Gods will be done
well, here goes nothin.
Leah and I just broke up tonight. Well technically she broke up with me. But it was really mutual. In that I agreed with her and her decision. It was wise. And actually, it was showing alot of love for me for her to break it off now rather than later. I wasnt really surprised as if it was out of no where. We had been struggling with the Lords will for our relationship for some time now. it was a good decision. And honestly, I had considered it also. Though I had not come to any conclusive decision on the matter myself. It is probably exactly what I need right now oddly enough. I think I need some alone time with God, as a single. Nothing to distract me. I will quote from an email I sent to a friend for the rest of this. Im just too tired and my emotions are too worn out to tell the same story twice.
"its not like there are any hard feelings. In fact, we ended on such a good note and on such good terms...Im not even sure what to feel? Or how I can feel anything. Ive never seen or even heard of such a clean break up! We had been talking about it for a while and just waiting ot see what the Lord was going to do with us. And It was good for her to break it off now with the Lord's leading. It was wise, and even showing love to me to break up with me now and not waiting till later. But it still hurts. I mean to be honest I had been thinking off and on about it too. Though I was never sure enough, not even close, to actually think that we should break up, at least not by my ending it. I was actually getting toward considering maybe we really should get married. I dunno, God works in mysterious ways, ways that I cloud for myself with my own pride and selfishness. I havent cried at all, or even really felt...anything much...or at least anything lasting or outward. Im just kind numb right now. Maybe this is what I need to grow right now. To be alone with God. No one to distract me. Without a doubt, that was the best, most God focused, most healthy, most loving relationship I have ever had. She really put my needs above her own. She really cared about me and really loved me in a Christ like way. Sometimes I didnt even know what to do, or how to react to her. Im used to being the lover, the one showing all the affection, striving to put the other first. But for the first time I felt what it was like to be on the recieving end...truly on the receiving end of that. Real, unconditional, unprovoked love, love that didnt do it for the sake of attention, didnt do it for the sake of getting more love in return...but love for my sake. Loved for the sake of loving me. loved to honor God. She really is a great girl. Someone is going to be so blessed with her as his wife. But maybe Im just not that guy. And thats ok. If God wants me single, thats ok! I will follow my God wherever He leads me!
So my problem now is, what to do? I stayed in Dubuque for the summer mostly because of her. Alot of it was other stuff too! I like it here alot, and my church family is here and I love those people to death! Its also so much easier to just stay in one place instead of moving around so much! But now I have options. I would really like to stay here still. But...I could go to kansas like last summer. My dad is there and I loved being with him last summer. My family there needs all the help they can get right now. There is even an awesome computer tech job there where my dad works. I worked it last year and my boss said he would higher me again with a huge raise! I could really use the money to pay for school next semester (already have waaay too much debt from that) and its very good for me to work tech jobs to keep my resume up and my experience fresh. Or I could go home. To SC. I have so many good friends there! My other half of my family is there. My sister could really use me right now. And it would be good for me to be there for my mom and sisters. And Im sure I could get a good job there. But what is the Lord's will for me? I dont know...I wish I had a perfect answer right now! Especially since Im going in for an interview at a restaurant tomorrow :). Its good for me to struggle through this. Trials sanctify us! (Romans 5, James 1). Too much to really figure out right now though. I really should just be still and know that He is God...and HE will guide me (ps 46)."
Leah and I just broke up tonight. Well technically she broke up with me. But it was really mutual. In that I agreed with her and her decision. It was wise. And actually, it was showing alot of love for me for her to break it off now rather than later. I wasnt really surprised as if it was out of no where. We had been struggling with the Lords will for our relationship for some time now. it was a good decision. And honestly, I had considered it also. Though I had not come to any conclusive decision on the matter myself. It is probably exactly what I need right now oddly enough. I think I need some alone time with God, as a single. Nothing to distract me. I will quote from an email I sent to a friend for the rest of this. Im just too tired and my emotions are too worn out to tell the same story twice.
"its not like there are any hard feelings. In fact, we ended on such a good note and on such good terms...Im not even sure what to feel? Or how I can feel anything. Ive never seen or even heard of such a clean break up! We had been talking about it for a while and just waiting ot see what the Lord was going to do with us. And It was good for her to break it off now with the Lord's leading. It was wise, and even showing love to me to break up with me now and not waiting till later. But it still hurts. I mean to be honest I had been thinking off and on about it too. Though I was never sure enough, not even close, to actually think that we should break up, at least not by my ending it. I was actually getting toward considering maybe we really should get married. I dunno, God works in mysterious ways, ways that I cloud for myself with my own pride and selfishness. I havent cried at all, or even really felt...anything much...or at least anything lasting or outward. Im just kind numb right now. Maybe this is what I need to grow right now. To be alone with God. No one to distract me. Without a doubt, that was the best, most God focused, most healthy, most loving relationship I have ever had. She really put my needs above her own. She really cared about me and really loved me in a Christ like way. Sometimes I didnt even know what to do, or how to react to her. Im used to being the lover, the one showing all the affection, striving to put the other first. But for the first time I felt what it was like to be on the recieving end...truly on the receiving end of that. Real, unconditional, unprovoked love, love that didnt do it for the sake of attention, didnt do it for the sake of getting more love in return...but love for my sake. Loved for the sake of loving me. loved to honor God. She really is a great girl. Someone is going to be so blessed with her as his wife. But maybe Im just not that guy. And thats ok. If God wants me single, thats ok! I will follow my God wherever He leads me!
So my problem now is, what to do? I stayed in Dubuque for the summer mostly because of her. Alot of it was other stuff too! I like it here alot, and my church family is here and I love those people to death! Its also so much easier to just stay in one place instead of moving around so much! But now I have options. I would really like to stay here still. But...I could go to kansas like last summer. My dad is there and I loved being with him last summer. My family there needs all the help they can get right now. There is even an awesome computer tech job there where my dad works. I worked it last year and my boss said he would higher me again with a huge raise! I could really use the money to pay for school next semester (already have waaay too much debt from that) and its very good for me to work tech jobs to keep my resume up and my experience fresh. Or I could go home. To SC. I have so many good friends there! My other half of my family is there. My sister could really use me right now. And it would be good for me to be there for my mom and sisters. And Im sure I could get a good job there. But what is the Lord's will for me? I dont know...I wish I had a perfect answer right now! Especially since Im going in for an interview at a restaurant tomorrow :). Its good for me to struggle through this. Trials sanctify us! (Romans 5, James 1). Too much to really figure out right now though. I really should just be still and know that He is God...and HE will guide me (ps 46)."