WTF
I spend most of my day waiting for mail that never arrives
I am so consumed with the idea that someone wants to talk to me
that I dont do anything to really talk about. Or basically brag about.
This is the age where parents want to brag about there children.
How successful and productive they are.
I used to be a pretty awesome achiever. Doing Doing.. Going GOING
ANd then 18 hit and everything went down hill. FOr the last 3 years I have just been slipping further and further down.
I am rating the scale on the occurence of modivation. I have just gotten myself into one screwed up mess to another.
At least I keep taking chances... but to be totally honest I have no idea what I am doing other than beating myself up.
BEcause if I learned something useful... today would be better than yesterday.
But I still do the same old lazy stupid shit.
My passion is dying.
That which I used to rejoyce in gives me less of a rush, or has left me completely
That which I must do is slowed by contemplation of "what if"s and "I wish"s
My parents are now starting to turn on me. And rightfully so. I am totally mooching off of them.
The sad part is I can finally identify and take responsibility for the fact that I am NOT moving at this point in my life... but I cant seem to lite a fire under my ass big enough to stay on task.
Usually my solution is to move again... and again and agian... until there is a sign. SOmething clicks. I get some message from GOD saying- Obviously this is your purpose.
I think everyone eventually will find it. And I know I will find mine, but I have no idea what is going on inside me.
That is the most frustrating of all.
And I willprobably check this entry a couple more times today. WAiting for a comment... from somone who doesnt really now me.... or has a life that is far more importatn than the up keep in LJ... but I wish somethign was different. I wish the way I am was different.
SOmehow everything came together wrong.
But when you are down and out... all you have to do it get up... and I have fallen and fallen and fallen.... but I know that I will walk soon.
SO I guess I just keep acting like a dumb ass until this wears off.
I need to get a job.