They were right about you.
This last week has been such a struggle for me. I've been so insanely stressed out and feeling horrible about myself. It was bad enough that I actually broke down and cried in front of my parents on Wednesday night! I have no memory of, or even a guess as to when, the last time something like that has happened. It just doesn't happen.
I have a C in trig. I really shouldn't, but I do. I'm VERY upset about this. I thought I got an A on the test, but apparently I got a low D. I really wanted a hug and some one to tell me that I could fix it, but I pretty much got yelling, stomping, and door slamming. Then suddenly missing school, and trig, to go to Ohio with the drumline became a problem.
I've failed to meet my parents expectations, I've failed to meet his expectations, but most importantly, I've failed to meet my own expectations. I've been faced with nothing but criticism recently. I feel like I've disappointed everyone and I feel horrible about it and myself. I admit, however, that I tend to be a bit hard on myself.
I'm beginning to have less and less hope for the future. Just two weeks ago I had such huge hopes and I was really excited for all that the future would be bringing. I was so frustrated because I felt so trapped in the present. But now I fear that the future will bring nothing but disappointment. I find myself fearing the future and desperately trying to cling to the past and those moments that I had been trying to escape.
I've also felt increasingly disconnected in the last week. I feel really detached. I'm not a part of this. I'm not in control. Life just happens to me, I don't live it.
All week I felt like people were slowly tip-toeing out of my life, but I was mistaken. They were running.
I try to be a good person. I try to be nice. I try to do the right thing. I go out of my way to do something, and despite it being the very thing some one wants to be done, it's disregarded because they would have taken a slightly different path getting there. Fuck that. I feel like alot of the things I do go unnoticed and that my efforts are under appreciated. But maybe I'm just stupid, or something.
I hate how I'm always "wrong" to feel as I do. I hate how I always have to explain myself, and I hate how I always have to apologize for everything. I shouldn't. The blame isn't all mine to take.
I normally just shrug it off. Just say, "meh, whatever." I don't let it bother me, and it's fine. At least for awhile, until I find myself in over my head. That's where I found myself this week a few times. I won't go into listing all of the things bothering me, but it all was completely overwhelming. And ya know what? I'm not okay. I'm pretty passive, but I'm certainly not emotionless.
I didn't get much sleep this week and I suppose that helped me to exaggerate things in my mind. I really wanted nothing more than to just get away. And I did, a few times. Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and last night. I thank those of you who helped me to smile, I thank those of you who listened, and I thank those of you who just helped me to forget.
So far this has been a mess of past and present tense and really just horrible writing. I suppose it kind of reflects how I'm feeling. After spending some time with Addison and Steve last night, a lot of the things I've struggled with recently have faded, or seemed so insignificant I felt silly writing about it. Unfortunately, all is not well, yet.
But..
I've got to stop myself. I haven't updated in so long and all I do is complain. Blagh. My life isn't completely negative things. There are some things that are going well and quite a few things that I'm excited about.
I'm excited about Blue Shades, State science fair, Ohio, Spring Break...
And! Apparently a spanish amity aid needs a home starting in April. Assuming things work out, she'll be living with us. Next year a girl from Germany will be coming to Coon Rapids as a foreign exchange student and hopefully staying at our house as well.
I owe my parents 20 hours of labor. Normally this would be a bad thing but so far it's been good. The closet, cabinets, and drawers in my office have all been cleaned up and that disgusting fish tank is gone. And so is my gold fish from the carnival at Hoover elementary. I may be a bad fish owner, but I sure kept that thing alive for a long time. My fish is now currently living with Steve. And because I'm paying my parents back in cleaning and such, I won't be poor any longer. As of two Saturdays ago, my europe and bass clarinet debts were completely payed off. I can afford things again.
But the best thing has got to be the fact that my mom is not out to ruin life for me. I'm shocked. And best thing number two... I have 30 boxes of girl scout cookies to eat.
I am sorry.
I have a C in trig. I really shouldn't, but I do. I'm VERY upset about this. I thought I got an A on the test, but apparently I got a low D. I really wanted a hug and some one to tell me that I could fix it, but I pretty much got yelling, stomping, and door slamming. Then suddenly missing school, and trig, to go to Ohio with the drumline became a problem.
I've failed to meet my parents expectations, I've failed to meet his expectations, but most importantly, I've failed to meet my own expectations. I've been faced with nothing but criticism recently. I feel like I've disappointed everyone and I feel horrible about it and myself. I admit, however, that I tend to be a bit hard on myself.
I'm beginning to have less and less hope for the future. Just two weeks ago I had such huge hopes and I was really excited for all that the future would be bringing. I was so frustrated because I felt so trapped in the present. But now I fear that the future will bring nothing but disappointment. I find myself fearing the future and desperately trying to cling to the past and those moments that I had been trying to escape.
I've also felt increasingly disconnected in the last week. I feel really detached. I'm not a part of this. I'm not in control. Life just happens to me, I don't live it.
All week I felt like people were slowly tip-toeing out of my life, but I was mistaken. They were running.
I try to be a good person. I try to be nice. I try to do the right thing. I go out of my way to do something, and despite it being the very thing some one wants to be done, it's disregarded because they would have taken a slightly different path getting there. Fuck that. I feel like alot of the things I do go unnoticed and that my efforts are under appreciated. But maybe I'm just stupid, or something.
I hate how I'm always "wrong" to feel as I do. I hate how I always have to explain myself, and I hate how I always have to apologize for everything. I shouldn't. The blame isn't all mine to take.
I normally just shrug it off. Just say, "meh, whatever." I don't let it bother me, and it's fine. At least for awhile, until I find myself in over my head. That's where I found myself this week a few times. I won't go into listing all of the things bothering me, but it all was completely overwhelming. And ya know what? I'm not okay. I'm pretty passive, but I'm certainly not emotionless.
I didn't get much sleep this week and I suppose that helped me to exaggerate things in my mind. I really wanted nothing more than to just get away. And I did, a few times. Tuesday night, Wednesday night, and last night. I thank those of you who helped me to smile, I thank those of you who listened, and I thank those of you who just helped me to forget.
So far this has been a mess of past and present tense and really just horrible writing. I suppose it kind of reflects how I'm feeling. After spending some time with Addison and Steve last night, a lot of the things I've struggled with recently have faded, or seemed so insignificant I felt silly writing about it. Unfortunately, all is not well, yet.
But..
I've got to stop myself. I haven't updated in so long and all I do is complain. Blagh. My life isn't completely negative things. There are some things that are going well and quite a few things that I'm excited about.
I'm excited about Blue Shades, State science fair, Ohio, Spring Break...
And! Apparently a spanish amity aid needs a home starting in April. Assuming things work out, she'll be living with us. Next year a girl from Germany will be coming to Coon Rapids as a foreign exchange student and hopefully staying at our house as well.
I owe my parents 20 hours of labor. Normally this would be a bad thing but so far it's been good. The closet, cabinets, and drawers in my office have all been cleaned up and that disgusting fish tank is gone. And so is my gold fish from the carnival at Hoover elementary. I may be a bad fish owner, but I sure kept that thing alive for a long time. My fish is now currently living with Steve. And because I'm paying my parents back in cleaning and such, I won't be poor any longer. As of two Saturdays ago, my europe and bass clarinet debts were completely payed off. I can afford things again.
But the best thing has got to be the fact that my mom is not out to ruin life for me. I'm shocked. And best thing number two... I have 30 boxes of girl scout cookies to eat.
I am sorry.