Still Sick....
i need myles.... i can't stand the fact that other girls like him... i can't stand the fact that i'm not his girlfriend...... but more than anything, when i'm with him, i can't stand thinking that i may get hurt....... about a year ago, he broke up with me for my best friend.....
he smokes, he drinks so much..... he's getting into other shit
as hypocritical as it is..... i don't want him to do any of it. i don't want it at all....... i don't want to watch him die..... how ever slowly it is, i can't
but i guess everyone's dying a little by little. but he's speeding it up. it's so hypocritical of me
i drink, i steal prescription drugs, take my own in excese and i think i may be forming a dependancy on sudafed... i lie to my friends about my problems, i put up a huge front, i ditch my friends because i'm scared of getting too close and fuckin up again..... i "forget" to eat for days, lie about when i suposibly do, i binge eat, and do it all over agian, sometimes throwing up in the middle, it's not on purpose, i just do. i used to make myself, but now i just do... i tell myself i'm sick and make myself believe it. i pretend that i'm happy when i'm not and pretend i'm not when i truly am. i make my life look horrible when it's perfect and make it look perfect when it's horrible. i hate dealing with myself.
i hate myself
i hate this
i hate how things are with me
i hate how confusing i am
i hate being so dependant
i hate looking so needy
i was actually pretty happy right now. i ran after myles. he still walked away. but i told him that he needed to run after me. and he did. he held me until i let go. he listened to my voice shake. and my confession and my worries. in less than 30 minutes he did so much for me. i hate how needy i am. i hate that i need him. that i need someone. that i can't do shit for myself of by myself. i hate how crazy i am. i can't stand it
i just want to leave.
i'm not going to mt. view.
but i'm not 100% i'm going to marana either
i put up a front just now
i acted like a completely different person
tim drove me home, and it was weird being with him
talking to him....
i'm going crazy
i know i wasn't being me when i was talking to him
i hate this
i wish everything was better
i wish that i didn't have to think about this
i wish i could forget EVERYTHING that's ever happened to me
the good and the bad
i just want someone to come ake it all away
all of it
so i would never be un-happy, so i would never worry, so i could just be
i'm done
he smokes, he drinks so much..... he's getting into other shit
as hypocritical as it is..... i don't want him to do any of it. i don't want it at all....... i don't want to watch him die..... how ever slowly it is, i can't
but i guess everyone's dying a little by little. but he's speeding it up. it's so hypocritical of me
i drink, i steal prescription drugs, take my own in excese and i think i may be forming a dependancy on sudafed... i lie to my friends about my problems, i put up a huge front, i ditch my friends because i'm scared of getting too close and fuckin up again..... i "forget" to eat for days, lie about when i suposibly do, i binge eat, and do it all over agian, sometimes throwing up in the middle, it's not on purpose, i just do. i used to make myself, but now i just do... i tell myself i'm sick and make myself believe it. i pretend that i'm happy when i'm not and pretend i'm not when i truly am. i make my life look horrible when it's perfect and make it look perfect when it's horrible. i hate dealing with myself.
i hate myself
i hate this
i hate how things are with me
i hate how confusing i am
i hate being so dependant
i hate looking so needy
i was actually pretty happy right now. i ran after myles. he still walked away. but i told him that he needed to run after me. and he did. he held me until i let go. he listened to my voice shake. and my confession and my worries. in less than 30 minutes he did so much for me. i hate how needy i am. i hate that i need him. that i need someone. that i can't do shit for myself of by myself. i hate how crazy i am. i can't stand it
i just want to leave.
i'm not going to mt. view.
but i'm not 100% i'm going to marana either
i put up a front just now
i acted like a completely different person
tim drove me home, and it was weird being with him
talking to him....
i'm going crazy
i know i wasn't being me when i was talking to him
i hate this
i wish everything was better
i wish that i didn't have to think about this
i wish i could forget EVERYTHING that's ever happened to me
the good and the bad
i just want someone to come ake it all away
all of it
so i would never be un-happy, so i would never worry, so i could just be
i'm done