Yarr, here be angst. (ye be warned)
I'm so frightened. I admit. I'm so scared. I don't know what to do. I know I've been avoiding it, but I can't. My parents are making that fantastically obvious.
I need a job. I need a life. But I don't know what to do...
Why is this so hard? Why is it? Why am I such an idiot?
I know I spent most of my free time playing games when I should be looking for a job, I know it, but I just..I can't do it. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid.
What if I mess up? What if I get the job and something happens to me? I sound so immature, being so scared out of my mind. I feel like such a wreck.
Some people would say do it with a friend or family emember maybe, but no one lives here and it seems like all my friends are busy. I can't ask them...I feel like I'd be whining too much. Me...not being able to do something. It's so horrible sounding to me. To admit that. But I can't do it I can't. I want to so bad, but I'm so FUCKING scared...
I've looked a little...I just want to go to school and just stay at home, away from people. Away from faces and hide.
I'm not much of a people person. I'm terrible at communicating in person. I clam up or make an idiot out of myself. And I know, everyone else does too, and lots of people think that and gotta face the fear and all that shit.
And I don't fucking care..! It's about me this time, dammit.
I'm told I'm not selfish by my friends, but I act that way all the time, I just use everything and I know it. But it's like I set out to change it and I just fail so terribly.. I fail my parents and my friends, what little still I have. And I still bitch and whine about it but I can't do it. And when others hold my hand...or...something like that I just...fall apart. I don't do it. I blank out, I nod and smile and stare and then throw a fit about what's happened later.
Gad I want to take a fork and stab my fuckng brain so much. As hard as it is, I really hate my stupid brain. I really do.
I hate being crazy. I hate being called it. I hate being alluded to that I am. I hate being alone. I hate being stupid. I hate when I whine, lie, take up other's time for stupid reasons, cry, I hate being weak. I hate being used. I hate it. I hate it...
I feel like I'm just caught in my own damn nightmare because I made it. I did. I was the idiot. But..I don't do anything about it.
I shame myself so much more by just going on and on.
It's so dumb. I mean, even now the one thing that keeps coming to my head is that I'm totally lonely, even in my parent's house. They left again a little bit ago, to go to my dad's office. They didn't even say anything to me, I just watched them drive away. Heard them mention it to each other before they left, so that's how I know that..
But even when they are here...I just. So many expectations. That's all we've ever had is being expected to do it and I can't do it anymore. I'm just stuck in a stupid ass cycle where I can't get myself out of it. I've buried myself in too far and I set myself up. My stupid personality is such a perfectionist sometimes. And I'm such a DAMN DAMN WIMP.
I want to change. I really want to. But I know it's gone on too long to. I really want to but I've tried and I can't...
...I'm just going to stop whining now...
I really need someone to like shoot me or something..
I need a job. I need a life. But I don't know what to do...
Why is this so hard? Why is it? Why am I such an idiot?
I know I spent most of my free time playing games when I should be looking for a job, I know it, but I just..I can't do it. I'm so scared. I'm so afraid.
What if I mess up? What if I get the job and something happens to me? I sound so immature, being so scared out of my mind. I feel like such a wreck.
Some people would say do it with a friend or family emember maybe, but no one lives here and it seems like all my friends are busy. I can't ask them...I feel like I'd be whining too much. Me...not being able to do something. It's so horrible sounding to me. To admit that. But I can't do it I can't. I want to so bad, but I'm so FUCKING scared...
I've looked a little...I just want to go to school and just stay at home, away from people. Away from faces and hide.
I'm not much of a people person. I'm terrible at communicating in person. I clam up or make an idiot out of myself. And I know, everyone else does too, and lots of people think that and gotta face the fear and all that shit.
And I don't fucking care..! It's about me this time, dammit.
I'm told I'm not selfish by my friends, but I act that way all the time, I just use everything and I know it. But it's like I set out to change it and I just fail so terribly.. I fail my parents and my friends, what little still I have. And I still bitch and whine about it but I can't do it. And when others hold my hand...or...something like that I just...fall apart. I don't do it. I blank out, I nod and smile and stare and then throw a fit about what's happened later.
Gad I want to take a fork and stab my fuckng brain so much. As hard as it is, I really hate my stupid brain. I really do.
I hate being crazy. I hate being called it. I hate being alluded to that I am. I hate being alone. I hate being stupid. I hate when I whine, lie, take up other's time for stupid reasons, cry, I hate being weak. I hate being used. I hate it. I hate it...
I feel like I'm just caught in my own damn nightmare because I made it. I did. I was the idiot. But..I don't do anything about it.
I shame myself so much more by just going on and on.
It's so dumb. I mean, even now the one thing that keeps coming to my head is that I'm totally lonely, even in my parent's house. They left again a little bit ago, to go to my dad's office. They didn't even say anything to me, I just watched them drive away. Heard them mention it to each other before they left, so that's how I know that..
But even when they are here...I just. So many expectations. That's all we've ever had is being expected to do it and I can't do it anymore. I'm just stuck in a stupid ass cycle where I can't get myself out of it. I've buried myself in too far and I set myself up. My stupid personality is such a perfectionist sometimes. And I'm such a DAMN DAMN WIMP.
I want to change. I really want to. But I know it's gone on too long to. I really want to but I've tried and I can't...
...I'm just going to stop whining now...
I really need someone to like shoot me or something..