a happy post for once!
Today is a happy post.
I've come to terms with the fact that I very well may have a serious issue of codependency but realising it is the first step to getting better. I've got to start liking myself again and things will be so much better. I never really got to have time to heal after my ex and only just as I had started liking myself again, my current boyfriend came into the picture. Just being with him made me happier than I had been for the last 4-5 years and I began to depend on him, and only him, for my happiness. Last week opened my eyes a lot and got me thinking real hard about my current situation. Even reading up on things to do with codependency got me a little scared as it described my personality almost exactly and told me that when I'm in a good relationship, I'll be trying to sabotage it because I'm used to what I had. I feel like I'd been trying to sabotage my relationship as I have outbursts of being that annoying, clingy, nagging girlfriend and that's not me at all.
Two things have made me feel so much better about myself already.
First: When I told my boyfriend a little about my problem (couldn't formulate something that made sense enough to explain the whole thing) I said that I hate myself and really need to start liking myself again. His response was, "Well I like you a lot so there's a start ^^". That made me feel a lot better about myself. No matter how many other people tell me things I seem to only listen to what my boyfriend says. Having him say that really made me listen to other people too. I think I've finally started accepting compliments for the first time in my life.
And second: After having Family Night last Sunday (Every Sunday night my mum, dad, sister, her boyfriend, my boyfriend and myself have dinner together) and noting the absence of my sister and her boyfriend (laaaaaame excuse for not turning up too!), we got to sampling some cider my boyfriend had brought over. One thing lead to another and we were going through our alcohol cupboard and decided to try all the weird and wonderful things we had in there... ended up having too much but was feeling majorly happy. I feel asleep (perhaps passed out... not sure haha!) on the couch and my dad and boyfriend were left talking to each other. After about an hour I woke up and we went to bed. My dad told me just then that they were talking about me for a while and my boyfriend had said that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had because I treat him exactly as he'd treat me. He'd mentioned this in a message he sent me when we first started dating but he doesn't tell me these things anymore. Part of my insecurity is that I'm scared he's bored of me. I never felt good enough for my ex as he'd always tell me I didn't do my make-up nice enough, didn't wear nice enough clothes, was too fat etc... and no matter what I did he wasn't pleased. It's a weird feeling but when dad told me what he said I felt like crying. I was that happy. It's a nice feeling knowing that he still feels that way about me even if he doesn't show it sometimes. I really am lucky to have him and should really stop worrying^^
I'm also grateful for that fact that even though I don't have that many friends anymore (after Japan so many of my friends just couldn't be bothered contacting my anymore :(), the friends that I do have are such awesome, lovely people and I'm glad to have them in my life. I'm also glad that I'd finally decided to join the Sydney Lolita community. Such a nice, caring bunch of girls! I really should listen to what other people say when I'm feeling down and realise that they do mean it ^^ I'm a very lucky person in life right now. I just need to open my eyes a little more.
I've come to terms with the fact that I very well may have a serious issue of codependency but realising it is the first step to getting better. I've got to start liking myself again and things will be so much better. I never really got to have time to heal after my ex and only just as I had started liking myself again, my current boyfriend came into the picture. Just being with him made me happier than I had been for the last 4-5 years and I began to depend on him, and only him, for my happiness. Last week opened my eyes a lot and got me thinking real hard about my current situation. Even reading up on things to do with codependency got me a little scared as it described my personality almost exactly and told me that when I'm in a good relationship, I'll be trying to sabotage it because I'm used to what I had. I feel like I'd been trying to sabotage my relationship as I have outbursts of being that annoying, clingy, nagging girlfriend and that's not me at all.
Two things have made me feel so much better about myself already.
First: When I told my boyfriend a little about my problem (couldn't formulate something that made sense enough to explain the whole thing) I said that I hate myself and really need to start liking myself again. His response was, "Well I like you a lot so there's a start ^^". That made me feel a lot better about myself. No matter how many other people tell me things I seem to only listen to what my boyfriend says. Having him say that really made me listen to other people too. I think I've finally started accepting compliments for the first time in my life.
And second: After having Family Night last Sunday (Every Sunday night my mum, dad, sister, her boyfriend, my boyfriend and myself have dinner together) and noting the absence of my sister and her boyfriend (laaaaaame excuse for not turning up too!), we got to sampling some cider my boyfriend had brought over. One thing lead to another and we were going through our alcohol cupboard and decided to try all the weird and wonderful things we had in there... ended up having too much but was feeling majorly happy. I feel asleep (perhaps passed out... not sure haha!) on the couch and my dad and boyfriend were left talking to each other. After about an hour I woke up and we went to bed. My dad told me just then that they were talking about me for a while and my boyfriend had said that I was the best girlfriend he'd ever had because I treat him exactly as he'd treat me. He'd mentioned this in a message he sent me when we first started dating but he doesn't tell me these things anymore. Part of my insecurity is that I'm scared he's bored of me. I never felt good enough for my ex as he'd always tell me I didn't do my make-up nice enough, didn't wear nice enough clothes, was too fat etc... and no matter what I did he wasn't pleased. It's a weird feeling but when dad told me what he said I felt like crying. I was that happy. It's a nice feeling knowing that he still feels that way about me even if he doesn't show it sometimes. I really am lucky to have him and should really stop worrying^^
I'm also grateful for that fact that even though I don't have that many friends anymore (after Japan so many of my friends just couldn't be bothered contacting my anymore :(), the friends that I do have are such awesome, lovely people and I'm glad to have them in my life. I'm also glad that I'd finally decided to join the Sydney Lolita community. Such a nice, caring bunch of girls! I really should listen to what other people say when I'm feeling down and realise that they do mean it ^^ I'm a very lucky person in life right now. I just need to open my eyes a little more.