This is what happens when Rich has nothing better to do
I took out my garbage at 4 a.m. this morning. This isn't really odd for me. Except for the fact that I hate taking out the garbage. But the rotten cucumbers in the bag were leaking their rotten cucumber juice all over the floor. So I caved and took out the trash.
So I strolled out the back door of my building, garbage in hand and went to throw it in the dumpster. Next to the dumpster is this old car. The apartment that corresponds the stall is empty. In fact, the door is unlocked to the apartment. So if anyone needs a free car and a place to crash, I've got a deal for you.
I opened up the dumpster lid, threw my trash inside and went to walk back into my building.
Then I heard a shout. It was an angry loud shout coming from down the alleyway. Some one was coming right at me. What the hell man. I couldn't see his face, but he kept yelling the same thing over and over again.
It was one of those moments where you can actually hear your heart beat in your ears. The blood starts to pound and you freeze.
Because the shout was my name.
My shit was fucked.
I quickly darted towards the door and flung it open. Whoever the hell it was, they obviously knew where I lived. I'm going to have to get my hockey stick and beat him to death. Yes. To death. He'll die until he's dead.
"Oh no, you bastard, you fucking wait!" Angry. Very angry.
He lunged forward grabbed the door before it closed. That's when I saw his face.
He was me. But with a goatee.
I should tell him I look like shit with a goatee.
"Wait...what's going on?" I asked.
He glared. "You fucking moron. I'm you from an alternate universe."
"But that's not possible. I don't have an alternate universe inducing machine," I replied. "Wait, did that just make sense?"
"No," he shook his head. "You moron. I'm the evil you from an alternate universe. And I'm here to fight you."
"Why are you here to fight me?" I asked.
"Because I'm evil. I've been traveling from universe to universe, beating up alternate versions of me," he answered.
"What made me evil?" I was curious. I'm not even close to evil here. I'm a borderline tree-hugging hippie. I cry every time it rains because I have to run over worms that crawl up from the ground. Poor worms. Poor slimy bastards.
"You just are. You're evil all right. You kill kittens."
"Not the kittens!"
"You put them in a bag filled with rocks and throw them in the river. Then you watch the air bubbles rise up to the surface and laugh. You laugh an evil laugh and do a little evil dance. Then you go to evil Denny's and have evil chicken strips with evil honey mustard."
"Noooooo..."
Then we fought. I'm pretty tough when I'm evil. I really kicked the shit out of myself. I punched that bastard in the heart and he fell over dead. Then I wrapped his body up in a carpet and tossed him in the river. Once it's in the river, all is forgotten.
Hands clean. Hands clean....
But for all you know, I could be the Evil Rich.
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.
I'll never tell.
Now where are those kittens?
So I strolled out the back door of my building, garbage in hand and went to throw it in the dumpster. Next to the dumpster is this old car. The apartment that corresponds the stall is empty. In fact, the door is unlocked to the apartment. So if anyone needs a free car and a place to crash, I've got a deal for you.
I opened up the dumpster lid, threw my trash inside and went to walk back into my building.
Then I heard a shout. It was an angry loud shout coming from down the alleyway. Some one was coming right at me. What the hell man. I couldn't see his face, but he kept yelling the same thing over and over again.
It was one of those moments where you can actually hear your heart beat in your ears. The blood starts to pound and you freeze.
Because the shout was my name.
My shit was fucked.
I quickly darted towards the door and flung it open. Whoever the hell it was, they obviously knew where I lived. I'm going to have to get my hockey stick and beat him to death. Yes. To death. He'll die until he's dead.
"Oh no, you bastard, you fucking wait!" Angry. Very angry.
He lunged forward grabbed the door before it closed. That's when I saw his face.
He was me. But with a goatee.
I should tell him I look like shit with a goatee.
"Wait...what's going on?" I asked.
He glared. "You fucking moron. I'm you from an alternate universe."
"But that's not possible. I don't have an alternate universe inducing machine," I replied. "Wait, did that just make sense?"
"No," he shook his head. "You moron. I'm the evil you from an alternate universe. And I'm here to fight you."
"Why are you here to fight me?" I asked.
"Because I'm evil. I've been traveling from universe to universe, beating up alternate versions of me," he answered.
"What made me evil?" I was curious. I'm not even close to evil here. I'm a borderline tree-hugging hippie. I cry every time it rains because I have to run over worms that crawl up from the ground. Poor worms. Poor slimy bastards.
"You just are. You're evil all right. You kill kittens."
"Not the kittens!"
"You put them in a bag filled with rocks and throw them in the river. Then you watch the air bubbles rise up to the surface and laugh. You laugh an evil laugh and do a little evil dance. Then you go to evil Denny's and have evil chicken strips with evil honey mustard."
"Noooooo..."
Then we fought. I'm pretty tough when I'm evil. I really kicked the shit out of myself. I punched that bastard in the heart and he fell over dead. Then I wrapped his body up in a carpet and tossed him in the river. Once it's in the river, all is forgotten.
Hands clean. Hands clean....
But for all you know, I could be the Evil Rich.
Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not.
I'll never tell.
Now where are those kittens?