(no subject)
i hate him. i hate how he makes me feel. i hate hating him, but nothing else seems plausible at this point. i never imagined it would come to this. to the point where the mere knowledge of his existence would awaken in me a hatred that i fear i will never be able to supress. after all he had done i tried to just let it go, i tried so hard to brush it off. i would say it was just him, that was how he was, and there was nothing i could do. i was wrong. there was something i could have done, i should have done. i should have done things differently, i should have escaped before it was too late, before i felt so dead. inside and out. they say time will stop, or at least diminish, the pain and the hate. but part of me doesn't want it to go away, at least not yet. part of me wants to feel nothing, to be empty once again and not have to worry about so much shit that will just be meaningless in the end anyways. then theres the little part left that's fighting to keep the good feelings afloat. to bring them above the hate and the perpetual want of emptyness. i hope it wins. i hope it wins soon, because i fear that it is quickly running out of the energy that has kept it fighting for so long.