/A Perfect Day for A Love Declaration/ Day Nine
a perfect day for a love declaration
day nine ★ when your heart desires to speak
/No. Absolutely not./
/Geez, oppa! Come on, it's just one night!/
/Yuri-shii. I will not humiliate myself with an idea like this. Much less in front of her. So, no. My answer for the final time is no./
/Suit yourself. I wouldn't mind getting married to you anyway. I'd get a kick out of teasing you everyday about the 'one you let slip away'./
/Don't start./
/Who knows? Maybe when the wedding is over, she'll actually start thinking seriously about her relationship with Donghae./
/.../
/They make a really cute couple too. I bumped into them the other day, and boy was he hot./
/.../
/I would rather you date unni, of course. But he seems to treat her well and isn't afraid to show her he loves her so, maybe this'll be a win-win situation. Although, obviously not for you--/
/Alright./
/Eh?/
/Alright. I'll go with your idea./
/Yey!/
~ ~ ~
Maybe I should ask Donghae out? I frowned, shaking my head at my own thoughts. Oh no, that would look too forward and serious. And I'm not quite there yet.
I was lazing around in bed on the afternoon of my day off. I had slept in, did my nails and rearranged the furniture when I realized that I had nothing to do and was lonely. I considered calling Kibum, or Sooyoung out but remembered that they were at work and that Yeonhee would be in school. I thought of Donghae as well, but with the things I found out from Kibum that day I introduced him... well, let's just say I wouldn't be entirely focused on him if we went out.
Maybe... Changmin...
No, I stopped myself, breathing deeply, not Changmin. Definitely not.
But... I sighed, turning and grabbing a photograph from my desk and studying it, "I miss him". I traced the outline of Changmin's face with my finger, feeling a sense of loneliness edge its' way into my heart. I miss talking to him, and laughing. I miss...
I put my hand on my chest, closing my eyes slowly as the tears started to form. I held them back and put the frame onto its original place.
It was no use anyway. He was getting married in a month -- and whatever feelings I had left will account to nothing. Kibum may have (said) hinted that he had loved me too, but he never said it out loud... so what would be the use of (waiting) holding on?
Holding on. I shook my head, laughing at myself solemnly. Kibum was right though. When he said that I had to be willing to get my heart back... I couldn't be. Changmin -- he is the one person I've ever given it too... and I cannot imagine having done it differently now.
I was not willing. Even though I knew better.
I smiled. I still love--
My phone rang, snapping me out of my reverie. I jumped to it, half-expecting Donghae to be on the other end, when a deep voice spoke. My heart started beating faster.
"Yoona... hey."
"Chang... Changmin," I smile into the receiver without intending to, "Hello."
"Are you free today?" His voice was tentative. Almost unsure. I was surprised -- Changmin never sounded unsure of himself.
"Why?"
"I wanted to go out with you. Today." My breath got caught in my throat. "We could go somewhere... maybe visit the places in Seoul we always talked about seeing but never got to because of exams in college? That is -- if your boyfriend will allow you."
I ignored his mentioning Donghae, although I didn't mean to.
"B-but... aren't you busy? Yuri mentioned something the other day about you working on something for your firm?" I asked, keeping my voice from sounding squeaky with surprise.
But I was surprised to hear voice when I answered my phone, but for him to ask me out... in a way that (almost) made me hope that it really could be a date, went beyond my imagination. I tried to pace myself, waiting for his reply.
"I'm all done, Yoona." His voice was lighter now. I could almost see him shaking his head at me from the other side. "You should know me well enough to know that I would never do another thing without finishing the first thing I started."
I laughed. He was right. Shim Changmin never left anything for tomorrow.
"And besides... I don't want to be like this forever. I don't think I can bear it anymore."
The not talking. The not being able to smile and laugh the way we used to. That was what he meant, and I knew it well and wanted it just as much as he said.
"Just for one day,. Yoona."
I considered his invitation, taking note of my own frantically beating heart and spoke again:
"Okay."
"Okay?" His voice held a kind of relief laced into it.
I grinned at his voice, catching myself on the mirror. I almost looked like my old self. Four years ago... I smiled wider.
"Okay."
+ + +
"I don't remember a time when we did this." Yoona said, picking at her fries as we walked along the park in the middle of a beautiful, sunny day. I looked at her frame and smiled, my heart beating it's slow and comforting rhythm that I always (only) felt around her.
Honestly, I was shocked when she agreed to come out with me, but I was relieved when she did say yes... and now, hours later -- we were walking together. Talking, laughing and enjoying the day and each other's company (or rather, I was enjoying hers)... under blue skies and around chirping birds.
"I don't we ever had time like this." I replied, still watching her. She tilted her head, nodding. An easy smile slipping into her face.
"You're right. We were never alone when we went out. We always had someone tagging along."
"That's right. Kibum would always tag along. Or Sooyoung. Or both." I said, "Poor Yeonhee had to follow too if Kibum went out with us because he always dragged her to it."
"I think she hated me for it?"
Yoona laughed, shaking her head, "She didn't. It was just hard -- because of her program and Kibum's crazy antics."
She sighed, putting a fry in her mouth. I smiled, speaking again: "I wonder why we never went out together like this..."
She smacked me slightly on the shoulder. Easily, a little hesitant, maybe. With a serious face, Yoona replied: "You never asked."
And then she finally looked at me. Once our eyes met, I felt the heat rise onto my face and I saw Yoona blushed slightly -- looking away as quickly as possible. My heart continued to beat its soothing drums.
She's right. I never asked her. I never had the guts to.
We reached a path where less people were sitting and the silence of our surroundings started to creep comfortably. Yoona didn't seem to notice this though, and I was (almost) glad.
"Anyway, Yeonhee told me once that being a pre-med student during that time was hard when she was pulled by her boyfriend every time." Her eyes twinkled as she spoke. "But then she'd add, Oh well, he's the love of my life and wherever he is, I want to be there."
Her expression softened. "They really love each other."
I nodded, feeling nervous all of the sudden. "Did you want me to ask?"
Yoona took a quick glance at me and looked away just as quickly. She shrugged, letting her hair fall in front of her face as she hid away from me. I swallowed, blowing out hair from my mouth and feeling worried.
"Sorry."
"For what?"
I shrugged. "For not asking."
She shook her head, her eyes burning into mine -- her face almost angry, sad and worried all at once. We walked a few more steps in silence, under singing birds. I opened my mouth to say something at about the same time she did as well.
That is, except, she missed her footing (was that a small puddle?) and fell forwards. I grabbed her-
+ + +
Changmin grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him just before I fell. His arms wrapping tightly, as my head lay on his chest. His heart was beating so hard, as did mine -- and for a moment I wished it was from the closeness of our bodies.
I scolded myself inwardly. That was a stupid thought, Yoona.
"Are you okay?" he breathed, loosening his hold and looking down on me with a relieved expression on his face. He stroked my face, so softly.
I nodded, feeling lightheaded at his touch. Without thinking, I lay my head on his chest again, breathing deeply.
His hold tightened slightly, and he sighed -- taking a deep breath himself. "I miss you..."
His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear it. My heart soared, and I felt a rush of elation and sorrow at the same time. He's getting married in a month, I reminded myself and my body felt hollow.
Slowly, I wrapped my arms behind his back, hugging him.
"I miss you too." I breathed deeply once again, burying my head on his chest. "But things should change. You're getting married."
"I know."
His arms around me wrapped me a little closer. I felt his nose (lips?) on the top of my head.
"You have a gorgeous fiance--"
"No. She's not." He kissed the top of my head, "You are."
My hands turned into fists at his words (How could he say that? I cried in my head) and I pushed at him slightly. He made no move to remove me from his embrace. The tears were forming now.
"No, I'm not," I said, a little angry now. I pushed a little harder, and he let go, only a little, his hands holding my elbows as I crossed my arms across my chest.
"Don't do this to me, Changmin. You left after you told me that you didn't want to fall in love. And now, you're back -- engaged -- and I don't know why I'm here..." I trailed off, looking down at my feet. He shifted nervously.
"For once, be honest with me. I think I deserve that."
He looked at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen on his face. I felt worried as his hand went to hold my cheek--
+ + +
Honest, she says? What should I tell her then? I asked myself. Should I tell her that I was angry at myself for letting her confess to me before I could be confident enough to tell her? Or that I hated myself for hurting her because I was young and stupid and a coward?
Should I tell her that thought of her when I went away? And that I wished she still felt the same way if I return?
Should I tell her... that I lo-- I stopped myself. Steeling myself, I stood up straighter. I am a man. I have my pride. I couldn't give it up that easily.
Her eyes were waiting for me to speak, and I breathed deeply, pulling my hand up to rest on her face. Her cheek was warm against it.
"Yoona, I... I have my reasons."
She frowned, shaking her head. I continued, pulling her face towards me. "I'm not the type of person to tell someone what I feel. You know that more than anyone else."
"I do... but you trust me, don't you?"
I nodded. Yoona bit her lip. "Then why can't there be honesty between us?"
I exhaled deeply, gathering my thoughts. Her eyes bore into me and for the first time I acknowledged the feeling that crept into me -- the fear.
I exhaled again. "Because..."
You told me you loved me first.
Holy crap, we're halfway(?) through this!
day nine ★ when your heart desires to speak
/No. Absolutely not./
/Geez, oppa! Come on, it's just one night!/
/Yuri-shii. I will not humiliate myself with an idea like this. Much less in front of her. So, no. My answer for the final time is no./
/Suit yourself. I wouldn't mind getting married to you anyway. I'd get a kick out of teasing you everyday about the 'one you let slip away'./
/Don't start./
/Who knows? Maybe when the wedding is over, she'll actually start thinking seriously about her relationship with Donghae./
/.../
/They make a really cute couple too. I bumped into them the other day, and boy was he hot./
/.../
/I would rather you date unni, of course. But he seems to treat her well and isn't afraid to show her he loves her so, maybe this'll be a win-win situation. Although, obviously not for you--/
/Alright./
/Eh?/
/Alright. I'll go with your idea./
/Yey!/
~ ~ ~
Maybe I should ask Donghae out? I frowned, shaking my head at my own thoughts. Oh no, that would look too forward and serious. And I'm not quite there yet.
I was lazing around in bed on the afternoon of my day off. I had slept in, did my nails and rearranged the furniture when I realized that I had nothing to do and was lonely. I considered calling Kibum, or Sooyoung out but remembered that they were at work and that Yeonhee would be in school. I thought of Donghae as well, but with the things I found out from Kibum that day I introduced him... well, let's just say I wouldn't be entirely focused on him if we went out.
Maybe... Changmin...
No, I stopped myself, breathing deeply, not Changmin. Definitely not.
But... I sighed, turning and grabbing a photograph from my desk and studying it, "I miss him". I traced the outline of Changmin's face with my finger, feeling a sense of loneliness edge its' way into my heart. I miss talking to him, and laughing. I miss...
I put my hand on my chest, closing my eyes slowly as the tears started to form. I held them back and put the frame onto its original place.
It was no use anyway. He was getting married in a month -- and whatever feelings I had left will account to nothing. Kibum may have (said) hinted that he had loved me too, but he never said it out loud... so what would be the use of (waiting) holding on?
Holding on. I shook my head, laughing at myself solemnly. Kibum was right though. When he said that I had to be willing to get my heart back... I couldn't be. Changmin -- he is the one person I've ever given it too... and I cannot imagine having done it differently now.
I was not willing. Even though I knew better.
I smiled. I still love--
My phone rang, snapping me out of my reverie. I jumped to it, half-expecting Donghae to be on the other end, when a deep voice spoke. My heart started beating faster.
"Yoona... hey."
"Chang... Changmin," I smile into the receiver without intending to, "Hello."
"Are you free today?" His voice was tentative. Almost unsure. I was surprised -- Changmin never sounded unsure of himself.
"Why?"
"I wanted to go out with you. Today." My breath got caught in my throat. "We could go somewhere... maybe visit the places in Seoul we always talked about seeing but never got to because of exams in college? That is -- if your boyfriend will allow you."
I ignored his mentioning Donghae, although I didn't mean to.
"B-but... aren't you busy? Yuri mentioned something the other day about you working on something for your firm?" I asked, keeping my voice from sounding squeaky with surprise.
But I was surprised to hear voice when I answered my phone, but for him to ask me out... in a way that (almost) made me hope that it really could be a date, went beyond my imagination. I tried to pace myself, waiting for his reply.
"I'm all done, Yoona." His voice was lighter now. I could almost see him shaking his head at me from the other side. "You should know me well enough to know that I would never do another thing without finishing the first thing I started."
I laughed. He was right. Shim Changmin never left anything for tomorrow.
"And besides... I don't want to be like this forever. I don't think I can bear it anymore."
The not talking. The not being able to smile and laugh the way we used to. That was what he meant, and I knew it well and wanted it just as much as he said.
"Just for one day,. Yoona."
I considered his invitation, taking note of my own frantically beating heart and spoke again:
"Okay."
"Okay?" His voice held a kind of relief laced into it.
I grinned at his voice, catching myself on the mirror. I almost looked like my old self. Four years ago... I smiled wider.
"Okay."
+ + +
"I don't remember a time when we did this." Yoona said, picking at her fries as we walked along the park in the middle of a beautiful, sunny day. I looked at her frame and smiled, my heart beating it's slow and comforting rhythm that I always (only) felt around her.
Honestly, I was shocked when she agreed to come out with me, but I was relieved when she did say yes... and now, hours later -- we were walking together. Talking, laughing and enjoying the day and each other's company (or rather, I was enjoying hers)... under blue skies and around chirping birds.
"I don't we ever had time like this." I replied, still watching her. She tilted her head, nodding. An easy smile slipping into her face.
"You're right. We were never alone when we went out. We always had someone tagging along."
"That's right. Kibum would always tag along. Or Sooyoung. Or both." I said, "Poor Yeonhee had to follow too if Kibum went out with us because he always dragged her to it."
"I think she hated me for it?"
Yoona laughed, shaking her head, "She didn't. It was just hard -- because of her program and Kibum's crazy antics."
She sighed, putting a fry in her mouth. I smiled, speaking again: "I wonder why we never went out together like this..."
She smacked me slightly on the shoulder. Easily, a little hesitant, maybe. With a serious face, Yoona replied: "You never asked."
And then she finally looked at me. Once our eyes met, I felt the heat rise onto my face and I saw Yoona blushed slightly -- looking away as quickly as possible. My heart continued to beat its soothing drums.
She's right. I never asked her. I never had the guts to.
We reached a path where less people were sitting and the silence of our surroundings started to creep comfortably. Yoona didn't seem to notice this though, and I was (almost) glad.
"Anyway, Yeonhee told me once that being a pre-med student during that time was hard when she was pulled by her boyfriend every time." Her eyes twinkled as she spoke. "But then she'd add, Oh well, he's the love of my life and wherever he is, I want to be there."
Her expression softened. "They really love each other."
I nodded, feeling nervous all of the sudden. "Did you want me to ask?"
Yoona took a quick glance at me and looked away just as quickly. She shrugged, letting her hair fall in front of her face as she hid away from me. I swallowed, blowing out hair from my mouth and feeling worried.
"Sorry."
"For what?"
I shrugged. "For not asking."
She shook her head, her eyes burning into mine -- her face almost angry, sad and worried all at once. We walked a few more steps in silence, under singing birds. I opened my mouth to say something at about the same time she did as well.
That is, except, she missed her footing (was that a small puddle?) and fell forwards. I grabbed her-
+ + +
Changmin grabbed my waist and pulled me towards him just before I fell. His arms wrapping tightly, as my head lay on his chest. His heart was beating so hard, as did mine -- and for a moment I wished it was from the closeness of our bodies.
I scolded myself inwardly. That was a stupid thought, Yoona.
"Are you okay?" he breathed, loosening his hold and looking down on me with a relieved expression on his face. He stroked my face, so softly.
I nodded, feeling lightheaded at his touch. Without thinking, I lay my head on his chest again, breathing deeply.
His hold tightened slightly, and he sighed -- taking a deep breath himself. "I miss you..."
His voice was so soft I almost didn't hear it. My heart soared, and I felt a rush of elation and sorrow at the same time. He's getting married in a month, I reminded myself and my body felt hollow.
Slowly, I wrapped my arms behind his back, hugging him.
"I miss you too." I breathed deeply once again, burying my head on his chest. "But things should change. You're getting married."
"I know."
His arms around me wrapped me a little closer. I felt his nose (lips?) on the top of my head.
"You have a gorgeous fiance--"
"No. She's not." He kissed the top of my head, "You are."
My hands turned into fists at his words (How could he say that? I cried in my head) and I pushed at him slightly. He made no move to remove me from his embrace. The tears were forming now.
"No, I'm not," I said, a little angry now. I pushed a little harder, and he let go, only a little, his hands holding my elbows as I crossed my arms across my chest.
"Don't do this to me, Changmin. You left after you told me that you didn't want to fall in love. And now, you're back -- engaged -- and I don't know why I'm here..." I trailed off, looking down at my feet. He shifted nervously.
"For once, be honest with me. I think I deserve that."
He looked at me with the saddest expression I've ever seen on his face. I felt worried as his hand went to hold my cheek--
+ + +
Honest, she says? What should I tell her then? I asked myself. Should I tell her that I was angry at myself for letting her confess to me before I could be confident enough to tell her? Or that I hated myself for hurting her because I was young and stupid and a coward?
Should I tell her that thought of her when I went away? And that I wished she still felt the same way if I return?
Should I tell her... that I lo-- I stopped myself. Steeling myself, I stood up straighter. I am a man. I have my pride. I couldn't give it up that easily.
Her eyes were waiting for me to speak, and I breathed deeply, pulling my hand up to rest on her face. Her cheek was warm against it.
"Yoona, I... I have my reasons."
She frowned, shaking her head. I continued, pulling her face towards me. "I'm not the type of person to tell someone what I feel. You know that more than anyone else."
"I do... but you trust me, don't you?"
I nodded. Yoona bit her lip. "Then why can't there be honesty between us?"
I exhaled deeply, gathering my thoughts. Her eyes bore into me and for the first time I acknowledged the feeling that crept into me -- the fear.
I exhaled again. "Because..."
You told me you loved me first.
Holy crap, we're halfway(?) through this!