(no subject)
hmmm I feel the need to do an actual update on this blasphemous journal, just because reading this thing as an outside viewer might give you the impression that I'm not okay, I'm not, but really this is just a thing I'm going through, not long lasting. At this moment I feel as if I'm not accomplishing anything, and all that I worked for in the last three years turned to shit, in three weeks, mostly and truthfully I'm writing this to state that it's not one thing setting me off, it's everything and anything that has happened. I'm one of those people that does not adapt to changes very well and needs a nice happy medium of indifference, unfortunately Im having a huge problem with indifference and as a result of barriers I have given myself throughout my life, all going away for some go forsaken reason I'm freaking out. It is not difficult to relocate these walls, I just have to live, and be without emotion until I no longer care about all the things going on in my life. I'm a very nostalgic person in the month of April and I'm close to all the things I ran away from two years ago, and they're coming back in three fold and as a result everything I have blocked so well is coming back to haunt me. I don't enjoy talking about my feelings, in fact I don't enjoy having these feelings, I never want to have people believe that they have to help me and I DON'T want to accept help. I'm lost and hurt right now, I miss my Mom, I don't know how I'm gonna see her on the 24th, I don't know why I still think of her 7 years after the fact, every fucking day, I miss having something to look forward to after work, I miss closeness, I miss being a good person, I want my Dad and Stepmom to call and say they love me, I want to be anywhere but a basement, I wanted my life to work out better for me, I want someone to want me to come home, I wanna be less poor, I need to be in university, I want to feel like I'm good at something. scratch that anything. I wanna wake up beside someone, I need to have honesty, I need to feel like I'm doing the right thing, I don't want to pretend i'm something I'm not anymore just so I can relate to friends, I wanna drink less, I want to be held, I want a good day, I would love to sleep more than three hours, I wanna get rid of angst, I wanna stop dwelling, I want to never read this journal entry. And mostly I don't want anyone to feel bad for me, or feel put off by my freak outs.