Breakfast of champions
I love days off when i get to wake up early, refreshed and alone it gives me the better part of the morning to walk around half naked and half do all the thing's I want and need to do and overdue all the things I always do (like showering for example... holy wrinkly) I also get to enjoy the little things like how great pesto mayo and butter really go together and with orange juice to boot. Fully off topic but I have officially made the grossest sandwich ever taste good... check it out, multi bread, butter, mayo, pesto, FAKE MEAT, tomatos and havarti cheese... so ridiculously good... anyways next topic
SO I wrote this terribly long post that was just about the bitterish shit I have ever written in my life.. it was worse than most 9 year old girls angsty poetry of how she hates showering. I was BITTER. but it never came up which is kind of weird because I feel almost as if some live jounal goddess was all like.. you do not want to have people read this not only will you be locked up but most of your friends and family will end up hating you and you'll actually being saying the truth now. I think I will sum up the journal with a song due to the fact I absolutely despise writing and then losing it. It's lke an email gone wrong at the last sec. Spent two hours writing it but you KNOW you will never write it again and possibly not talk to the peron for another six months in order to avoid having to conjur up the same emotions about your school grades... so yeah I'm hella off topic girl today so with much adu-
it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined, stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace
but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself
and said it was for the best
so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was
now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn
the more i can't understand
and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say "it's for the best."
we're moving forward, but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on something that will never come
and if I have to explain it one more time I will be put back in that hugely bitter mind frame which I really really don't want to.
SO I quit smoking again.. something about three times a charm and $80 a week that I'm not sure what I could spend it on but Im sure it's better than carcinogens. I realy hate quiting though because when I smoke I only think about it when I need a cigarette or when I am stressed out. But I swear to god it's been four days and I have not once stopped thinking about having a smoke... it's ridiculous, I mean I have full respect for anyone who has actually completely quit.. anything ever.. tha tis addictive. It really is that hard. I need to thik of other things, and usually when i think of other things, even things as banal as eating crispers and listening to the weakerthans.. I don't know what gave me that idea, I will be thinking about having a smoke while doing it. I will prevail pending on if i can convince people to respect me enough not to smoke in my presance or house (easier said than done) I tell you addictions no matter how odd like internet or smoking or chocolate really do change you. I guarentee if it was someone other than me quitting smoking I don't know how I'd react.
That little niche in my conversation was brought on by my ex vancouver experience I had with a roomate and an old friend both of whom I considered some of the closest people to me of all time and who in all likliness I would become some day. I mean she taught me how to play fucking guitar. That is one of my saving graces in my life and my ONLY outlet out of my stupid life. But being with them made me realize just how much I have changed. I mean I still love her, at least, to death but I now see the bad and good sides, the things other friends tried to tell me about when I was down there. I haven't jeard the term coke thrown out so many times in a five minute conversation since I lived there. I even mention ecstacy and I'm convinced I'm gonna lose two friends if I even touch or look at it here. I miss being rowdy but how detrimental was some of the shit her and I did, how many times am I lucky to be alive. I biked through the back alleys in stanley park (where all the murders are commited and the roads wind and you can't see a fucking thing) at 3 in the morning without reflectors drunk off my ass to the point I have no idea how I was still on the bike and then almost got killed skinny sipping by raccoons.) how many relationships have I almost lost because I didn't care enogh or got so wrapped up in this life. I have never had so much fun, I've never been so poor or so unhappy or happy in the last three months of living there. looking back now after everything I know that I loved the first part of Vancouver rather than the end (was there really any doubt) I will always be thankfull I got a second chance before I fucked up my life royally. what would have happened had I of actually done the drugs rather than commited the crimes. How bad would I of been how alive would i be. I tried to scrap a prostitute I mean honestly I was fucked up.
SO I wrote this terribly long post that was just about the bitterish shit I have ever written in my life.. it was worse than most 9 year old girls angsty poetry of how she hates showering. I was BITTER. but it never came up which is kind of weird because I feel almost as if some live jounal goddess was all like.. you do not want to have people read this not only will you be locked up but most of your friends and family will end up hating you and you'll actually being saying the truth now. I think I will sum up the journal with a song due to the fact I absolutely despise writing and then losing it. It's lke an email gone wrong at the last sec. Spent two hours writing it but you KNOW you will never write it again and possibly not talk to the peron for another six months in order to avoid having to conjur up the same emotions about your school grades... so yeah I'm hella off topic girl today so with much adu-
it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined, stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace
but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself
and said it was for the best
so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was
now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn
the more i can't understand
and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say "it's for the best."
we're moving forward, but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on something that will never come
and if I have to explain it one more time I will be put back in that hugely bitter mind frame which I really really don't want to.
SO I quit smoking again.. something about three times a charm and $80 a week that I'm not sure what I could spend it on but Im sure it's better than carcinogens. I realy hate quiting though because when I smoke I only think about it when I need a cigarette or when I am stressed out. But I swear to god it's been four days and I have not once stopped thinking about having a smoke... it's ridiculous, I mean I have full respect for anyone who has actually completely quit.. anything ever.. tha tis addictive. It really is that hard. I need to thik of other things, and usually when i think of other things, even things as banal as eating crispers and listening to the weakerthans.. I don't know what gave me that idea, I will be thinking about having a smoke while doing it. I will prevail pending on if i can convince people to respect me enough not to smoke in my presance or house (easier said than done) I tell you addictions no matter how odd like internet or smoking or chocolate really do change you. I guarentee if it was someone other than me quitting smoking I don't know how I'd react.
That little niche in my conversation was brought on by my ex vancouver experience I had with a roomate and an old friend both of whom I considered some of the closest people to me of all time and who in all likliness I would become some day. I mean she taught me how to play fucking guitar. That is one of my saving graces in my life and my ONLY outlet out of my stupid life. But being with them made me realize just how much I have changed. I mean I still love her, at least, to death but I now see the bad and good sides, the things other friends tried to tell me about when I was down there. I haven't jeard the term coke thrown out so many times in a five minute conversation since I lived there. I even mention ecstacy and I'm convinced I'm gonna lose two friends if I even touch or look at it here. I miss being rowdy but how detrimental was some of the shit her and I did, how many times am I lucky to be alive. I biked through the back alleys in stanley park (where all the murders are commited and the roads wind and you can't see a fucking thing) at 3 in the morning without reflectors drunk off my ass to the point I have no idea how I was still on the bike and then almost got killed skinny sipping by raccoons.) how many relationships have I almost lost because I didn't care enogh or got so wrapped up in this life. I have never had so much fun, I've never been so poor or so unhappy or happy in the last three months of living there. looking back now after everything I know that I loved the first part of Vancouver rather than the end (was there really any doubt) I will always be thankfull I got a second chance before I fucked up my life royally. what would have happened had I of actually done the drugs rather than commited the crimes. How bad would I of been how alive would i be. I tried to scrap a prostitute I mean honestly I was fucked up.