L'inizio di Una Vita | II.
II. and my peace is lost...
Days passed after the night the true heir of the Shim family returned with such normalcy, it rattled Yoona’s heart and mind to the core. The shock hadn’t worn off yet, even though it had already been several days since Changmin had walked into her life again and picked up where he left off in the family’s business affairs. She hadn’t expected it to wear off at all to be honest, given the fact that she’d avoided him since then despite knowing that she shouldn’t run away anymore. Changmin had been the one to leave after all… she hadn’t done wrong by him (or anyone for that matter) at all.
Yoona sighed, sinking into the warm steam of her bath and poured water across her face. Mother had announced that they were going to have a complete family dinner (again) for once and that they should all be presentable at the table - hence the warm bubble bath she had going for her that early evening.
“You need to look refreshed, my dear.” Mother had said, patting her cheek lovingly when she’d finally finished working - looking frazzled and dusty all over, “At least for me.”
She pressed a soft towel to her arm and tried to relax herself; scrubbing away the dust of work she’d forced herself to do that day to avoid meeting her husband at the plantations.
Husband.The word sounded heavy and bitter in her mouth even without saying it out loud, and yet at the same time strangely comforting. She shook her head. Clearly she had so much more to work through before she could finally let go of everything that was Shim Changmin, her husband. Today had just been the beginning: avoiding him was the first step.
Yoona checked on her family’s sugar plantation first, making sure to tiptoe past Changmin when he finally arrived before going to the Shim family’s rice mill to peruse on the workers’ activities and give them some sustenance. She didn’t stop to rest when she came home after that and made sure that she was always found doing something, just in case Changmin or any of his subordinates decided to call upon her. With luck, he hadn’t tried to speak to her since the night he returned. And quite frankly, for now - while her heart still shook with fury and so much love she couldn’t (and will never) voice out to him - the distance was all for the best.
She wished it was easier. As much as she wanted to reach out and forgive him, she simply could not. If only she had a true friend to confide in but even that was hard to come by - not when the last friend she’d given all her trust to ended up being the one to betray her in the most horrible way between friends. Choi Sooyoung had been her best friend and sister since they were children and why she could have destroyed their friendship just like that… Oh, that’s a story for another time, Yoona told herself. She, at least, had another friend - Minho - but he was still off in a trip with his father and could not be contacted until soon. She’d have to wait till he returned before she could escape from meeting her husband by hiding behind another man.
Ugh. That sounded so callous. For her, for Minho… for Changmin.
Looking up at the ceiling, Yoona bit her lip as an image of him flooded her mind’s eye. It would be a lie if she said that she hadn’t stopped to watch him since he’d arrived. Because despite her insistence of keeping distance, Yoona knew in her heart that she was incapable of ignoring his presence in her home. Didn’t she always visit her memories with him everyday before he’d come back? Thinking back on moments they shared and on to feelings she had refused to show before he left? She couldn’t lie to herself about that - she couldn’t lie about the fact that in the last four years, she had wished for nothing more than for him to return. Never mind the anger he rightfully deserved to receive and the foolish regret she felt for not doing anything to make him stay… Yoona simply wanted him home.
And he was home, finally. With each moment passing by that thought, her heart gave a lurch of sadness against her chest.
Changmin settled in sleeping in another room, far from hers, the night he returned and has slept there since. She heard him say to the help that night that “Your mistress wouldn’t want me to sleep in our room, I’m sure and I understand perfectly why” - and she had appreciated it for the most part, because she didn’t think her heart could take it if he had suddenly appeared next to her the following morning… while the shock was still so strong and gripping her senses. However, a small part of her had wanted him to come to her door - to plead with her to let him enter or something but she knew it was foolish to want that to happen.
Shim Changmin was a proud and capable man. He never begged, even when he should. He might have been gone for five years, but she knew that part of him would never change. It was innate in his family’s biology. It was one of those traits that had infuriated and attracted him to her in the first place. His pride and determination, among others, had captured her to him. She wouldn’t have wanted that part of him changed either, even given the circumstances of their relationship now.
Yoona sank dipper into the warm water, relaxing into the heat that touched her whole body and skin. She thought of him again: of his dark eyes and his thin lips, the sharp edge of his jaw, the broadness of his shoulders and the calloused pads of his fingers upon her cheek. She shivered despite the warmth, her cheeks coloring pink as arousal set into her stomach and swirled there. Perusing her current position now, she looked back into her memories and realized how familiar this feeling was from back five years ago. Hadn’t she felt this way when he had come to her that night? Soothing her confused thoughts with words slipping out from the baritone of his voice as they slid into a comfortable understanding as husband and wife?
She remembered being so troubled back then, by the words the elders and her peers had told her about being fruitless a three months after their honeymoon. It bothered her to think that her marriage was being scrutinized by so many people - almost all of them only interested in the news of an heir and nothing more. The elders had called her useless - unable to bear fruit for the established family line while her peers had called her hopeless - for not plunging into an act with her handsome husband they said they would’ve gladly done if they were in her shoes.
Yoona frowned at the thought of those ill-advised meetings. None of them knew much about her or her relationship with the Shim family, nothing aside from the ridiculous stories people cast over the city, and so how could they judge her in such a harsh way? They were definitely not in her shoes, and if they were they would know just how good it was to be included in such a close-knit family. Her marriage with Changmin might have been arranged but she had grown to love him over time. He had too, she liked to think (Such a foolish thought, her mind bristled)… wasn’t that enough for the rumor mill, at least?
No, of course not.The mill needed to keep going and she had always been an easy target. Yoona struggled to keep from vomiting in her mouth at remembering all the inappropriate and perverted things her peers and elders had ‘advised’ her that day -“You’re only worth something if you’re married, dear. No one appreciates a headstrong lady without purpose.” Ugh. The gall of their words disgusted and hurt her in more ways than it should.
Her cheeks were as pink as they were on her face right now when she’d blurted it out to him one night, surprising him while he went over numerous business accounts at his desk.
The memory had gone in this way:
“They say I must be unattractive if we hadn’t even slept under one blanket yet.”She blurted out, balling fists into her skirt as she tried desperately not to cry, “They said that I’ll only bring misfortune to the family since I still haven’t produced an heir. Is that really all I’m worth for? How stupid could they be to take that notion seriously?!”
It was a stupid notion to compare a woman’s worth to how many sons she could produce but it had hurt her deeply. Their words had wounded her soul harder than she thought they would be able to. And she felt utterly helpless, knowing it was partially true. Since their wedding, Changmin had not once slept beside her - well, he had in a sense, but with separate blankets and he’d always stay unmoving on his side. Though he had told her that he was simply giving her privacy and space (“-since this isn’t what you had in mind in the first place. I don’t want to take from you anything else you’re not willing to give” were his exact words in Paris), Yoona couldn’t dispel the ill feeling brewing inside of her that perhaps everything they said about their marriage was true. Perhaps, Changmin wasn’t attracted to her at all and that’s why he wouldn’t truly share a bed. Perhaps, he didn’t want to be married to her even more than she didn’t want to be married at 17 either.
These childish thoughts of hers, she thinks, hurt a lot too. Maybe even more.
She continued her rant, with a fiery rage that smoked embers to her temper. “It not as if the heavens would fall if we didn’t have a child after being married three months! Goodness! All they see is the fact that we’re a young married couple ‘with limitless energy and time to spare’, and yet are without an heir. Ugh! Why are people so judgmental?!”
Changmin patiently listened to her rant without a word, looking at her with an indescribable expression on his face up until she turned around in defeat and marched to their bedroom. She hadn’t expected him to do anything about her fuming tirade... from what she had observed over the course of the days is that his reaction went one of two ways: he would either ignore or delve into arguing with his biting sarcasm and wit. Changmin seemed to favor the latter quite a bit and she had found it amusing to watch when he did so with other people. However at this circumstance, neither were the reactions she needed. If anything she wanted, at least, to see him respond just a little bit. She wanted him to tell her she was mistaken or something - anything! But instead, he’d just sat there in his desk, listening to her every word.
It took him an hour or two after her outrage to be in the same room as her again, leaning against the door frame and watching her sit solemnly on her side of the bed and dressed in her nightgown.
Yoona had laid out his pillow and blanket on the edge of the bed, where it would be easy for him to arrange himself on his side of the mattress. That was the arrangement he’d silently arranged for himself since they’d married, and although it was strange and bothered her to wake up to see her husband’s back turned from her, Yoona did nothing to reprimand him. Perhaps that was another reason why people didn’t think of them much as a couple? They were nothing of the sort of lovey-dovey couple most people expected. She’d never chastised him in public, unlike how Mother and Father Shim would playfully and lovingly bicker outdoors. Yoona sighed, there was no use to worrying about that now… she should just accept the fact that her marriage was a joke to many and she was one of those who thought so too.
“I’m sorry for earlier… it’s been a rough day. We should get some sleep,” she said half-heartedly, waving her hand to the side when she heard him enter the room and moved towards the center of the room.
She slipped into the sheets of the bed and turned to her side, staring out at the window without bothering to wait for him to reply, and watched as the crescent moon shine across the night sky. It was a particularly chilly night, she mused - noting the way the branches and leaves of the tree near the gate swayed softly with the wind. There was a rustle of movement from behind her but she ignored it, entranced by the fluttering leaves and the brightness of the moon. Yoona’s thoughts drifted to the thin blanket she’d prepared for Changmin and pursed her lips, thinking: Maybe I should get him a thicker blanket?
She didn’t have enough time to react when the bed suddenly dipped beside her and a long, lean arm suddenly enveloped her slender frame while the other was propped up to anchor his head. Yoona froze almost immediately at the contact, eyes widening at the realization that her husband - her stoic, no-nonsense husband - had just gotten into bed with her - and under the same blanket. She kept her head stationary at one side and breathed deeply, trying to keep her heart from hammering against her chest. No matter how sudden this was - it was also so very comfortable. Natural, even! It was this knowledge that unnerved her the most.
This can’t be happening, she thought as she tried to calm her already quickening heart, what the hell is he going to do?
“What are you-doing?”Her voice caught in her throat midway through the sentence. She tucked her chin in and waited for him to reply, the sound of his breathing mingling with hers.
“I’m going to sleep next to my wife under one blanket… you know, it’s something ‘married couples’ do.”
It surprised her often at how casual he could be with her sometimes; speaking to her as if they had known each other personally for years and not just for several months. She wondered why he couldn’t be that way all of the time - but then the childish (and hurtful) thoughts would kick in and she keeps from pulling her heart out for him to see. Yoona could practically feel him smirk from behind her, probably teasing her for her earlier emphasis in her rant and (unfortunately) she felt a smile creep onto her lips. Elbowing him softly on his rib while rolling her eyes in amusement despite her better judgment, she said, “Be serious. You know what I mean.”
Changmin sighed into her hair, mumbling a fragment of her name and she stilled once again. “Changmin?”
“Does it matter what they think? About us, I mean.”He said, seemingly talking to himself more than to her. He shifted behind her, his hand motionless on her stomach. It was warm, his skin... The heat swirled in her stomach as he (unconsciously?) rubbed a thumb over the smoothness of the fabric of her nightgown. “They know nothing about us… they don’t know how good our parents’ friendship was, or how my father thought of your father as a brother. Why should their opinions matter when they don’t know anything?”
His words cut through her insides and she pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep from spilling sudden tears hidden underneath her lashes. If there was any other moment to speak her mind, it would be now but what would she say? And why should she? It’s not like I’m anywhere ready to tell him that I care for him.
“Jump in anytime with your thoughts, Yoona. Hearing you rant earlier was interesting.”
Yoona laughed aloud despite herself, elbowing him once again - harder this time - and shrugged. Did he want her to tell him things truthfully? Her honest thoughts about their arrangement of a marriage, her steadily growing love for him and how much it scared her to feel this way for someone who didn’t feel the same way? It was true that no one else knew them as much as they knew themselves… but what of each other? They’ve never really spoken in deep conversation before, even though she wanted and there were moments where he looked like he wanted to as well. They had stared off into space side by side, but did that count for knowing each other? No. Probably not.
“Fine. Maybe, you’re right about how their words shouldn’t matter… but… I wonder - is there anything about us?” Yoona asked, laboring her breathing to match his calm one and brushing her hand over his forearm. She wondered if he was as confused and dizzy under her touch as she was with his.
His hand unconsciously pressed against her stomach - his touch sending a burning up and down her insides. She pursed her lips together and tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach when he spoke again: “What do you mean?”
She considered her words. “Oh… you know… we’re married but what do we know about each other aside from that we are husband and wife? It’s true that our families have a wonderful relationship - but it’s our marriage, not theirs. I only know who you are to the public… and the same goes for your knowledge of me.” Yoona bit her lower lip and thought about how to finish her explanation. She inwardly wished that her words wouldn’t be misunderstood by him and drive a wedge between what was already a confusing relationship.“I don’t know… I suppose I don’t think it’s fair to ignore them if we have as much understanding about each other as they do.”
“Does that mean you want to know more about me privately?”Changmin asked, his tone hinted with irony. Yoona sighed in mock exasperation (oh, he understood what she meant but had decided to go into a sarcastic route he seemed to favor) and elbowed him on the ribs again. “And vice versa, Changmin. Don’t you want to know more about me too?”
Oh. Was that a nod? Yoona felt the hairs on her nape stand up as his head slowly bobbed up and down after a moment’s thought - the movement answering her question and elating her mood in more ways than what was possible. She kept her head down as another smile made itself known on her lips. Could it be possible to love and hate this night anymore than she already did? He wanted to know more about her… the happiness upon learning that fact made it easy for her to relax substantially in his arms.
The moonlight had grown dim now because of the clouds that covered it from sight, but one could still see the outline of it clearly. Yoona had always thought of the moon to be a foreboding body of extraterrestrial land, but at that moment the moon was a beautiful and welcome sight to see. The seconds ticked on as they enjoyed the silence that inevitably enveloped them.
And then-“Look at me.” Changmin urged in a mellow tone; his breath warm against the back of her neck and making the hair on the ends of her arms stand up once again. She lowered her eyes from the moon and closed her eyes in attempt to look as if she were already asleep, her heart hammering on beneath her breast. His fingers found its way under her chin, tracing lines against her skin. “Hey… I know you’re still awake. Just look at me, please.”
“Why should I?”she asked, her voice unusually strained and soft. His hand cupped her cheek and pulled her face slowly towards him.
“Because I want to know you… and because you are my wife, and I am your husband.”
“How long are you going to emphasize that last bit?”
“For as long as you do indirectly.”
“I don’t emphasize indirect-”
“Yoona.”
Finally, Yoona allowed herself to crane her neck just far enough to catch sight of his eyes-before he immediately took advantage of her (slightly) awkward position and hovered over her with his hand at either side of her head. She blinked up at him, shocked at this turn of events but didn’t move away. (There was no escape anyway, and whatever this was… it was bound to happen sooner or later.) Instead, she took note of the fact that he’d loosened three buttons on his shirt and simply stared down at her with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Are we…?”
“Only if you want to.”
“Do you?”
“… for a while now.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but what could she reply to that? It would be a lie to say that she hadn’t thought about it too: of her skin touching his underneath soft bed covers and breaths mingling. She was not a prude to know nothing about what as inevitable between them - they were married for goodness’ sake! (Just how many times was she going to emphasize this in her head?). However, she was pure to the act but there was no way she could say those thoughts out loud! Not that there were words she could say…. they seemed so foreign to her at that moment, with her eyes locked with his in a trance-like state and tracing (memorizing) every glint and shadow that passed through them. Suddenly, her hands reached up to cup his face (perhaps that was enough of an answer?) - surprising him and herself as she rubbed her thumb over the soft part of his cheek.
And then - there it was, suddenly. A tug in her chest, as if a string had been pulled there that propelled her to lean up towards him just as he brought his lips onto hers-
The knock on the door drove her out of her hazy path down memory lane and she lifted her eyes curiously at the wood of it. “Who is it?” she asked, the question echoing inside the bathroom. She expected to hear a young woman’s accented voice but was instead greeted by a baritone she loved and wanted to hate all at the same time. Why of all times, when I was just thinking of him - why did he have to be the one outside my door?
“Yoona, are you there?” Changmin called through the door and her breath caught in her chest. There was a light rustle from behind the wood and she imagined him shifting his stance from one foot to another and staring down the door, “Dinner will be ready soon and I haven’t seen you all day. Minyoung said you’ve been bathing for over an hour. Are you alright?”
Maybe if I stay quiet, he’ll go away.
“Yoona…?”I suppose not.
“I’m fine… I’ll be dressed in a while. Please just tell Mother, I’ll be down for dinner,” she replied anxiously, rising from the warm bath and reaching for her towel hanging from above her. She padded the material over her skin before wrapping it tightly around her, studying her face and expression all the while. With a nervous glance at the door, she turned the knob just a bit to reveal Changmin with his back turned and leaning against the frame. “You can go now… I’m done bathing and need to change.”
Changmin nodded, turning around to look from the wedge in the door. Yoona grasped the ends of her towel tightly and tried to appear nonchalant. She thanked the heat emanating from the bath for masking the blush she knew she had on her cheeks as his eyes studied hers and drifted slowly downwards. She cleared her throat when his gaze seemed to stay on her and raised an eyebrow, snapping her fingers to catch his attention.
“I said I need change. Shouldn’t you be out the door by now to leave me to dress in peace?” she said, looking at him pointedly as she stepped closer behind the door and peeked through the wedge. “I deserve some privacy in my own home.”
He shrugged, a grin spreading through his lips as he turned away from her and from the door. “True… but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” he said cheekily, earning one of Yoona’s bathroom slippers thrown onto his head.
Yoona glowered as Changmin looked back at her burning red face and smiled while he rubbed the back of his head from the impact. “Sorry. But isn’t it the truth?” he said, grinning at her just as she raised her other slipper to throw at him. That grin sent a shiver down her back therefore darkening her cheeks with red and weakening her knees at the sight.
Goddamn it, Shim Changmin. How is it possible you can still make me feel this way even though I should be furious at you?!She opened her mouth to scream at him to leave; only he’d already left and closed the door when she finally came to her senses.
She dropped slowly into a sitting position on the floor and groaned, shaking her head at how easy it was for heart to drop from under her and into his palm. Five years of absence and just like that, Changmin could easily pluck out her emotions and keep it close to him. She pressed a hand over her temple and bit her lip, breathing deeply as her heart settled into a calm rhythm finally before standing to get ready. “Damn cheeky bastard…” she mumbled under her breath as pulled on her undergarments in deliberate haste (just in case, he would reappear) and dressed simply in a crème colored skirt and white blouse.
Fluffing her hair out of the collar of her blouse and combing through it, Yoona considered her reflection for a moment and taking in the healthy blush across her pale skin and the watery shine in her eyes. It was already seven in the evening and knowing Mother Shim, she wouldn’t appreciate it if her daughter-in-law were any later for dinner than she already was. With this thought in mind, Yoona decided she looked normal enough in her attire and stood up to head down to the dinner table.
“Took you long enough.” Changmin said out of nowhere, stepping out from the shadows of the hallway to look at her knowingly. She stepped back just a bit when he came closer, studying her face and brushing back a hair past her cheek. Yoona tensed at the touch of his fingers on her skin and recoiled just a little bit as a small bolt electricity went through her. Damn it. Damn it.
Fortunately, he didn’t acknowledge the recoil and instead, turned his gaze away and down the hall. He started walking towards the stairs, calling out to her from over his shoulder - his tone casual and so very normal (given the circumstances):
“Come on - Mother won’t like it if we’re late.”
~*~*~*~*~
The dinner was exactly as she had pictured it: silent and awkward. Silent because Yoona had refused to comment on anything Changmin-related and awkward because her parents-in-law kept hinting on a “possible” reconciliation… not that it was needed - at least that was what she thought. They hadn’t fought, never had a reason to; he’d just left for five years without a word.
“The both of you cannot refuse to talk about this.” Father Shim said, shaking his head as his son and his daughter-in-law speared their food in silence. The tension between the two was palatable enough for even him - who usually liked to keep out of the way of anything personal - to notice. It had already been a week, for crying out loud and apparently they still hadn’t had a decent (or any) conversation at all. “This push-and-pull scenario the two of you have going on is making my head dizzy. Fix it somehow or we’ll always be sitting round here in silence!”
“Shh. It’s not our business, dear,” Mother soothed, patting her husband’s hand from beside him. She glanced at the pair seated around the circular table and sighed, noting the distance (Yoona had put) between them. She understood well enough that it wouldn’t be easy, considering all the silent pain Yoona went through and the length of absence Changmin had established in between. There was no easy way to go around it… but it would help to start talking it through. Unfortunately, this might prove to be more of a challenge than her asking Yoona to meet all the men she’d tried to pair with her over the past year.
Catching the glances they would both throw each other while the other wasn’t looking, Mother Shim realized that all her efforts would forever never bear fruit. There was just too much between them to dissect and fully understand by mere bystanders such as her.
“Well… so how was China, Changmin?” Mother asked finally, watching her son nonchalantly chew at his food while his wife inevitably stilled in her movements to wait for his response. She hadn’t gotten much information from her son about where he had really gone to except for a general location: China. They knew of some business partners from the country - but none of them had let them know of his appearance during the past five years. For all they knew, Changmin hadn’t gone or stayed at the capital cities where their business partners were located. It left a question of where had he gone in the country to hide out for five whole years? “We haven’t really sat down to talk, my son. I’d like to know about your… trip, please.”
Yoona choked on the word ‘trip’ and tried her hardest from scowling. That was such an understatement - ‘trip’? It was more of a relocation than a measly trip if only they had asked her to describe his absence. She wiped the side of her mouth with a napkin and continued to stare down at her food, all the waiting for him to speak. China, eh? He had gone to China - a place he’d once described as a “stressful place to visit” and one he would “never go back to” if given a chance. What a lie.
“China was alright. I went to Guilin, a province south of the country and on the west bank of the Li River. I stayed and worked there with a family that had a rice plantation like ours,” Changmin answered indifferently, never once giving away any nervousness he might or might not have at the moment. He met Yoona’s eyes from across the table while he spoke, as if he were telling her this information because she’d asked and not his mother. For some reason, the thought comforted her - he’d wanted her to know, even though she never would have asked. “Theirs was smaller compared to what we own here, but it was large enough for me to get darker like this.”
“What did you do-work in the fields? Somehow I find that hard to imagine.” She said, steeling her voice just in case she faltered in nervousness. Mother Shim raised an eyebrow at her but said nothing at her curt tone, while Father Shim hid a smile creeping onto his lips by bringing another spoonful of food to his mouth. She hadn’t meant for her tone to sound brusque or stern - but if hearing it had bother Changmin, he made no sign to show it. Instead, he’d just smiled at her direction and shrugged, sipping from his glass slowly.
“Actually, I did. I like to think that toiling in the fields gave me some perspective… it made me realize just how well we have it here in Korea especially now that Japanese occupation’s done and over with.” He replied in a casual tone, his eyes locked on her figure as she purposefully steered her gaze to anywhere but him. He let out an amused chuckle at this, as if daring her to take a chance and meet his eyes without flinching every so often.
Oh and she would, if she could - only Yoona knew that she was simply not ready for any more of that yet. Her heart still tumbled and her insides still skittered in anxiety and bewilderment in his presence. One slip up could bring her back to square one (under his spell and turning a blind-eye at all the pain he’d put her through) and she might never ever get the truths she deserved. She let out a sigh of frustration under her breath and glanced at him, “Does this mean you’ll start helping the workers in the fields too?”
“He’s been doing just that since he came back actually.” Father said, surprising her with his bout of information. She blinked in surprise, raising an eyebrow at her mother-in-law who only shrugged and smiled mysteriously in response. With a chuckle, Father Shim patted his son’s shoulder good-naturedly and grinned. “I was surprised myself, my dear. Who would have thought my son would be knee deep in mud, planting seedlings in a row?”
“Somehow I don’t think it would suit him. He’s too much of a prince, unfortunately.” Yoona huffed, rolling her eyes at Changmin who was watching her with an amused expression on his face. She said nothing as he suddenly leaned forward towards her, propping his fingers onto her chin and forcing her to look at him with his face inches from hers. She briefly cursed the fact that family table was round but didn’t move away despite flinching here and there under his touch. It would be embarrassing to turn away in front of her in-laws… she was still bound to this man after all. No matter how idiotic he truly was.
“I’m not so much a prince as you are a princess,” He said, smirking at her.
“I’ll have you know that I’ve changed since you’ve been absent.”
“As have I.”
Yoona frowned at him, finally pulling her chin away from him to turn back to her dinner. His tone was challenging her to say something she would both regret and be proud of. She considered the consequences if she said everything that were on her mind at that very moment. What would happen if she suddenly said that she both dreaded and looked forward to seeing him sip his coffee every morning while she slipped out of her room without anyone noticing or that even though she’d been avoiding him, she’d asked all the maids to make him a packed lunch because she knew how engrossed he’d be in his work and how big his appetite still was. She laughed at herself and came to the conclusion that she was either asking him to cause more trouble in her head or an opening to embarrass herself even further - anyway, it didn’t matter. Things were already complicated and humiliating… why stop now?
Yoona held her place in his gaze. “I’m sure you’ve changed, husband. If you were the old Shim Changmin, you wouldn’t dare touch me in front of your parents.” She replied coolly, the stress in that one word somehow echoing across the dinner table and resounding in her ears the moment she said it.
A snort of laughter came from beside her moments later and the couple turned their eyes to the elderly couple chuckling underneath their breaths at their exchange. Mother Shim held her hand up in attempt to say that they should just ignore them but with the cheery grin on her face, it was hard not to notice. Yoona blinked at her parents-in-law in awe before turning back to look at Changmin who also did the same. “Are they laughing at us?” she asked in a stage whisper, her brow furrowed on the top of her nose.
“I think they are,” he replied in amusement - it was directed to his parents, but it felt as though it was also unconsciously directed to her - and shook his head. Changmin leaned back against his seat and cocked his head to the side, raising an eyebrow at his mother still giggling at them. “I suppose we entertain them, wife. We should bicker more often.” He snorted at her and shrugged, glancing back at Yoona who was still rather confused with what was going on.
His father shook his head, laughing still in his mirth. “It’s been awhile since we’ve heard Yoona say things so… passionately,” he said, grinning at the incredulous look Yoona threw him at his words. She opened her mouth (“Father! What are you saying? I’ve always talked like this.”), lightly hit him across the table on the arm and glancing at her mother-in-law for help - only to receive another laugh in response.
Changmin looked interested at this new information and raised his eyebrow. “Has she been a bore while I was gone?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and giving her a teasing sideway glance. Yoona inwardly groaned in frustration and unconsciously kicked him under the table. He let out a surprised yelp and reached down to rub his shin. All the while, he grinned at her with an easiness that only fumed her annoyance more. “I see you haven’t lost your strength. Your aim is better now.”
“I’ve had time to practice.” She rolled her eyes at him, a small smile betraying her lips as she considered his response. She briefly remembered a time years ago when he’d teased her for missing countless shots whenever she tried to hit him with anything (her pillow, her hand, her shoe, her knee) when he (although it was seldom) teased her. “But it’s really either I’ve gotten better or you’re just playing dumb.”
“Perhaps, it’s both.” Changmin offered, his eyes suddenly softening. Yoona noticed the change and looked away, feeling warmth come to her cheeks and said nothing in return. From awkward to teasing to awkward again, it was a blur how quickly the atmosphere shifted between them. She couldn’t quite put a finger into what it was that made it so easy for them to revert to their former selves and then end up going back to what was the reality of five years of absence.
Luckily, he didn’t say anymore and went back to his dinner - successfully bringing his parents attention back to him with a well-placed joke while she pondered inside her head. Yoona glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and pursed her lips - I don’t understand you, Changmin.
“Forgive me for interrupting, but a man named Lee Minho has just arrived for Madam Yoona,” a young maid announced, creeping up from behind them with a soft knock on the wall to catch their attention. Yoona’s eyes widened surprise at her maid, as did Changmin’s and everyone else’s around the table. She looked at her mother-in-law beside her and blinked at her in confusion; her eyes shining in question: Minho? Why is here? Did you send him here, Mother?
The only response she got from the elder woman was another confused look as well, and with that Yoona decided to speak up.
“Did he tell you what he’s here for, Minyoung?” she asked, tilting her head to the side as she laid her utensils on the side of her plate. As far as she knew, Minho’s next visit was tomorrow afternoon - not tonight, in the middle of dinner with her husband and parents-in-law - and so it was only her guess why he would be there at her home all of the sudden.
The maid, Minyoung, shook her head. “He didn’t say much, madam… just that he’d like to speak to you about his visit tomorrow.”
“Oh. Well, perhaps he’s going to reschedule?” Mother Shim suggested, turning her head to look at her son and daughter-in-law to gauge their reactions. Yoona was clearly still confused by the whole thing, while Changmin’s face seemed to darken in concern.
Their eyes met for a split second - an electric charge suddenly filling the room as it gave off mixed feelings of confusion, curiosity, regret and jealousy. The older couple’s lips lifted up simultaneously as they turned to glance at each other knowingly and Mother Shim silently clicked her tongue in resignation. It was almost amusing how easy it was for them to argue and misunderstand each other but not realize how the other feels when it was truly needed.
“Who is Lee Minho?” Changmin asked suddenly, his words cutting through the silence so swiftly Yoona felt a chill run up her spine. There was a tone in his voice she couldn’t make out, but it was definitely there - sharp and biting. She turned to glare at him with no reason why she suddenly felt infuriated and held her nose up high.
“It’s not your business to ask,” she huffed, lifting herself off her seat to motion for her maid to go back and tell her guest that she’d be out in a moment. “Who I befriend over the time you’ve been away is none of your concern.”
Changmin’s eyes narrowed as he stood up as well, “Are you sure you want to use that argument, Yoona?”
Yoona considered his words, looking straight into his eyes. They stared at each other for a whole minute, weighing each other down until finally she gave up and turned away, pulling her attention away from him and out towards the door. Changmin grunted under his breath as her steps faded. He then turned to his parents and gave a curt bow, taking long strides towards the door to follow her without another word.
The elderly couple let out a sigh and glanced at each other.
“It’s time they come into terms, I think.” Father Shim said, wiping his mouth with a napkin and finishing his glass of water in one gulp. His wife nodded her head, eyes melancholy as she stared off at the doorway her son and daughter-in-law had just passed through.
There was no doubt that there would be trouble ahead now that the young couple was finally reunited and things are not as simple as they would like them to be. Years of absence cannot be erased with smiles; neither could making each other jealous unconsciously do any better for the situation. The overwhelming air of hurt and covered half-truths should be cleared, and soon.
A heart could only wait for so long after all.
“Let’s hope they finally find the courage to do so.”
~*~*~*~*~
“I’m so sorry to disturb you but I really needed to see you tonight.” Minho apologized, standing abruptly as soon as he saw Yoona emerge from the door. She was as beautiful as the last time he’d seen her and his grin unconsciously widened as the young woman bowed politely in greeting and gave a small smile. He held out his hand for hers and lightly kissed it when she accepted (albeit, consciously - but he expected that). “With my business going as fast as it is at the moment, I’m afraid we might have to meet later than we’d originally planned. I wanted to let you know as soon as I realized it.”
“Oh… well, I’m happy to see you nonetheless” Yoona replied, her lips pressed into a thin smile. She was happy to see him - she really was, but tonight of all nights was not the best time to visit. “However, if you were going to reschedule… I think, perhaps you should have called instead of going all the way over here?”
A cloud passed over his features and she instantly felt guilty about silently dismissing him with her words. She didn’t mean to, but there was no other way. Changmin - anyone - could come in any moment and make things even more complicated than it already was. No matter how innocent her thoughts were of her friendship with this young man, Lee Minho, other notions could be misunderstood if her husband were to see them together standing close and speaking in a casual way. Yoona gave him another smile and patted his arm lightly, motioning for him to sit down on the couch with her. She kept her hands on her lap as she faced him. “I’m really very sorry for my rudeness, but you see… now is not the best time.”
Minho nodded uncertainly, tilting his head to the side slightly to look at her at a better angle. “I see… forgive me, but may I ask why?” he asked, his eyes filling with obvious concern at her peculiar behavior. Yoona wondered if she wasn’t doing much of a good job hiding her anxiety from him (or anyone for that matter) and gave a soft resigned sigh when he suddenly reached out to touch her cheek and she quickly moved away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Minho looked embarrassed and hurt all at the same time. Once again, she felt a wave of guilt and sadness for him.
“No, no - it’s fine. It’s… I’m just not comfortable right now, you see.” Yoona lowered her eyes, discreetly glancing at the corners to check if anyone was listening, “Something unexpected came up while you were away and has taken much of my attention. If this weren’t the case, I would gladly let you stay and chat tonight - but I simply cannot allow that at the moment. I hope you understand, my friend.”
“Something unexpected?” he echoed, raising an eyebrow. She nodded her head gravely, “Yes. Something very unexpected.” Minho-shii… please don’t ask anymore questions.
Minho nodded as well, leaning back against his seat. Yoona could tell he was curious and inwardly wished for him to not press further - all the while knowing he would, because he was curious and interested in her. Didn’t he say that the first time they met? “Would it be rude if I were to ask what it was that’s unexpected? Or am I fishing for something our friendship is not allowed to venture forth at present time?” He asked, staring straight into her eyes.
Yoona shrugged her shoulders. “Minho-shii… this isn’t-”
“I think what my wife is trying to stress is that - tonight isn’t the best time to visit a friend.” Changmin’s voice flitted across the room suddenly, causing her to straighten in her seat instantaneously and look back at him leaning against the door frame that connected the parlor to the dining room. The gaze his eyes bore into hers was surprisingly fiery - angry almost… jealous, even. Changmin started towards them, stopping just far enough to bow slightly in formal greeting as he considered her companion. Yoona bit the inside of her cheek and lowered her head, her thoughts racing as Minho stood up abruptly to face him and they sized each other up.
Oh God, why? Why must this happen to me now?She regretted agreeing to meet Minho suddenly in her mind and felt sorry. If she hadn’t then perhaps, this face-off her husband and her friend were now doing wouldn’t have to happen.
Changmin held himself in check at the sight of this young man in front of him and slowly pulled out his hand. This man, Lee Minho, didn’t look like anyone familiar to him - and with the way Yoona lowered her head and avoided his gaze, he figured that her new friend was new in town and didn’t know who he was. A sardonic smile crossed his lips as he realized this and proceeded to introduce himself for this new man’s sake. The truth had to be revealed - Lee Minho had to know whose house he was stepping into so casually.
“I am Yoona’s ‘estranged’ husband, so to speak. My name is Shim Changmin.”
At the mention of the name, Minho’s eyes widened in surprise and he turned to look at her distressed expression. She nodded silently, resigning into her seat as Minho carefully stepped back as her husband came closer.
Cautiously, he shook Changmin’s outstretched hand and felt him grip his with a firmness that both shocked and impressed him all at the same time. So he’s the infamous husband, eh? The young man scrutinized him with a wary look about his face, slightly frustrated at the fact that he’d expected to see someone much older and stupid-looking but instead was faced with a capable looking man who looked neither too old nor stupid. In fact, Shim Changmin was quite handsome and looked every bit an intelligent man. Not at all the type one would expect to leave a wife as beautiful as Im Yoona for years at a time.
He’s still pretty stupid though, he thought in slight contempt. Minho offered him a casual smile, but felt it too forced and the smirk he received as a response on seemed to boil his already biting dislike against Changmin. He’s married to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on and he left her just like that. What an idiot.
“It’s good to meet you, Sir Changmin. My name is Lee Minho, a new friend of Yoona’s.”
Changmin nodded, shrugging his shoulder easily. “So I’ve heard,” he replied, stepping over to hover beside Yoona’s still and sitting frame. It did not escape Minho’s notice how she slowly lifted her eyes up to look at her husband and cautiously reach out to pull the fabric of his shirt, her lips pressed into a line. They seemed to talk with their eyes, a flurry of emotions running past their orbs so fast it was hard to make out anything substantial from it. Instead all Minho was able to extract was the fact that he was in no way capable of understanding what was truly between them at all - no matter how many stories he’s heard from the townspeople and the kind Mistress Shim.
They were on their own little world and Minho did not like feeling out of the box. He breathed in deeply and pasted on another casual smile on his face, clapping his hands together to bring the couple out of each other’s gaze. “It’s late. I should get going,” he said, bowing to them both politely. “I’ll come by again in two day’s time, Miss Yoona. Will the afternoon of the 6th be alright?”
Yoona turned her attention to Minho in surprise, eyes blinking in confusion for a moment before she suddenly felt a wave of guilt at the realization of their current situation. She glanced over at Changmin standing beside her and inwardly shook her head at the look he gave her in return. Then she stood up to bow to her guest as well, carefully elbowing her husband with one swift movement in the gut. Changmin could do nothing but only cough discreetly to hide whatever discomfort he felt and said nothing.
“The afternoon on the 6th is alright, Minho. I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but…” she trailed off, smiling sheepishly at him. The circumstances might have been inopportune but it didn’t make her any less lovely as she was at every moment. Minho cracked a better smile and shook his head, “It is fine, Miss Im. You don’t have to apologize. You are still married after all… it’s bound to happen, isn’t it?”
He’s bound to come back is what he meant to say, and Yoona knew this (Changmin did too, she could tell by the way his smirk thinned out of his lips and settled into a frown - God, why?) but felt grateful he hadn’t phrased it in that way. Turning her head to glance at the quiet man beside her to stay put, she laughed lightly and gestured Minho towards the exit, placing a hand on his shoulder as she led him away from the parlor. They were silent all the way to the door and bowed once again before Minho finally left and Yoona was left to catch the breath she was holding in ever since the moment Changmin suddenly appeared to make things complicated.
Just like he’s always done, she thought bitterly and sighing deeply. She leaned back against the door and pressed a hand on her face. “Why must you do that? Announce yourself in such a way that you embarrassed me in front of a friend?” Yoona asked, her tone taut as his familiar figure stepped towards her slowly. She didn’t need to see his face to know that he was thinking about what she’d just said and waited with her hand on her cheek and her eyes downcast. “You know how I’ve always had very few friends, Changmin. Did you really have to alienate the only one I have right now?”
“He doesn’t seem to only think of you as a friend though.” He replied, his hands in his pockets and his shadow covering her almost fully. Changmin lifted her chin and propelled her gaze to his. “I saw the way he looked at you. His eyes didn’t say ‘friends’ at all. Is he courting you, perhaps?”
“Your mother would know.” She countered evenly.
His lips cracked into a small smile. “Of course.”
They stayed like that - staring into each other - for a moment more before Yoona broke the gaze and pulled back, turning to step heavily towards the staircase. This night was already difficult to begin with, and she desperately needed some rest. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new beginning - a new cycle of the push-and-pull game her heart and mind played within her at the very thought of Shim Changmin in such close proximity.
“I’m going to bed. Good night, Changmin-”
“Don’t see him again.” He called out, stopping her in her tracks at the peculiar sincerity in his voice, “Don’t see him again, Yoona.”
Her heart lurched in her chest while her mind reeled with questions and confusion.Why of all times was he saying this to her now? After five years of waiting - five years of wondering and never having any sign or hope that he would return - how could he say that after hurting her so much? While it was true that Minho’s intentions were more of that of a friend, it didn’t change the fact that Yoona had allowed him friendship and Changmin had no authority to tell her what she should do. At least, he had no authority in her mind - they were still married, yes, but a lot had changed. He’d changed and so did… parts of her change as well. (The important part - her heart, her love - this hadn’t changed at all, but he wouldn’t know that. No.)
“And why not? You saw other women, why should I not be given the same allowance with other men?” She turned to him slowly, her eyes cold and hardened despite herself.
“Don’t make this about the past, Yoona.” Changmin shook his head as he walked towards her. His statement surprised her and she stared at him as he stopped in front of her. He didn’t reach out, although he seemed like her wanted to, his hands dangling by his sides as he spoke. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Not that you ever did listen even then.”
“What?”
“There were no other women.”
No. No, there were. I saw you! I saw you and Sooyoung-
“You are my only woman. Just you, Yoona.”
Days passed after the night the true heir of the Shim family returned with such normalcy, it rattled Yoona’s heart and mind to the core. The shock hadn’t worn off yet, even though it had already been several days since Changmin had walked into her life again and picked up where he left off in the family’s business affairs. She hadn’t expected it to wear off at all to be honest, given the fact that she’d avoided him since then despite knowing that she shouldn’t run away anymore. Changmin had been the one to leave after all… she hadn’t done wrong by him (or anyone for that matter) at all.
Yoona sighed, sinking into the warm steam of her bath and poured water across her face. Mother had announced that they were going to have a complete family dinner (again) for once and that they should all be presentable at the table - hence the warm bubble bath she had going for her that early evening.
“You need to look refreshed, my dear.” Mother had said, patting her cheek lovingly when she’d finally finished working - looking frazzled and dusty all over, “At least for me.”
She pressed a soft towel to her arm and tried to relax herself; scrubbing away the dust of work she’d forced herself to do that day to avoid meeting her husband at the plantations.
Husband.The word sounded heavy and bitter in her mouth even without saying it out loud, and yet at the same time strangely comforting. She shook her head. Clearly she had so much more to work through before she could finally let go of everything that was Shim Changmin, her husband. Today had just been the beginning: avoiding him was the first step.
Yoona checked on her family’s sugar plantation first, making sure to tiptoe past Changmin when he finally arrived before going to the Shim family’s rice mill to peruse on the workers’ activities and give them some sustenance. She didn’t stop to rest when she came home after that and made sure that she was always found doing something, just in case Changmin or any of his subordinates decided to call upon her. With luck, he hadn’t tried to speak to her since the night he returned. And quite frankly, for now - while her heart still shook with fury and so much love she couldn’t (and will never) voice out to him - the distance was all for the best.
She wished it was easier. As much as she wanted to reach out and forgive him, she simply could not. If only she had a true friend to confide in but even that was hard to come by - not when the last friend she’d given all her trust to ended up being the one to betray her in the most horrible way between friends. Choi Sooyoung had been her best friend and sister since they were children and why she could have destroyed their friendship just like that… Oh, that’s a story for another time, Yoona told herself. She, at least, had another friend - Minho - but he was still off in a trip with his father and could not be contacted until soon. She’d have to wait till he returned before she could escape from meeting her husband by hiding behind another man.
Ugh. That sounded so callous. For her, for Minho… for Changmin.
Looking up at the ceiling, Yoona bit her lip as an image of him flooded her mind’s eye. It would be a lie if she said that she hadn’t stopped to watch him since he’d arrived. Because despite her insistence of keeping distance, Yoona knew in her heart that she was incapable of ignoring his presence in her home. Didn’t she always visit her memories with him everyday before he’d come back? Thinking back on moments they shared and on to feelings she had refused to show before he left? She couldn’t lie to herself about that - she couldn’t lie about the fact that in the last four years, she had wished for nothing more than for him to return. Never mind the anger he rightfully deserved to receive and the foolish regret she felt for not doing anything to make him stay… Yoona simply wanted him home.
And he was home, finally. With each moment passing by that thought, her heart gave a lurch of sadness against her chest.
Changmin settled in sleeping in another room, far from hers, the night he returned and has slept there since. She heard him say to the help that night that “Your mistress wouldn’t want me to sleep in our room, I’m sure and I understand perfectly why” - and she had appreciated it for the most part, because she didn’t think her heart could take it if he had suddenly appeared next to her the following morning… while the shock was still so strong and gripping her senses. However, a small part of her had wanted him to come to her door - to plead with her to let him enter or something but she knew it was foolish to want that to happen.
Shim Changmin was a proud and capable man. He never begged, even when he should. He might have been gone for five years, but she knew that part of him would never change. It was innate in his family’s biology. It was one of those traits that had infuriated and attracted him to her in the first place. His pride and determination, among others, had captured her to him. She wouldn’t have wanted that part of him changed either, even given the circumstances of their relationship now.
Yoona sank dipper into the warm water, relaxing into the heat that touched her whole body and skin. She thought of him again: of his dark eyes and his thin lips, the sharp edge of his jaw, the broadness of his shoulders and the calloused pads of his fingers upon her cheek. She shivered despite the warmth, her cheeks coloring pink as arousal set into her stomach and swirled there. Perusing her current position now, she looked back into her memories and realized how familiar this feeling was from back five years ago. Hadn’t she felt this way when he had come to her that night? Soothing her confused thoughts with words slipping out from the baritone of his voice as they slid into a comfortable understanding as husband and wife?
She remembered being so troubled back then, by the words the elders and her peers had told her about being fruitless a three months after their honeymoon. It bothered her to think that her marriage was being scrutinized by so many people - almost all of them only interested in the news of an heir and nothing more. The elders had called her useless - unable to bear fruit for the established family line while her peers had called her hopeless - for not plunging into an act with her handsome husband they said they would’ve gladly done if they were in her shoes.
Yoona frowned at the thought of those ill-advised meetings. None of them knew much about her or her relationship with the Shim family, nothing aside from the ridiculous stories people cast over the city, and so how could they judge her in such a harsh way? They were definitely not in her shoes, and if they were they would know just how good it was to be included in such a close-knit family. Her marriage with Changmin might have been arranged but she had grown to love him over time. He had too, she liked to think (Such a foolish thought, her mind bristled)… wasn’t that enough for the rumor mill, at least?
No, of course not.The mill needed to keep going and she had always been an easy target. Yoona struggled to keep from vomiting in her mouth at remembering all the inappropriate and perverted things her peers and elders had ‘advised’ her that day -“You’re only worth something if you’re married, dear. No one appreciates a headstrong lady without purpose.” Ugh. The gall of their words disgusted and hurt her in more ways than it should.
Her cheeks were as pink as they were on her face right now when she’d blurted it out to him one night, surprising him while he went over numerous business accounts at his desk.
The memory had gone in this way:
“They say I must be unattractive if we hadn’t even slept under one blanket yet.”She blurted out, balling fists into her skirt as she tried desperately not to cry, “They said that I’ll only bring misfortune to the family since I still haven’t produced an heir. Is that really all I’m worth for? How stupid could they be to take that notion seriously?!”
It was a stupid notion to compare a woman’s worth to how many sons she could produce but it had hurt her deeply. Their words had wounded her soul harder than she thought they would be able to. And she felt utterly helpless, knowing it was partially true. Since their wedding, Changmin had not once slept beside her - well, he had in a sense, but with separate blankets and he’d always stay unmoving on his side. Though he had told her that he was simply giving her privacy and space (“-since this isn’t what you had in mind in the first place. I don’t want to take from you anything else you’re not willing to give” were his exact words in Paris), Yoona couldn’t dispel the ill feeling brewing inside of her that perhaps everything they said about their marriage was true. Perhaps, Changmin wasn’t attracted to her at all and that’s why he wouldn’t truly share a bed. Perhaps, he didn’t want to be married to her even more than she didn’t want to be married at 17 either.
These childish thoughts of hers, she thinks, hurt a lot too. Maybe even more.
She continued her rant, with a fiery rage that smoked embers to her temper. “It not as if the heavens would fall if we didn’t have a child after being married three months! Goodness! All they see is the fact that we’re a young married couple ‘with limitless energy and time to spare’, and yet are without an heir. Ugh! Why are people so judgmental?!”
Changmin patiently listened to her rant without a word, looking at her with an indescribable expression on his face up until she turned around in defeat and marched to their bedroom. She hadn’t expected him to do anything about her fuming tirade... from what she had observed over the course of the days is that his reaction went one of two ways: he would either ignore or delve into arguing with his biting sarcasm and wit. Changmin seemed to favor the latter quite a bit and she had found it amusing to watch when he did so with other people. However at this circumstance, neither were the reactions she needed. If anything she wanted, at least, to see him respond just a little bit. She wanted him to tell her she was mistaken or something - anything! But instead, he’d just sat there in his desk, listening to her every word.
It took him an hour or two after her outrage to be in the same room as her again, leaning against the door frame and watching her sit solemnly on her side of the bed and dressed in her nightgown.
Yoona had laid out his pillow and blanket on the edge of the bed, where it would be easy for him to arrange himself on his side of the mattress. That was the arrangement he’d silently arranged for himself since they’d married, and although it was strange and bothered her to wake up to see her husband’s back turned from her, Yoona did nothing to reprimand him. Perhaps that was another reason why people didn’t think of them much as a couple? They were nothing of the sort of lovey-dovey couple most people expected. She’d never chastised him in public, unlike how Mother and Father Shim would playfully and lovingly bicker outdoors. Yoona sighed, there was no use to worrying about that now… she should just accept the fact that her marriage was a joke to many and she was one of those who thought so too.
“I’m sorry for earlier… it’s been a rough day. We should get some sleep,” she said half-heartedly, waving her hand to the side when she heard him enter the room and moved towards the center of the room.
She slipped into the sheets of the bed and turned to her side, staring out at the window without bothering to wait for him to reply, and watched as the crescent moon shine across the night sky. It was a particularly chilly night, she mused - noting the way the branches and leaves of the tree near the gate swayed softly with the wind. There was a rustle of movement from behind her but she ignored it, entranced by the fluttering leaves and the brightness of the moon. Yoona’s thoughts drifted to the thin blanket she’d prepared for Changmin and pursed her lips, thinking: Maybe I should get him a thicker blanket?
She didn’t have enough time to react when the bed suddenly dipped beside her and a long, lean arm suddenly enveloped her slender frame while the other was propped up to anchor his head. Yoona froze almost immediately at the contact, eyes widening at the realization that her husband - her stoic, no-nonsense husband - had just gotten into bed with her - and under the same blanket. She kept her head stationary at one side and breathed deeply, trying to keep her heart from hammering against her chest. No matter how sudden this was - it was also so very comfortable. Natural, even! It was this knowledge that unnerved her the most.
This can’t be happening, she thought as she tried to calm her already quickening heart, what the hell is he going to do?
“What are you-doing?”Her voice caught in her throat midway through the sentence. She tucked her chin in and waited for him to reply, the sound of his breathing mingling with hers.
“I’m going to sleep next to my wife under one blanket… you know, it’s something ‘married couples’ do.”
It surprised her often at how casual he could be with her sometimes; speaking to her as if they had known each other personally for years and not just for several months. She wondered why he couldn’t be that way all of the time - but then the childish (and hurtful) thoughts would kick in and she keeps from pulling her heart out for him to see. Yoona could practically feel him smirk from behind her, probably teasing her for her earlier emphasis in her rant and (unfortunately) she felt a smile creep onto her lips. Elbowing him softly on his rib while rolling her eyes in amusement despite her better judgment, she said, “Be serious. You know what I mean.”
Changmin sighed into her hair, mumbling a fragment of her name and she stilled once again. “Changmin?”
“Does it matter what they think? About us, I mean.”He said, seemingly talking to himself more than to her. He shifted behind her, his hand motionless on her stomach. It was warm, his skin... The heat swirled in her stomach as he (unconsciously?) rubbed a thumb over the smoothness of the fabric of her nightgown. “They know nothing about us… they don’t know how good our parents’ friendship was, or how my father thought of your father as a brother. Why should their opinions matter when they don’t know anything?”
His words cut through her insides and she pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep from spilling sudden tears hidden underneath her lashes. If there was any other moment to speak her mind, it would be now but what would she say? And why should she? It’s not like I’m anywhere ready to tell him that I care for him.
“Jump in anytime with your thoughts, Yoona. Hearing you rant earlier was interesting.”
Yoona laughed aloud despite herself, elbowing him once again - harder this time - and shrugged. Did he want her to tell him things truthfully? Her honest thoughts about their arrangement of a marriage, her steadily growing love for him and how much it scared her to feel this way for someone who didn’t feel the same way? It was true that no one else knew them as much as they knew themselves… but what of each other? They’ve never really spoken in deep conversation before, even though she wanted and there were moments where he looked like he wanted to as well. They had stared off into space side by side, but did that count for knowing each other? No. Probably not.
“Fine. Maybe, you’re right about how their words shouldn’t matter… but… I wonder - is there anything about us?” Yoona asked, laboring her breathing to match his calm one and brushing her hand over his forearm. She wondered if he was as confused and dizzy under her touch as she was with his.
His hand unconsciously pressed against her stomach - his touch sending a burning up and down her insides. She pursed her lips together and tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach when he spoke again: “What do you mean?”
She considered her words. “Oh… you know… we’re married but what do we know about each other aside from that we are husband and wife? It’s true that our families have a wonderful relationship - but it’s our marriage, not theirs. I only know who you are to the public… and the same goes for your knowledge of me.” Yoona bit her lower lip and thought about how to finish her explanation. She inwardly wished that her words wouldn’t be misunderstood by him and drive a wedge between what was already a confusing relationship.“I don’t know… I suppose I don’t think it’s fair to ignore them if we have as much understanding about each other as they do.”
“Does that mean you want to know more about me privately?”Changmin asked, his tone hinted with irony. Yoona sighed in mock exasperation (oh, he understood what she meant but had decided to go into a sarcastic route he seemed to favor) and elbowed him on the ribs again. “And vice versa, Changmin. Don’t you want to know more about me too?”
Oh. Was that a nod? Yoona felt the hairs on her nape stand up as his head slowly bobbed up and down after a moment’s thought - the movement answering her question and elating her mood in more ways than what was possible. She kept her head down as another smile made itself known on her lips. Could it be possible to love and hate this night anymore than she already did? He wanted to know more about her… the happiness upon learning that fact made it easy for her to relax substantially in his arms.
The moonlight had grown dim now because of the clouds that covered it from sight, but one could still see the outline of it clearly. Yoona had always thought of the moon to be a foreboding body of extraterrestrial land, but at that moment the moon was a beautiful and welcome sight to see. The seconds ticked on as they enjoyed the silence that inevitably enveloped them.
And then-“Look at me.” Changmin urged in a mellow tone; his breath warm against the back of her neck and making the hair on the ends of her arms stand up once again. She lowered her eyes from the moon and closed her eyes in attempt to look as if she were already asleep, her heart hammering on beneath her breast. His fingers found its way under her chin, tracing lines against her skin. “Hey… I know you’re still awake. Just look at me, please.”
“Why should I?”she asked, her voice unusually strained and soft. His hand cupped her cheek and pulled her face slowly towards him.
“Because I want to know you… and because you are my wife, and I am your husband.”
“How long are you going to emphasize that last bit?”
“For as long as you do indirectly.”
“I don’t emphasize indirect-”
“Yoona.”
Finally, Yoona allowed herself to crane her neck just far enough to catch sight of his eyes-before he immediately took advantage of her (slightly) awkward position and hovered over her with his hand at either side of her head. She blinked up at him, shocked at this turn of events but didn’t move away. (There was no escape anyway, and whatever this was… it was bound to happen sooner or later.) Instead, she took note of the fact that he’d loosened three buttons on his shirt and simply stared down at her with an unreadable expression on his face.
“Are we…?”
“Only if you want to.”
“Do you?”
“… for a while now.”
She opened her mouth to respond, but what could she reply to that? It would be a lie to say that she hadn’t thought about it too: of her skin touching his underneath soft bed covers and breaths mingling. She was not a prude to know nothing about what as inevitable between them - they were married for goodness’ sake! (Just how many times was she going to emphasize this in her head?). However, she was pure to the act but there was no way she could say those thoughts out loud! Not that there were words she could say…. they seemed so foreign to her at that moment, with her eyes locked with his in a trance-like state and tracing (memorizing) every glint and shadow that passed through them. Suddenly, her hands reached up to cup his face (perhaps that was enough of an answer?) - surprising him and herself as she rubbed her thumb over the soft part of his cheek.
And then - there it was, suddenly. A tug in her chest, as if a string had been pulled there that propelled her to lean up towards him just as he brought his lips onto hers-
The knock on the door drove her out of her hazy path down memory lane and she lifted her eyes curiously at the wood of it. “Who is it?” she asked, the question echoing inside the bathroom. She expected to hear a young woman’s accented voice but was instead greeted by a baritone she loved and wanted to hate all at the same time. Why of all times, when I was just thinking of him - why did he have to be the one outside my door?
“Yoona, are you there?” Changmin called through the door and her breath caught in her chest. There was a light rustle from behind the wood and she imagined him shifting his stance from one foot to another and staring down the door, “Dinner will be ready soon and I haven’t seen you all day. Minyoung said you’ve been bathing for over an hour. Are you alright?”
Maybe if I stay quiet, he’ll go away.
“Yoona…?”I suppose not.
“I’m fine… I’ll be dressed in a while. Please just tell Mother, I’ll be down for dinner,” she replied anxiously, rising from the warm bath and reaching for her towel hanging from above her. She padded the material over her skin before wrapping it tightly around her, studying her face and expression all the while. With a nervous glance at the door, she turned the knob just a bit to reveal Changmin with his back turned and leaning against the frame. “You can go now… I’m done bathing and need to change.”
Changmin nodded, turning around to look from the wedge in the door. Yoona grasped the ends of her towel tightly and tried to appear nonchalant. She thanked the heat emanating from the bath for masking the blush she knew she had on her cheeks as his eyes studied hers and drifted slowly downwards. She cleared her throat when his gaze seemed to stay on her and raised an eyebrow, snapping her fingers to catch his attention.
“I said I need change. Shouldn’t you be out the door by now to leave me to dress in peace?” she said, looking at him pointedly as she stepped closer behind the door and peeked through the wedge. “I deserve some privacy in my own home.”
He shrugged, a grin spreading through his lips as he turned away from her and from the door. “True… but it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” he said cheekily, earning one of Yoona’s bathroom slippers thrown onto his head.
Yoona glowered as Changmin looked back at her burning red face and smiled while he rubbed the back of his head from the impact. “Sorry. But isn’t it the truth?” he said, grinning at her just as she raised her other slipper to throw at him. That grin sent a shiver down her back therefore darkening her cheeks with red and weakening her knees at the sight.
Goddamn it, Shim Changmin. How is it possible you can still make me feel this way even though I should be furious at you?!She opened her mouth to scream at him to leave; only he’d already left and closed the door when she finally came to her senses.
She dropped slowly into a sitting position on the floor and groaned, shaking her head at how easy it was for heart to drop from under her and into his palm. Five years of absence and just like that, Changmin could easily pluck out her emotions and keep it close to him. She pressed a hand over her temple and bit her lip, breathing deeply as her heart settled into a calm rhythm finally before standing to get ready. “Damn cheeky bastard…” she mumbled under her breath as pulled on her undergarments in deliberate haste (just in case, he would reappear) and dressed simply in a crème colored skirt and white blouse.
Fluffing her hair out of the collar of her blouse and combing through it, Yoona considered her reflection for a moment and taking in the healthy blush across her pale skin and the watery shine in her eyes. It was already seven in the evening and knowing Mother Shim, she wouldn’t appreciate it if her daughter-in-law were any later for dinner than she already was. With this thought in mind, Yoona decided she looked normal enough in her attire and stood up to head down to the dinner table.
“Took you long enough.” Changmin said out of nowhere, stepping out from the shadows of the hallway to look at her knowingly. She stepped back just a bit when he came closer, studying her face and brushing back a hair past her cheek. Yoona tensed at the touch of his fingers on her skin and recoiled just a little bit as a small bolt electricity went through her. Damn it. Damn it.
Fortunately, he didn’t acknowledge the recoil and instead, turned his gaze away and down the hall. He started walking towards the stairs, calling out to her from over his shoulder - his tone casual and so very normal (given the circumstances):
“Come on - Mother won’t like it if we’re late.”
~*~*~*~*~
The dinner was exactly as she had pictured it: silent and awkward. Silent because Yoona had refused to comment on anything Changmin-related and awkward because her parents-in-law kept hinting on a “possible” reconciliation… not that it was needed - at least that was what she thought. They hadn’t fought, never had a reason to; he’d just left for five years without a word.
“The both of you cannot refuse to talk about this.” Father Shim said, shaking his head as his son and his daughter-in-law speared their food in silence. The tension between the two was palatable enough for even him - who usually liked to keep out of the way of anything personal - to notice. It had already been a week, for crying out loud and apparently they still hadn’t had a decent (or any) conversation at all. “This push-and-pull scenario the two of you have going on is making my head dizzy. Fix it somehow or we’ll always be sitting round here in silence!”
“Shh. It’s not our business, dear,” Mother soothed, patting her husband’s hand from beside him. She glanced at the pair seated around the circular table and sighed, noting the distance (Yoona had put) between them. She understood well enough that it wouldn’t be easy, considering all the silent pain Yoona went through and the length of absence Changmin had established in between. There was no easy way to go around it… but it would help to start talking it through. Unfortunately, this might prove to be more of a challenge than her asking Yoona to meet all the men she’d tried to pair with her over the past year.
Catching the glances they would both throw each other while the other wasn’t looking, Mother Shim realized that all her efforts would forever never bear fruit. There was just too much between them to dissect and fully understand by mere bystanders such as her.
“Well… so how was China, Changmin?” Mother asked finally, watching her son nonchalantly chew at his food while his wife inevitably stilled in her movements to wait for his response. She hadn’t gotten much information from her son about where he had really gone to except for a general location: China. They knew of some business partners from the country - but none of them had let them know of his appearance during the past five years. For all they knew, Changmin hadn’t gone or stayed at the capital cities where their business partners were located. It left a question of where had he gone in the country to hide out for five whole years? “We haven’t really sat down to talk, my son. I’d like to know about your… trip, please.”
Yoona choked on the word ‘trip’ and tried her hardest from scowling. That was such an understatement - ‘trip’? It was more of a relocation than a measly trip if only they had asked her to describe his absence. She wiped the side of her mouth with a napkin and continued to stare down at her food, all the waiting for him to speak. China, eh? He had gone to China - a place he’d once described as a “stressful place to visit” and one he would “never go back to” if given a chance. What a lie.
“China was alright. I went to Guilin, a province south of the country and on the west bank of the Li River. I stayed and worked there with a family that had a rice plantation like ours,” Changmin answered indifferently, never once giving away any nervousness he might or might not have at the moment. He met Yoona’s eyes from across the table while he spoke, as if he were telling her this information because she’d asked and not his mother. For some reason, the thought comforted her - he’d wanted her to know, even though she never would have asked. “Theirs was smaller compared to what we own here, but it was large enough for me to get darker like this.”
“What did you do-work in the fields? Somehow I find that hard to imagine.” She said, steeling her voice just in case she faltered in nervousness. Mother Shim raised an eyebrow at her but said nothing at her curt tone, while Father Shim hid a smile creeping onto his lips by bringing another spoonful of food to his mouth. She hadn’t meant for her tone to sound brusque or stern - but if hearing it had bother Changmin, he made no sign to show it. Instead, he’d just smiled at her direction and shrugged, sipping from his glass slowly.
“Actually, I did. I like to think that toiling in the fields gave me some perspective… it made me realize just how well we have it here in Korea especially now that Japanese occupation’s done and over with.” He replied in a casual tone, his eyes locked on her figure as she purposefully steered her gaze to anywhere but him. He let out an amused chuckle at this, as if daring her to take a chance and meet his eyes without flinching every so often.
Oh and she would, if she could - only Yoona knew that she was simply not ready for any more of that yet. Her heart still tumbled and her insides still skittered in anxiety and bewilderment in his presence. One slip up could bring her back to square one (under his spell and turning a blind-eye at all the pain he’d put her through) and she might never ever get the truths she deserved. She let out a sigh of frustration under her breath and glanced at him, “Does this mean you’ll start helping the workers in the fields too?”
“He’s been doing just that since he came back actually.” Father said, surprising her with his bout of information. She blinked in surprise, raising an eyebrow at her mother-in-law who only shrugged and smiled mysteriously in response. With a chuckle, Father Shim patted his son’s shoulder good-naturedly and grinned. “I was surprised myself, my dear. Who would have thought my son would be knee deep in mud, planting seedlings in a row?”
“Somehow I don’t think it would suit him. He’s too much of a prince, unfortunately.” Yoona huffed, rolling her eyes at Changmin who was watching her with an amused expression on his face. She said nothing as he suddenly leaned forward towards her, propping his fingers onto her chin and forcing her to look at him with his face inches from hers. She briefly cursed the fact that family table was round but didn’t move away despite flinching here and there under his touch. It would be embarrassing to turn away in front of her in-laws… she was still bound to this man after all. No matter how idiotic he truly was.
“I’m not so much a prince as you are a princess,” He said, smirking at her.
“I’ll have you know that I’ve changed since you’ve been absent.”
“As have I.”
Yoona frowned at him, finally pulling her chin away from him to turn back to her dinner. His tone was challenging her to say something she would both regret and be proud of. She considered the consequences if she said everything that were on her mind at that very moment. What would happen if she suddenly said that she both dreaded and looked forward to seeing him sip his coffee every morning while she slipped out of her room without anyone noticing or that even though she’d been avoiding him, she’d asked all the maids to make him a packed lunch because she knew how engrossed he’d be in his work and how big his appetite still was. She laughed at herself and came to the conclusion that she was either asking him to cause more trouble in her head or an opening to embarrass herself even further - anyway, it didn’t matter. Things were already complicated and humiliating… why stop now?
Yoona held her place in his gaze. “I’m sure you’ve changed, husband. If you were the old Shim Changmin, you wouldn’t dare touch me in front of your parents.” She replied coolly, the stress in that one word somehow echoing across the dinner table and resounding in her ears the moment she said it.
A snort of laughter came from beside her moments later and the couple turned their eyes to the elderly couple chuckling underneath their breaths at their exchange. Mother Shim held her hand up in attempt to say that they should just ignore them but with the cheery grin on her face, it was hard not to notice. Yoona blinked at her parents-in-law in awe before turning back to look at Changmin who also did the same. “Are they laughing at us?” she asked in a stage whisper, her brow furrowed on the top of her nose.
“I think they are,” he replied in amusement - it was directed to his parents, but it felt as though it was also unconsciously directed to her - and shook his head. Changmin leaned back against his seat and cocked his head to the side, raising an eyebrow at his mother still giggling at them. “I suppose we entertain them, wife. We should bicker more often.” He snorted at her and shrugged, glancing back at Yoona who was still rather confused with what was going on.
His father shook his head, laughing still in his mirth. “It’s been awhile since we’ve heard Yoona say things so… passionately,” he said, grinning at the incredulous look Yoona threw him at his words. She opened her mouth (“Father! What are you saying? I’ve always talked like this.”), lightly hit him across the table on the arm and glancing at her mother-in-law for help - only to receive another laugh in response.
Changmin looked interested at this new information and raised his eyebrow. “Has she been a bore while I was gone?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and giving her a teasing sideway glance. Yoona inwardly groaned in frustration and unconsciously kicked him under the table. He let out a surprised yelp and reached down to rub his shin. All the while, he grinned at her with an easiness that only fumed her annoyance more. “I see you haven’t lost your strength. Your aim is better now.”
“I’ve had time to practice.” She rolled her eyes at him, a small smile betraying her lips as she considered his response. She briefly remembered a time years ago when he’d teased her for missing countless shots whenever she tried to hit him with anything (her pillow, her hand, her shoe, her knee) when he (although it was seldom) teased her. “But it’s really either I’ve gotten better or you’re just playing dumb.”
“Perhaps, it’s both.” Changmin offered, his eyes suddenly softening. Yoona noticed the change and looked away, feeling warmth come to her cheeks and said nothing in return. From awkward to teasing to awkward again, it was a blur how quickly the atmosphere shifted between them. She couldn’t quite put a finger into what it was that made it so easy for them to revert to their former selves and then end up going back to what was the reality of five years of absence.
Luckily, he didn’t say anymore and went back to his dinner - successfully bringing his parents attention back to him with a well-placed joke while she pondered inside her head. Yoona glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and pursed her lips - I don’t understand you, Changmin.
“Forgive me for interrupting, but a man named Lee Minho has just arrived for Madam Yoona,” a young maid announced, creeping up from behind them with a soft knock on the wall to catch their attention. Yoona’s eyes widened surprise at her maid, as did Changmin’s and everyone else’s around the table. She looked at her mother-in-law beside her and blinked at her in confusion; her eyes shining in question: Minho? Why is here? Did you send him here, Mother?
The only response she got from the elder woman was another confused look as well, and with that Yoona decided to speak up.
“Did he tell you what he’s here for, Minyoung?” she asked, tilting her head to the side as she laid her utensils on the side of her plate. As far as she knew, Minho’s next visit was tomorrow afternoon - not tonight, in the middle of dinner with her husband and parents-in-law - and so it was only her guess why he would be there at her home all of the sudden.
The maid, Minyoung, shook her head. “He didn’t say much, madam… just that he’d like to speak to you about his visit tomorrow.”
“Oh. Well, perhaps he’s going to reschedule?” Mother Shim suggested, turning her head to look at her son and daughter-in-law to gauge their reactions. Yoona was clearly still confused by the whole thing, while Changmin’s face seemed to darken in concern.
Their eyes met for a split second - an electric charge suddenly filling the room as it gave off mixed feelings of confusion, curiosity, regret and jealousy. The older couple’s lips lifted up simultaneously as they turned to glance at each other knowingly and Mother Shim silently clicked her tongue in resignation. It was almost amusing how easy it was for them to argue and misunderstand each other but not realize how the other feels when it was truly needed.
“Who is Lee Minho?” Changmin asked suddenly, his words cutting through the silence so swiftly Yoona felt a chill run up her spine. There was a tone in his voice she couldn’t make out, but it was definitely there - sharp and biting. She turned to glare at him with no reason why she suddenly felt infuriated and held her nose up high.
“It’s not your business to ask,” she huffed, lifting herself off her seat to motion for her maid to go back and tell her guest that she’d be out in a moment. “Who I befriend over the time you’ve been away is none of your concern.”
Changmin’s eyes narrowed as he stood up as well, “Are you sure you want to use that argument, Yoona?”
Yoona considered his words, looking straight into his eyes. They stared at each other for a whole minute, weighing each other down until finally she gave up and turned away, pulling her attention away from him and out towards the door. Changmin grunted under his breath as her steps faded. He then turned to his parents and gave a curt bow, taking long strides towards the door to follow her without another word.
The elderly couple let out a sigh and glanced at each other.
“It’s time they come into terms, I think.” Father Shim said, wiping his mouth with a napkin and finishing his glass of water in one gulp. His wife nodded her head, eyes melancholy as she stared off at the doorway her son and daughter-in-law had just passed through.
There was no doubt that there would be trouble ahead now that the young couple was finally reunited and things are not as simple as they would like them to be. Years of absence cannot be erased with smiles; neither could making each other jealous unconsciously do any better for the situation. The overwhelming air of hurt and covered half-truths should be cleared, and soon.
A heart could only wait for so long after all.
“Let’s hope they finally find the courage to do so.”
~*~*~*~*~
“I’m so sorry to disturb you but I really needed to see you tonight.” Minho apologized, standing abruptly as soon as he saw Yoona emerge from the door. She was as beautiful as the last time he’d seen her and his grin unconsciously widened as the young woman bowed politely in greeting and gave a small smile. He held out his hand for hers and lightly kissed it when she accepted (albeit, consciously - but he expected that). “With my business going as fast as it is at the moment, I’m afraid we might have to meet later than we’d originally planned. I wanted to let you know as soon as I realized it.”
“Oh… well, I’m happy to see you nonetheless” Yoona replied, her lips pressed into a thin smile. She was happy to see him - she really was, but tonight of all nights was not the best time to visit. “However, if you were going to reschedule… I think, perhaps you should have called instead of going all the way over here?”
A cloud passed over his features and she instantly felt guilty about silently dismissing him with her words. She didn’t mean to, but there was no other way. Changmin - anyone - could come in any moment and make things even more complicated than it already was. No matter how innocent her thoughts were of her friendship with this young man, Lee Minho, other notions could be misunderstood if her husband were to see them together standing close and speaking in a casual way. Yoona gave him another smile and patted his arm lightly, motioning for him to sit down on the couch with her. She kept her hands on her lap as she faced him. “I’m really very sorry for my rudeness, but you see… now is not the best time.”
Minho nodded uncertainly, tilting his head to the side slightly to look at her at a better angle. “I see… forgive me, but may I ask why?” he asked, his eyes filling with obvious concern at her peculiar behavior. Yoona wondered if she wasn’t doing much of a good job hiding her anxiety from him (or anyone for that matter) and gave a soft resigned sigh when he suddenly reached out to touch her cheek and she quickly moved away.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Minho looked embarrassed and hurt all at the same time. Once again, she felt a wave of guilt and sadness for him.
“No, no - it’s fine. It’s… I’m just not comfortable right now, you see.” Yoona lowered her eyes, discreetly glancing at the corners to check if anyone was listening, “Something unexpected came up while you were away and has taken much of my attention. If this weren’t the case, I would gladly let you stay and chat tonight - but I simply cannot allow that at the moment. I hope you understand, my friend.”
“Something unexpected?” he echoed, raising an eyebrow. She nodded her head gravely, “Yes. Something very unexpected.” Minho-shii… please don’t ask anymore questions.
Minho nodded as well, leaning back against his seat. Yoona could tell he was curious and inwardly wished for him to not press further - all the while knowing he would, because he was curious and interested in her. Didn’t he say that the first time they met? “Would it be rude if I were to ask what it was that’s unexpected? Or am I fishing for something our friendship is not allowed to venture forth at present time?” He asked, staring straight into her eyes.
Yoona shrugged her shoulders. “Minho-shii… this isn’t-”
“I think what my wife is trying to stress is that - tonight isn’t the best time to visit a friend.” Changmin’s voice flitted across the room suddenly, causing her to straighten in her seat instantaneously and look back at him leaning against the door frame that connected the parlor to the dining room. The gaze his eyes bore into hers was surprisingly fiery - angry almost… jealous, even. Changmin started towards them, stopping just far enough to bow slightly in formal greeting as he considered her companion. Yoona bit the inside of her cheek and lowered her head, her thoughts racing as Minho stood up abruptly to face him and they sized each other up.
Oh God, why? Why must this happen to me now?She regretted agreeing to meet Minho suddenly in her mind and felt sorry. If she hadn’t then perhaps, this face-off her husband and her friend were now doing wouldn’t have to happen.
Changmin held himself in check at the sight of this young man in front of him and slowly pulled out his hand. This man, Lee Minho, didn’t look like anyone familiar to him - and with the way Yoona lowered her head and avoided his gaze, he figured that her new friend was new in town and didn’t know who he was. A sardonic smile crossed his lips as he realized this and proceeded to introduce himself for this new man’s sake. The truth had to be revealed - Lee Minho had to know whose house he was stepping into so casually.
“I am Yoona’s ‘estranged’ husband, so to speak. My name is Shim Changmin.”
At the mention of the name, Minho’s eyes widened in surprise and he turned to look at her distressed expression. She nodded silently, resigning into her seat as Minho carefully stepped back as her husband came closer.
Cautiously, he shook Changmin’s outstretched hand and felt him grip his with a firmness that both shocked and impressed him all at the same time. So he’s the infamous husband, eh? The young man scrutinized him with a wary look about his face, slightly frustrated at the fact that he’d expected to see someone much older and stupid-looking but instead was faced with a capable looking man who looked neither too old nor stupid. In fact, Shim Changmin was quite handsome and looked every bit an intelligent man. Not at all the type one would expect to leave a wife as beautiful as Im Yoona for years at a time.
He’s still pretty stupid though, he thought in slight contempt. Minho offered him a casual smile, but felt it too forced and the smirk he received as a response on seemed to boil his already biting dislike against Changmin. He’s married to the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on and he left her just like that. What an idiot.
“It’s good to meet you, Sir Changmin. My name is Lee Minho, a new friend of Yoona’s.”
Changmin nodded, shrugging his shoulder easily. “So I’ve heard,” he replied, stepping over to hover beside Yoona’s still and sitting frame. It did not escape Minho’s notice how she slowly lifted her eyes up to look at her husband and cautiously reach out to pull the fabric of his shirt, her lips pressed into a line. They seemed to talk with their eyes, a flurry of emotions running past their orbs so fast it was hard to make out anything substantial from it. Instead all Minho was able to extract was the fact that he was in no way capable of understanding what was truly between them at all - no matter how many stories he’s heard from the townspeople and the kind Mistress Shim.
They were on their own little world and Minho did not like feeling out of the box. He breathed in deeply and pasted on another casual smile on his face, clapping his hands together to bring the couple out of each other’s gaze. “It’s late. I should get going,” he said, bowing to them both politely. “I’ll come by again in two day’s time, Miss Yoona. Will the afternoon of the 6th be alright?”
Yoona turned her attention to Minho in surprise, eyes blinking in confusion for a moment before she suddenly felt a wave of guilt at the realization of their current situation. She glanced over at Changmin standing beside her and inwardly shook her head at the look he gave her in return. Then she stood up to bow to her guest as well, carefully elbowing her husband with one swift movement in the gut. Changmin could do nothing but only cough discreetly to hide whatever discomfort he felt and said nothing.
“The afternoon on the 6th is alright, Minho. I’m sorry you had to find out like this, but…” she trailed off, smiling sheepishly at him. The circumstances might have been inopportune but it didn’t make her any less lovely as she was at every moment. Minho cracked a better smile and shook his head, “It is fine, Miss Im. You don’t have to apologize. You are still married after all… it’s bound to happen, isn’t it?”
He’s bound to come back is what he meant to say, and Yoona knew this (Changmin did too, she could tell by the way his smirk thinned out of his lips and settled into a frown - God, why?) but felt grateful he hadn’t phrased it in that way. Turning her head to glance at the quiet man beside her to stay put, she laughed lightly and gestured Minho towards the exit, placing a hand on his shoulder as she led him away from the parlor. They were silent all the way to the door and bowed once again before Minho finally left and Yoona was left to catch the breath she was holding in ever since the moment Changmin suddenly appeared to make things complicated.
Just like he’s always done, she thought bitterly and sighing deeply. She leaned back against the door and pressed a hand on her face. “Why must you do that? Announce yourself in such a way that you embarrassed me in front of a friend?” Yoona asked, her tone taut as his familiar figure stepped towards her slowly. She didn’t need to see his face to know that he was thinking about what she’d just said and waited with her hand on her cheek and her eyes downcast. “You know how I’ve always had very few friends, Changmin. Did you really have to alienate the only one I have right now?”
“He doesn’t seem to only think of you as a friend though.” He replied, his hands in his pockets and his shadow covering her almost fully. Changmin lifted her chin and propelled her gaze to his. “I saw the way he looked at you. His eyes didn’t say ‘friends’ at all. Is he courting you, perhaps?”
“Your mother would know.” She countered evenly.
His lips cracked into a small smile. “Of course.”
They stayed like that - staring into each other - for a moment more before Yoona broke the gaze and pulled back, turning to step heavily towards the staircase. This night was already difficult to begin with, and she desperately needed some rest. Tomorrow would be a new day, a new beginning - a new cycle of the push-and-pull game her heart and mind played within her at the very thought of Shim Changmin in such close proximity.
“I’m going to bed. Good night, Changmin-”
“Don’t see him again.” He called out, stopping her in her tracks at the peculiar sincerity in his voice, “Don’t see him again, Yoona.”
Her heart lurched in her chest while her mind reeled with questions and confusion.Why of all times was he saying this to her now? After five years of waiting - five years of wondering and never having any sign or hope that he would return - how could he say that after hurting her so much? While it was true that Minho’s intentions were more of that of a friend, it didn’t change the fact that Yoona had allowed him friendship and Changmin had no authority to tell her what she should do. At least, he had no authority in her mind - they were still married, yes, but a lot had changed. He’d changed and so did… parts of her change as well. (The important part - her heart, her love - this hadn’t changed at all, but he wouldn’t know that. No.)
“And why not? You saw other women, why should I not be given the same allowance with other men?” She turned to him slowly, her eyes cold and hardened despite herself.
“Don’t make this about the past, Yoona.” Changmin shook his head as he walked towards her. His statement surprised her and she stared at him as he stopped in front of her. He didn’t reach out, although he seemed like her wanted to, his hands dangling by his sides as he spoke. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Not that you ever did listen even then.”
“What?”
“There were no other women.”
No. No, there were. I saw you! I saw you and Sooyoung-
“You are my only woman. Just you, Yoona.”