haunted
ok - so as long as you promise not to tell my parents, i'll share a secret with you - i have a boyfriend. why this is a secret, i'm not entirely sure. i think mostly b/c i'm just weird like that... sometimes i wonder how he feels about that. (funny to write b/c i know he's going to read this :-P ) he said he wouldn't expect me to tell my parents. but he also said i should get a credit card without telling them. ok, ok, so i'm 21. legally i'm an adult. social standards expect me to act like an "adult". my friends and roommates keep looking at me funny telling me that i'm too immature. (only some of who i take issue with b/c i personally belive they have a skewed view of me and i am IN FACT more mature than they are...) anyway, point being - supposedly, i'm an adult now and should be able to do thigns without my parents permission.
i swear i was born in the wrong time period, or the wrong culture, or something. i know i CAN do things without my parents - i just haven't gotten to the point where i see why i would. maybe it's left over repression - like when my mom threatened to have my college payments pulled if i didn't live in a dorm... my family is still one of the most important influences in my life. is this bad? i dunno yet. i guess we'll see. relying on one's parents is apparently a non-adult thign to do. but should it be? i mean really, who else knows more about you? who else can you flal back on when you bottom out? do you really want to cut off that line and then fall and no one to catch you? how is this childish? is adult a number or an experience or a concept? does it depend on where you are in life, who you interact with, who you depend on, what kind of relationships you have, some kind of intelligence or meta-cognitive level?
this concept of age escapes/confuses/some-other-word-b/c-all-lists-need-to-be-3-long me. there are people at church that i am either the same age as, close to the same age as, (both being younger) or maybe even a year or 2 older!! that i feel socially younger than. nick i understand b/c he's the 2nd Youth Pastor - which holds with that title a certain amount of responsibility and authority that it would make sense for me to be younger than him. significantly. i know i'm older than ben and alex. i know becca and i are the same age. but i can't connect to any of them. i feel like such a baby when i'm with them. even wiht my friends sometimes, they succeed in belittling me to the point where i feel like a child with them too. and i KNOW i'm older than them. the highschool kids i hang out with make me feel old. but i relate to them better than a lot of the people my age. i still feel uncomfortable enough at school to forget that i'm a junior - almost a senior. i sit in class and feel 2 inches tall. the freshmen intimidate me b/c i don't know who they are!! and even if i did, all they have to do is look at me once in a way that tells me they're smarter or better than i am or something and i feel like i'm 13 again... Tim was one of the first people i felt like i connected with on a paralell level in a long time. and then i remember how old he is and it freaks me out. but it's almost in a good way. i can't believe we're as seperated as we are (which really, isn't that much) and and still get along the way we do. age isn't a number to me - it's how i relate to people. and when my ideas don't match the label, i get confused. surprise surprise - i'm confused a lot...
i think i'm going to end this post and re-start b/c this didn't go where i expected it to and where i wanted it to, and they have no connection.
i swear i was born in the wrong time period, or the wrong culture, or something. i know i CAN do things without my parents - i just haven't gotten to the point where i see why i would. maybe it's left over repression - like when my mom threatened to have my college payments pulled if i didn't live in a dorm... my family is still one of the most important influences in my life. is this bad? i dunno yet. i guess we'll see. relying on one's parents is apparently a non-adult thign to do. but should it be? i mean really, who else knows more about you? who else can you flal back on when you bottom out? do you really want to cut off that line and then fall and no one to catch you? how is this childish? is adult a number or an experience or a concept? does it depend on where you are in life, who you interact with, who you depend on, what kind of relationships you have, some kind of intelligence or meta-cognitive level?
this concept of age escapes/confuses/some-other-word-b/c-all-lists-need-to-be-3-long me. there are people at church that i am either the same age as, close to the same age as, (both being younger) or maybe even a year or 2 older!! that i feel socially younger than. nick i understand b/c he's the 2nd Youth Pastor - which holds with that title a certain amount of responsibility and authority that it would make sense for me to be younger than him. significantly. i know i'm older than ben and alex. i know becca and i are the same age. but i can't connect to any of them. i feel like such a baby when i'm with them. even wiht my friends sometimes, they succeed in belittling me to the point where i feel like a child with them too. and i KNOW i'm older than them. the highschool kids i hang out with make me feel old. but i relate to them better than a lot of the people my age. i still feel uncomfortable enough at school to forget that i'm a junior - almost a senior. i sit in class and feel 2 inches tall. the freshmen intimidate me b/c i don't know who they are!! and even if i did, all they have to do is look at me once in a way that tells me they're smarter or better than i am or something and i feel like i'm 13 again... Tim was one of the first people i felt like i connected with on a paralell level in a long time. and then i remember how old he is and it freaks me out. but it's almost in a good way. i can't believe we're as seperated as we are (which really, isn't that much) and and still get along the way we do. age isn't a number to me - it's how i relate to people. and when my ideas don't match the label, i get confused. surprise surprise - i'm confused a lot...
i think i'm going to end this post and re-start b/c this didn't go where i expected it to and where i wanted it to, and they have no connection.