Oh how emo I am...
Seriously.
So yeah. My life is emo because I can't handle pressure. In this past while, ever since I left school early, I swear I've become 3 bazillion times shyer than I ever was. I mean, freaking out like I do, it's obvious.
So I have a lot on my mind ranging from what am I going to do with my life, what I am doing and what I'm not doing, expectations...blah blah. The list is classic. Just trying to keep up with school is easy, but I laze out. And I realize that, but I don't do a thing about it because, well, easier said than done, and I've never been one for really doing because I'm typically scared I'll screw up. So I don't do it. Yeah, I have a perfectionist frame of mind and way of working so I tend to have serious insecurities about things, especially people. When something happens to people (like for an example today some friends of my family that I really like were going to show up today to eat with us and they couldn't come, I kinda took it and still do in a way that they don't like me or they didn't want to listen to me sing today in church..)I take it personally, like, it's an expectation I have to fullfill and somehow I failed it and them. Yeah, I'm also co-dependant.
GYAH. And the thing that really irritates me or makes me depressed, depending, is that I KNOW this and...I feel so...stupid...it's like "Hey~Y! You missed out on the lucky number, sorry. You suck. :D"
I just have all this stuff I try and then, it doesn't work out and then...I just...go cold and I get angry and I feel hurt and I'm scared and...*sigh*
Like, expectations of others drive me insane, and I get paranoid that everyone is staring at me critically and I'm ALREADY critical up the wazoo over myself but this added pressure makes me cringe and want to hide and then when I finsih and if I think I didn't make it up to the bar, I run..
Blargh...my parents are around. I guess I'll toodle off for now until I am able to get back on and rant more for my own health.
So yeah. My life is emo because I can't handle pressure. In this past while, ever since I left school early, I swear I've become 3 bazillion times shyer than I ever was. I mean, freaking out like I do, it's obvious.
So I have a lot on my mind ranging from what am I going to do with my life, what I am doing and what I'm not doing, expectations...blah blah. The list is classic. Just trying to keep up with school is easy, but I laze out. And I realize that, but I don't do a thing about it because, well, easier said than done, and I've never been one for really doing because I'm typically scared I'll screw up. So I don't do it. Yeah, I have a perfectionist frame of mind and way of working so I tend to have serious insecurities about things, especially people. When something happens to people (like for an example today some friends of my family that I really like were going to show up today to eat with us and they couldn't come, I kinda took it and still do in a way that they don't like me or they didn't want to listen to me sing today in church..)I take it personally, like, it's an expectation I have to fullfill and somehow I failed it and them. Yeah, I'm also co-dependant.
GYAH. And the thing that really irritates me or makes me depressed, depending, is that I KNOW this and...I feel so...stupid...it's like "Hey~Y! You missed out on the lucky number, sorry. You suck. :D"
I just have all this stuff I try and then, it doesn't work out and then...I just...go cold and I get angry and I feel hurt and I'm scared and...*sigh*
Like, expectations of others drive me insane, and I get paranoid that everyone is staring at me critically and I'm ALREADY critical up the wazoo over myself but this added pressure makes me cringe and want to hide and then when I finsih and if I think I didn't make it up to the bar, I run..
Blargh...my parents are around. I guess I'll toodle off for now until I am able to get back on and rant more for my own health.