this has no real train of thought
i dont feel better.
i feel empty
i feel vulnerable and broken and anxious. but it's not how i want to feel. ive discovered that there is good vulnerability, brokeness and ansiousness... but right now, it just hurts. it hurts that i couldn't say it. i wanted it in person.
i've admitted so much to myself this past semester. i've hurt so much. but i've grown so much. I wish I could show it. and not seem a mess. It went by fast, I let myself go, nothing i did HURT me more than if i didn't do it. the only thing i regret is the si but it made me realize that i don't ever want to go back there. it's not even an option anymore. since that night its been done.. DONE.
I think if I hadn't allowed myself to fall so low, I wouldn't have gotten to that layer. it's so up and down. I gave up 'christianity' as i knew it and by allowing myself to fall, to question it all, to look in myself, to get to that layer, and eventually comeback to Jesus I gained so much more. I have a whole new perspective on Christianity.
I'm accepting my brokenness. That does not mean I don't want to continue to get better. However, I'm realizing now more than ever that it is a process. and it won't be easy. But I can do it.
I'm learning what Jesus really means by 'love your neighbor as thyself'
I'm learning about loving myself and knowing myself and being okay with where i am.
I'm learning about loving others-- EVERYONE.
I'm learning a lot about sin
at a school with a large homosexual population, as a Christian is was hard. being told that homosexuality is wrong. It's a sin. They're all going to hell. It really bothered me to hear that. But what bothered me more was to one day realize that I had started thinking like that. And it was a reality check. Who am I to judge them? I'm no one. I have to right to be able to look down on homosexualities. Even if I do consider it a sin, how can I judge their sin worse than any of mine? I can't. It really bothers me that the two moral issues that are stereotyped as Christian values regard abortion and homosexualities. I seriously feel like it comes down to "As a Christian those are the sins I'm not convicted of, let's focus on those rather than any of mine. let's take the focus off of me, and how I fall short" I feel like it's just a way to feel better about our own sins by putting the spotlight on these two. And that honestly bugs me so much. As humans we are ALL sinners, and we are called to love EVERYONE.
And if we bring politics in, i get even more frustrated. This is something that i've been thinking about since last summer. The role of religion in politics. The "religious right" and right-wing evangelicals and the fundamentalists. Can you imagine the reactions when I say I am both a Christian and a liberal. Yes, I do believe that the Bible is the word of God. and Yes, I am pro-peace, pro-environment, and I am pro-life. I have liberal goals that I see through a conservative lens. What can I say? Yes, I'm Christian but I don't think policy reform should instill my values on other people. I believe the only way to change the world is by changing the hearts of the people. Show people Jesus and then watch the world change. Don't change the laws, it won't do anything unless the people have changed as well. action is only good when it is done voluntarilty. I have a heart for the present. I have a heart for the broken. I have a heart for the vulnerable, The people suffering in Darfur, the people suffering from aids in Africa, the poor in third world countries. And I believe Jesus cares about them too. I think as Christians, living in the image of Jesus, we should stop judging and condeming others and open our hearts up to the world. And while I'm at school taking classes that tell me how screwed up the world is, all I personally want to do it fix it. So is being politically liberal so bad? I feel like we need to break down the party lines and begin to have an honest conversation about faith and politics. I have since last summer read a number of good things. I was so excited when I read Obama's 'call for renewal' keynote address. (http://obama.senate.gov/speech/060628-call_to_renewal_keynote_address/index.html). And I'm am completely behind him for president in '08. And if you ever get the chance to read his book.. DO IT. and God's Politics is another good book, kinda repetitive but good. And finally, this past week I read Blue like Jazz and while reading that book, I felt like I could relate to most of the people in it. It was amazing. read it. GO.
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