It's not...
...it's not really being "emo", or angsty, or goth.
It's about numbness. Hurt.
And unfortunately the internet is much more acessible and seems easier to rant in rather than on your own journal where no one, and nothing you say will make a difference.
It's about a childish desire we all have to just..make an impact, be heard, where our innermost cravings for attention just kind of leak out. And maybe it's wrong and maybe it isn't, I don't know. It just is. People are emotional creatures with problems, issues, we're not perfect in spite of how much we'd like to believe it. It's about a frame of mind we have where nothing is right in that moment, we think of ourselves lower than you and the dust of the earth. We're nothing more than air being wasted on but we don't have the guts to go find that gun or that razor and just kill ourselves because this irritating someone is listening to us in the back of our heads and telling us to keep moving.
This someone who cares.
And why am I telling you this?
Maybe it's to justify what I'm meaning to talk about, the thing is I'm also filling in space, more space that is needlessly wasted.
Maybe I should just talk to the person, here and now. I'm not mentioning names but...they would maybe know, I don't know really. I keep to myself mostly, act like I do towards my parents.
I'm numb, I hurt, I don't want to. So I'll smile and try to avoid it anyway. But I won't just go along with what you have to say to me. You may have noticed this. I may agree to it, or just smile and nod to something, but in the end I'm still no more willing, I'll just do it while cringing.
What do you want me to do? Be "rebellious" and break everything I've ever known? Tear myself apart so I make myself the person you think I am? I'm not too terribly assertive about some things, I silently or sometimes not will snap. I don't appreciate it, I don't appreciate being pulled up only to then be told that you're not sure if I'm acting real to you or anyone else.
I'm me. I've got different sides of me that make me. I'm more than just what you think I am.
I love you, but you just can't take me trying to also understand myself at the same time.
Maybe I'm just an idiotic fool to you, maybe I'm the annoying older one you can boss around.
I don't like it, what you do. I try to share and get shot down.
Don't YOU trust me? All I'm saying is to try and help you, you think I get some sick pleasure out of it?
Must you ALWAYS be right and me always the scapegoat to you?
I'm a person as well, I have mistakes, I'm lonely, clingy, needy, but dammit.
Stop dragging me down after you lift me up. I don't come to you for that. If I have issues outside that moment, it's fine. It's about me.
But...I suppose even in the moment it's my fault and I just should avoid you anyway.
And you've maybe noticed I have been.
I talk to you and I just clam up. What am I supposed to say? There's this sickening anticipation of waiting for thatt hammer to land in my path and say "NO. YOU'RE the one who's WRONG."
What am I supposed to say that? I am a dependant personality that struggles to get beyond that.
It's why I hate getting close to people.
It's why I like those who live in my head more than those I talk to in physical form.
Whatever...you'll probably never get this anyway.
I'm done now.