That wasn't what I expected.
I had the strangest conversation. I would repost (anonymously) a portion of it here, but I can't find a way to do it that would ensure the anonymity of the other party, so I won't unless I get permission. You know who you are all the same, which in the end is all that matters. I don't know what to think, and I don't know how I want to be right now or what my reaction is. Of course, I said that too. I think I can safely quote myself at this point. "I am, I believe, a dangerous person in some ways, which is why 'dangerous ground' is a phrase which bears repeating. And at this time, I can not fully clarify on what grounds the feelings and impulses I have lie."
In short, I'm trouble, with a metaphorical capital T. Especially right now. I'm insane, I'm unstable, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm imbalanced, I'm worried, and I don't know what I want -- I just know it's to not feel like I do in general these days. And I know at least part of what I feel right now is my desire to help, usually self-sacrificially. It satisfies the martyr and the philanthropist, the two of whom compromise the largest parts of me. If I know someone needs something, I want to give it to them. So factor that one in too.
This is what I know I want: balance, hope, understanding, freedom from fear, adventure, excitement (a Jedi craves not these things), attention, desire, affection, inebriation (in many senses, including but not limited to being drunk on alcohol and being drunk on people), friendship, closeness, charity, understanding, consideration, support, peace, honesty, contentment, sleep, and did I mention understanding? Beyond that, I don't really know, and I can't tell you if or when I'll figure it out.
And the whole time, this has been in my head:
"It's misery made beautiful right before your eyes..."
along with:
"...they can say it's the company that I keep, so they never have to believe in the tears I weep... I'm gonna surprise them all because I've already moved along... it's got to be your own decision... one more chance is all I'll promise to provide and circumstances choose for those who can't decide ..."
(really, if you're that interested in the sources, google it.)
PS - Person involved in the conversation noted above, please note the current music, and check the lyrics.
In short, I'm trouble, with a metaphorical capital T. Especially right now. I'm insane, I'm unstable, I'm confused, I'm scared, I'm imbalanced, I'm worried, and I don't know what I want -- I just know it's to not feel like I do in general these days. And I know at least part of what I feel right now is my desire to help, usually self-sacrificially. It satisfies the martyr and the philanthropist, the two of whom compromise the largest parts of me. If I know someone needs something, I want to give it to them. So factor that one in too.
This is what I know I want: balance, hope, understanding, freedom from fear, adventure, excitement (a Jedi craves not these things), attention, desire, affection, inebriation (in many senses, including but not limited to being drunk on alcohol and being drunk on people), friendship, closeness, charity, understanding, consideration, support, peace, honesty, contentment, sleep, and did I mention understanding? Beyond that, I don't really know, and I can't tell you if or when I'll figure it out.
And the whole time, this has been in my head:
"It's misery made beautiful right before your eyes..."
along with:
"...they can say it's the company that I keep, so they never have to believe in the tears I weep... I'm gonna surprise them all because I've already moved along... it's got to be your own decision... one more chance is all I'll promise to provide and circumstances choose for those who can't decide ..."
(really, if you're that interested in the sources, google it.)
PS - Person involved in the conversation noted above, please note the current music, and check the lyrics.