ITs been a long time
I know there is something I should say
but how to say it.
I should have looked up the last entry to get a good laugh at where I have left the documentation of my life.
Its always a good laugh to see where I was, and how I operated. the really sad part is I think I used to be more intelligent. I think somewhere long the way while I tried to gain more confidence I substituted too much for BULLSHIT. And now I am swimming in it.
I guess I cant write enough about how disappointed in myself I am. I dont really know what happened. I for some reason have a confused smile as I write this, because somehow all I can do is laugh at what I currently am.
I guess I will shoot some affirmations out so my future self can remember something redeeming about this point in my life.
There is ONE thing I KNOW~
I am and always have been an AWESOME girlfriend. I have always been a better girlfriend than a friend. I think that is the one role I have never really had to force myself to work at. It is at the point where my life begins to unravel in all other arenas that I must break this role or be hospitalized.
The hilarious thing about this LACK OF BALANCE I have in my life is that : IF ASKED I do know all the answers. And some of the answers ARE that there is no ONE solution. I know right from wrong. I know success from failure. Though It is one thing to KNOW and another thing to ACT. Obviously an AGE OLD philosophy.
And still. I feel no more full today than yesterday.
What keeps me afloat is BEING a Girlfriend. I have quite a nack for meeting Kind, Sweet, Romantic, FAMILY guys that would give me the world if I asked for it. Being able to give care to someone who will reciprocate it is a feeling unlike any other. I love the look of christmas in their eyes if I rub their back, or make them dinner, or travel across town late at night just to say HOW WAS YOUR DAY and I LOVE YOU. I love that. When they feel loved and special. I love being the one making that possible.
But then there comes a point where the way they look at me doesnt flatter me anymore. Because I can no longer see myself the way they see me. I wonder if they are just totally blind to my apathy. And though it has almost totally consumed me It still remains my BIGGEST and Most Repulsive characteristic in anyone. As I slip deeper and deeper into this Apathetic coma fear starts to palpitate with the numbness. Now the role that I love so much become a LIFE LINE and not a Luxury.
I am so disgusted with my actions and myself that it is beginning to hurt to say, "I LOVE YOU". Its almost an insult coming from me now. But he still looks at me with such adoration and continues to tell me how UNWORTHY HE IS OF MY Being. I guess in a way the respect I had for their judgment begins to wane. Like how can you make good choices in life when you picked me to stand beside you and I am not doing anything to be proud of.
I love you.... When I can think such negative things and have so many doubts how can anyone say YES I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. The point is How can they know me enough and trust me enough when i dont feel trustworthy or stable or reliable
I dont know, are these just lines that lonely people feed to strangers to feel better about their path in life. Make someone else happy so it can make you feel better about who you are.
This is getting so Cynical. I dont mean to be. I just have a numbing head ache from YouTubing all day whilst my homework lays sprawled around me as it has for days and may for a few more. Even though I know the course deadline is around the corner and all hope seems gone. I am just not moving. Completely Frozen. And i cant quite flip the switch to be the OLD ME again. That would NEVER have let this happen.
I have a HUGE Job interview coming up in HUNGARY. It is kind of a beacon of light. I have been dreaming about this so much I can almost taste it. Its one of those fortuitous dreams similar to previous ones that have changed my life. I am filled with a suprising amount of certainty that this is my destiny....
Once again I hope Bullshit will be enough to save me. Long enough to bring me to my next adventure, and hopefully my True Self. Whom I miss. The one that was full of curiosity, life and vigor.
I want to be the person I see is possible.
Tomorrow is a new day.
On a side note. Michal and I have been together for about 6 months. I believe this will crush him more than anything he has ever known if I leave for this job. I feel like this Chapter is Ending in Slovakia and I have to leave to keep the progression of my lifes story going in the right direction. But it breaks my heart, because he is a beautiful soul that deserves the love of pure stable honesty... and that is something that I am not yet capable to give.