WHat is forever
I am finding it hard to breath again...
I started some Online dating... so see where that would take me. My main reason for doing it was to find some sort of spark in life. Something new. Well I have found some new things. One is 29 and a Swedish Satanist that works in a Candy Factory... and one is a 40 year old memorabilia Collector from MidLands England with a 15 year old son. BOth have proposed marriage within the first week of knowing each other.
Its really funny how you can go so long without ANYONE showing any sort of interest in you... and then the next minute you have numerous proposals for FOREVER. I really dont know how to handle myself in these situations....
I still love Ryan. But Something tells me that his life has already gottenen everything it needed from me. He is going to be happy. Whatever he does he is going to have a WONDERFUL and FULFILLED LIFE. I am envious of that.
I dont know... I dont want to get a big head on my shoulders, but I am sure there are a lot of people who probably think I am just LIVING THE LIFE in Europe. I Guess there is SOME basis to that... but I have no focus, no direction, and no drive. Everything is is stirring inside me... but when it comes to releasing and taking the world by storm.... I just dont know where to begin.
I could run away with some guy. Get Married. Pop out a kid. Get some Experience in some random field and possibly be happy.
I could move to NEW YORK or Chicago and Start a new life. Fresh. With people who speak english... but will probably have the government knock on my door telling me to give them half of my soul.
I could actually try to excell at college and let that led me into my next adventure... however EVERYDAY that I wake up... I just dont do it. Its not that I dont want to do it... its that when my eyes should be reading text... they are lifelessly skimming the pages and retaining next to nothing.... I have had a long talk with my eyeballs... to no avail.
Nothign feels right anymore. Nothing has felt right for a long time.
THe best feeling that I can remember is going to sleep in Ryans arms. If the world could have been still... everything would have worked out perfectly. But the world is not still. I am not Still...... who is going to move with me..... how long do I have to wait.
How does one motivate themselves.....
I need to change something.
I colored my hair red to try to inspire me... but now I just hate looking at myself. i hate for other people to look at me.
I feel like a freak of nature.