L'inizio di Una Vita | IV.

[aoza]

IV. This Love is Unfair
Sometime in the past…

“One day, my daughter, you will find someone to share the sunrise and sunsets with.” He said, his old and tired eyes crinkling with life as his daughter leaned her head onto his shoulder. She laughed, her smile shining bright under the orange sky. His daughter was beautiful and kind-a gift he’d cared for and loved oh-so delicately for years and years into womanhood. She reminded him of her mother, his beloved, and his heart filled with joy. “Someday… you’ll find someone and you won’t like to watch the sky with me anymore.”

“Don’t be silly, Father. I won’t love watching the sky with anyone else but you.” She replied absentmindedly, watching the sky’s changing colors. This was her favorite time of the day, when the sky fell slowly into passionate darkness and enveloped her with a sweet chill. Vaguely she wonders how much longer she would get to watch the sunset with her father and his ailing heart, and she bites back a sorrowful sigh.

Her father patted her head lovingly and sighed in her stead, looking back at the sky above them. “You will carry on in this world when I’m gone-” he spoke, pressing a kiss on his daughter’s temple to silence her when she moved to disagree. She was a feisty one, his daughter, oh- how he loved her so. It would be hard to let her go into life alone…

Letting the night’s gloom surround them, he continued, “And when that time comes… I want you to be with someone you love.”

~*~*~*~*~

“Good morning, Yoona.”

Yoona strained to keep her gaze forward and unflinching as Changmin sat down beside her on the breakfast table, dragging a newspaper in his hands and smiling. There he was again - casual in tone and not at all conscious of the conversation that had transpired between them the night before. Could she have simply imagined every word he’d breathed to her some nights ago? Because Changmin couldn’t possibly be this… calm and collected after telling her something like that. Something about her - Im Yoona, the young mistress of the Shim estate - as his only woman in all those years they’d spent together and apart. It couldn’t possibly be true. She’d heard the stories, had seen him wrapped in-No, no, no-

Changmin tapped her plate with his fork and raised an eyebrow at her, smirking. Yoona could only blink at him and turn her eyes away. God, she hated that smirk. She hated it so much she was sorely tempted to either beat him with her plate, or grab him by the lapels of his shirt and kiss him senseless. Neither scene was one she wanted to make early in the morning and so she settled on ignoring him once again. She wasn’t going to let him get to her today - not today of all days.

“It’s too early in the morning for your brows to be creased like that, Yoona.” He said, smiling as his eyes softened and he continued to stare at her. Changmin reached over to brush back the hair framing her face, his fingers tracing a line down her cheek as he did so. Yoona felt a warm shiver run down her side, swirling into her stomach as she pulled away - spearing her food with a fork as though his touch didn’t affect her (even though it did, it always have). If he’d notice any of this, Changmin didn’t let on. Instead, he pulled back as well and took a sip from his glass. “What are you up to today?”

“Oh, the usual. Shopping and embroidery, common activities for housewives like me.” Yoona said, sarcasm dripping from her tone. She spared him a look when he laughed heartily and fought back a tug of a smile on her lips.

“I’d expected you to go to your father’s today.” He replied simply, shrugging his shoulder. Her heart gave a squeeze at his words and she blinked at him in surprise. There was that air of confidence about him that was surprisingly comforting to witness, enveloping him as he leaned back and took another bite out of his breakfast. Changmin looked more settled in now than when he first came home - and rightly so, since he’d already been home for a little over two weeks now. He opened the newspaper in his hands, scanning an article quietly before responding (he probably felt her eyes staring at him).

“I didn’t forget what day it is today and how much it means to you, Yoona,” Changmin said, clearing his throat as he focused his eyes onto another article. She could tell that he wasn’t truly paying attention to what he was reading but said nothing in return; she was more interested in hearing what he’d say next. He gave her a small smile before continuing, “I offer a prayer to your father every year since I’d been gone… I was planning on going over there myself as well, in fact. With or without your permission, of course.”

He remembered? Yoona gripped the cloth of her skirt and pressed her lips together, containing the tears that threatened to form in her eyes. She felt the need to reach out to him and cry-but for what? Relief that he’d remembered a day close to her heart and was willing to share with her? Or perhaps, sadness that he’d known all along and had never once said so until now-at this moment when things were so difficult and confusing between them?

Her father, Im Seunghyun, died on a Sunday - a cool autumn day in the middle of October, when the leaves on trees were all completely yellowed and falling. It was a peaceful death, hardly anyone expected it to happen that day - he was so full of life hours before, playing chess and chatting with Changmin while she read a book in the corner. Changmin’s parents had been out of town in a meeting with a congregation they (and her father) were members of and had decided to catch a late ride back home, leaving her with her father and her new husband on a beautiful day in their shared home. It was just three days after their honeymoon, and it had been (in all accounts) good. Her father was overjoyed particularly to know that they’d gone and see the theater at least once before coming back, and to Yoona - seeing her father smile for her marriage was simply the best gift she could ever truly give him. The thought helped her through her nervousness on the wedding day… and now even more right after.

That Sunday, while they were sitting around in the living room and listening to soft music being played on the radio - Mr. Im was smiling and joking, telling Changmin stories about when Yoona was little that often times she would look up to laugh and argue with her father for embarrassing her when she’d “only just been married to him and he doesn’t know much about me yet”. It was really a very beautiful day, with the sun’s light peeking through the curtains and shining into the carpet.

“You know… I do think I made the right decision.” Her father had said, placing a rook into one of Changmin’s opponent knights and grinned. Yoona watched him hold the wooden horse in his hands, taking note of the dry roughness she was sure was there in his palms and listened to him speak. He had such a nice voice; she’d always loved it and would listen to him to tell her stories for hours on end. “Neither of you probably don’t know it yet since you’ve just been married but…” he trailed off, smiling at her and Changmin with his eyes, “I made the right choice. It won’t take long until both of you feel what I felt for your mother.”

Yoona blushed at his words and playfully shushed him, pouting as she closed her book. “Father, I think you need some air. We should take a walk a little later.”

“Don’t be so shy, Yoona,” he told her, grinning still as he nodded here and there at her husband’s next chess move. Changmin had just overtaken his rook with another knight and said nothing, a small and faint smile etched on his lips. “Changmin is a good man. He’s responsible and intelligent. A little quiet but he’s a gentleman. He’ll take care of you - I know it.” Mr. Im’s queen crossed the border and checked his king. “Isn’t that right, Changmin?”

She started, “You can’t possibly give him such a huge respons-”

But Changmin’s queen suddenly moved to remove her father’s queen out of place and defeated him in silence. Yoona could still remember the way Changmin had looked up from the game (slowly and determined, like a cat stalking its’ prey) and smiled at the old man (her father who had gone and laughed at his quick defeat) before turning back to look at her. His eyes catching hers in a trance almost, penetrating into her mind like he’d done in Paris…

“Of course, I will, sir. I’ll care for her for as long as I live.” Changmin said in his baritone and Yoona seemed to find difficulty in breathing. Her heart pounded in her ears as his eyes continued to bore into hers and her mind reeled. Oh my. Did he really mean that? Did he-

And then he grinned, his eyes slanting one way as he turned back to his game. Yoona felt like she’d just been thrown sideways in surprise.

“And you’ll love her?” Her father asked in an authoritative but teasing tone. She knew it was solely meant for her - given that they’d both probably noticed her young distress - and it annoyed her somewhat to think that her own father and her husband would actually think to tease her at a time like this! And exactly when she was still reeling from her thoughts on a whirlwind wedding with the son of a prominent family friend!

“Oh, honestly. If both of you are going to tease me, you might as well say so instead of dropping innuendoes like that!” Yoona stood up with a huff and turned to leave by stomping off without another word. She was barely out of earshot when she’d heard it - but it was faint, and to this day Yoona couldn’t be sure to know if it was real or not.

“You will love her, won’t you, Changmin?”

“Sir… I already do.”-“You’re staring into space again, Yoona.”

Changmin’s voice drove her out of her reverie and she blinked, turning her head to wipe the tears in her eyes. The memory of her last day with her father was unusually so fresh in her mind that it had taken her by surprise. The soft clinking of his utensils on his plate was suddenly comforting, easing her confused emotions into a halt as she stood up without a word. She didn’t know what to say-she’d almost forgotten about that memory. How could she have forgotten?

Because I’d been going alone to visit Father for five years. She thought, biting the inside of her cheek. Pushing her cup aside, she began to arrange her utensils on her plate. He hadn’t been around for five long years, that’s why.

With one hand still fisted into her skirt, Yoona turned to leave. She stopped short just beyond the door, turning her head back just so to glance at her husband once again. Changmin was looking at her with an indescribable gaze, pulling her in and asking with his eyes - What do you want me to do? What more do you want me to tell you?  - Oh. She couldn’t bare it. She needed answers - those were what she needed… answers to the millions of questions rushing in her head. Unfortunately, Yoona knew he couldn’t tell her yet - he didn’t know how to begin. Not when she was pulling away from him like this; afraid and uncertain, angry.

(But he wasn’t stopping her. He was much to blame to this as she.)

“I might go later… tonight.” Yoona whispered to no one, her fist loosening its’ grip on her skirt. She could hear him shuffle as he stood up from his seat. His scent was clean and reaching, enveloping her into a comfortable haze… but then she took off to escape - to refuse any more of the memories he might evoke out of her mind. Answers, I need answers.

Changmin watched her as she called for her maid and then rushed upstairs, the material of her skirt fluttering beneath her with each step. He closed his eyes and sighed, turning back to help clear out the table - and in turn, to clear out his head. He knew the answers to the questions she wanted to ask but-

Give me time, Yoona. “I’ll wait for you there,” he said to himself.

I’ll tell you everything-that is-if you’ll let me in.

~*~*~*~*~

She pulled her coat close to her body as she stepped into the lighted and busy streets of Mil-san. Despite the crowd of people pushing and pulling in a hurry, Yoona knew her way around as though the path was a common as the back of her palm. She knew every turn and every stop to these streets and why wouldn’t she? She had often played in them in her childhood, laughing and playing with her best friend with dolls and paper airplanes.

Ah. Turn left on the next block to the corner house at the end of the street and she would finally be at her desired destination. The house where most of her happy childhood memories lay… the house where her best friend had lived and let her sleep over at when her father was away and her mother was ill…

“So this is it, huh?” Minho said, stepping next to her quietly. The road was noisy and busy, hardly anyone could hear the other without shouting but he knew it didn’t matter. He knew that Yoona barely noticed him close to her all the way down town but he’d expected as much when she had suddenly called him to meet. She was preoccupied and troubled - never a good combination - and he had wanted to help her, wanted to make her feel better and smile. Minho drew in a deep breath and snickered at his own naivety. Im Yoona may have given him a chance, but it was for friendship and nothing else. The smile he wanted to see from her was one that would shine with love… for a man, not a friend.

He glanced at her staring up silently at the front steps and thinking deeply - probably she was wondering why she had gone there in the first place if all she was going to do was stand motionlessly outside and not take a step closer. He didn’t know what was truly on her mind, and frankly - he didn’t have a clue on what was going on in his. Why had he gone with her to a place where she had a connection to her past when he could have just gone on and convinced her to go someplace else? Why did he allow himself to accompany her to where she’d mostly only think of the shady mystery that was her marriage and not of a would-be better future with him?

Why did he let her wander into the depths of her unresolved feelings for a husband who left her for years at a time? Minho wasn’t sure of the answers - but he knew that he had to help her. He had to, at least, start somewhere in order to reach her heart.

“Is this your friend’s house?”

“Yes. This is Choi Sooyoung’s home”, Yoona whispered back, wrapping her coat closer to her neck and sighing. The word friend felt strange in her mind now, seeing as she herself hadn’t seen Sooyoung since she’d written her off of her life. It was ironic, really, how she could be so stubborn for years and not realize that the only other person to know the truth would be the same person who broke her trust. Yoona would have known earlier of the truth if she’d just come earlier.

But love is painful… and her love for her friend tore her apart as much as when Changmin had left.

They were born a few months apart, in different households. Yoona was born into a wealthy family, while Sooyoung to their housekeeper. Her parents had cared for Sooyoung as much as they did Yoona and had put them together in school and everything and anything in between. They were practically sisters, attending the same classes and doing the same things. Sooyoung was louder though, while Yoona was more reserved. Her friend was bright and beautiful, while she was quiet and mysterious. They’d shared everything - books, friends, interests… and as it turned out - men as well. Or at least, in Yoona’s case: a man. The one she…

Yoona turned her head to look at her companion for a moment, feeling a little guilty at her audacity to drag along a person of non-interest into a part of her past. She could tell by the dim light in Minho’s eyes that he was not entirely willing to accompany her, but like he said - he, at least, wanted closure for her “in whatever form it could be”. And so here they were - in a rough part of their town, seeking out a person Yoona wasn’t entirely sure she was ready to face.

Five years is an awfully long time to be angry at someone who was probably just a fool like I am...

But she had to know and she knew that it was high time to get the answers she deserved. And if she couldn’t get it from the person she wanted to hear them from the most - her husband, the man she lov- then she might as well go to the next best thing: the accomplice, her former friend and sister. She hadn’t really thought about how it would go down in her head in great detail but perhaps this was a part of a closure she needed to bury.

To reconcile and reconnect with an old friend without expecting too much or too less… maybe. In all honesty, all she wanted from Choi Sooyoung was the truth - about that night and of the others and-

… But had it been real? Yoona bit her lip and looked down at her feet, thinking back to the words Changmin had spoken the night before. He’d said it loud and clear - “There were no other women.” - and he’d spoken without hesitating. He’d always been known for his knack of pulling a straight face at a nerve-wrecking moment but that night when Minho had come by was not one of those times. Changmin had no reason to hide or lie to her. He was plaintively jealous, even she couldn’t ignore it.

However, how could that be? She saw them - holding each other fiercely with Changmin brushing her hair and Sooyoung clinging onto him - Yoona knew she saw what she saw and that the people she cared about most in the world… well, they had betrayed her. It was the first time Yoona had seen what the rumors back then had been saying all along, and it hurt more learning that it was her friend and not just another woman. She remembered thinking, Why Sooyoung? Why? Why? Why?

Her heart broke twice for two people that day. One for herself, one for Choi Sooyoung. Since then she had refused to look back to their friendship-but now… Yoona cautiously stepped forward, one foot in front of the other and up the familiar stone steps. She raised her fist onto the door and lightly scraped the wood of it. The door was opened moments later by a toddler with bright eyes and sloft cheeks and a tall, lovely woman staring wide-eyed in shock.

“Yoo-Yoona!” She said, her tone cracking in both joy and sorrow. Her friend hadn’t changed - she was still so beautiful and elegant, even with the different standards to which she was living. And Yoona’s heart gave a soft lurch again, remembering how much she envied her friend for being beautiful effortlessly despite working day in and out… You deserved so much better than this.

She looked at her for a moment and then at the boy in her arms, patting his head affectionately as she took a tentative step inside a home she used to love so very much.

“Hello, Sooyoung. It’s been a long time.”