Conflicting Feelings
There is so much going on right now, and I'm not sure what I should be feeling.
This whole past weekend I've been really depressed. Have you ever been in one of those situations where you can feel it eating you alive from the inside? It tears of piece by tiny piece and chews it slowly. Each and every day a little bit more of you is dead, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I feel terrible complaining, because I'm not even bearing the brunt of it. There are others who are suffering far more than I am, but I stand on the sidelines and wish that there was somehow I could alleviate just an ounce of everyone else's pain. There isn't though, nothing I am capable of could halt or even slow the situation. I can't be a hero. I'm only able to force myself to stay on the outside and cause no further suffering. But all that does is hurt me more. I can't even escape it more than mentally and even more than that, just for a few hours at a time. This past weekend, I didn't even leave my house. I made some plans, but circumstances beyond my control prevented them from happening. So I went for a walk, I went for a drive, I practiced tai chi, and beyond that I just sat on the couch and played video games. I created another world that I could pretend I was a part of, for only a little while, so I could stop thinking about everything.
On the other hand, my personal problems are slowly falling away. Yes, I get frustrated with school and some of the things that take place around me, but the quantity of good things outweighs the number of bad. Today in the mail, I received notification that people wanted to use one of my poems in a new recording along with an authorization form. Not only did I sign and initial in all the right places, but I managed to put it into the envelope and get it all the way back to the mailbox. I know it's not an amazing feat, but it's something I hardly ever accomplished before. In the past, I was always able to plan and prepare for the future, but never move toward it. I filled out so many college applications, but only ever turned in two. One, my mum drove down on the last possible day--to a college with rolling admissions--so they'd filled up by the time it got there. The second one I filled out and submitted (without anything other than the required pieces) online when I realized I had no other options. And I'd only chosen to do that one because it was the first one anyone brought up.
But there could be a lot of money coming out of this deal, which would be amazing. It could solve a lot of problems. All I can do really, is hope.
This whole past weekend I've been really depressed. Have you ever been in one of those situations where you can feel it eating you alive from the inside? It tears of piece by tiny piece and chews it slowly. Each and every day a little bit more of you is dead, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. I feel terrible complaining, because I'm not even bearing the brunt of it. There are others who are suffering far more than I am, but I stand on the sidelines and wish that there was somehow I could alleviate just an ounce of everyone else's pain. There isn't though, nothing I am capable of could halt or even slow the situation. I can't be a hero. I'm only able to force myself to stay on the outside and cause no further suffering. But all that does is hurt me more. I can't even escape it more than mentally and even more than that, just for a few hours at a time. This past weekend, I didn't even leave my house. I made some plans, but circumstances beyond my control prevented them from happening. So I went for a walk, I went for a drive, I practiced tai chi, and beyond that I just sat on the couch and played video games. I created another world that I could pretend I was a part of, for only a little while, so I could stop thinking about everything.
On the other hand, my personal problems are slowly falling away. Yes, I get frustrated with school and some of the things that take place around me, but the quantity of good things outweighs the number of bad. Today in the mail, I received notification that people wanted to use one of my poems in a new recording along with an authorization form. Not only did I sign and initial in all the right places, but I managed to put it into the envelope and get it all the way back to the mailbox. I know it's not an amazing feat, but it's something I hardly ever accomplished before. In the past, I was always able to plan and prepare for the future, but never move toward it. I filled out so many college applications, but only ever turned in two. One, my mum drove down on the last possible day--to a college with rolling admissions--so they'd filled up by the time it got there. The second one I filled out and submitted (without anything other than the required pieces) online when I realized I had no other options. And I'd only chosen to do that one because it was the first one anyone brought up.
But there could be a lot of money coming out of this deal, which would be amazing. It could solve a lot of problems. All I can do really, is hope.