Bipolar -- Chapter 16
There was a comfort in the sound of stiletto heels clicking along smooth, hardwood floors. The scent of antiseptic clings to the air as she walked purposely down the hospital corridor, her nose tingling at the tangy smell hitting her nose. Yoona paused at a door, her hand poised at the knob of her therapist’s office.
There was no reason for her to be there. She didn’t have a session scheduled, nor did she have a problem to ‘come clean’ about-but this was the one place she knew she could go to breathe. Everywhere else made her feel irrationally angry and, more than anything, asphyxiated. Everywhere else had Lee Donghae constantly hovering over her.
It was easily driving her mad.
A petite woman clad in a nursing uniform stood with her back facing the door, rummaging through a file cabinet as Yoona let herself in loudly. She expected as much for the young woman to turn around with a smile.
“Good afternoon. How may I-Yoona?” Yeonhee said in surprise, her easy smile faltering as her eyes widened at her presence. Yoona felt an odd sense of achievement at her discomfort as she nodded her head in response, heading straight towards the couch sitting by the file cabinets. She settled there with a cool expression on her face, smoothing out the skirt of her dress as Yeonhee jolted out of her stupor and made her way back to her desk in a hurry. She bumped into her chair gracelessly, cursing under her breath before turning back at Yoona with a practiced grin the other woman knew she so often used for patients she hardly agreed with.
Yoona knew that grin because she’d been on the receiving end of it for the past year. It was a smile so fake, it brought a grin out of her own lips as well.
“You don’t have a session today, Yoona. What are you doing here?” Yeonhee asked, her professional façade in place as she sat behind her desk. She had a tight grip on her pen as she stared at her from across the room, her smile etched onto her lips and aching.
From her seat, Im Yoona was the picture of a beautiful and sophisticated modern woman. She wore a crème colored dress with a dark red belt fitted along her tiny waist and similarly colored pumps. Her long brown tresses were swept to one side and over her shoulder, loosely braided and with tendrils curling around her face and perfect skin. A familiar necklace adorned her neck, one that she’d recognize anywhere because Yoona had worn it each day she’d stayed in the hospital the year before and because it was the one thing Changmin-Yoona’s ex fiancé and now hers-told her not to return.
Anxiety pooled in her gut as Yoona shrugged in response to her question and pushed her hair back behind her ear. She radiated beauty and life and compared to her, Yeonhee was nothing but a poor peasant girl. If only Yoona were any better in the mind, she’d be perfect.
She’s perfect. Changmin’s voice echoed in her thoughts, low and surly as the night he’d found him drinking on the hospital’s rooftop a year ago. Her heart pinched at the memory of his sad eyes looking up at the sky. It had been a particularly difficult day for him, with Yoona refusing her medicine and lashing out-gripping a needle tight in her hand, blood dripping from her fist before she was subdued by several hospital staff members and was put to sleep. His voice had been gravelly as she quietly listened to him speak, filled with misery and defeat.
She’s always been perfect to me, he’d said sorrowfully-his eyes brimming with unshed tears. Always have, always will.
Yeonhee had kissed him then, long and deep and with feeling, regardless of a response. A year later, she still wondered if she’d done the right thing-for him, for Yoona and for herself.
Turning her eyes away from Yoona’s figure, she focused her attention back to her desk. “The doctor is in an administration meeting right now and won’t be back till 3,” she said, easing into a lighter tone that masked her true feelings for the person she was speaking to, “Do you think you could wait an hour?”
Yoona shrugged again with a wave of her hand, her face terribly impassive. Yeonhee’s eyebrow shot up in question.
“It doesn’t matter to me. I just don’t want to be out there right now.” She said, gesturing towards the door. If the nurse thought her answer vague, she said nothing. Instead, Yeonhee went quietly back to her work. Her feigned ignorance was something Yoona was grateful for because the less there were that was said between them, the better.
Yoona regarded Yeonhee silently, her lips set in a straight line. Yeonhee was very pretty. She had a good job, a likeable personality, a vibrant smile. She wasn’t haunted by unknown forces constricting her airways. She wasn’t sick like her. Yeonhee was put together; a whole woman.
She is everything Yoona is not.
Which is why she’s a better fit for Changmin than I ever was, Yoona thought ruefully, the sting of bitterness biting at her skin. She regretted the harsh thought but didn’t feel terrible for thinking it. It was the truth after all. Changmin deserved more than she could offer him. And no matter how many times a part of her argued the notion, she knew it was better to let go than to hold on to an inevitable (and unbearable) hurt.
“How are the wedding plans going?” The question flew out of her mouth before she could have thought it through. The words tasted like metal and were heavy in her mouth. Perhaps it was her body’s unconscious effort to tell her that she was making a mistake for asking and if it was, there was nothing she could do to take back the words. She was curious as well-despite herself. She wanted to know how far along she and Changmin were…
Yeonhee was sufficiently surprised by her sudden question. Her jaw dropped and for a moment she was unable to speak.
“The plans are going alright, Yoona. My mother and I finally agreed on the flower arrangements, and the catering service is on-board and ready. Changmin’s sisters are both flying in a day before the wedding so all of the guests we want there are accounted for.” She replied after some time. Yoona nodded slowly at this, her heart dropping a little as her thoughts lingered towards the unanswered invitation tucked away in her desk. She didn’t expect to be invited and though she was, the physical evidence of it never sat well with her either.
Her emotions were horribly conflicted; jabbing at each other ferociously underneath her cool exterior. It was yet another reason why Yeonhee was so much better. She was not a nutcase. Not like her.
Yeonhee might have sensed her inner distress and quickly added, “Well, except for you. You didn’t send back your RSVP card.” She attempted to talk to her in a soothing tone but halfway through, her words fell flat in uncertainty. Her eyes darted to gauge Yoona’s reaction and for a moment she saw a flicker of remorse across her beautiful face.
It was gone as quickly as it had flitted by. Her emotions once again pulled back behind an icy wall. Calm. Collected.
(Just a little bit more than a threadbare from losing herself to her emotions.)
“I keep forgetting where I put my invitation. I’ll send it once I find it.”
“I hope you do. It would mean a lot to Changmin for you to be there.” Yeonhee paused for a moment, treading cautiously before adding, “You are his best friend…”
Yoona shook her head. “I haven’t been his best friend for over a year now. You, of all people, should know that better than anyone.”
The comment wasn’t meant to be scathing, but it felt exactly like it. Her words speared clear into Yeonhee’s heart, causing her to flinch visibly even though she’d tried desperately not to let her uneasiness show. She was not in the wrong side of the situation, but more often than not, she felt like she was. After the long agonizing months she’d helped piece Changmin’s broken heart back together-Yeonhee still felt like it was a mistake.
She shouldn’t have been the one to help him. That should have been Yoona’s job. Not hers.
But you’re marrying him anyway. Even though you know he’s not over her-that she’s not over him. You’re marrying him because that was what you’d promised you’d do for her in exc-you took care of him because Yoona knew she couldn’t do it herself.
She bit the inside of her cheek, annoyed at her rampant thoughts. She immediately felt exhausted by them, and with a sorrowful sigh she whispered, “I’m sorry, Yoona.”
“For what?”
Yeonhee gave the young woman a pointed look, to which Yoona returned with a wistful sigh of her own.
“Of course, I’m going to the wedding. I’d be a fool not to.”
“You should. You arranged all of this after all.”
If the implications of Yeonhee’s words affected her at all, Yoona made no sign of it. Instead their eyes locked once again in silence.
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for anything, Yeonhee.” Yoona spoke so quietly Yeonhee was almost too sure she’d imagined the words. Their eyes locked as she continued, her tone even and so so calm, “Everything is better as it is now, don’t you think?”
“You’re getting married. I’m on fewer and less harsh medication. We’re getting along better than a year ago and”-the half-smile on Yoona’s lips was eerily perfect and frozen as she continued-“-and the best man I’ve ever known is about to receive the type of love and future he deserves… with you. I explained this to you before, didn’t I?”
“Take him. Make him love you. Make him forget me. It’s the only way I can save him.”
The nurse gave a look and Yoona shrugged, flicking a piece of lint off of the pillow she had poised on her lap. “You kept your end of the bargain, Yeonhee, and more than anything I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me.”
Yeonhee’s throat tightened at the implications of her words, guilt bearing down on her heart. The perfect image she initially projected over Yoona dissolved as she listened to her speak, leaving behind the past hopeless, bleak girl from their shared past. The girl who once loved and hated so much that she stained her wedding dress in her own blood and her lover’s tears. The lost soul who told her to-
And I don’t want to pretend anymore. I don’t want to love him while he loves you and tolerates me. I don’t want to be the woman he thinks he loves but only fucks in convenience. Please take him back. Please, Yoona, please.
“He still loves you though.” Her mouth opens so suddenly, Yeonhee’s as surprised by her words as soon as they were said. “It’s not likely he’ll ever stop either.”
I don’t love him the way you do.
“I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Please.
“I know,” Yoona responded after a silent minute, “but you’ll marry him still.”
The nurse bowed her head and gave a short, sad nod.
“Thank you, Yeonhee.”