(no subject)
it's just not real. i feel like i've returned from another planet - no, to another planet. everything is too familiar - and i'm saying that b/c i think i need to say that. that's what i feel is the right thing to say, whether it's true or not. what i truely feel is that i'm at a giant train station, or bus stop - waiting for the right ride, the right people, the right ticket. this doesn't even feel like the place i'm leaving anymore, but rather hte eternal transition - a permanent waiting spot. i will stay here in limbo until somethign jolts me out, or i make a decision, or my aunt writes me back about my finances - whichever comes first. i feel alone. i feel like i want to be alone. i want to go walking, i want to find that spot where i am secluded and yet somehow by being isolated will i find a kernel of reality in this dream stage. but the only place i can think to go isn't there any more. they cut down my bushes and nothing is sacred. the park has too many voices, the church has too many eyes, even here online there are too many thoughts colliding from everybody i know will read this for me to find the quiet i need.
what i'm amazed by (and infintely gratefully so) is how calm i feel. this isnt' bad that i'm waiting in limbo, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. i don't feel any pressure, any problems, just is what is. which i like. instead of getting on here and raving about how hurt or angry or non-understandably sad i am, i'm merely stating the state i'm in. i love my life. i love so many things about where i am heading. i just have a feeling i need to make this journey by myself. whoever i am at the end of it, whomever i find at the end of it i will welcome. but i (fear hurting those that have walked with me thus far) think it's time to go on by myself.
i have, my entire life, been afraid of being abandoned. i still do not wish to be left behind. and i am not a fan of going anywhere by myself - i know i will reach a point where i get scared and want to cling to someone, some friend, some partner who will restore my footing - but i don't think i am meant to have a companion here. oh God give me wisdom and grace to see your path. plant my feet and clear my sight of distractions and fears. do not let me throw off my gifts in the haste of preparation for this journey, but do not either let me cling to anchors which will hold me back, and will probably be waiting for me on the other end. mostly Lord, bring my desires in line with yours - fill my heart and let not my soul ache for my foolish ideas of what should be. grant me pleasure in living your will and a distaste for all other satisfaction.
what i'm amazed by (and infintely gratefully so) is how calm i feel. this isnt' bad that i'm waiting in limbo, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. i don't feel any pressure, any problems, just is what is. which i like. instead of getting on here and raving about how hurt or angry or non-understandably sad i am, i'm merely stating the state i'm in. i love my life. i love so many things about where i am heading. i just have a feeling i need to make this journey by myself. whoever i am at the end of it, whomever i find at the end of it i will welcome. but i (fear hurting those that have walked with me thus far) think it's time to go on by myself.
i have, my entire life, been afraid of being abandoned. i still do not wish to be left behind. and i am not a fan of going anywhere by myself - i know i will reach a point where i get scared and want to cling to someone, some friend, some partner who will restore my footing - but i don't think i am meant to have a companion here. oh God give me wisdom and grace to see your path. plant my feet and clear my sight of distractions and fears. do not let me throw off my gifts in the haste of preparation for this journey, but do not either let me cling to anchors which will hold me back, and will probably be waiting for me on the other end. mostly Lord, bring my desires in line with yours - fill my heart and let not my soul ache for my foolish ideas of what should be. grant me pleasure in living your will and a distaste for all other satisfaction.