H/D fic: Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex (1/2)

[icicle33]

Title: Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex

Author: 
icicle33
Rating: R/NC-17

Word count: ~7500

Pairings: Harry/Draco (established relationship), Ron/Hermione, Lucius/Narcissa

Warnings: M/M relationship,  a ridiculous amount of fluff, humour, crack, failed kinky sex, role-playing, spanking, an overabundance of cliches, and an overly smitten and somewhat thick Harry

Summary: Harry and Draco are the golden couple of the wizarding world and absolutely head over heels for each other. When Draco realises that everyone is having wild, kinky monkey sex but him, he demands that Harry and him try it as well. Things don't go as planned. Apparently, not every couple is cut out for kinky monkey sex much to Draco's dismay.

A/N:  This fic is a belated birthday present for 
ashiiblack, and I had only shared it with her for ages. However, she loved it and convinced me to share it with everyone else too. The story spawned from Ashii's idea and our conversation of being tired of the Harry and Draco cliché of them always having kinky sex and being sex gods. This time, they fail at it comically and miserably. A special thank you to erised_dreamsfor the super quick beta job.
Enjoy.



~Wild, Kinky Monkey Sex~

~8~8~8~

Hermione put her mobile back in her purse and smiled. She was thrilled that Harry was both enjoying and using the latest wizarding imobile she had gifted him for Christmas, especially because Harry actually knew how to send texts and emails-unlike Ron, who always wound up just sending her indecipherable texts of random letters and numbers, and then getting snippy with her for not responding to his messages.

"Good news, dear," Hermione said, leaning over the table and patting her husband's hand. "Draco was able to get out of work early and now he'll be joining us too."

"Bollocks," Ron muttered under his breath, thinking that Hermione couldn't hear him. She rolled her eyes but decided to ignore his comment. For now. It had been so long since she had spent time with Harry that she wasn't going to let a childish argument with Ron ruin their evening; instead, she just turned back to her glass of wine, hoping that Harry and Draco would arrive soon.

"Does he have to?"

"Yes, Ronald." She sent him one of her most pointed glares and grinned wickedly once she noticed her husband's loud gulp and pinched look. It might have taken years, but she had trained him well. "Draco is Harry's partner in case you forgot."

"I know that-"

"Then I don't understand your problem. I thought you liked Draco now. You sure like him when he gives you Cannon tickets." She glowered at her husband again and dared him to argue.

"I like Malfoy just fine," Ron admitted, his voice only half surprised. "It's just that those two together make me nauseous. You'd think they'd be over it by now. It's been three bloody years...and they're always so sweet...especially Harry." Ron scrunched his nose distastefully and said the word sweet in the same hateful way that Draco always used to say Gryffindors or Blood Traitors. As if it were some type of disease.

"It's bloody disgusting, 'Mione."

"Honestly, Ron," she said in a warning tone, "don't be daft. They aren't that bad. And it's quite darling how smitten they are with each other." She took another sip of her wine and continued glaring at her husband the entire time. "You know everything that Harry has been through. You would think that as his best friend you would be glad that he has finally found some happiness."

Ron's cheeks reddened, two bright patches quickly spreading themselves down his pale freckled cheeks. Normally, Hermione thought it made him look adorable, not that she would ever tell him that, but right now it just annoyed her.

Ron grumbled. "Of course, I want Harry to be happy. I just don't understand why he has to be happy with that blond git. He messes with Harry's head. I'm really still not convinced Malfoy doesn't have Harry under some type of dark curse."

"RON-ALD!" Hermione crossed her arms and gave him a scathing look. He was in trouble now. Deep trouble. "That's a terrible thing to say and you know it. Draco is mad about Harry. He would never hurt him. Can't you finally be an adult and grow up? It's been years since Draco has been anything but kind to you."

"Fine." Ron pouted and slumped his shoulders. "But if Malfoy sits on Harry's lap again...I can't be held responsible for my actions."

Hermione sighed, exhaling much louder than necessary, and then motioned for the server. "We're going to need another bottle of wine as soon as possible."

As the waiter bowed and turned away from their table, she shouted after him, "On second thought, make it two please!"

~8~8~8~

"Harry! Draco! Over here," Hermione called, waving at the two men and greeting them with a warm smile. She noticed that they were holding hands, tightly, and wearing matching green ties and suits-Harry's black and Draco's grey. Her smile widened and she couldn't help but melt at how happy her best friend looked. Those two were adorable. Absolutely adorable. And so handsome too.

"Merlin's hairy balls!" Ron moaned, his brow creasing heavily and lips curling into a sneer. "They're wearing matching ties. Un-bloody-believable!"

Hermione kicked him under the table. "Be nice and behave!" she hissed. "If you don't, you'll be sleeping on the couch for at least a week." She scowled and pinched Ron's leg underneath the table to show her husband just how serious she was.

Ron tutted in response but didn't make any more snide comments.

"Hermione! Ron!" Harry called back with a huge smile plastered on his windswept face. As soon as she stood up from the table, he enveloped her in a bone-crushing hug and she kissed him on the forehead in return. After Harry finally released her, Draco kissed her on both cheeks and leaned in close to her ear, whispering, "You look gorgeous as usual, darling. The most ravishing witch here. Without a doubt."

"Oh, don't you start already!" Hermione smacked Draco on the arm, pretending to be annoyed, but secretly she was fighting back a blush. Nowadays, Draco was just as devastatingly charming as he used to be malicious and spiteful. If only he would have used his powers of persuasion for good rather than evil back at school, then their Hogwarts years might have been vastly different. And Harry would have been much happier.

Both boys greeted Ron with far less touching, and then much to Ron's relief, sat in separate chairs-although they did push their chairs together. While Hermione offered them both drinks, Draco wrapped a leg firmly around Harry's knee. Harry regarded him with a smitten smile, and then rested his head on Draco's shoulder much to Ron's dismay. Ron let out a low groan at that, so Hermione kicked him under the table again, reminding him of her previous threat.

"It's so nice to see you two," Hermione said, striking up a conversation before Ron started complaining about their closeness. "It's been way too long."

Harry sighed and picked his head off Draco's shoulder. "I know, 'Mione, we're sorry. We've just been busy, you know. I hope you're not angry." He turned towards Draco with a dreamy expression and Draco offered his own bright smile, leaning over to kiss Harry on the forehead.

"Nonsense," Draco said, his pale cheeks flushed brightly and eyes utterly amused, "don't lie to her, Harry. She's not stupid." He rolled his eyes, but squeezed Harry's hand to show that he was only teasing. "We've been hibernating, of course. This one," he jerked his head at Harry, "never wants to go out and just complains he's tired all the time."

"Hey," Harry whinged, "I am tired. My job's exhausting."

"Sure it is, darling." Draco patted Harry on the head dismissively, as if he were a pampered pet or small child. He turned to Hermione and said, "Excuses, excuses. Really he just wants to stay home on the couch and cuddle. Bloody soppy Gryffindors."

Harry pouted and widened his eyes, blinking his long, dark eyelashes at Draco. "Nuh...uh. You always want to stay in too, Draco. And when we do go out, you're the one who always drags me home in an hour."

Draco chuckled and then bent over to place a soft kiss on the tip of Harry's nose. "That's because you're so damn shaggable, Mr Potter. I just can't help myself."

"Mmm." Harry leaned in towards Draco and rubbed noses with him. "That's true. But you're more shaggable, Mr Malfoy." He pressed a chaste kiss on Draco's lips, and Hermione couldn't help but aw. Ron, on the other hand, muttered darkly under his breath.

"What was that, Ronald?" Draco asked, raising a perfectly groomed eyebrow at him.

Ron stared down at his glass of wine. "I said nice ties." His voice was dripping in sarcasm.

Draco narrowed his eyes at Ron and tensed his shoulders, but Harry seemed oblivious to the sarcasm and just smiled as he held up his green silk tie proudly.

"Thank you, it's actually Draco's," Harry explained, a wide smile still on his face. "I didn't see him all day and found his tie in my office, so I put it on." He stroked the tie with his fingers as if it were a precious treasure and then turned to face Draco. "I missed him a lot. We didn't get to have our afternoon firecall today since Draco had a meeting, so I put the tie on and pretended that Draco was close to me." He started to blush at the tips of his ears and cheeks, and whatever tension Draco had directed towards Ron instantly thawed. "It even smells like him," Harry whispered, his adoration for Draco evident in his voice.

Draco rewarded Harry with a smile so wide that it was blinding. "Oh, that's so cute," Draco cooed, wrapping his arms around Harry's neck. "I'm sorry you were lonely." He rested his forehead against Harry's and Harry's eyes brightened, gazing at Draco as if he were the only person in the room, perhaps even the universe.

"That's okay, baby," Harry said. "It wasn't your fault."

Hermione melted again, sighing at the two besotted boys in front of her. They were so bloody cute; she couldn't help but grin with them.

"Ugh. No!" Ron banged his fists on the table. "You have to stop or I won't be able to eat my dinner."

"What?" Harry asked, turning to look at Ron with a confused look on his face.

"You two are worse than a pair of Hufflepuff sixth years...Girls at that!"

Harry ran a hand through his hair and looked even more confused, turning to Hermione for an explanation.

"No, honestly, mate," Ron continued, his face slightly green, "you just called him baby...Malfoy is definitely not a baby. I don't even call Hermione baby."

Harry pushed out his bottom lip and widened his eyes; his big green eyes glassy and unblinking. Hermione could have sworn she saw his bottom lip quiver, and she was about this close to cursing Ron. Husband or not.

"But-" Harry said, looking at Ron as if he had just kicked his puppy.

"Now listen here, Weasley," Draco snapped, his voice full of that haughty sneer that reminded Hermione way too much of their school days. "Harry is my boyfriend...not yours. And I don't see how it's any of your business what he calls me." His eyes were narrowed and his mouth a tight line.

"Draco," Hermione said in her kindest voice, reaching over the table and wrapping his hand in her own, "don't. Let me deal with him. He is mine after all." Draco nodded at her and then she turned her wrath on her idiot of a husband. "Ron, how dare you! Apologise right now." She crossed her arms and sent him her sternest look, mentally telling him that he should shut his mouth before she shut it for him.

At least Ron had the good sense to look ashamed, now hanging his head. "Sorry," he muttered, still looking down at the table.

Harry continued blinking at him, as he had for the last minute, but didn't respond. "Draco?" he said, turning to his boyfriend with a look of uncertainty still etched on his face. "Do you not?"

"Of course not, love," Draco replied, drawing out the word love and sneering at Ron. "You can call me whatever you want." He pulled Harry into a passionate kiss and continued scowling at Ron as he soothed Harry by rubbing his back.

Ron groaned and then snapped his fingers at their server. "Waiter! Waiter!" he called, desperation obvious in his voice. "Bring me a double of your strongest firewhiskey. Immediately."

~8~8~8~

It had been a week since the argument with Ron at the pub, and Harry was still a bit miffed at his best friend. Ron had owled him almost daily, begging him to go out for an apology drink with him, so he could prove to Hermione that Harry was no longer angry and be out of the doghouse with her. Harry knew that Ron had suffered more than enough by Hermione's hand and he really should just go out for a drink with him. Still, he didn't feel ready to face his friend. Having Ron mock his relationship with Draco, and in such a public place no less, had really hurt him. More than he would ever admit.

He knew that Draco and him were overly affectionate with each other. Hell, his colleagues at the Ministry teased him about it on a daily basis, but he hadn't thought that his own best friend was so sickened by their relationship that he almost lost his dinner at the table. It broke his heart a bit, particularly because Draco was the best thing that ever happened to him. And he couldn't help it if he was so smitten with his boyfriend. Draco was just so amazing and cute. Most of the time, Harry still found himself awed that someone like Draco could want him, just Harry, or that annoying speccy git as Draco had called him for so long. Besides, their anniversary was coming up, and Harry always got extra maudlin during holidays. It was just his nature.

He had arrived home late from work today and was now snuggled in bed, wrapped in one of Draco's old jumpers and a pair of his Falmouth Falcons pyjama bottoms, waiting for Draco to come home from dinner with his parents. The latest issue of Quidditch Weekly was open on his lap, but instead of reading it, he kept sending longing glances at the bedroom door, hoping that his boyfriend would be coming home soon. They had a huge bed and it was quite lonely without his snuggable Draco.

As soon as he started dosing off, thoughts of shagging and snogging a delicious blond running through his mind, he heard the bedroom door slam shut.

"Draco?" Harry asked, sitting up and rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"Hi Harry." Draco kicked off his shoes and slumped on the bed. His hair was mussed and drooping in his eyes and his oh-so kissable lips were pouting. He looked positively adorable and edible, and Harry wanted nothing more than to ravish his boyfriend. He reached out and pulled Draco towards him, delivering a welcome home kiss right on those perfect pink lips. However, instead of deepening the kiss and mauling Harry as Draco usually did when he came home, Draco barely responded to the kiss and sighed.

"Draco love?" Harry asked, his chest tightening at the pained expression on his lover's face. "What's wrong?" He pulled Draco closer to him, laying his head on Harry's chest and taking in the sweet aroma of Draco's silky locks.

"Nothing." Draco sulked, leaning into Harry's embrace and burrowing his face in Harry's neck.

Harry felt Draco's soft breath against his neck, and as much as he wanted just to snog his boyfriend deeply and passionately, he could tell that something was wrong.

"Baby?" he said softly, removing Draco's face from his neck and turning his chin up, so he could look Draco right in the eyes. "Just tell me. You know you can tell me anything. Did something happen with your parents? Your father?"

Draco let out an exasperated sigh and shook his head. "I can't," he said, his voice soft and almost childlike, "you're going to laugh at me."

"I would never laugh at you." Harry placed a kiss on Draco's forehead and looked at him as lovingly as possible. "I adore you."

"I know that, Harry," Draco said, after a beat. "It's just that I was traumatised and don't really want to talk about it. It's embarrassing."

Harry pressed his lips to Draco's ear and then started sucking on it, just in the way that he knew his boyfriend couldn't resist.

"Mmm," Draco moaned, grinding against Harry and tilting his head back, revealing a patch of that pale, creamy neck that Harry could never get enough of. He continued sucking on Draco's ear and then bit down on his ear lobe, hard, emitting a loud whimper from Draco.

"No fair." He turned over and started rubbing his groin up against Harry's, his eyes no longer sad, but glazing over in lust. "I want you, Harry."

"I want you too," Harry replied, his own voice a throaty moan. "But first tell me what happened. If not, no sex."

"You bloody Slytherin. How dare you threaten me?"

"Learned from the best didn't I?"

Draco groaned in resignation as he rolled off Harry. "Fine, you win. For now."

Harry cocked an eyebrow and leered at Draco. "You'll win later."

Draco chuckled and rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. He leaned in close to Harry and looked at him with wide, serious eyes. "Harry," he said, his voice stern, "I just had the most disturbing experience. When I owled Mother to tell her that you weren't coming for dinner since you had to work late, she must have thought that meant I wasn't coming either. I was surprised when dinner wasn't ready on arrival, so I went looking for Mother. I found her and Lucius in his study." He blanched noticeably and creased his pale brow. "Harry," he continued, his voice quivering, "they were shagging. And that's not even the worst part. Mother had Lucius handcuffed to his desk, and she was fucking him on top of the bloody thing. In a French maid costume." He shuddered and shook his head. "I think I might be scarred for life. My parents, Harry! My pureblooded and proper parents!"

"Merlin's beard!" Harry wasn't sure whether he should laugh or be horrified. Perhaps a situation like this required a bit of both. Blimey, what he would give to see Lucius handcuffed to a desk. "What did you do?"

"What do you think? I ran out of there faster than a house-elf presented with clothes."

This time Harry snorted and ran his fingers through Draco's hair. "Poor baby," he quipped, his voice honeyed but gaze playful. "Why don't you come over here and I'll try to shag the image out of your brain?"

Draco scrunched his nose in that adorable way of his and raised an eyebrow. "Are you making fun of me, Potter?"

"Never!" Harry tried to put on his most earnest face and raised a hand to his chest, right over his heart. "Honest."

"You better not be. Or you'll be sorry."

"Ohhh...I'm so scared, Malfoy! Terrified. What are you going to do...suffocate me with all that pretty hair?"

"Now you'll get it, Potter!" Draco jumped on top of Harry and pinned his arms behind his head. "This is for mocking my pain." He pulled Harry into a scorching kiss and Harry couldn't hold back his moan.

"Mmmm. Show me," he mumbled, "Show me. Now. And tell me more about the handcuffs."

~8~8~8~

It was two days before their anniversary, or their 'actual' anniversary as Harry liked to call it, soppy Gryffindor that he is, and Draco could not have been more nervous. Draco wanted to surprise his boyfriend with something different this anniversary, but he wasn't sure how Harry would react. Harry was a closet, or maybe not so closet, romantic. For every milestone, and many times for no reason at all other than to show his love, he surprised Draco with over the top romantic gestures and sentiments. Draco treasured the loving attention more than anything (not that he would ever admit it), but he was still scarred from walking in on his parents' kinky bedroom activities and couldn't get that encounter out of his head. It seemed that everyone but him, including his parents, who were OLD for Salazar's sake, was having wild, kinky monkey sex. Ugh.

It's not that Draco was complaining because he adored Harry more than life itself, and they had quite a healthy and active sex life. But Harry being Harry, a sodding Gryffindor prone to flights of fancy and waxing lyrical about how much he adored Draco, always wanted to make love-slowly and passionately-rather than experiment. Harry always said that fucking and shagging like bunnies was what people did when they wanted to engage in meaningless sex rather than the act of making love. That he adored Draco too much and would rather worship his body than defile it.

Fuck, Harry was such a romantic that he didn't even like to take Draco from behind, claiming it made Harry feel far too removed from him, from the precious act of joining their bodies and souls together-so he would much rather get lost in Draco's gorgeous grey eyes than pound into him from behind like some wild animal. As much as Draco disagreed with Harry's reasoning, as he saw nothing wrong with fucking hard and rough once in awhile-how could he object to Harry's wishes when Harry fed him heartfelt and honest responses like that? Beautiful sentiments, which Draco knew were completely true and just so perfectly Harry. Naturally, he had to let it go. And he had for three years now. But enough was enough.

He was a Slytherin god damnit and Slytherins were supposed to have kinky sex. It was part of their house motto and a trait the Sorting Hat looked for in each potential member, wasn't it? Yes, he had been okay without kinky sex before, hadn't even craved it really, but now that he knew that everyone and their mothers were having it, of course, Draco needed it too. There was no other choice. He refused to be left behind. He was a Malfoy for Salazar's sake. Malfoys are never left behind; they always make the trends.

Besides, he was hoping, praying really, that Harry secretly wanted it too. Last week when his parents had traumatised him, Harry had been more than a little interested in the handcuff spell his mother had used on Lucius. Draco decided that was consent enough and had met with Hermione to ask her advice on what type of wild, kinky monkey sex they should start having. Yes, believe it or not, Granger and the Weasel have loads and loads of wild monkey sex. That girl researches everything and knows everything, including all about kinky gay sex. She never did mention how she learnt about that particular topic, but oh well. It didn't really matter where she learnt it as long as she passed down the wisdom to Draco.

On Granger's advice, Draco had gone out and purchased a sexy Hogwarts staff robe, shortened and fitted, of course, as well as a red Gryffindor thong and a pair of horned-rimmed spectacles. Hermione had told him that due to Harry's shy nature, in the bedroom at least, they should start small with their kinky sex as not to scare Harry off-perhaps with something as simple as role-playing. Granger had explained how her and Weasley role-play a lot, but their favourite, or at least go to role-play, was always the sexy librarian. Draco had smirked at that and smiled deviously at Hermione not because he found the idea all that enticing, but because he knew that he would make a sexier librarian than Hermione. He was a hot blond after all.

After hugging Hermione tightly, he ran out to purchase all the necessary parts of his outfit and to plan his fantasy. This idea seemed simple and vanilla enough that it wouldn't scare Harry off. Poor Harry wouldn't know what hit him once he saw Draco in his sexy librarian outfit, and hopefully this was a better idea than sharing his Death Eater/Auror fantasy that he had acted out in his head several times before. For some reason, he didn't think Harry would take too kindly to that fantasy just yet. Maybe next time.

Yes, this would be much better and Draco couldn't wait for his boyfriend to get home, so they could get started. Soon Hermione was going to be coming to him for advice on kinky monkey sex-not the other way around. He was sure of it.

Continue to Part 2

*A/N: I have no idea why a less than 8000 word fic didn't fit in one post. Did the parameters change?  I thought it was 10K.