when I don't post for a long time, I end up with long posts.
I might be a little depressed. I haven't felt like doing anything since I got back to school, even though a lot of times when I do make myself to go class and my activities I do have some fun. I just feel like sleeping all the time. Even though I spend 9 hours in bed, I really doubt I'm actually getting all 9 hours in sleep. We toss and turn a lot because there is no way to turn the incredible heat down (better than being cold at home, but still!), my roommate talks to me a lot as I'm trying to fall asleep, and the neighbors talk really loudly.
I was kind of doomed from the start not to make it into Symphony Band this semester because of my tendonitis from last semester and because of the internal politics of the percussion department, but that didn't stop me from having a terrible audition anyway. I guess I really wasn't ready to get back into it this time. No matter how I try to explain it to myself though, it was still a huge blow to my self-confidence and I still haven't quite stopped feeling sad about it.
Paul and I aren't dating anymore. Actually, we haven't really been dating for a long time, but we more or less broke it off completely over the weekend. Am I very sad? Of course. Will I get over it? The only thing I can say is that there is no not getting over it. We never get to talk anymore and that also makes me sad. Realistically speaking, it is almost impossible that the two of us would ever find ourselves living in the same place. The work we want to do is in very specific places, and it would take some fairly big sacrifices on my part to move to where the animation studios are, since there isn't really a whole lot of big theatre work in those places. I dunno. I guess we'll see someday. =/ It is pretty depressing to try to think about it though, because I don't really want to let go altogether.
There are a couple of guys trying to get me to date them, even though I really don't ever want to date either of them, and it's getting more and more difficult to think of what to say to them as they continue to do very nice things for me. Of course I need the help! Sometimes I really do need someone to drive me somewhere. But even though doing nice things for me isn't supposed to equate with a future relationship, I still feel really guilty accepting their friendly attentions since I have no intention of dating them. None. I will not be convinced later, either. It's just not going to happen, because I refuse to date someone just because they "deserve" to "have" me. So this is also contributing to my stress. There just isn't anybody here who's good enough, which sounds pretty hilarious when we consider there's something like 40,000 people to pick from at Rutgers. My friends insist I'll just run into somebody someday, but I don't see it happening this semester. Then when I get to be a senior, there won't be any older people left at school, and it won't be worth it to try to get into a long-term relationship because I'll graduate. Basically, there will always be reasons to never date anybody. I may as well just stick to being alone. Why am I even taking my pills, besides the benefit of having fewer periods?
At least I got some cool classes, even if I don't want to go to them. I managed to get myself into Ballet and Special Topics in Music History: The American Musical. Originally I was going to audit the special topics class because I had too many credits, but without Symphony Band and a percussion lesson it became more feasible and I got special permission to take the class this year instead of next year. Cool. I guess. It's a huge writing class, on top of the other 4 I have this semester. Reading and writing every day is something I haven't been used to in more than a year, really. I mean, it doesn't matter. I'll ace all of those classes anyway even if I'm miserable. I'm also supposed to take outside lessons with a graduate of Rutgers, who is playing with the dance department. It's going to cost money, but I have to have lessons. =/
I have to get off my butt and practice my solo for Twirl Mania. I have been pretty sick the last few days but I guess I feel better today. Time to start hauling ass. I do hate all the bruises though.
I was kind of doomed from the start not to make it into Symphony Band this semester because of my tendonitis from last semester and because of the internal politics of the percussion department, but that didn't stop me from having a terrible audition anyway. I guess I really wasn't ready to get back into it this time. No matter how I try to explain it to myself though, it was still a huge blow to my self-confidence and I still haven't quite stopped feeling sad about it.
Paul and I aren't dating anymore. Actually, we haven't really been dating for a long time, but we more or less broke it off completely over the weekend. Am I very sad? Of course. Will I get over it? The only thing I can say is that there is no not getting over it. We never get to talk anymore and that also makes me sad. Realistically speaking, it is almost impossible that the two of us would ever find ourselves living in the same place. The work we want to do is in very specific places, and it would take some fairly big sacrifices on my part to move to where the animation studios are, since there isn't really a whole lot of big theatre work in those places. I dunno. I guess we'll see someday. =/ It is pretty depressing to try to think about it though, because I don't really want to let go altogether.
There are a couple of guys trying to get me to date them, even though I really don't ever want to date either of them, and it's getting more and more difficult to think of what to say to them as they continue to do very nice things for me. Of course I need the help! Sometimes I really do need someone to drive me somewhere. But even though doing nice things for me isn't supposed to equate with a future relationship, I still feel really guilty accepting their friendly attentions since I have no intention of dating them. None. I will not be convinced later, either. It's just not going to happen, because I refuse to date someone just because they "deserve" to "have" me. So this is also contributing to my stress. There just isn't anybody here who's good enough, which sounds pretty hilarious when we consider there's something like 40,000 people to pick from at Rutgers. My friends insist I'll just run into somebody someday, but I don't see it happening this semester. Then when I get to be a senior, there won't be any older people left at school, and it won't be worth it to try to get into a long-term relationship because I'll graduate. Basically, there will always be reasons to never date anybody. I may as well just stick to being alone. Why am I even taking my pills, besides the benefit of having fewer periods?
At least I got some cool classes, even if I don't want to go to them. I managed to get myself into Ballet and Special Topics in Music History: The American Musical. Originally I was going to audit the special topics class because I had too many credits, but without Symphony Band and a percussion lesson it became more feasible and I got special permission to take the class this year instead of next year. Cool. I guess. It's a huge writing class, on top of the other 4 I have this semester. Reading and writing every day is something I haven't been used to in more than a year, really. I mean, it doesn't matter. I'll ace all of those classes anyway even if I'm miserable. I'm also supposed to take outside lessons with a graduate of Rutgers, who is playing with the dance department. It's going to cost money, but I have to have lessons. =/
I have to get off my butt and practice my solo for Twirl Mania. I have been pretty sick the last few days but I guess I feel better today. Time to start hauling ass. I do hate all the bruises though.