(no subject)
You turn on a spindle. You are so much looser now but you're not explaining how you gained such new repose. I touch the clasp of your locket, with it's picture held, some secret you wouldn't tell but let it choke your neck. So we imagine a darkness where all shapes divide. Solids changing into light, with a burst of heat so bright. Well fine. Don't you do what I want you to. Don't degrade yourself the way I do because you don't depend on all the shit that I use to make my moods imporsve. Near a sea of pianos, there were waves of chords that crashed against the shore in one huge and pointless roar. And there were girls bringing water, like a dream they came to cure the fever of my brain, and soothe my burning throat. And they made me a necklace. Hanging beads of sweat on a string of my regrets. And placed it round my neck and they were singing, "Don't you do what you've wanted to. Yeah. Don't destroy yourself like those cowards do...and maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you and your constant need for proof."
Perhaps a bad time to buy Bright Eyes and let it continually repeat in my car, but it's so beautiful. Once past the initial dissonance it becomes so raw and touching. At times it may be disturbing but it always reaches deeply into me. Like so much else in my life, I suppose. I would not say that I am unhappy. That would be inaccurate at best. But I still do not understand how one who is so happy all of the time can spend so much time feeling so sad. It's a puzzle of sorts that I have been trying to untangle like a ball of yarn for years that twist around in my head so that I can not think of where it all began. Or where I began, for that matter. I do not know what I have become and harder still to find the truth because I have completely lost sight of what I was. I remember who I was because I am still the same person. Inside not much has changed. I was lucky enough to become comfortable with my flaws and my faults along with my strengths long enough ago that I have felt no driving need to turn myself inside out, to rediscover or reinvent. But my exterior, my demeanor changes with the breeze sometimes and Chicago gets so cold in Winter.
Today started out with such joy and hope. It hasn't all fled me. The light is coming back. It proved itself to me this morning. Even the long cold night can not keep it away forever. I'm certain that it sounds terribly silly of me, but the light returning each year always brings me hope. And the longest night always brings with it some fear. Of course I know that the light will come back, as certainly as this earth turns, but the sense of renewal is intense for me. So is the sense of scrutiny. This is the time for me to think of those things that I do not have and remember those that can not be with me. I lit the candles for each of them, but will nobody light a candle for me? I'm not talking about someday when I am gone from this, I mean now. I'm making no sense...
Perhaps a bad time to buy Bright Eyes and let it continually repeat in my car, but it's so beautiful. Once past the initial dissonance it becomes so raw and touching. At times it may be disturbing but it always reaches deeply into me. Like so much else in my life, I suppose. I would not say that I am unhappy. That would be inaccurate at best. But I still do not understand how one who is so happy all of the time can spend so much time feeling so sad. It's a puzzle of sorts that I have been trying to untangle like a ball of yarn for years that twist around in my head so that I can not think of where it all began. Or where I began, for that matter. I do not know what I have become and harder still to find the truth because I have completely lost sight of what I was. I remember who I was because I am still the same person. Inside not much has changed. I was lucky enough to become comfortable with my flaws and my faults along with my strengths long enough ago that I have felt no driving need to turn myself inside out, to rediscover or reinvent. But my exterior, my demeanor changes with the breeze sometimes and Chicago gets so cold in Winter.
Today started out with such joy and hope. It hasn't all fled me. The light is coming back. It proved itself to me this morning. Even the long cold night can not keep it away forever. I'm certain that it sounds terribly silly of me, but the light returning each year always brings me hope. And the longest night always brings with it some fear. Of course I know that the light will come back, as certainly as this earth turns, but the sense of renewal is intense for me. So is the sense of scrutiny. This is the time for me to think of those things that I do not have and remember those that can not be with me. I lit the candles for each of them, but will nobody light a candle for me? I'm not talking about someday when I am gone from this, I mean now. I'm making no sense...