relizations... things get worse. (be warned it's long)
Ok that's not entirely true. Although, they do seem to get worse from time to time. I made a conscious decision today that I am not happy at UCLA, nor am I going to continue there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm not going to continue college. I am. However, I don't want to continue going to school, dishing out thousands of dollars (might I add too much for a public education), where I'm extremely unhappy.
I'm majoring in English. Does ANYBODY ever remember me being away from music? Seriously? Yeah-I may not be fantastic at it, but that doesn't mean I can't be good at it. If you have the passion, the desire, the love for something, you can be good at it. Just like, if you're great at something, it doesn't mean you love it. It goes both ways. I love English, don't get me wrong. I love writing. But firstly, the English program at UCLA doesn't offer what I'm looking for Sure, we write. But, we write, what, two-three papers a quarter, that's ten weeks. If I'm going to write, I'm going to WRITE. I want to be writing 10 pages every week, (bare minimum). And, then, I want to be involved in music. I'm sick without it.
When I applied to school, I was kinda lost. My grandpa was sick, my parents lived in San Diego, and honestly nobody really helped me with college choices. I mean, I had no clue that UCLA was a tier 1 school for God's sake, nor did I even know what "Tier 1" meant. I didn't know what anything meant whatsoever. So, I apply to UCSD, UCLA, UC Irvine (Don't ask why), USC. I didn't get accepted to USC-I put my application in too late. I got accepted to two of the greatest schools, UCSD and UCLA. Then, after I submit my applications, guess what? My grandfather dies. Then- four months later, my parents split up. I'd already accepted my admissions to UCLA, so what the fuck, why not go right? THe last thing I had going for me, was my best friend was moving to Los Angeles with me, Ceasar, and things were... well ok. I didn't want to move to LA. Honestly, anybody that knows me from senior year knows that I was freaking... the fuck... out about moving to Los Angeles.
I went to UCLA, and honestly, I hated it from day one. I remember crying, beating myself up for going to this school. And my grades, my depression, everything has proven that this was not the choice for me. A) I need to be involved in music. So far, UCLA's music program has proven to be more about performance and snooty attitude because everything thinks that music is about being famous, being poppy, and well, nobody knows any better. B) It would've taken me around two additional years to graduate. I don't want to take that long to graduate, if I'm at a college I hate. I'm willing to take longer while I'm elsewhere, happy, but not there.
It's difficult to come to terms with all of this, because I am smart, I am intelligent, and I do have a lot going for me. However, I'm depressed, unhappy, and sick. I miss music, and I haven't been the same without it. For God's sake, 3/4 tattoos are music dedicated, and the fifth will be a saxophone. In love with music much? yeah. I feel like a parent who has lost their child to be completely honest. The good thing about all of this, is I'm 21, and I'm young enough to go back, start over, and do what I love to do.
I applied to Berklee College of Music. I hope to get accepted. I've been praying, and asking everybody (who believes in prayer) to pray to God that I get accepted. So firstly, please pray for me (again if you do) that I get accepted to Berklee. I love the idea of living in Boston, walking around in the snow, being bundled up, and being around a city that is enriched in culture, art, music, theater, history. I love it. And I've been told, by more than one person, that I have an East Coast personality. Don't get me wrong, I'll probably move back to southern cali, but we'll see.
Anyway, in the mean time, I'm going to go to school for my massage therapy license. As well as taking some courses at SMC and/or West LA. I'm going to try to get involved in one of their programs so I can transfer to a four year university if I don't get accepted to Berklee. If I do that, I may move back to San Diego, but we'll see. I like living on my own, being me, doing my own thing. But again, I'm going to get my license so I have something strong going for me financially that way if I don't transfer to a Starbucks in Boston, I have something under my belt. Also, it's good pay. It'll be useful wherever I go.
It's difficult to have to leave UCLA, not because I'm happy there, but because I feel like I'm disappointing everybody around me, like I'm not living up to my potential. But I need to be happy, and if I have to work full time in the meantime to get myself on my feet, then maybe stepping back and going to a community college/getting my massage license is what I need to do in the meantime, so that way I can focus on what is in front of me.
I picked up my saxophone today for the first time in months, it was amazing to feel it in my hands again. I miss it, I miss being a part of a group. I almost cried, not even kidding. I made the realization that regardless of my LEVEL of talent, I miss music, and it is who I am. Somebody told me once not to strive for something I'm good at, or great at, merely because it is the easy way out, but instead, to do what I love, even if it means doing extra work. And that's what I'm planning on doing. I might even take some private lessons soon to get better at it (seeing as I am rusty). Anyway.. that's my LOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG rant.
I'm majoring in English. Does ANYBODY ever remember me being away from music? Seriously? Yeah-I may not be fantastic at it, but that doesn't mean I can't be good at it. If you have the passion, the desire, the love for something, you can be good at it. Just like, if you're great at something, it doesn't mean you love it. It goes both ways. I love English, don't get me wrong. I love writing. But firstly, the English program at UCLA doesn't offer what I'm looking for Sure, we write. But, we write, what, two-three papers a quarter, that's ten weeks. If I'm going to write, I'm going to WRITE. I want to be writing 10 pages every week, (bare minimum). And, then, I want to be involved in music. I'm sick without it.
When I applied to school, I was kinda lost. My grandpa was sick, my parents lived in San Diego, and honestly nobody really helped me with college choices. I mean, I had no clue that UCLA was a tier 1 school for God's sake, nor did I even know what "Tier 1" meant. I didn't know what anything meant whatsoever. So, I apply to UCSD, UCLA, UC Irvine (Don't ask why), USC. I didn't get accepted to USC-I put my application in too late. I got accepted to two of the greatest schools, UCSD and UCLA. Then, after I submit my applications, guess what? My grandfather dies. Then- four months later, my parents split up. I'd already accepted my admissions to UCLA, so what the fuck, why not go right? THe last thing I had going for me, was my best friend was moving to Los Angeles with me, Ceasar, and things were... well ok. I didn't want to move to LA. Honestly, anybody that knows me from senior year knows that I was freaking... the fuck... out about moving to Los Angeles.
I went to UCLA, and honestly, I hated it from day one. I remember crying, beating myself up for going to this school. And my grades, my depression, everything has proven that this was not the choice for me. A) I need to be involved in music. So far, UCLA's music program has proven to be more about performance and snooty attitude because everything thinks that music is about being famous, being poppy, and well, nobody knows any better. B) It would've taken me around two additional years to graduate. I don't want to take that long to graduate, if I'm at a college I hate. I'm willing to take longer while I'm elsewhere, happy, but not there.
It's difficult to come to terms with all of this, because I am smart, I am intelligent, and I do have a lot going for me. However, I'm depressed, unhappy, and sick. I miss music, and I haven't been the same without it. For God's sake, 3/4 tattoos are music dedicated, and the fifth will be a saxophone. In love with music much? yeah. I feel like a parent who has lost their child to be completely honest. The good thing about all of this, is I'm 21, and I'm young enough to go back, start over, and do what I love to do.
I applied to Berklee College of Music. I hope to get accepted. I've been praying, and asking everybody (who believes in prayer) to pray to God that I get accepted. So firstly, please pray for me (again if you do) that I get accepted to Berklee. I love the idea of living in Boston, walking around in the snow, being bundled up, and being around a city that is enriched in culture, art, music, theater, history. I love it. And I've been told, by more than one person, that I have an East Coast personality. Don't get me wrong, I'll probably move back to southern cali, but we'll see.
Anyway, in the mean time, I'm going to go to school for my massage therapy license. As well as taking some courses at SMC and/or West LA. I'm going to try to get involved in one of their programs so I can transfer to a four year university if I don't get accepted to Berklee. If I do that, I may move back to San Diego, but we'll see. I like living on my own, being me, doing my own thing. But again, I'm going to get my license so I have something strong going for me financially that way if I don't transfer to a Starbucks in Boston, I have something under my belt. Also, it's good pay. It'll be useful wherever I go.
It's difficult to have to leave UCLA, not because I'm happy there, but because I feel like I'm disappointing everybody around me, like I'm not living up to my potential. But I need to be happy, and if I have to work full time in the meantime to get myself on my feet, then maybe stepping back and going to a community college/getting my massage license is what I need to do in the meantime, so that way I can focus on what is in front of me.
I picked up my saxophone today for the first time in months, it was amazing to feel it in my hands again. I miss it, I miss being a part of a group. I almost cried, not even kidding. I made the realization that regardless of my LEVEL of talent, I miss music, and it is who I am. Somebody told me once not to strive for something I'm good at, or great at, merely because it is the easy way out, but instead, to do what I love, even if it means doing extra work. And that's what I'm planning on doing. I might even take some private lessons soon to get better at it (seeing as I am rusty). Anyway.. that's my LOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG rant.