."

and she wont

i hate that she thinks im typical. its baaaaad.

==========================================================

Jul. 7th, 2008

* 10:14 AM

day 3...

"I have my moments where I see it again. Loneliness will do that. Does that mean anything? No, not really. I just think to myself, it'll all pass... and it does. Why would I want to put myself through it all anyway? ... I can't think of a reason why I would other than self-affliction. "

this was in the end of her lj today. shes doing her best, the pushing away things, the lying to herself. shes really trying hard.

self-affliction?
i wouldnt do that to her again, so returning to me wouldn't be self -affliction...
it would be great to be with her. not just for me, but for her too. she'd be loved, un-alone, and she'd be sharing her life with mine, mine with hers. the good things about each other, and the bad things about each other. we'd smile and move on, maybe with some trust this time.

shes making herself so lonely without me...

this is her self-affliction,
her depression,
her inability to face the truth.
the truth is she'll always love me.
a part of her will always want that happy future with me,
and it will be her asking herself, "what if i took him back..."
the truth is she cant really forget me.

the truth is she meant those words. she needs me. you dont just stop needing somebody like that. she still needs me. its those words she will never say to me.

the truth is im a good person for her.
har har har.
hard to believe from her probably, but i know my heart, and my family knows my heart, and jordan knows my heart. its a good heart and its intentions are pure.

this is her defense mechanism doing what it does best: pushing away so hard.
its always easier to push away than be hurt. she needs to be hurt, because sometimes the truth comes with hurt. she of all ppl should know that. she taught me.

maybe i can be the one that will not succumb to it.

maybe that part wasnt even about me.
but im selfish and want the meaningful parts in her lj to be about me...
maybe they arent
maybe they are
/shrug.

i have a feeling that this will all work out in the end.

=================================================================

Jul. 7th, 2008

* 1:47 PM

i never meant to hurt our relationship like this. no, i never intend bad things when i did the wrong things. my intentions would be that she wouldnt have to be hurt. that we would prosper from it, as if it didnt happen, and we would live forever together.

i never wanted to see us part. i never wanted to hurt her. her being hurt meant that id be hurt too. it hurts to hurt the only person in the world you love.

this is hard though. this is hard. this is impossibly hard. you know, its the thing i hate the most: to lose contact. the silent treatment. its hardest thing for me to deal with.

to want to call, to not be able to call
to want to fly to her, to not be able to fly to her
i already know the things i would say to her if i was right next to her.
she would love it.

the beautiful thing out of all this, if she ever wants me back, all she would have to do is ask.
and ill run.
if she said, "come to connecticut, scott"
i would fly.
i know i would be able to get everything back if i was there.

you know i love you so.
for you, i lost my old ways, found myself.
for you, im giving it all.
its true.
dont forget me.
dont forget this.

i txted her. i asked, "are you going to tell me when youre ready?"
no answer. of course no answer. shes really giving her everything into this forgetting of me.

run back to me. my arms are open. run back to me. i wont hold any of this against you. we dont have to speak about it if you dont want.
you wont be an idiot for being with the person you love the most, not if he wont hurt you again.

run back to me, love.

======================================================
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