L'inizio di Una Vita | VI.
VI. These Secrets We Keep
Wakefulness came to her as a warm soft breath brushed against her hand (which was wrapped in another’s), fluttering her insides as Yoona finally opened her blurry eyes to the morning light. She squinted as the sun’s rays glared at her vision, silhouetting a face she knew she dreamed about for years and was finally there - in the flesh - and sleeping beside her.
She did not sit up in surprise or scream in shock as she’d always imagined she’d do if a foreign man was ever to climb into her bed, but Changmin was not a stranger. He was her husband and Yoona supposed she hadn’t felt this comfortable around him since he’d come home. Most likely because there were too many things she didn’t know; too many hurts she’d kept hidden for years, though at least half were finally relieved the night before.
Half of the truths she had longed for had been revealed, and it was surely only a matter of time till she knew of it’s entirety.
And perhaps then, once she knew and understood everything… maybe then, she’d finally be ready to start over with him again. Maybe.
Yoona let out a soft sigh as she lightly rubbed fingers against his fingers laced between hers. Her heart felt so full at that moment - filled with mixed emotions of guilt, relief, hope and - by God, what was the use of pretending she hadn’t felt it in the longest of times - love? She stopped herself from making a strangled sound and took a deep breath instead. Reaching over to brush the curl on top of his forehead, she wondered just how much longer it would take for everything to fall into place. When would she be able to look at him and not see the years of his absence and negligence? Although it wasn’t entirely his fault (it was partially hers as well, but she’d admitted that to herself), Yoona wasn’t about to give up on knowing all of his secrets.
She deserved the truth, didn’t she?
The vows were clear after all (‘for richer or for poorer; till death do us part’).
Yoona shook her head at her silliness and started to move away only to stop as fingers tugged hers securely in its’ place. Changmin’s eyes opened and looked at her dead-on. His touch warmed her skin instantly and she pulled back slightly in embarrassment.
“Good morning.” Changmin said, lacing his fingers through hers as he looked at her with sleepy eyes. His gaze held her just as his warmth fluttered against her skin, inflaming her senses. She breathed him in, marveling at the spicy scent of him and bit her lip to keep herself from giving in and burying herself in his arms.
It scared her how much she felt for him. How much she loved him, but couldn’t trust him to know her heart.
“I’m… not ready to trust you again.” Yoona whispered, pulling her hand away from his touch. She sat as far away as she could, but not too far as to lose the comfort of his scent. Changmin nodded solemnly, pulling himself off the mattress to sit up as well. His gaze directed at her as she played with her fingers nervously.
She continued, braving a chance to steady her eyes with his. A warmth rushed through her as their gazes tilted towards each other, pulling them unconsciously closer to one another. Their eyes never wavered as she spoke, even as he leaned towards her inch by inch. “I don’t think I’ll be able to give it to you freely. My trust, I mean.”
“Then I’ll take it one step at a time. Slowly, until you accept me again.” Changmin said seriously, palming the curve of her cheek delicately. Her breath caught as he inched even closer, bringing his lips towards her.
It was barely a touch, but when their lips met it was almost like the first kiss they’d shared on their wedding day. Tentative and nervous, Yoona couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh against his skin in surrender. And when his hands brought her down and back onto the bed, she knew resisting would pointless. There was nothing she could do. No matter how much she wanted to fight it, her heart ached for him all the more.
And so they exchanged gentle kisses under the morning light streaming through their half-curtained windows. Changmin gave her space in an effort to keep his promise to be patient, only touching her softly if Yoona reached out to touch him first. Which she did, shyly, placing her free hands against his jaw as their lips met again and again and-
A loud knock on the door shook them out of their reverie, awakening their rational minds back into reality. Yoona shot up suddenly, blushing furiously as her maid’s head poked through the open door. Her words were slightly muffled, but both Changmin and Yoona could tell that the young maid had not expected to see either of them in bed together after all of the hostility she thought her mistress still had for the master of the house.
“I’m sorry to intrude, but… there’s someone here to see you, Master.”
Yoona’s eyes widened at the words, turning her head curiously at Changmin who had sat up as well. He shrugged at her direction, sliding off of the mattress to face the help by the door. “I don’t feel like seeing anyone but my wife today, Minyoung. Would you mind telling that person to come another day?” he said patiently, crossing his arms across his chest.
The young maid, Minyoung, shook her head and pursed her lips in uncertainty as she lowered her gazw. “I wouldn’t mind, Sir, but she said it was urgent that you speak with her right away.”
“She?” Yoona echoed loudly, slipping off of the bed as well to walk towards the door. She stopped just beside Changmin’s suddenly tense form, her brow wrinkling in dread and suspicion as her husband let out a defeated sigh under his breath.
Alarmed, she faced her maid and asked-though she immediately regretted the very second the words slipped out. “Who is it?”
“She says her name is Song Qian. And that she’s come to take the Master home.”
~*~*~*~*~
Victoria Song stayed for much longer than she had told them. And at the sixth day of her stay, it had begun to become clear to Yoona that Miss Song was not about to leave without taking something (or rather someone) along with her. And in those days she stayed in their home, things failed to progress the way Yoona had hoped they would since that morning in their-her-bed.
Victoria introduced herself with so much fervor, latching her arms around Changmin’s neck to hug him, that it was hard for her to feel completely at ease in her presence. Yoona felt uncomfortable in her display of affection, and even more so when the vibrant woman insisted on ‘being her friend’ thus showering her with the same attention as well.
Although it had become plain to see for Yoona to realize that the attention Victoria gave her was little more than out of politeness; whereas her attention to Changmin shifted towards the more… romantic side. The knowledge shook her to the very core, causing her to feel even more insecure and suspicious than ever before. The knowledge made her feel completely out of place, wanting to corner them and reveal the truth-but she couldn’t. Not without embarrassing herself eternally and not without the bravery she seemed to lose with every smile the two shared every day.
Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she stood back, hidden behind a wall as the two ‘friends’ walked to and fro through the family’s library. Yoona hated the feeling of jealousy bubbling in her heart as she listened to them laugh and speak in Chinese casually, effectively shutting her out of their conversation even without knowing she were there. How did he learn to speak Chinese so well? She thought miserably, placing her hand over her heart as the two laughed again at some inside joke Victoria said. Did she teach him while he stayed with her family in China? Just how close were they?
Jealousy drove a stake through her heart at every giggle and thoughtful sigh Victoria threw her husband’s way. It was too easy to feel inferior around the beautiful Chinese woman. Victoria Song was extremely beautiful; with eyes that shined bright with life and with curves that filled out in all the right places. Any man would have wanted her if they’d ever laid eyes on her, and if Changmin were any other man, Yoona feared that he did too.
And why wouldn’t he? Victoria obviously wanted him. Wasn’t it just proper to feel the same way?
Another round of laughter brought her out of her swirling haze of insecurities and Yoona leaned back against the wall. They were speaking in Korean now, much to her surprise. Victoria’s accent was thick but understandable, twisting another stake into her heart as an image of Changmin teaching her their language alone at night popped into her head. She held her breath as Victoria sighed happily into the window seat she loved so much and listened as quietly as she could.
“Ah, this place is even more gorgeous than you described, Changmin. Your house is so beautiful.” Victoria said, her lilting voice echoing through the room. Yoona braved a glance into the room and saw that Changmin only stood near the bookcase, nodding his head in response.
“Thank you, Qian,” he said, smiling as he inspected a book. Yoona pulled back against the wall just as he tilted his head towards the open door and bit her lip as he continued to converse with the lovely Chinese, “How is your father? I’m surprised you had it in you to leave him during peak season.”
Victoria laughed melodiously. Yoona could almost “The old man can take care of himself for a while. Besides, Hangeng is there to help him in the fields. Things will be fine.”
“That’s good to know.” Changmin replied in good nature, echoing her laughter with his own-a welcome sound to his wife’s ear hiding quietly behind a wall. Yoona smiled at the low rumble of his chuckle and sighed to herself as he spoke again. “I’ve been quite busy here with the fields as well, though admittedly I’m only doing the labor because I refuse to admit that my wife is much better at handling the paperwork than I-”
“I missed you, Changmin.”
The confession was hushed, fervent-and it broke her heart into a million pieces when all Changmin could muster as a response was silence.
Shouldn’t you be rebuking her words, Changmin? She screamed in her head, gripping her blouse unconsciously as time ticked on without a word from him. You said you’d win back my trust… you said that I was the only one. Why aren’t you turning her away?
His continued silence trashed her thoughts, breaking her quiet resolve to stay away. She couldn’t take being in the same vicinity anymore. She didn’t want to be near any longer. She had to get out as soon as possible.
“I’ll be going out today. I thought I’d make up for lost time with Jiyoung now that Sooyoung and I are friends again.” Yoona announced suddenly, surprising the pair out of their silent staring as she stomped loudly into the room. She wrapped a scarf around her neck as she stepped towards them - her expression indifferent, her eyes guarded.
Changmin turned to her in curiously, reaching out to touch her chin-only to be shunned away as she turned her head from him. His hand recoiled while Yoona continued to fix her willowy scarf around her neck, her chin trembling almost as she fought to keep her emotions in control.
“Would you like me to accompany you?” He asked, stepping close. Changmin turned towards his to meet her eyes, burying her into his gaze in the hopes of finding-what? Understanding? Forgiveness? Love?
His hand turned to cup her cheek, warming her skin and for a split second, Yoona saw Victoria turn her eyes away in sadness. Foolish pride flushed through her heart but she fought the sick feeling away, slipping her skin away from his touch before turning to the door.
“No-Minho is outside right now waiting for me.” It was a lie, she had not arranged to meet with Minho that day but a part of her wanted him to hurt. To be angry. Anything.
“Minho?” Changmin echoed, his brow furrowing at her. A flicker of emotion flashed through his eyes before settling into a familiar dark haze that she could only identify as jealousy. Throughout the days of Victoria’s stay, Yoona had made it a point to leave the house everyday-citing Minho as an excuse-and his reaction was the same as with every other day. His form hardened as he straightened his posture, his jaw clenched as though fighting back a bark of anger from flitting out of his lips. He took another controlled step towards her.
“Yoona,” he said her name with a hardened tone. Her heart trembled at the smoothness of his voice but she held herself firm in her stance, her one hand gripping the door frame and her feet poised to leave.
“I’ll be home tonight. Don’t wait up.” Yoona said easily, turning her head away only to stop when Changmin’s arm suddenly pulled her by waist and onto him. He breathed into her ear, holding her close as her own breath hollowed at his proximity. He held her, uncaring of the audience watching them with lowered eyes, and whispered,
“Yoona…”
Don’t speak to me this way. Don’t make me feel as if you care. I don’t know you at all.
“I’ll be home tonight, Changmin.” She said firmly, pulling his arm away. It went back around her waist to stop her and she sighed aloud as she pulled from him. “I’m sure you can find something to do while I’m gone.”
“We’re only friends. It’s not what you think.” He said with a sigh as she stepped out of the door. The tone in his voice made her stop and she turned back to look at him with her real emotions (hurt, betrayal, confusion, love) shining in her eyes.
“Is it just friendship?” she asked, challenging him to tell her the truth-though a big part of her wanted to hear none of it. She didn’t want to know how close they were or how special a ‘friend’ Victoria was… she didn’t want to know.
Changmin swallowed, clenching his fists at his sides. “Yoona…”
The way he held himself back hurt her even more and she shook her head, turning once again. She would have call Minho to meet her someplace-she couldn’t possibly be alone right now.
“I have to go.”
The door slammed in her wake as Yoona trekked along a path towards the one place she felt safe to stay.
Wakefulness came to her as a warm soft breath brushed against her hand (which was wrapped in another’s), fluttering her insides as Yoona finally opened her blurry eyes to the morning light. She squinted as the sun’s rays glared at her vision, silhouetting a face she knew she dreamed about for years and was finally there - in the flesh - and sleeping beside her.
She did not sit up in surprise or scream in shock as she’d always imagined she’d do if a foreign man was ever to climb into her bed, but Changmin was not a stranger. He was her husband and Yoona supposed she hadn’t felt this comfortable around him since he’d come home. Most likely because there were too many things she didn’t know; too many hurts she’d kept hidden for years, though at least half were finally relieved the night before.
Half of the truths she had longed for had been revealed, and it was surely only a matter of time till she knew of it’s entirety.
And perhaps then, once she knew and understood everything… maybe then, she’d finally be ready to start over with him again. Maybe.
Yoona let out a soft sigh as she lightly rubbed fingers against his fingers laced between hers. Her heart felt so full at that moment - filled with mixed emotions of guilt, relief, hope and - by God, what was the use of pretending she hadn’t felt it in the longest of times - love? She stopped herself from making a strangled sound and took a deep breath instead. Reaching over to brush the curl on top of his forehead, she wondered just how much longer it would take for everything to fall into place. When would she be able to look at him and not see the years of his absence and negligence? Although it wasn’t entirely his fault (it was partially hers as well, but she’d admitted that to herself), Yoona wasn’t about to give up on knowing all of his secrets.
She deserved the truth, didn’t she?
The vows were clear after all (‘for richer or for poorer; till death do us part’).
Yoona shook her head at her silliness and started to move away only to stop as fingers tugged hers securely in its’ place. Changmin’s eyes opened and looked at her dead-on. His touch warmed her skin instantly and she pulled back slightly in embarrassment.
“Good morning.” Changmin said, lacing his fingers through hers as he looked at her with sleepy eyes. His gaze held her just as his warmth fluttered against her skin, inflaming her senses. She breathed him in, marveling at the spicy scent of him and bit her lip to keep herself from giving in and burying herself in his arms.
It scared her how much she felt for him. How much she loved him, but couldn’t trust him to know her heart.
“I’m… not ready to trust you again.” Yoona whispered, pulling her hand away from his touch. She sat as far away as she could, but not too far as to lose the comfort of his scent. Changmin nodded solemnly, pulling himself off the mattress to sit up as well. His gaze directed at her as she played with her fingers nervously.
She continued, braving a chance to steady her eyes with his. A warmth rushed through her as their gazes tilted towards each other, pulling them unconsciously closer to one another. Their eyes never wavered as she spoke, even as he leaned towards her inch by inch. “I don’t think I’ll be able to give it to you freely. My trust, I mean.”
“Then I’ll take it one step at a time. Slowly, until you accept me again.” Changmin said seriously, palming the curve of her cheek delicately. Her breath caught as he inched even closer, bringing his lips towards her.
It was barely a touch, but when their lips met it was almost like the first kiss they’d shared on their wedding day. Tentative and nervous, Yoona couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh against his skin in surrender. And when his hands brought her down and back onto the bed, she knew resisting would pointless. There was nothing she could do. No matter how much she wanted to fight it, her heart ached for him all the more.
And so they exchanged gentle kisses under the morning light streaming through their half-curtained windows. Changmin gave her space in an effort to keep his promise to be patient, only touching her softly if Yoona reached out to touch him first. Which she did, shyly, placing her free hands against his jaw as their lips met again and again and-
A loud knock on the door shook them out of their reverie, awakening their rational minds back into reality. Yoona shot up suddenly, blushing furiously as her maid’s head poked through the open door. Her words were slightly muffled, but both Changmin and Yoona could tell that the young maid had not expected to see either of them in bed together after all of the hostility she thought her mistress still had for the master of the house.
“I’m sorry to intrude, but… there’s someone here to see you, Master.”
Yoona’s eyes widened at the words, turning her head curiously at Changmin who had sat up as well. He shrugged at her direction, sliding off of the mattress to face the help by the door. “I don’t feel like seeing anyone but my wife today, Minyoung. Would you mind telling that person to come another day?” he said patiently, crossing his arms across his chest.
The young maid, Minyoung, shook her head and pursed her lips in uncertainty as she lowered her gazw. “I wouldn’t mind, Sir, but she said it was urgent that you speak with her right away.”
“She?” Yoona echoed loudly, slipping off of the bed as well to walk towards the door. She stopped just beside Changmin’s suddenly tense form, her brow wrinkling in dread and suspicion as her husband let out a defeated sigh under his breath.
Alarmed, she faced her maid and asked-though she immediately regretted the very second the words slipped out. “Who is it?”
“She says her name is Song Qian. And that she’s come to take the Master home.”
~*~*~*~*~
Victoria Song stayed for much longer than she had told them. And at the sixth day of her stay, it had begun to become clear to Yoona that Miss Song was not about to leave without taking something (or rather someone) along with her. And in those days she stayed in their home, things failed to progress the way Yoona had hoped they would since that morning in their-her-bed.
Victoria introduced herself with so much fervor, latching her arms around Changmin’s neck to hug him, that it was hard for her to feel completely at ease in her presence. Yoona felt uncomfortable in her display of affection, and even more so when the vibrant woman insisted on ‘being her friend’ thus showering her with the same attention as well.
Although it had become plain to see for Yoona to realize that the attention Victoria gave her was little more than out of politeness; whereas her attention to Changmin shifted towards the more… romantic side. The knowledge shook her to the very core, causing her to feel even more insecure and suspicious than ever before. The knowledge made her feel completely out of place, wanting to corner them and reveal the truth-but she couldn’t. Not without embarrassing herself eternally and not without the bravery she seemed to lose with every smile the two shared every day.
Her heart pounded hard in her chest as she stood back, hidden behind a wall as the two ‘friends’ walked to and fro through the family’s library. Yoona hated the feeling of jealousy bubbling in her heart as she listened to them laugh and speak in Chinese casually, effectively shutting her out of their conversation even without knowing she were there. How did he learn to speak Chinese so well? She thought miserably, placing her hand over her heart as the two laughed again at some inside joke Victoria said. Did she teach him while he stayed with her family in China? Just how close were they?
Jealousy drove a stake through her heart at every giggle and thoughtful sigh Victoria threw her husband’s way. It was too easy to feel inferior around the beautiful Chinese woman. Victoria Song was extremely beautiful; with eyes that shined bright with life and with curves that filled out in all the right places. Any man would have wanted her if they’d ever laid eyes on her, and if Changmin were any other man, Yoona feared that he did too.
And why wouldn’t he? Victoria obviously wanted him. Wasn’t it just proper to feel the same way?
Another round of laughter brought her out of her swirling haze of insecurities and Yoona leaned back against the wall. They were speaking in Korean now, much to her surprise. Victoria’s accent was thick but understandable, twisting another stake into her heart as an image of Changmin teaching her their language alone at night popped into her head. She held her breath as Victoria sighed happily into the window seat she loved so much and listened as quietly as she could.
“Ah, this place is even more gorgeous than you described, Changmin. Your house is so beautiful.” Victoria said, her lilting voice echoing through the room. Yoona braved a glance into the room and saw that Changmin only stood near the bookcase, nodding his head in response.
“Thank you, Qian,” he said, smiling as he inspected a book. Yoona pulled back against the wall just as he tilted his head towards the open door and bit her lip as he continued to converse with the lovely Chinese, “How is your father? I’m surprised you had it in you to leave him during peak season.”
Victoria laughed melodiously. Yoona could almost “The old man can take care of himself for a while. Besides, Hangeng is there to help him in the fields. Things will be fine.”
“That’s good to know.” Changmin replied in good nature, echoing her laughter with his own-a welcome sound to his wife’s ear hiding quietly behind a wall. Yoona smiled at the low rumble of his chuckle and sighed to herself as he spoke again. “I’ve been quite busy here with the fields as well, though admittedly I’m only doing the labor because I refuse to admit that my wife is much better at handling the paperwork than I-”
“I missed you, Changmin.”
The confession was hushed, fervent-and it broke her heart into a million pieces when all Changmin could muster as a response was silence.
Shouldn’t you be rebuking her words, Changmin? She screamed in her head, gripping her blouse unconsciously as time ticked on without a word from him. You said you’d win back my trust… you said that I was the only one. Why aren’t you turning her away?
His continued silence trashed her thoughts, breaking her quiet resolve to stay away. She couldn’t take being in the same vicinity anymore. She didn’t want to be near any longer. She had to get out as soon as possible.
“I’ll be going out today. I thought I’d make up for lost time with Jiyoung now that Sooyoung and I are friends again.” Yoona announced suddenly, surprising the pair out of their silent staring as she stomped loudly into the room. She wrapped a scarf around her neck as she stepped towards them - her expression indifferent, her eyes guarded.
Changmin turned to her in curiously, reaching out to touch her chin-only to be shunned away as she turned her head from him. His hand recoiled while Yoona continued to fix her willowy scarf around her neck, her chin trembling almost as she fought to keep her emotions in control.
“Would you like me to accompany you?” He asked, stepping close. Changmin turned towards his to meet her eyes, burying her into his gaze in the hopes of finding-what? Understanding? Forgiveness? Love?
His hand turned to cup her cheek, warming her skin and for a split second, Yoona saw Victoria turn her eyes away in sadness. Foolish pride flushed through her heart but she fought the sick feeling away, slipping her skin away from his touch before turning to the door.
“No-Minho is outside right now waiting for me.” It was a lie, she had not arranged to meet with Minho that day but a part of her wanted him to hurt. To be angry. Anything.
“Minho?” Changmin echoed, his brow furrowing at her. A flicker of emotion flashed through his eyes before settling into a familiar dark haze that she could only identify as jealousy. Throughout the days of Victoria’s stay, Yoona had made it a point to leave the house everyday-citing Minho as an excuse-and his reaction was the same as with every other day. His form hardened as he straightened his posture, his jaw clenched as though fighting back a bark of anger from flitting out of his lips. He took another controlled step towards her.
“Yoona,” he said her name with a hardened tone. Her heart trembled at the smoothness of his voice but she held herself firm in her stance, her one hand gripping the door frame and her feet poised to leave.
“I’ll be home tonight. Don’t wait up.” Yoona said easily, turning her head away only to stop when Changmin’s arm suddenly pulled her by waist and onto him. He breathed into her ear, holding her close as her own breath hollowed at his proximity. He held her, uncaring of the audience watching them with lowered eyes, and whispered,
“Yoona…”
Don’t speak to me this way. Don’t make me feel as if you care. I don’t know you at all.
“I’ll be home tonight, Changmin.” She said firmly, pulling his arm away. It went back around her waist to stop her and she sighed aloud as she pulled from him. “I’m sure you can find something to do while I’m gone.”
“We’re only friends. It’s not what you think.” He said with a sigh as she stepped out of the door. The tone in his voice made her stop and she turned back to look at him with her real emotions (hurt, betrayal, confusion, love) shining in her eyes.
“Is it just friendship?” she asked, challenging him to tell her the truth-though a big part of her wanted to hear none of it. She didn’t want to know how close they were or how special a ‘friend’ Victoria was… she didn’t want to know.
Changmin swallowed, clenching his fists at his sides. “Yoona…”
The way he held himself back hurt her even more and she shook her head, turning once again. She would have call Minho to meet her someplace-she couldn’t possibly be alone right now.
“I have to go.”
The door slammed in her wake as Yoona trekked along a path towards the one place she felt safe to stay.