And then they all left, even me...
I started to fall back into depression.
The new job was already wearing on me. I couldn't predict how much longer I'd be working there; taking too long on calls, trying to fix all the customers' problems and trying too hard to be likable. As DSL tech support I am only to fix a handful of very specific things. By these standards I was failing miserably.
My closest friends seemingly disappeared, or what I remember of them.
Ted, Tyler and Beth leaving and/or napping after not seeing them for a few months, barely happy to see me. Like I am the one who hurt them. Like I was the one not contacting them.
To be fair, Ted was the only one who gave me permission to kill myself so he had the most to make up for... but c'mon. I really wanted to be happy with them and it just wouldn't happen.
Heather... deear Heather. Did I wrong you as well? I just want to know if the birthday present I had planned will work before I order it. It's bad enough I'm months late. I don't want that coupled with it being useless...
I retract my initial statement. I also want to spend time: Do a crossword. Talk without rush. Make you laugh. Simply hang out.
I even thought I was helping you two.
And I thought we were friends.
Yeah, cheap CHEAP shot. Could go cheaper. I really don't want to at all.
I just thought things were at least worth texting about..
Then I had my own mess to deal with and.... you went silent. Did something happen or change? I don't expect to hear from you every day nor even week... but you stopped completely and talk of ending communication here as well.
Did I wrong you? How else would I hear from you...?
Troy and Nina just don't talk to me anymore. Maybe I fucked them too. At least Troy is now employed. It's rumored he'll be paying his "share" of rent this month and possibly paying me back for last month, even. Either way, he behaves as if I've wronged him. Mind you, I've become more vocal and confrontational, but it's well deserved and not near as draining as what he does/did to me.
Nina... I don't think she understands. She does on some points, but the oblivion she perceives on some matters are a snake wriggling under my skin where I cannot itch; maddening.
Cleotha is trying far too hard to help when helping himself (in the most basic of ways) would help everyone the most. And he's so easily hurt... It's difficult with him often. Especially when most instances are care free.
Maybe I suck.
Alyssa texted me "Happy Thanksgiving". That was nice. I hear her latest boy-friend robbed her parents. That's so fucked.
Brother Carl... why did he have to say that...? People think they've hurt me, but what he... No. I've made so much progress... WHY?!
And I know when I start making plans to hang out with people I don't really know I generally lead them on unintentionally. I really want to get out, but I just don't. I should. I mean to.
I'm sorry, Jackie.
And on the odd occasion I do, like my date last friday... that was just weird.
I did everything right. I was charming. I looked great. I kept her in stitches.
I just didn't care.
I ended up letting her sleep in my bed while I watched movies.
I'm the 0nly Constant in the above scenarios. It stands to some measure of reason that I'm the one fucking up whatever I may or could have with those I care for.
Maybe I just fuck everyone over and I don't realize it.
I have doubt about this.
Whether it's just ego, paranoia or indisputable truth I cannot be certain.
Only got 85% on my class final. That hurt, deep. I should have destroyed that grading scale, but the new job and the schedule change (and maybe the fact that "life is just hard some times") kept me from my A. With that and "forgetting" to turn in or even do my homework lately I'll be lucky to get a B overall for the class. Suck.
Trying like hell to scrape up the cash for my next class. Time is running out= stress.
The battery in my truck slowly died over the course of two weeks. Some days it would start; most days it would not and I'd have to find a jump. All-in-all I spent $150 I didn't have getting it all worked out.
And, thanks to the job (that I thought I'd be getting fired from) this is the first Xmess in EIGHT YEARS I won't be in Ohio with family. It's funny since last year's was the first I really just wanted to leave and get back to Phoenix. Now I feel I don't deserve to be allowed there (silly as that thought might be).
I thought I had a brush with genius when I first said that the true family of the 21st century was made of those we choose to be around; including, but not requiring, genetic relation- those one chooses to be near and love, nothing more.
But even by my new, convenient definition...
The upcoming holiday will be without family of any sort. Alone.
No one near to love, not studying to better my future, working a job I might lose, no physical outlet for stress and throwing money away on a dying vehicle. Life was unwanted.
Then I got a call from a supervisor (not mine) asking me to "come see" him. Apparently I am (now was) 32nd best (of 130 or so) in my department even though I am but two weeks out of training. I was offered and accepted a lateral "promotion". No pay raise, but the schedule is awesome; four ten-hour days so I can do school (next paragraph), it's 1030am to 9pm, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday off and with it comes a lot more responsibility and roughly triple the scope of support.
Funny. I was all bent out of shape thinking I was going to get fired and it turns out I'm being head-hunted by another department for my raw talent.
If I really get serious with savings, and Troy pays me back, I'll have enough money to sign up for TWO tuesday/thursday classes for next semester. Even if he doesn't, I can still get one going.
My date has finally stopped being a bother. I like being wanted, but holy shit. I didn't even invite you into my home and you end up passing out in my bed? I'm flattered and all. Yet just because you are wasted doesn't mean you are getting some= try buying me (a lot of) drinks next time and -maybe- you will get lucky. I'm not a normal man-boy.
I am valuable.
Been trying to get back into the gym, but its no longer open 24/7.
Monday I start training for the new department from 630am to 3pm, so I can get to the gym those evenings. Seems like a piece of a puzzle falling into place. Or me spinning the fact I gotta be up by 530am as a good thing.
Ever so slowly, the decisions I've made in an attempt to improve my life in the long term are starting to solidify as something at least resembling what I'd wished. Whether I can take them all or not, I am -making- many opportunities.
It's not easy. And I seem to be losing everything else I had that was important which makes pushing forward really hard. I don't want to lose those that started me on this path, that kept me going. Those that I cared for enough to want to take this on so I could improve myself to make life better for -US-
I don't want to lose them.
But as I type this, most of what I consider to be "them" isn't even there when they are. I don't say this often, but that very thought scares me.
I'm ok losing what must be lost in the process of self-improvement. But what I never tried to hurt, what I want to keep around, what is far too valuable to risk, those I just wish would understand, the precious ties that I could never gamble...
When those sort -choose- to make distance from me...
I just don't get it.
My life is far better than it was a while ago. I've made it so.
I'm getting happy.
What would make me happy, keep me happy, would be sharing it all and making smiles.
<3
The new job was already wearing on me. I couldn't predict how much longer I'd be working there; taking too long on calls, trying to fix all the customers' problems and trying too hard to be likable. As DSL tech support I am only to fix a handful of very specific things. By these standards I was failing miserably.
My closest friends seemingly disappeared, or what I remember of them.
Ted, Tyler and Beth leaving and/or napping after not seeing them for a few months, barely happy to see me. Like I am the one who hurt them. Like I was the one not contacting them.
To be fair, Ted was the only one who gave me permission to kill myself so he had the most to make up for... but c'mon. I really wanted to be happy with them and it just wouldn't happen.
Heather... deear Heather. Did I wrong you as well? I just want to know if the birthday present I had planned will work before I order it. It's bad enough I'm months late. I don't want that coupled with it being useless...
I retract my initial statement. I also want to spend time: Do a crossword. Talk without rush. Make you laugh. Simply hang out.
I even thought I was helping you two.
And I thought we were friends.
Yeah, cheap CHEAP shot. Could go cheaper. I really don't want to at all.
I just thought things were at least worth texting about..
Then I had my own mess to deal with and.... you went silent. Did something happen or change? I don't expect to hear from you every day nor even week... but you stopped completely and talk of ending communication here as well.
Did I wrong you? How else would I hear from you...?
Troy and Nina just don't talk to me anymore. Maybe I fucked them too. At least Troy is now employed. It's rumored he'll be paying his "share" of rent this month and possibly paying me back for last month, even. Either way, he behaves as if I've wronged him. Mind you, I've become more vocal and confrontational, but it's well deserved and not near as draining as what he does/did to me.
Nina... I don't think she understands. She does on some points, but the oblivion she perceives on some matters are a snake wriggling under my skin where I cannot itch; maddening.
Cleotha is trying far too hard to help when helping himself (in the most basic of ways) would help everyone the most. And he's so easily hurt... It's difficult with him often. Especially when most instances are care free.
Maybe I suck.
Alyssa texted me "Happy Thanksgiving". That was nice. I hear her latest boy-friend robbed her parents. That's so fucked.
Brother Carl... why did he have to say that...? People think they've hurt me, but what he... No. I've made so much progress... WHY?!
And I know when I start making plans to hang out with people I don't really know I generally lead them on unintentionally. I really want to get out, but I just don't. I should. I mean to.
I'm sorry, Jackie.
And on the odd occasion I do, like my date last friday... that was just weird.
I did everything right. I was charming. I looked great. I kept her in stitches.
I just didn't care.
I ended up letting her sleep in my bed while I watched movies.
I'm the 0nly Constant in the above scenarios. It stands to some measure of reason that I'm the one fucking up whatever I may or could have with those I care for.
Maybe I just fuck everyone over and I don't realize it.
I have doubt about this.
Whether it's just ego, paranoia or indisputable truth I cannot be certain.
Only got 85% on my class final. That hurt, deep. I should have destroyed that grading scale, but the new job and the schedule change (and maybe the fact that "life is just hard some times") kept me from my A. With that and "forgetting" to turn in or even do my homework lately I'll be lucky to get a B overall for the class. Suck.
Trying like hell to scrape up the cash for my next class. Time is running out= stress.
The battery in my truck slowly died over the course of two weeks. Some days it would start; most days it would not and I'd have to find a jump. All-in-all I spent $150 I didn't have getting it all worked out.
And, thanks to the job (that I thought I'd be getting fired from) this is the first Xmess in EIGHT YEARS I won't be in Ohio with family. It's funny since last year's was the first I really just wanted to leave and get back to Phoenix. Now I feel I don't deserve to be allowed there (silly as that thought might be).
I thought I had a brush with genius when I first said that the true family of the 21st century was made of those we choose to be around; including, but not requiring, genetic relation- those one chooses to be near and love, nothing more.
But even by my new, convenient definition...
The upcoming holiday will be without family of any sort. Alone.
No one near to love, not studying to better my future, working a job I might lose, no physical outlet for stress and throwing money away on a dying vehicle. Life was unwanted.
Then I got a call from a supervisor (not mine) asking me to "come see" him. Apparently I am (now was) 32nd best (of 130 or so) in my department even though I am but two weeks out of training. I was offered and accepted a lateral "promotion". No pay raise, but the schedule is awesome; four ten-hour days so I can do school (next paragraph), it's 1030am to 9pm, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday off and with it comes a lot more responsibility and roughly triple the scope of support.
Funny. I was all bent out of shape thinking I was going to get fired and it turns out I'm being head-hunted by another department for my raw talent.
If I really get serious with savings, and Troy pays me back, I'll have enough money to sign up for TWO tuesday/thursday classes for next semester. Even if he doesn't, I can still get one going.
My date has finally stopped being a bother. I like being wanted, but holy shit. I didn't even invite you into my home and you end up passing out in my bed? I'm flattered and all. Yet just because you are wasted doesn't mean you are getting some= try buying me (a lot of) drinks next time and -maybe- you will get lucky. I'm not a normal man-boy.
I am valuable.
Been trying to get back into the gym, but its no longer open 24/7.
Monday I start training for the new department from 630am to 3pm, so I can get to the gym those evenings. Seems like a piece of a puzzle falling into place. Or me spinning the fact I gotta be up by 530am as a good thing.
Ever so slowly, the decisions I've made in an attempt to improve my life in the long term are starting to solidify as something at least resembling what I'd wished. Whether I can take them all or not, I am -making- many opportunities.
It's not easy. And I seem to be losing everything else I had that was important which makes pushing forward really hard. I don't want to lose those that started me on this path, that kept me going. Those that I cared for enough to want to take this on so I could improve myself to make life better for -US-
I don't want to lose them.
But as I type this, most of what I consider to be "them" isn't even there when they are. I don't say this often, but that very thought scares me.
I'm ok losing what must be lost in the process of self-improvement. But what I never tried to hurt, what I want to keep around, what is far too valuable to risk, those I just wish would understand, the precious ties that I could never gamble...
When those sort -choose- to make distance from me...
I just don't get it.
My life is far better than it was a while ago. I've made it so.
I'm getting happy.
What would make me happy, keep me happy, would be sharing it all and making smiles.
<3