...Not again...
..seriously..not again.
Warning, I'm going to be going on about my family life.
It will probably be angsty. And whiny.
So this morning my dad makes me and my brother leave the house at 8 am. I went with my dad and my brother went to work. So yeah, I'm at my dad's work.
...I also got bitched at like mad about how "You haven't done your chores!" Which was an effing LIE. I had my bathroom and the floor done, like I was asked. And then. Oh yay.
My dad growls at me for complaining the other day at my mom. I had done so because I had heard my brother bitch about me to my mom, how he had done the chores last week and I haddn't and that I should do it, not himmmm~!
This was retarded on his part for one because -I- did it last week. ME. NOT ASS.
And this peeved me to no end. As a result I got mad and yelled at my mom that I was too tired from working yesterday and she yelled at me.
Later on I explained why I had done so (Because of my brother--he claimed to be sick and that was why he didn't go do something I KNOW he's been skipping out on doing for the past while (He told me so) and when I had gotten home he had kept bothering me about going to the movies and my back was sore. -__- I was sitting at a computer all damn day, no shit. And I DO have mild herniations in my back, but I did the job and had fun too) and my mom agreed to it and I thought the stupid thing was resolved but nuuuu! My mom goes and bitches about that to my dad at night so they don't sleep and my dad has work so he flipped and not to mention all the buildup of having all these bills to pay and not having the money to pay for it and my parents being mad at Uncle James and gyah.
On top of that I just HAVE to be lonely, don't I? *snort*
So I'm a partial emotional wreck because I'm worried about my parents and my dad's business and I'm worried about what I'm going to do in the future (I need to get a job...seriously), the stress in my house throws me for a loop and on top of that...my medication keeps me pretty flat lined most of the time so I'm mostly apathetic as a result when all I want to do is go cry off in a corner.
And I want to stop thinking about all the things I wish I could change in my life and comparing it and being a co-dependant asshole and having hormones.
I just wish I was a little kid again in some ways, but then again no. I didn't really have any life then either; I mighta been a tomboy (moreso than I am now) but I was lonely and I spent a lot of time by myself and in my head. My head was easier to deal with than here, I guess. It seems like it.
I suppose I should pray about it or do something else but I feel really disconnected when my emotions are all shot. I want things to turn out okay, I want my parents to leave me alone about anime and stop whining to me about being careful. Let me get bit in the ass, alright!? Leave me alone for a while...if you want me out so badly, kick me out, or give me money and a permanent job.
Or just plain shoot me. I hate feeling like crap when I try and do something, I hate being a perfectionist, I hate having a "TBI" or problem or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I'm tired of it. I just want to sleep. I hate not being the best child around, I hate not being able to be myself, I hate not reaching expectations with either myself or others, I hate lots of shit.
Humans in general seem to border on sheer annoyance to facination with me. Sure I'm one myself but it's hard to be someone else unless you're them, then you aren't yourself. You're not in anyone else's head, you can't feel the intensity of their emotion as well as they do, you don't see exactly what they see--we're nothing more than disorganized creatures who's problems come from being human in general. But being able to realize this and make an effort to confront this natural man is more of a learned skill, but where'd it come from?
We have something we want, we're never satisfied. If we are than life's not worth it, is it?
There's something here were supposed to get, to suffer through, to obtain. If it wasn't so than why would man create things to delight the eye, make forms of entertainment, strive to master things..?
Humans are not what they seem.
Heh. Now I sound like I'm in a story...
A fairytale. I remember when I was smaller I loved stories. I loved stories about knights and princesses and honor and truth and right. I loved stories about people learning and about fantastical adventures and about those who conquered them. Life was simple then, really. Not this grown up world where everyone claims to be grownup but all they do is think of themselves. And their pride and how they look to everyone else and how much money they have. Not what is good. Not what is best. Nowadays I swear you can't go anywhere without someone having to use "What they are" to get you to pay attention to them. It's all about me. It's all about I; number 1, the big daddy, the boss, whatever. Me me me me me want want want want want..!!
And dammit. I'm apart of it. I wanted to have my own fairytale.
I never thought the world would consist of people who'd do pornography for money or do it willingly. I never thought that someone would be that different from me. I always thought the next little girl down the street wanted a knight in shining armor or that the next boy down the street was looking for a princess, not be a serial rapist or stripper when they grew up. I never thought the world would be so cruel and harsh and just...evil.
I know what reality I want. I just know the rest of the world isn't interested and I should be fine with that. But I guess I don't want to be alone either, again. I don't want other people to be unhappy. I don't want them to fall away and decay.
...I just wish things at home would get better...
Warning, I'm going to be going on about my family life.
It will probably be angsty. And whiny.
So this morning my dad makes me and my brother leave the house at 8 am. I went with my dad and my brother went to work. So yeah, I'm at my dad's work.
...I also got bitched at like mad about how "You haven't done your chores!" Which was an effing LIE. I had my bathroom and the floor done, like I was asked. And then. Oh yay.
My dad growls at me for complaining the other day at my mom. I had done so because I had heard my brother bitch about me to my mom, how he had done the chores last week and I haddn't and that I should do it, not himmmm~!
This was retarded on his part for one because -I- did it last week. ME. NOT ASS.
And this peeved me to no end. As a result I got mad and yelled at my mom that I was too tired from working yesterday and she yelled at me.
Later on I explained why I had done so (Because of my brother--he claimed to be sick and that was why he didn't go do something I KNOW he's been skipping out on doing for the past while (He told me so) and when I had gotten home he had kept bothering me about going to the movies and my back was sore. -__- I was sitting at a computer all damn day, no shit. And I DO have mild herniations in my back, but I did the job and had fun too) and my mom agreed to it and I thought the stupid thing was resolved but nuuuu! My mom goes and bitches about that to my dad at night so they don't sleep and my dad has work so he flipped and not to mention all the buildup of having all these bills to pay and not having the money to pay for it and my parents being mad at Uncle James and gyah.
On top of that I just HAVE to be lonely, don't I? *snort*
So I'm a partial emotional wreck because I'm worried about my parents and my dad's business and I'm worried about what I'm going to do in the future (I need to get a job...seriously), the stress in my house throws me for a loop and on top of that...my medication keeps me pretty flat lined most of the time so I'm mostly apathetic as a result when all I want to do is go cry off in a corner.
And I want to stop thinking about all the things I wish I could change in my life and comparing it and being a co-dependant asshole and having hormones.
I just wish I was a little kid again in some ways, but then again no. I didn't really have any life then either; I mighta been a tomboy (moreso than I am now) but I was lonely and I spent a lot of time by myself and in my head. My head was easier to deal with than here, I guess. It seems like it.
I suppose I should pray about it or do something else but I feel really disconnected when my emotions are all shot. I want things to turn out okay, I want my parents to leave me alone about anime and stop whining to me about being careful. Let me get bit in the ass, alright!? Leave me alone for a while...if you want me out so badly, kick me out, or give me money and a permanent job.
Or just plain shoot me. I hate feeling like crap when I try and do something, I hate being a perfectionist, I hate having a "TBI" or problem or whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I'm tired of it. I just want to sleep. I hate not being the best child around, I hate not being able to be myself, I hate not reaching expectations with either myself or others, I hate lots of shit.
Humans in general seem to border on sheer annoyance to facination with me. Sure I'm one myself but it's hard to be someone else unless you're them, then you aren't yourself. You're not in anyone else's head, you can't feel the intensity of their emotion as well as they do, you don't see exactly what they see--we're nothing more than disorganized creatures who's problems come from being human in general. But being able to realize this and make an effort to confront this natural man is more of a learned skill, but where'd it come from?
We have something we want, we're never satisfied. If we are than life's not worth it, is it?
There's something here were supposed to get, to suffer through, to obtain. If it wasn't so than why would man create things to delight the eye, make forms of entertainment, strive to master things..?
Humans are not what they seem.
Heh. Now I sound like I'm in a story...
A fairytale. I remember when I was smaller I loved stories. I loved stories about knights and princesses and honor and truth and right. I loved stories about people learning and about fantastical adventures and about those who conquered them. Life was simple then, really. Not this grown up world where everyone claims to be grownup but all they do is think of themselves. And their pride and how they look to everyone else and how much money they have. Not what is good. Not what is best. Nowadays I swear you can't go anywhere without someone having to use "What they are" to get you to pay attention to them. It's all about me. It's all about I; number 1, the big daddy, the boss, whatever. Me me me me me want want want want want..!!
And dammit. I'm apart of it. I wanted to have my own fairytale.
I never thought the world would consist of people who'd do pornography for money or do it willingly. I never thought that someone would be that different from me. I always thought the next little girl down the street wanted a knight in shining armor or that the next boy down the street was looking for a princess, not be a serial rapist or stripper when they grew up. I never thought the world would be so cruel and harsh and just...evil.
I know what reality I want. I just know the rest of the world isn't interested and I should be fine with that. But I guess I don't want to be alone either, again. I don't want other people to be unhappy. I don't want them to fall away and decay.
...I just wish things at home would get better...