new years..... resolution?
its so weird, because for the longest time...ok... since my brother's wedding in august 2003, i decided that i wasn't going to smoke pot or drink, at all. it was sort of like a new school resolution, cuz i knew i wasn't allowed that stuff at maxwell.. but after awhile, i kind of lost my motivation, in that i couldn't really figure out why i was holding myself back. it wasn't like i couldn't just find ways to do those things during my times away from maxwell (campus at least) and i know i wasn't morally opposed to smoking, or drinking. i got occasional cravings, but it wasn't anything too bad. but i just kept on holding out, because i guess i was impressed by my own ability to not do those things for however long, over 2 years. over this winter break, i have found myself surrounded by opportunities for drinking and smoking more than ever, and its been weird, because i have kept on stopping myself, but more than anything it was just that i had managed for so long without it, i might as well keep going. last night tho, i was chilling with my brothers, and one was about to go out and smoke a joint, and i was just looking at it and thinking like "what the fuck? i really want to smoke. i'm going to smoke. why don't i? this is probably the safest situation i could be in to get high, and this could be my last chance in awhile" so i went out to the back porch and got high with my brothers.. well at least one of them who actually smoked. it was nice.. i mean, i couldn't remember what it was like before because it had been so long, but last night, i was just, well everything was slow.. we thought it would be funny to play scrabble, so we did, and it took me about 3 times longer than usual to like.. place my letters on the board and whatnot. i was really slow with my reactions to things, and then i just got really hungry. i hate about 6 pieces of toast and some fudge, and then my brother told me to stop eating. then i got really tired and went to sleep. it was just... nice! like it kinda made me feel stupid for stopping myself all break, there were so many times i could have had an odd beer, joint, toasted at midnight with something other than sparkling pear juice.. i dunno. i dunno how i feel, if i am really going to get back into this. it's just something i have been thinking about, and trying to really figure out what my feelings are on it, cuz its stupid for me to not do any of these things when i want to when i don't really have any personal motivation not to. ok, anyways, that's it. i'm frustrated, cuz i can't access Myspace from this computer, and that's pretty much the only thing i want to do right now cuz i dont really have anything else to do, and i got like 12 myspace emails saying i have messages and comments on there. but i can't read them, obviously, so i am killing time writing on here:D