(no subject)
So after 3 weeks of holding my breath, I didn't get it. Time to move on to the next thing, I guess. Get a regular job, and audition for NYU in the fall.
I tried to make myself wait until morning to check my email so that I wouldn't be sitting up alone in the middle of the night after finding out, but I couldn't stay asleep or go back to sleep. So here I sit, confronting my own disappointment by myself, unable to get back to sleep. Things to make myself feel slightly less shitty:
-I didn't spend a lot of money going to Boston for this
-I'll be playing in the 1812 Overture and several other concerts
-I can get a regular job without telling them I need a week off in January
-I probably couldn't take my marimba and drums to Japan
-Japanese guys have no interest in girls like me
-Lessons are fun, I'm picking it up quickly, and my professional connections are worth maintaining
-At least I know I'm getting something nice for Christmas
-I don't have to try to pay off all my debt before I leave to go to Japan
-Because I don't have to try to pay off all my debt immediately, I can spend some of my present/gig money on something I want instead
Man, I wish I could sleep though. I feel sick, and I was just sick coming back from Boston. I tried really hard to steel myself for disappointment but I don't think there was anything I could have done to prevent feeling this way. I thought that job would be perfect for me, and that I would be perfect to do it. I'm not going to bother trying to analyze the interview because I have no idea what it was they wanted to hear anyway, and it's not like I'll ever have a similar interview again in my life so what would I learn from going over it in my head some more? fuck. I want my life to go somewhere new. I want something exciting to actually happen; for someone to say yes instead of "we're sorry." I don't know where else to look for something exciting though...at the moment all I feel I can expect for myself is some boring receptionist/customer service position that isn't more than a half hour's drive from my house.
The worst part is that now I have to tell everyone *again* that the thing I was so excited about isn't going to happen. I had to tell all these people that I might not be around for the orchestra concert and so they wanted to be on the list of "first to know!" I kept telling myself "don't let everyone know about this because you'll just jinx yourself!" and sure enough, I have to go and tell like 15-20 people that I failed as soon as they all wake up. I guess I shouldn't get excited or get my hopes up about anything, because it's not worth it.
I tried to make myself wait until morning to check my email so that I wouldn't be sitting up alone in the middle of the night after finding out, but I couldn't stay asleep or go back to sleep. So here I sit, confronting my own disappointment by myself, unable to get back to sleep. Things to make myself feel slightly less shitty:
-I didn't spend a lot of money going to Boston for this
-I'll be playing in the 1812 Overture and several other concerts
-I can get a regular job without telling them I need a week off in January
-I probably couldn't take my marimba and drums to Japan
-Japanese guys have no interest in girls like me
-Lessons are fun, I'm picking it up quickly, and my professional connections are worth maintaining
-At least I know I'm getting something nice for Christmas
-I don't have to try to pay off all my debt before I leave to go to Japan
-Because I don't have to try to pay off all my debt immediately, I can spend some of my present/gig money on something I want instead
Man, I wish I could sleep though. I feel sick, and I was just sick coming back from Boston. I tried really hard to steel myself for disappointment but I don't think there was anything I could have done to prevent feeling this way. I thought that job would be perfect for me, and that I would be perfect to do it. I'm not going to bother trying to analyze the interview because I have no idea what it was they wanted to hear anyway, and it's not like I'll ever have a similar interview again in my life so what would I learn from going over it in my head some more? fuck. I want my life to go somewhere new. I want something exciting to actually happen; for someone to say yes instead of "we're sorry." I don't know where else to look for something exciting though...at the moment all I feel I can expect for myself is some boring receptionist/customer service position that isn't more than a half hour's drive from my house.
The worst part is that now I have to tell everyone *again* that the thing I was so excited about isn't going to happen. I had to tell all these people that I might not be around for the orchestra concert and so they wanted to be on the list of "first to know!" I kept telling myself "don't let everyone know about this because you'll just jinx yourself!" and sure enough, I have to go and tell like 15-20 people that I failed as soon as they all wake up. I guess I shouldn't get excited or get my hopes up about anything, because it's not worth it.