So ya.........................
OK. Pretty fucking drunk but it's time to go public with this... I've gone from a living in an awesome house, 3 cats and a many year relationship to a woman who needed me, to living on my neighbors sofa waiting for my fucking house to either get rented or for her to finally agree to call the landlord and get my name off the lease.
I don't wanna be the guy that makes everything difficult for her just because I'm upset, so I'm kind of just getting on with it against my gut decision to do damage to the house or make everything impossible for her, because I know I'll just be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I want to be grown up about it but I don't want to get ripped off in the process of trying to do the right thing.
I want to hate her but it's difficult when you know that she's got problems of her own that have led to what I'd like to believe is her mistake. We can never get back together because of the things that have been said and I could never risk going through this again.
I'm pleased that I've grown up enough not to have taken the same stance as last time a long term relationship finished and breaking stuff, but I'm down on myself for putting my career in jeopardy and taking a week to get back to work.
I'm at that stage now where a couple of months have passed and people are still asking if I'm ok which worries me that maybe I'm not doing so great if people are still asking. I'm feeling a lot better- I'm laughing again but I'm trying to make sure I deal with all my emotions before I make the mistake of taking any baggage with me.
It's important to me to not simply move on without learning anything about myself. I guess I'm afraid this might happen again if I get involved with someone without some prior knowledge of what I can do to avoid meeting someone who 'thinks' they know what they want.
I don't want to see her anymore because I don't want to know that she's doing just fine without me, or even worse that she's doing great with someone else. I have to cling to this feeling that she's going to eventually regret this, or I have to admit to myself that maybe she made the right choice for both of us... not just for me.
That in itself frightens me. What if she does get in touch in 2 months time begging for forgiveness? I'll have to say no. I asked her one thing; "Don't bring him into our home". I went to get some stuff and let myself into an empty house with his jacket, his toothbrush in it and his pajamas on my bed... My fucking bed that I paid for. I can't forgive it and we can't get back to where who we were... Ever.
How did the woman that I loved turn into someone so insensitive and cold in a couple of weeks? It's like she died and her body's still walking round in spite.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm putting this out on the internet. I think some part of me wants her to see it so that there's less risk of her contacting me to find out how I feel... Lisa, you fucked it up... We can't be friends for a long time, if ever. How can I ever trust you again?
I will never make the mistake of taking you back, you're too much of a risk after what this has done to me. You made a lot of changes in my life whilst together and thereafter and I am better man for having known you, but it is who I am that has shaped this experience into self improvement, not you. The pain you put me through makes me wish I'd never met you.
I could have met plenty of girls that would have given me the self confidence I needed to become who I am and I could have fucking met them in fucking NY. Thanks for teaching me something hundreds of miles away from MY home that I could have learned, you know, at home.
If you want to know my state of mind right now it's simple...
*Get the fuck out of this lease.
*Be me, for me.
*Learn to enjoy being alone.
*Stop worrying that I no longer no what my future holds.
*Forget what she looks like, what she sounds like and realize that all the good in me comes from who I am and not from the experience she gave me, or the routine to which I became accustomed.
If you're in my situation I have little advice, but here it is anyway... One man told me to not do anything spiteful regardless of how angry you feel. He was right; however old you are, whatever situation you're in the harder you make it for them the harder they'll make it for you. Think of your feelings as an illness that you will recover from in time; It's something you don't need to force yourself to think about at all; your brain will process it whether you like it or not and the more you try to speed it up the more frustrating it will become, the more mistakes you will make and the more painful it will be.
I'll see you soon New York.
I don't wanna be the guy that makes everything difficult for her just because I'm upset, so I'm kind of just getting on with it against my gut decision to do damage to the house or make everything impossible for her, because I know I'll just be doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I want to be grown up about it but I don't want to get ripped off in the process of trying to do the right thing.
I want to hate her but it's difficult when you know that she's got problems of her own that have led to what I'd like to believe is her mistake. We can never get back together because of the things that have been said and I could never risk going through this again.
I'm pleased that I've grown up enough not to have taken the same stance as last time a long term relationship finished and breaking stuff, but I'm down on myself for putting my career in jeopardy and taking a week to get back to work.
I'm at that stage now where a couple of months have passed and people are still asking if I'm ok which worries me that maybe I'm not doing so great if people are still asking. I'm feeling a lot better- I'm laughing again but I'm trying to make sure I deal with all my emotions before I make the mistake of taking any baggage with me.
It's important to me to not simply move on without learning anything about myself. I guess I'm afraid this might happen again if I get involved with someone without some prior knowledge of what I can do to avoid meeting someone who 'thinks' they know what they want.
I don't want to see her anymore because I don't want to know that she's doing just fine without me, or even worse that she's doing great with someone else. I have to cling to this feeling that she's going to eventually regret this, or I have to admit to myself that maybe she made the right choice for both of us... not just for me.
That in itself frightens me. What if she does get in touch in 2 months time begging for forgiveness? I'll have to say no. I asked her one thing; "Don't bring him into our home". I went to get some stuff and let myself into an empty house with his jacket, his toothbrush in it and his pajamas on my bed... My fucking bed that I paid for. I can't forgive it and we can't get back to where who we were... Ever.
How did the woman that I loved turn into someone so insensitive and cold in a couple of weeks? It's like she died and her body's still walking round in spite.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm putting this out on the internet. I think some part of me wants her to see it so that there's less risk of her contacting me to find out how I feel... Lisa, you fucked it up... We can't be friends for a long time, if ever. How can I ever trust you again?
I will never make the mistake of taking you back, you're too much of a risk after what this has done to me. You made a lot of changes in my life whilst together and thereafter and I am better man for having known you, but it is who I am that has shaped this experience into self improvement, not you. The pain you put me through makes me wish I'd never met you.
I could have met plenty of girls that would have given me the self confidence I needed to become who I am and I could have fucking met them in fucking NY. Thanks for teaching me something hundreds of miles away from MY home that I could have learned, you know, at home.
If you want to know my state of mind right now it's simple...
*Get the fuck out of this lease.
*Be me, for me.
*Learn to enjoy being alone.
*Stop worrying that I no longer no what my future holds.
*Forget what she looks like, what she sounds like and realize that all the good in me comes from who I am and not from the experience she gave me, or the routine to which I became accustomed.
If you're in my situation I have little advice, but here it is anyway... One man told me to not do anything spiteful regardless of how angry you feel. He was right; however old you are, whatever situation you're in the harder you make it for them the harder they'll make it for you. Think of your feelings as an illness that you will recover from in time; It's something you don't need to force yourself to think about at all; your brain will process it whether you like it or not and the more you try to speed it up the more frustrating it will become, the more mistakes you will make and the more painful it will be.
I'll see you soon New York.